Mini, the man and the horse

[Murak]

Okay, this was made with Vixen Fox on Deviantart, we both agreed to do something... I'll write a short story, and she'll draw a picture from it for each segment of it.

this was my half.

A dark alley came into view, a cloaked man stood under a streetlight, bathed by it's amber light, the man seemed to be writing something on a piece of paper for several moments before dropping it on the ground.

Within moments, dark clouds began to emit from the dropped parchment, a figure slowly began to take shape in the mist, a humanoid figure that looked unnaturally build; its biceps were the size of tree stumps, fists as huge as a sledgehammer, chest of a behemoth, legs surprising flexible for it's large size, the figure glanced at it's surroundings for several moments before taking a single step forward, it's gigantic feet crushing the pavement below as though it was wet paper.

"I...I did it..." the cloaked man muttered quietly "I've created a mannequin..."

The 'mannequin' glanced at it's creator before thrusting it's arm into the cloaked man's left shoulder, at which point the man drew a sword and shouted "Benehime", although protected, the man was thrown through the streetlamp and began to slowly crawl away from the area into the wilderness on the city's outskirts.

The cloaked figure walked slowly into the centre of the barren wasteland where a horse with a dark cloth covering all but it's head, which was as black as the night sky and had crimson eyes that seemed to pierce the soul of all it looked at.

'That human, what is the power he possess?' The figure thought whilst using curative magic to heal a wound on his left shoulder, 'Had i not used 'benehime' i would have lost my left arm!'

The horse could smell the dark stench of blood from the man and began to walk towards him, its feet clopping quietly on the ground.

"Yami!" The injured man shouted through a bloody mouth, "Where the devil were you?"

The horse continued to slowly walk towards the man, silent and indifferent. the man stumbled forward now and collapsed upon reaching the horse.

"Forward," the man grimaced sourly at his shoulder, "take me to 'the Pillar of Memory'."

The dark horse seemed to understand it's master's orders and began to slowly walk, clopping quietly, towards the scene where his nightmares began...

and this was her half.

 

[Nubi505]

The segment was kind of hard to follow. You have some good literary elements in it though. Description, metaphors, and similes. However the sentences are drawn out with commas and like punctuation. Commas are great, but if you run a sentence on for too long it becomes hard to understand. Break your thoughts into many parts [sentences] instead of just one part.

In example:

Within moments, dark clouds began to emit from the dropped parchment, and a figure slowly began to take shape in the mist. It was a humanoid figure that looked unnaturally built; its biceps were the size of tree stumps, fists as huge as a sledgehammer, with the chest of a behemoth, and its legs surprising flexible for it's large size. The figure glanced at it's surroundings for several moments before taking a single step forward, it's gigantic feet crushing the pavement below as though it was wet paper.

Breaking the paragraph up into sentences instead of using multiple commas, makes it flow a little better.

Keep writing and work on sentence structure. This segment doesn't give much away, but the potential to be an awesome story is there.

 

[Murak]

I know, I know ><

I'm always too lazy to fix up what i write. (also this was written about 2 years ago and i didn't touch it since because me and vixen fox never really agreed on what should happen next)