[Pokémon] Mr. Dervish [One-Shot] PG-13

[[Imaginative]:[Clockwork]]

Here's a little bite-sized one-shot I wrote recently. I feel like it's something different for me, since the narration is unlike anything I can remember writing. But I had fun with it, so hopefully you'll have fun reading it. :)

I didn't know this, but Dervish is Earl's last name. So the Mr. Dervish in the title is Earl from Violet City.

Mr. Dervish​

I would have studied for the exam if I had thought there was any chance I could have passed. I really, really would have. But I learned on day one that the best I can hope for in the classroom are moral victories so I don't even bother expending any effort academically. I mean, you can't win a battle against someone with the power to make you lose, right? Well… you can win, but only if you're willing to think outside the box.

Of course, I was somehow the only one in the entire class who had no idea what he was doing. Susie freaking sailed through the two-hundred questions and just like always, she used her flabby forearm to guard all her answers so I couldn't cheat. She's so gross. Ever heard of deodorant, sicko?

Mr. Dervish just kept dancing in front of the chalkboard. Like, what the hell is that? Did he think that people liked him because he danced like an idiot? I can say this much: I hated him. It's totally crazy, but somehow the sight of his tumbling fat rolls rippling beneath his suit didn't make learning any more bearable.

Anyway, I had gotten about six answers down, half of which were smartass jokes made out of frustration, when Mr. Dervish's insanely low time limit ended and everyone slammed their writing utensils down obediently. I rolled my eyes and flicked my blue pen to the side, earning yet another I'm-the-teacher-so-I-have-to-pretend-to-like-you-even-though-I-hate-you looks from Mr. Dervish.

Good lord, what a chubby, pathetic loser.

He collected our papers, glancing at mine and squeaking out a mean-spirited chuckle. I didn't care, though. Okay, I did care, if only because I thought he had won yet again, but it's not like it matters now. Since Mr. Dervish died before he got to grade any of the papers, I just bet that we'll get a retake with some last-minute replacement teacher.

I look into the casket, noting that his fat cheeks are no longer their usual obese person red. They're now as white as the skin underneath Susie's thick, tangled arm hair. Haha, Susie, you're so butch.

It almost seems like some of these people know. I feel like people keep looking at me between their dramatic sobs. There's no way they could know already though. I bet they're just staring because I'm in a T-shirt and swimming trunks. Give me a break, people, I'm going to the lake after this and I don't wanna go all the way home to change out of a suit.

I really don't know why I was so upset about the test. I guess it was just the final nail in the coffin. I mean, it's not like I never tried. His tests were just way too hard and, considering I was the only one who wasn't passing the class, I have to assume that they were designed specifically to make me fail. From the very first test, I could see that I was the enemy. No reason. Just baseless hate against an excellent young man.

Douche.

And I knew I wouldn't be the last. That's why I did it. To protect others from Mr. Dervish's disgusting prejudices against funny, skinny people like me. If I hadn't caught him after class that day, who knows what kind of injustices would be committed down the road? You're welcome, future badasses.

It was kind of hilarious, now that I think about it. His beady little eyes bulged out from between his bushy eyebrows and flubbery cheeks when I got a hold of him. There wasn't much preparation on my part, but I did the best I could with just my own two hands. I've imagined the exact scenario dozens of times but I never thought he'd be so doughy. The best part is that he actually tried to make some snarky remark about my study habits when I started talking to him… I think… it was so hard to understand him sometimes. Anyway, I'm sure he regretted it during his last few gasping moments. That's the best part. That second when he realized that I was in control of him.

Oh, Mr. Dervish. If only you'd seen my potential. But it's too late for that. It's also getting too late for me to stay here, staring at you while your body practically overflows out of the casket. It's prime swimming time!

I don't know if I'll get caught. I guess it's possible, considering I didn't really create an alibi or anything. I don't know. Right now I just want to forget about school drama and get my summer started the right way: at the lake!

 

[Who's Kiyo?]

In all honesty, I really liked this piece. It has just enough to be descriptive and have meat on its bones.

The style of writing kind of reminds me of Catcher in the Rye somewhat, except this time instead of a delusional depressive we have a murderous douchebag.

I like the message and how the twists made it intriguing. Nice job, overall.

 

[[Imaginative]:[Clockwork]]

In all honesty, I really liked this piece. It has just enough to be descriptive and have meat on its bones.

The style of writing kind of reminds me of Catcher in the Rye somewhat, except this time instead of a delusional depressive we have a murderous douchebag.

I like the message and how the twists made it intriguing. Nice job, overall.

I'm always worried about description with first-person so it's great to hear that it had just enough. :)

I've never read it. ._.;;;; /loser Haha, but yes, this character is quite a douchebag. It was great fun to write. XD

Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it.

 

[JX Valentine]

I'm going to cut straight to the point. I thought it wasn't your best. Because of the fact that I think you can do better, I may be a little harsher than normal with this one.

Honestly... the character himself is a turn-off. I know you were aiming for douche, but it just feels like he's over-the-top with it to the point where his actions don't entirely make sense. I mean, I understand he's psychotic and that he may or may not have an inferiority complex (for which he uses a massive bully/badass persona to cover it up and make himself feel like he's better than he actually is), but still, it feels like how he presents himself at the beginning doesn't entirely match up with the image of the kind of psychotic killer no one would expect. For example, if he actually cared about the exam, he wouldn't be blowing off studying for it, only to blame the difficulty of the test on Earl's practices. If that's the case, then what's his motive for killing his own teacher? He says it's to protect future generations of badasses from Earl, but if you don't have anything to rebel against, then you're not a badass. You're just a kid with an attitude problem. Not to mention all the side comments (the potshots at Susie, the explanation for why he didn't study, that kind of thing) made me think he was just an immature kid. So, in my mind, the murder doesn't quite fit because all it does is make him seem even more immature, rather than fully sociopathic. I'm honestly left wondering more about what's wrong with his parents than why he did it, at the risk of being overly blunt.

I also found it a little bit on the weak side because not much detail was put into the murder itself. If the kid was psychotic or otherwise took pleasure in Earl's death, then I would imagine that would be something he'd really focus on: what happened and how satisfying it was to perform the act. I mean, this is the guy he hates with a passion, and we don't even get to know the exact method the kid used to kill him?

Besides that, it's a clean work. I always like first-person pieces that are told from the perspective of the killer himself. (Dexter is a fun example.) Not to mention there's nothing structurally I can point out besides the redundant feel produced by the repetition of the word I for the beginnings of three paragraphs -- which could be attributed to the fact that this is first-person anyway. It's also a good concept and feels like the kid is telling someone else (like a friend or something along those lines) what he did. I mean, if I imagine that it's being told like that (from the killer to someone else), it actually adds a layer of psychosis to him while at the same time giving the story a hint of humor (because it's a little amusing to imagine the reaction the other person might have towards his story). Not to mention I do admit it was fun trying to figure out just what is wrong with this kid, and I'm still going back and forth about how deep his psychosis actually is.

It's just that the character and his actions made this fic difficult to get into -- and not in the ways you intended. For this reason, I do think this is a bit weaker than your other one-shots. I'd say the best way to remedy this is probably to practice with first-person a little more. Maybe develop the character here a bit further until his actions match what you're trying to say about him.

 

[[Imaginative]:[Clockwork]]

Honestly... the character himself is a turn-off. I know you were aiming for douche, but it just feels like he's over-the-top with it to the point where his actions don't entirely make sense. I mean, I understand he's psychotic and that he may or may not have an inferiority complex (for which he uses a massive bully/badass persona to cover it up and make himself feel like he's better than he actually is), but still, it feels like how he presents himself at the beginning doesn't entirely match up with the image of the kind of psychotic killer no one would expect. For example, if he actually cared about the exam, he wouldn't be blowing off studying for it, only to blame the difficulty of the test on Earl's practices.

I get what you're saying here and now that I look at it, you're right. The intro about studying was originally because I wanted this to start out with a more dull, high-school-ish intro before kind of letting the reader realize that this kid murdered his teacher to make a huge contrast. But yeah, if he regretted studying then he obviously thinks he could have passed, which would mean he understands that Earl doesn't intentionally fail him and yeah. ^^; Derp.

If that's the case, then what's his motive for killing his own teacher? He says it's to protect future generations of badasses from Earl, but if you don't have anything to rebel against, then you're not a badass. You're just a kid with an attitude problem. Not to mention all the side comments (the potshots at Susie, the explanation for why he didn't study, that kind of thing) made me think he was just an immature kid. So, in my mind, the murder doesn't quite fit because all it does is make him seem even more immature, rather than fully sociopathic. I'm honestly left wondering more about what's wrong with his parents than why he did it, at the risk of being overly blunt.

I tried to make it so that, rather than just immature, he's delusional to the point of truly considering everyone so inferior to him that he doesn't necessarily see the problem with making fun of others (because they obviously deserve it). It's also why he doesn't seem to feel all that bad about killing a man, because Earl was clearly against him so it just makes sense that he would get payback. Which, I admit, is the definition of immaturity, but I would think that at this level it has reached the point of a mental illness. Then again, I could be completely off the mark. XD

I also found it a little bit on the weak side because not much detail was put into the murder itself. If the kid was psychotic or otherwise took pleasure in Earl's death, then I would imagine that would be something he'd really focus on: what happened and how satisfying it was to perform the act. I mean, this is the guy he hates with a passion, and we don't even get to know the exact method the kid used to kill him?

I really didn't want to get too in-depth since I liked the fact that he never clearly states that he murdered him, but what you're saying makes sense. I think I'll go back and maybe add a few more details to make the method pretty clear. Also, I'll probably let him talk a little more about his personal feelings on the murder, since I think that's probably more important than the act itself.

Besides that, it's a clean work. I always like first-person pieces that are told from the perspective of the killer himself. (Dexter is a fun example.)

Urgh, I always see Dexter commercials and want to watch but I've never gotten around to it. :P

Not to mention there's nothing structurally I can point out besides the redundant feel produced by the repetition of the word I for the beginnings of three paragraphs -- which could be attributed to the fact that this is first-person anyway.

Whoops, I'll have to fix that. Thanks for the catch.

It's also a good concept and feels like the kid is telling someone else (like a friend or something along those lines) what he did. I mean, if I imagine that it's being told like that (from the killer to someone else), it actually adds a layer of psychosis to him while at the same time giving the story a hint of humor (because it's a little amusing to imagine the reaction the other person might have towards his story). Not to mention I do admit it was fun trying to figure out just what is wrong with this kid, and I'm still going back and forth about how deep his psychosis actually is.

I wish I had written this with another listener in mind, but I actually imagined it to be this kid rambling to himself as if he has an audience. It wasn't something I took very far, but I wanted to include the idea of him having very few friends (talking to himself, going to the lake alone, his apparent resentment in the rest of his class).

It's just that the character and his actions made this fic difficult to get into -- and not in the ways you intended. For this reason, I do think this is a bit weaker than your other one-shots. I'd say the best way to remedy this is probably to practice with first-person a little more. Maybe develop the character here a bit further until his actions match what you're trying to say about him.

I'm definitely going to look this back over with your comments in mind and hopefully edit it into a stronger piece. Thank you so much for the excellent review. I enjoyed reading it. :)