[Pokémon] MonoCorporation [PG16+]

[Euphie]

Thank you for taking the time to read my fic <3
Constructive criticism is appreciated and greatly encouraged!

A real title is pending. That's always the hardest part for me XD
Reader discretion is advised >_>
Expect fowl language, potentially violent scenes and death - The kind of stuff 4kids dosen't approve of ;]
If these adult concepts offend you, don't say I didn't warn you...


MonoCorporation
"for the greater good"
Chapter Zero
(Just a little teaser as I polish off Chapter 1)
​

Cities always made Kassandra anxious. Maybe it was the endlessly shadowing towers of twisted metal and glass which grew from every gridded cement block, looming over her, that made her sick to her stomach. The polluted air. The loud impatient traffic jams at every corner. The cold, spiteful, atmosphere that hung like a haze over the crowded mass of faceless people. Kassandra wasn't sure exactly why she hated city society, but being lost deep in the urban jungle was one of her greatest fears.

The crowds on the downtown sidewalks were thick like molasses. It was impossible for Kassandra to ride her bicycle through it. She had no choice but to set out on foot, dragging her shinny pink bike along side. Carefully making her way through the crowd. The back basket was stacked high with her only possessions and strapped down tightly. Her entire life packed onto her bike and stuffed into her knapsack. It must have been an unusual sight for some city-folk on the streets, as Kassandra seemed to attract a lot of confused and judgmental glances from the passing people. Feeling nervous in the heat of the spotlight, Kassandra adjusted the part in her artificially dyed bangs. She brushed back and puffed up the teased black mess of long wavy hair with a single hand, then straightened her matching bow that decoratively divided the pink and teal streaks that strayed through her doo. All in vain, as it was more then her sparky hair color that attracted gawking attention to the young girl.

Even as a little innocent kid she was always singled out and picked on by the status quo. High School taught her very quickly that if you don't blend in, you'll never fit in. And blending in was a foreign concept for kassandra.

But to be honest, she didn't really want to fit in. Most girls at her age were more concerned with finding a rich boyfriend then training a Pokemon. In fact, most girls Kassandra had the unfortunate pleasure of knowing thought Pokemon were Icky, dangerous, or deadly.

Clearly Kassandra thought otherwise. As the only reason she set foot in such an intoxicating metropolis was for the sake of her future Pokemon. MonoCorporation closest testing facility could be found in the heart of downtown Goldenrod. It is there that kassandra will earn the right to a MonoCorp sponsorship. Young Pokemon fanatics eagerly apply for the sponsorship program, and hope for a chance to prove their Pokemon Training ability. Kassandra had her application in the mail a day before she turned the age of eligibility. But it was almost five months after her thirteenth birthday when she finally received her acceptance letter. Kassandra had almost given up hope of ever owning a Pokemon. Then the day finally came when she saw that large pale envelope with MonoCorp's insignia branded across it, and Kassandra's life changed forever.....

"A package arrived for you today, Kass." announced my older half-brother, only moments after I had stepped into the house. I hadn't even taken my shoes off yet. "It...It's from...errr..." He was acting even weirder then usual.

"From who? Spit it out already!" I barked impatiently.

"Damnit Kassandra! Don't you get it yet!? They own EVERYTHING! Every Pokecenter, every Pokemart, every lab, every storage system, and every manufacturer. They're taking over!" My seafoam eyes lowered to a glare as my brothers rant tumbled further into insanity. "You'll be their pawn if you sign their contract Kassan---"

"WHAT!? Zack, you jerk!!! I got a response from MonoCorp and you didn't tell me right away?! Roaring in disgust I instantly knew what had arrived in the mail, and what my brother was keeping from me. "Give me it now!" I demanded.

"I can't believe you applied behind my back, haven't you been listing to anything I've been saying?" He took a moment to adjust his thick rimed black glasses and wipe a tear away from his eye I think. "MonoCorp is behind this whole crazy pokemon conspiracy, and if you join them you'll be nothing but a tool !" He screeched suddenly.

"You're nuts!" I wanted nothing to do with his crazy nerdy rambling "Shut up and give me my letter!" I stomped my foot and glared at him fiercely.

Reluctantly my older brother retrieved the envelope for me. "You don't need them Kassandra..." He said as he handed over the package I had been dreaming about.

"Pfft" I huffed and yanked it from his grip to examined it fully. A magnificent seal on the back of the envelope proudly displayed The MonoCorporation's insignia. Some kind of a pointed cross with an eight-point star and a pokeball on top of it. It was strange, but whatever, I just ripped it open anyways. "I could never afford to make my dreams come true. But with this sponsorship I'll be a World renowned Tournament winner! Ha!"

"You're trading your soul for their blood money..."

"I can see my name in the Hall of Fame now..." I smirked, completely oblivious to whatever else my brother was going on about. All I cared about was learning my destiny. I slowly slid out the papers within the envelope. My jaw must have dropped when I read the words "ACCEPTED" ​

Only when Kassandra was standing in the shadow of a certain sixty story skyscraper did she truly feel nauseous. MonoCorporation's Goldenrod division. There it was, just across the street. Her heart was racing with excitement and fear, for within those walls her fate would be decided. Just as she reached the corner the walk light turned red and Kassandra stopped abruptly, one foot off the curb.

"There's always something trying to stop me...." Grumbled Kassandra as she hopped back onto the sidewalk and waited her turn in traffic patiently. With her bike at her side, she waited for what felt like a lifetime for the light to turn in her favor. Finally the green light came, and her future was within reach. She stepped out onto the crosswalk and...'Wooosshhhhh' A grimy wave of puddled rainwater washed over the poor girl as a packed city bus zoomed by her side. Kassandra gasped in terror. She was covered in mud. Her outfit was ruined!

Just her luck. The girl scurried to the other side of the roadway and sighed angrily. Her favorite Teal hoodie; the one with the big front pocket and the hand-stitched heart, was stained. Her old torn jeans were soaked and they were her only pair. Not to mention she stunk like an overflowing sewer now! At least her belongings on the bicycle were covered, but everything else, including her beautiful hair, was damp. Not a good way to start the first day of her new life...

 

[Astinus]

I caught this fast.

First, welcome to not only PokeCommunity, but also to FanFiction and Writing (otherwise known as "FF&W")! We hope you enjoy your stay here. Thanks for posting your fanfic.

I'll start out simple. I had some difficulties reading your chapter because of your font choice. It's tiny on my screen, and so I had to lean in close to make out what it says. It's also difficult to read small bright pink font, especially when the forum skin in use is white. The colors clash and hurt the eyes.

So if the font tags were removed, that would be a wonderful thing, and would help gain more readers.

To more mechanical things, you do have some typos here and there throughout your story. There were some cases where you missed capitalizing Kassandra's name, or where some sentences felt more like fragments. Most of your mistakes lie in that bright pink section of your story, so I'll point out some from there.

On mentioning that section, I'll say that the sudden turn to first-person narration confused me for a bit until I realized we were in Kass's mind. I'm going to say that you should stick to the third-person limited even for flashbacks. It just makes it easier for the reader to follow, and that way it doesn't sound too odd for Kass to suddenly mention the color of her eyes.

"A package arrived for you today Kass." Announced my older half-brother,

"announced" is a dialogue tag, so you'll want to have that lower-cased, and the full stop after "Kass" should be a comma to fit with that. Also, you'll need a comma after "today" for the direct address to Kass.

"WHAT!? Zack, you jerk!!!

Capslock and three exclamation points doesn't look good in writing, especially professional writing like this should be treated as. You can put "What?" in italics and use narration to describe how Kass yells out the rest.

and if you join them you'll be their too

"theirs"

He said as he handed over the package I had been dreaming about!

You should lean away from using exclamation points in narration.

There are others scattered here and there. I'll suggest finding a beta reader to look over your story before you post it so that you can clean up the grammar. Because other than the grammar, this is looking to be the start of something good. I'm interested in this MonoCorporation and how they're involved in everything. I'd like to see more of Kass and her unfortunate start to her destiny. So keep writing and posting!

Hope this helps.

 

[Euphie]

I caught this fast.

First, welcome to not only PokeCommunity, but also to FanFiction and Writing (otherwise known as "FF&W")! We hope you enjoy your stay here. Thanks for posting your fanfic.

Thanks! <3

I'll start out simple. I had some difficulties reading your chapter because of your font choice. It's tiny on my screen, and so I had to lean in close to make out what it says. It's also difficult to read small bright pink font, especially when the forum skin in use is white. The colors clash and hurt the eyes.

Really? I'm blind as a bat, and that's why I made the font so big lol. Arial Narrow is a personal fav but maybe I should change it? Color choice was to separate characters personal flashback monologue, which is a frequent device throughout the story. I suppose it will make more sense as the story progresses, but given it was such a small exert I understand why it would be confusing. The pink isn't my first choice of shade, but I wasen't sure if this forum would allow custom color codes =]

To more mechanical things, you do have some typos here and there throughout your story. There were some cases where you missed capitalizing Kassandra's name, or where some sentences felt more like fragments. Most of your mistakes lie in that bright pink section of your story, so I'll point out some from there.

On mentioning that section, I'll say that the sudden turn to first-person narration confused me for a bit until I realized we were in Kass's mind. I'm going to say that you should stick to the third-person limited even for flashbacks. It just makes it easier for the reader to follow, and that way it doesn't sound too odd for Kass to suddenly mention the color of her eyes.

lol I agree with the eye color thing... I don't know how people who choice third person properly describe their main character to be honest. Always seems awkward to babble on about yourself.

Capslock and three exclamation points doesn't look good in writing, especially professional writing like this should be treated as. You can put "What?" in italics and use narration to describe how Kass yells out the rest.

A little overboard - Noted. lol I tried to write it as if I was Kassandra. Putting her own personality into her flashback as it were....

"theirs"

curses! that one always gets me...

There are others scattered here and there. I'll suggest finding a beta reader to look over your story before you post it so that you can clean up the grammar. Because other than the grammar, this is looking to be the start of something good. I'm interested in this MonoCorporation and how they're involved in everything. I'd like to see more of Kass and her unfortunate start to her destiny. So keep writing and posting!

Hope this helps.

Thanks again for the awesome criticism. <33333 Hope you keep reading and I don't disappoint.
I wish I had a good beta =[ But my Pokemon obsession is my dirty little secret. I don't think my friends would understand, let alone want to edit my silly Pokemon stories XD
Editors are the real writing geniuses!~ I'm just an idea person lol So my stuff is always messy and in desperate need of a good edit... No matter how many times I re-read it, I always miss something. And continuity was never my strong point.