Mind's Eye (orginal characters and story)

[HyenaHaze]

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"I'm going to be late, I know it!"
Skull's dark brown eyes watched with a deep focus as his trainer, Lucia, darted about the room, gathering up random items off the shelves. Skull raised his bone-helmeted head carefully as Lucia hovered above him.
"Did I forget anything?" Lucia questioned him. Although Skull understood her, she couldn't understand him. Skull shrugged.
"I think I have everything," Lucia mused, running her fingers impatiently through her long auburn hair. Her pale green eyes darted about the room for a final time before she picked up Skull.
"I know you only hatched a month ago," she told him, "but you may have to walk a little once we get to Sandgem town." Skull nodded. He understood. Lucia hugged him tightly and grinned.
"We're going to be famous. We don't even have to enter contests or fight at gyms. I just know that we'll be famous!" exclaimed Lucia happily. Skull smiled from underneath his helmet. As long as he fought beside Lucia, he was fine with being famous.
Lucia rushed downstairs. Her parents, a rather eccentric-looking couple wearing matching plaid vests, hugged her goodbye. They had already discussed all of the details, and Lucia had convinced them that she could make it on her own. Her mother reminded her to eat lots of leppa berries because evidentially they cured indigestion. As Lucia left the small town with Skull sitting on her shoulder like some sort of bird Pokémon, they paused when Lucia came to a sign.
"Lake Valor," she muttered. Skull clambered up onto her shoulder. Lucia began to put her fingertips to her lips, a habit she had formed to suppress biting her nails.
"Maybe we should make a detour," she reasoned. "What do you think, Skull?" Skull scratched his chin with a clawed hand before tapping Lucia on the head with his club and pointing towards the west, where Sandgem was.
"Yeah," Lucia agreed, "I can't be late. That weird professor wanted to talk to me today about getting a pokedex." Skull nodded, and they began to walk westwards, through a grassy area with a dirt path winding through it.

"She seems a bit odd, don't you think?" Alexander crooned to his dark red-skinned Flareon, Kerze. Kerze nodded silently while Alex draped his arms to either side of the branch that he and Kerze had been napping on. The sound of that girl talking had woken him up.
"She seemed friendly to that Cubone," he mused. "But it was definitely low-leveled, unlike my beloved Kerze." The Flareon's dark eyes rose to her master's similarly dark brown eyes. Alex dropped carefully from the branch he was on to the next lowest, being careful not to ruffle his chin-length whitish-blond hair. His shirt, a stylish black cardigan, got snagged on a branch and he cursed.
"Kerze, we're heading for Sandgem," he growled angrily. "Perhaps the mart sells clothes that last for more than a week." Kerze hid her mischievous grin while hopping daintily down the branches, careful not to ruffle her soft, cream colored coat.

"Sorry we're late!" yelled Lucia as she burst into the lab's front door. "There was this bidoof and-" Lucia stopped in midsentence. The lab was eerily empty, like a haunted house. All the lights were on, though. Lucia walked slowly towards a desk in the front while Skull followed closely behind, trembling a little. He didn't like feeling alone. He knew humans were supposed to be in this place. Lucia silently picked up a pokedex that had her name labeled on it.
"I wonder where that old professor is," she murmured. After she'd said that, both she a Skull turned when they heard a soft cry. A small, sandy brown buneary with puffy white fur on its ears was struggling towards them. The poor thing was covered in scorch marks. Lucia dashed towards the buneary with Skull clinging to her shoulder.
"Poor thing," whispered Lucia, carefully picking it up. It made a soft wailing noise. Lucia quietly raised herself up with Skull peering over her shoulder at the injured buneary. The buneary looked at him with sad, dark eyes as it clung to Lucia's chest. Skull didn't like this. He didn't like this a bit.
The Pokémon center nearby took in the buneary without hesitation. Lucia and Skull quietly sat in the lobby, waiting for news of the buneary's condition. It took nearly three hours for the nurse to reappear. The buneary was in her arms, wrapped in bandages.
"She'll take a while to heal," said the nurse softly. With that, she placed the buneary in Lucia's arms and hurried back to her post before Lucia could ask her about the original trainer. Lucia then silently glanced down at the female buneary that was now fast asleep.
"I'll give you a name, then," Lucia said, stroking the buneary's fluffy ears.
"I think I'll name you Emmy. You look like an Emmy. What do you think, Skull?" Skull watched the tiny bunny Pokémon breath slowly. After a moment's consideration, he nodded.
"I'll let Emmy know when she wakes up," Lucia muttered. "For now though, let's all get some rest. We can visit the professor tomorrow." Skull nodded in agreement. He was still a bit shaken from seeing Emmy like that when they first found her. Skull wasn't sure he wanted to know what had happened. ​

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Critisicim welcome! Also, This will be PG-13 in later chapters due to violence.​

 

[Post Office Buddy]

Okay, I finally got around to the review. When I first looked at it, I noticed that you didn't separate paragraphs with two spaces. I'll show you how most authors here do this in the course of my review. Also, the rating should be at the beginning of the post so people know it beforehand. Downsizing the font also makes it less noticeable, which will make it overlooked by some people. Anyway, here is the review.

"I'm going to be late, I know it!"

Skull's dark brown eyes watched with a deep focus as his trainer, Lucia, darted about the room, gathering up random items off the shelves. Skull raised his bone-helmeted head carefully as Lucia hovered above him.

"Did I forget anything?" Lucia questioned him. Although Skull understood her, she couldn't understand him. Skull shrugged.

"I think I have everything," Lucia mused, running her fingers impatiently through her long, auburn hair. Her pale green eyes darted about the room for a final time before she picked up Skull.

"I know you only hatched a month ago," she told him, "but you may have to walk a little once we get to Sandgem town." Skull nodded. He understood (maybe more description here.). Lucia hugged him tightly and grinned.

"We're going to be famous. We don't even have to enter contests or fight at gyms. I just know that we'll be famous!" exclaimed Lucia happily. Skull smiled from underneath his helmet. As long as he fought beside Lucia, he was fine with being famous. (Weird paragraph there... Maybe she should have a daydream or something to show the reader why she thinks she'll be famous.)

Lucia rushed downstairs. Her parents, a rather eccentric-looking couple wearing matching plaid vests, hugged her goodbye. They had already discussed all of the details, and Lucia had convinced them that she could make it on her own. Her mother reminded her to eat lots of leppa berries because evidentially they cured indigestion. [S-HIGHLIGHT]As [/S-HIGHLIGHT]Lucia left the small town with Skull sitting on her shoulder like some sort of bird Pokémon. They paused when Lucia came to a sign.

"Lake Valor," she muttered. Skull clambered up onto her shoulder (wasn't he already there?). Lucia began to put her fingertips to her lips, a habit she had developed to suppress biting her nails. "Maybe we should make a detour," she reasoned. "What do you think, Skull?"

Skull scratched his chin with a clawed hand before tapping Lucia on the head with his club and pointing towards the west, where Sandgem was.

"Yeah," Lucia agreed. "I can't be late. That weird professor wanted to talk to me today about getting a Pokedex (should be capitalized)." Skull nodded, and they began to walk westwards[S-HIGHLIGHT],[/S-HIGHLIGHT] through a grassy area with a dirt path winding through it.

**********
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"She seems a bit odd, don't you think?" Alexander crooned to his dark, red-skinned Flareon[S-HIGHLIGHT],[/S-HIGHLIGHT] Kerze. Kerze nodded silently while Alex draped his arms to either side of the branch that he and Kerze had been napping on. The sound of that girl talking had ("roused him from his sleep" might be more fitting).

"She seemed friendly to that Cubone," he mused. "But it was definitely low-leveled, unlike my beloved Kerze." (Making references to levels is unrealistic. Something along the lines of "it was definitely inexperienced in battle" may work better)The Flareon's dark eyes rose to her master's similarly dark brown eyes. Alex dropped carefully from the branch he was on to the next lowest, being careful not to ruffle his chin-length whitish-blond hair. His shirt, a stylish black cardigan, got snagged on a branch, (which prompted a curse from him).

"Kerze, we're heading for Sandgem," he growled angrily. "Perhaps the mart sells clothes that last for more than a week." Kerze hid her mischievous grin while hopping daintily down the branches, careful not to ruffle her soft, cream colored coat.

**********
​

"Sorry we're late!" yelled Lucia as she burst into the lab's front door. "There was this bidoof and-" Lucia stopped[S-HIGHLIGHT] in[/S-HIGHLIGHT] mid-sentence. The lab was eerily empty, like a haunted house, (though all the lights were on). Lucia walked slowly towards a desk in the front while Skull followed closely behind, trembling a little. He didn't like feeling alone (I don't really get how he would feel this way. After all, Lucia is there and the lights are on. Explain more, perhaps using more description pertaining to the lab). He knew humans were supposed to be in this place. Lucia silently picked up a Pokedex that had her name labeled on it.

"I wonder where that old professor is," she murmured. After she'd said that, (she heard a small cry from behind her, and she and Skull turned around). A small, sandy brown Buneary with puffy white fur on its ears was struggling towards them. The poor thing was covered in scorch marks. Lucia dashed towards the Buneary with Skull clinging to her shoulder.

"Poor thing," whispered Lucia, carefully picking it up. It made a soft wailing noise. Lucia quietly raised herself up with Skull peering over her shoulder at the injured Buneary. The Buneary looked at him with sad, dark eyes as it clung to Lucia's chest. Skull didn't like this. He didn't like this (one) bit. (one bit is usually more acceptable than a bit)

The Pokémon center nearby took in the Buneary without hesitation. (You should have devoted a paragraph to explaining how they got to the Pokemon Center) Lucia and Skull quietly sat in the lobby, waiting for news of the Buneary's condition. It took nearly three hours for the nurse to reappear. (When she reappeared,) the Buneary was in her arms, wrapped in bandages.

"She'll take a while to heal," said the nurse softly. (Have her tell Lucia what was exactly wrong with the Buneary.) With that, she placed the Buneary in Lucia's arms and hurried back to her post before Lucia could ask her about the original trainer. (What would the nurse know about the original trainer? After all, every Buneary in the world would look the same to a human.) Lucia then silently glanced down at the female Buneary that was now fast asleep.

"I'll give you a name, then," Lucia said, stroking the Buneary's fluffy ears.
"I think I'll name you Emmy. You look like an Emmy. What do you think, Skull?" Skull watched the tiny bunny Pokémon breath slowly. After a moment's consideration, he nodded.

"I'll let Emmy know when she wakes up," Lucia muttered. "For now though, let's all get some rest. We can visit the professor tomorrow." Skull nodded in agreement. He was still a bit shaken from seeing Emmy like that when they first found her. Skull wasn't sure he wanted to know what had happened.

A little more description in some parts wouldn't hurt, and you could easily extend this to be over four pages long. But it was a good job nonetheless. Continue writing and improve at your own pace. If you want another review, just PM me again and I will get my next review up as soon as possible.

 

[HyenaHaze]

Thanks. I'm going to go ahead and write out a few chapters, then revise them all at the same time. That's the game plan. :P