My Cause

[Alana]

I have no idea why I named this story what I did but it just seems to fit. Anyway, I hope to get some reviews on this and not too many bad ones if I can help it. ^^;

My Cause​

Prologue:

A soft tune filled the peaceful forest air with a sense of deepest calm. The girl emitting it was walking cheerfully on the beaten path that was the quickest and easiest way to the other side of the wood. Her light blue hair danced merrily behind her as her ponytail swung back and forth. Though the day was sunny and cloudless, the air was chilly and the girl's long-sleeved red shirt under her white t-shirt was proof of this. Her fair cheeks were flushed slightly from the cold but her breath did not show in the air which meant it was not too cold for a pleasant hike through the woods.

Of course, to anyone with eyes it would be obvious that this girl was probably not simply out for a stroll. Her jeans fit snuggly so the belt around her waist was unnecessary and the six small, red and white balls clipped neatly to it were the best sign that she was a trainer. This wasn't anything unusual, but it was still useful information for any other trainers looking for a battle.

As it happened, this girl was one of those trainers. She had been traveling through the wood for a day already and thus far had not met any other trainers. She had thought sticking to the path would be the best way to find some, but it seemed that luck just wasn't with her. Plenty of Pokemon, the forest was filled with them, but no trainers. None that weren't newbies, anyway. Being fifteen she had no desire to test her skills against a ten year old with a baby Pokemon. It wouldn't be fair to the kid or their Pokemon and would be a waste of skill on her part. She had long since passed the point where she needed to battle babies to win.

"Hey there, wait up," a deep male voice brought the girl from her thoughts. She turned her bright crimson eyes on him. She smiled and paused. The boy, whose hair and eyes were both a rich brown, was wearing a trainer's belt.

"Hello," her voice was light and slightly accented, which, apart from the slightly slanted shape of her eyes, was the only sign that she was not native to the region she was in.

The boy grinned as he approached. "Odd for a pretty girl like you to be wandering on your own. You up for a battle?"

Her cheeks became a slightly deeper red but she smiled and nodded. "Glad you asked. I've been looking for a battle for some time." She offered her hand, which was half covered by the long-sleeved shirt she was wearing, to him, "I'm Aiya Sinel; it's a pleasure."

The boy took the offered hand and shook it politely. "The pleasure's all mine, Aiya. I'm Jacob Hash. Now, how 'bout that battle?"

"I'm ready when you are." Aiya removed one of the six Pokeballs from her belt and stepped back, holding it ready.

"Good, be ready, I'm a very experienced trainer." Jacob unclipped a similar red and white ball from his belt and took a step backward as well. "Here we go, I choose Starmie!" A flash of white light burst from the ball as Jacob tossed it easily into the air. The light twisted for a moment then took the shape of an eight-pointed star shaped Pokemon and became solid, purple spreading over the Pokemon's body and a red gem taking form in it's center.

"Interesting, but Starmie is no match for my Ampharos!" There was another flash of white light and the large, skinny, yellow and black electric Pokemon took form as its trainer caught the Pokeball that returned after releasing its charge.

"Type advantage won't win you this battle. Oh yeah, if you don't mind, this'll be a simple one on one battle. Sound good?"

"That's fine with me. If you don't mind, I'll start this. Ampharos, Thunderpunch!" Electricity sparked from the red orbs on Ampharos's tail and head. In response to its trainer's call, it leapt forward, pulling its fist back as electricity gathered around it.

"Rapid Spin; deflect the attack!" Starmie leapt into the air and began spinning. Ampharos was thrown backwards, the Thunderpunch attack failing to cause damage.

"Thunder Wave!" Ampharos regained its balance quickly and sent a wave of electricity at Starmie who attempted to deflect it with Rapid Spin. The move failed and Starmie was sent to the ground, weakened.

"Not bad, but it'll take a lot more than that to beat Starmie. Recover!" The water type was surrounded in white light as its energy returned.

"Thunder!" The blast came so fast that Jacob was stunned, but nowhere near as stunned as his Starmie. "Thunderpunch!" The second try worked perfectly. Starmie was sent flying into a nearby tree while electricity coursed through its body, cracking the red crystal in its center.

"What the…Starmie, you okay?" The injured Pokemon flashed the red crystal in its center once or twice before fainting. "Return." Jacob held up his Pokeball and watched as Starmie vanished in a flash of red light. "Whoa, just whoa. You're an amazing trainer!"

"Thank you. I've had a lot of practice." Aiya grinned and rubbed the back of her head as she blushed. Ampharos made a similar gesture before being returned to its Pokeball. "Do you want me to escort you to the Pokemon Center? You're Starmie can't battle at the moment…"

"Don't worry. I have five other Pokemon to take care of me. Charizard, Pidgeotto, Dewgong, Seaking, and Vaporeon."

"Oh, I have a Charizard too! So, it sounds like you like water types, am I correct?"

"Right on the money, Aiya. Still, even with my team I might not be able to make it through the forest unharmed. Starmie wasn't my strongest, but it was my first and bravest. I think I'll take you up on your offer."

Aiya gave a smile that hinted at slyness, but said nothing to convey the fact that she knew he needed no help getting to the Pokemon Center. "All right. I'd like the company anyway. Perhaps when Starmie's healed it can battle against my Charizard. Or maybe we can battle Charizard against Charizard."

"Sounds good," said Jacob airily, beginning to walk down the path. "So, where are you from? If I had to take a guess I'd say Johto."

"You're guess is right. I am from Johto. Ecruteak City, to be precise."

"That certainly explains your accent and appearance. So what brings you to Kanto?"

"I hope to challenge the gym leaders of this region and enter the Indigo League."

"A fine goal," said Jacob in an approving voice. "If you need any tips I'd be glad to help you. I've entered the Indigo League once already."

"Really?" asked Aiya, clearly very interested, "How did you do?"

"Not bad, but not great. I made it past my first battle easily but the second one didn't go so well. I came close though."

"Do you plan to enter it again?"

"Sure do. I'm gonna win it this time!"

"You have to get past me to do that," Aiya stated airily, "I already have three badges and I'm confident I'll win my fourth in the next city."

"You're going after the Earth Badge, then. The city after this forest is Viridian. Did you know that already?"

"I'll admit I didn't."

Jacob chuckled, turning cheery eyes on Aiya. "The leader there is powerful but with a good strategy he can be beaten. A good team helps too."

"What's his name? If I can do some research on him before I battle then I'll have a better chance of winning."

"Giovanni, I think. Odd guy. He likes to stay in the shadows when he battles and he doesn't stand in the arena either. Prefers to look down from a balcony. Arrogant prick, I bet he just doesn't wanna risk getting hurt!" He laughed at this.

Aiya smiled but didn't laugh. She was too busy thinking. "Stays in the shadows and battles from a balcony? What kind of trainer does that?"

"The cowardly kind."

"Perhaps. Or maybe it's got something to do with his strategy. Interesting."

"Don't think too hard on it. It's an advantage, as I see it. Slower reaction time. Anyway, here we are."

The two stopped, Jacob smiling over at his new companion who was observing the city happily. Tall buildings and many smaller ones spread for at least a mile. The Pokemon Center wasn't visible from where they stood but hardly anything else was. They were on the very outskirts where a few small buildings and police station stood.

"Come on," said Jacob, brushing Aiya's arm to get her attention. "I'll lead you to the Pokemon Center. It's near the center of the city."

Aiya followed his lead without question, her eyes bright with happiness. "This place is so cool!"

~~~~

Nurse Joy greeted both trainers with a bright smile and polite greeting when they entered and was perfectly willing to heal their Pokemon when asked. "They'll be fully healed in no time. Do you plan to stay the night?"

"Yes, please," said Aiya promptly. "I need a good nights rest like my Pokemon if I plan to beat the gym tomorrow."

"All right, here's a key. Enjoy your stay and be sure to explore the city some."

"I will! Thanks."

Jacob continued to grin, accepting another key from Nurse Joy and disappearing into the hall that held the many rooms for passing trainers. Aiya followed him and emerged a short while later without the backpack she had been carrying. She paused to examine a map of the city pinned to the Center wall then skipped out of the Pokemon Center.

 

[Shino_Black_Card]

I have no idea why I named this story what I did but it just seems to fit. Anyway, I hope to get some reviews on this and not too many bad ones if I can help it. ^^;

My Cause​

Prologue:

A soft tune filled the peaceful forest air with a sense of deepest calm. The girl emitting it was walking cheerfully on the beaten path that was the quickest and easiest way to the other side of the wood. Her light blue hair danced merrily behind her as her ponytail swung back and forth. Though the day was sunny and cloudless, the air was chilly and the girl's long-sleeved red shirt under her white t-shirt was proof of this. Her fair cheeks were flushed slightly from the cold but her breath did not show in the air which meant it was not too cold for a pleasant hike through the woods.

Of course, to anyone with eyes it would be obvious that this girl was probably not simply out for a stroll. Her jeans fit snuggly so the belt around her waist was unnecessary and the six small, red and white balls clipped neatly to it were the best sign that she was a trainer. This wasn't anything unusual, but it was still useful information for any other trainers looking for a battle.

As it happened, this girl was one of those trainers. She had been traveling through the wood for a day already and thus far not met any other trainers. She had thought sticking to the path would be the best way to find some, but it seemed that luck just wasn't with her. Plenty of Pokemon, the forest was filled with them, but no trainers. None that weren't newbies, anyway. Being fifteen she had no desire to test her skills against a ten year old with a baby Pokemon. It wouldn't be fair to the kid or their Pokemon and would be a waste of skill on her part. She had long since passed the point where she needed to battle babies to win.

"Hey there, wait up," a deep male voice brought the girl from her thoughts. She turned her bright crimson eyes on him. She smiled and paused. The boy, whose hair and eyes were both a rich brown, was wearing a trainer's belt.

"Hello," her voice was light and slightly accented, which, apart from the slightly slanted shape of her eyes, was the only sign that she was not native to the region she was in.

The boy grinned as he approached. "Odd for a pretty girl like you to be wandering on your own. You up for a battle?"

Her cheeks became a slightly deeper red but she smiled and nodded. "Glad you asked. I've been looking for a battle for sometime." She offered her hand, which was half covered by the long-sleeved shirt she was wearing, to him, "I'm Aiya Sinel, pleasure."

The boy took the offered hand and shook it politely. "The pleasure's all mine, Aiya. I'm Jacob Hash. Now, how 'bout that battle?"

"I'm ready when you are." Aiya removed one of the six Pokeballs from her belt and stepped back, holding it ready.

"Good, be ready, I'm a very experienced trainer." Jacob unclipped a similar red and white ball from his belt and took a step backward as well. "Here we go, I choose Starmie!" A flash of white light burst from the ball as Jacob tossed it easily into the air. The light twisted for a moment then took the shape of a star shaped Pokemon and became solid, color and designs revealing the Pokemon's appearance.

"Interesting, but Starmie is no match for my Ampharos!" There was another flash of white light and the large, skinny electric Pokemon took form as its trainer caught the Pokeball that returned after releasing its charge.

"Type advantage won't win you this battle. Oh yeah, if you don't mind, this'll be a simple one on one battle. Sound good?"

"That's fine with me. If you don't mind, I'll start this. Ampharos, Thunderpunch!" Electricity sparked from the red orbs on Ampharos's tail and head. In response to its trainer's call, it leapt forward, pulling its fist back as electricity gathered around it.

"Rapid Spin, deflect the attack!" Starmie leapt into the air and began spinning. Ampharos was thrown backwards, the Thunderpunch attack failing to cause damage.

"Thunder Wave!" Ampharos regained its balance quickly and sent a wave of electricity at Starmie who attempted to deflect it with Rapid Spin. The move failed and Starmie was sent to the ground, weakened.

"Not bad, but it'll take a lot more than that to beat Starmie. Recover!" The water type was surrounded in white light.

"Thunder!" The blast came so fast that Jacob was stunned, but nowhere near as stunned as his Starmie. "Thunderpunch!" The second try worked perfectly. Starmie was sent flying into a nearby tree while electricity coursed through its body, cracking the red crystal in its center.

"What the…Starmie, you okay?" The injured Pokemon flashed the red crystal in its center once or twice before fainting. "Return." Jacob held up his Pokeball and watched as Starmie vanished in a flash of red light. "Whoa, just whoa. You're an amazing trainer!"

"Thank you. I've had a lot of practice." Aiya grinned and rubbed the back of her head as she blushed. Ampharos made a similar gesture before being returned to its Pokeball. "Do you want me to escort you to the Pokemon Center? You're Starmie can't battle at the moment…"

"Don't worry. I have five other Pokemon to take care of me. Charizard, Pidgeotto, Dewgong, Seaking, and Vaporeon."

"Oh, I have a Charizard too! So, it sounds like you like water types, am I correct?"

"Right on the money, Aiya. Still, even with my team I might not be able to make it through the forest unharmed. Starmie wasn't my strongest, but it was my first and bravest. I think I'll take you up on your offer."

Aiya gave a smile that hinted at slyness, but said nothing to convey the fact that she knew he needed no help getting to the Pokemon Center. "All right. I'd like the company anyway. Perhaps when Starmie's healed it can battle against my Charizard. Or maybe we can battle Charizard against Charizard."

"Sounds good," said Jacob airily, beginning to walk down the path. "So, where are you from? If I had to take a guess I'd say Johto."

"You're guess is right. I am from Johto. Ecruteak City, to be precise."

"That certainly explains your accent and appearance. So what brings you to Kanto?"

"I hope to challenge the gym leaders of this region and enter the Indigo League."

"A fine goal. If you need any tips I'd be glad to help you. I've entered the Indigo League once already."

"Really? How did you do?"

"Not bad, but not great. I made it past my first battle easily but the second one didn't go so well. I came close though."

"Do you plan to enter it again?"

"Sure do. I'm gonna win it this time!"

"You have to get past me to do that. I already have three badges and I'm confident I'll win my fourth in the next city."

"You're going after the Earth Badge, then. The city after this forest is Viridian. Did you know that already?"

"I'll admit I didn't."

Jacob chuckled, turning cheery eyes on Aiya. "The leader there is powerful but with a good strategy he can be beaten. A good team helps too."

"What's his name? If I can do some research on him before I battle then I'll have a better chance of winning."

"Giovanni, I think. Odd guy. He likes to stay in the shadows when he battles and he doesn't stand in the arena either. Prefers to look down from a balcony. Arrogant prick, I bet he just doesn't wanna risk getting hurt!" He laughed at this.

Aiya smiled but didn't laugh. She was too busy thinking. "Stays in the shadows and battles from a balcony? What kind of trainer does that?"

"The cowardly kind."

"Perhaps. Or maybe it's got something to do with his strategy. Interesting."

"Don't think too hard on it. It's an advantage, as I see it. Slower reaction time. Anyway, here we are."

The two stopped, Jacob smiling over at his new companion who was observing the city happily. Tall buildings and many smaller ones spread for at least a mile. The Pokemon Center wasn't visible from where they stood but hardly anything else was. They were on the very outskirts where a few small buildings and police station stood.

"Come on," said Jacob, brushing Aiya's arm to get her attention. "I'll lead you to the Pokemon Center. It's near the center of the city."

Aiya followed his lead without question, her eyes bright with happiness. "This place is so cool!"

~~~~

Nurse Joy greeted both trainers with a bright smile and polite greeting when they entered and was perfectly willing to heal their Pokemon when asked. "They'll be fully healed in no time. Do you plan to stay the night?"

"Yes, please," said Aiya promptly. "I need a good nights rest like my Pokemon if I plan to beat the gym tomorrow."

"All right, here's a key. Enjoy your stay and be sure to explore the city some."

"I will! Thanks."

Jacob continued to grin, accepting another key from Nurse Joy and disappearing into the hall that held the many rooms for passing trainers. Aiya followed him and emerged a short while later without the backpack she had been carrying. She paused to examine a map of the city pinned to the Center wall then skipped out of the Pokemon Center.

I've seen this story somewhere? Anyways it's good!

 

[Natsuki]

A soft tune filled the peaceful forest air with a sense of deepest calm. The girl emitting it was walking cheerfully on the beaten path that was the quickest and easiest way to the other side of the wood. Her light blue hair danced merrily behind her as her ponytail swung back and forth. Though the day was sunny and cloudless, the air was chilly and the girl's long-sleeved red shirt under her white t-shirt was proof of this. Her fair cheeks were flushed slightly from the cold, but her breath did not show in the air which meant it was not too cold for a pleasant hike through the woods.

Of course, to anyone with eyes it would be obvious that this girl was probably not simply out for a stroll. Her jeans fit snuggly so the belt around her waist was unnecessary and the six small, red and white balls clipped neatly to it were the best sign that she was a trainer. This wasn't anything unusual, but it was still useful information for any other trainers looking for a battle.

As it happened, this girl was one of those trainers. She had been traveling through the wood for a day already and thus far had not met any other trainers. She had thought sticking to the path would be the best way to find some, but it seemed that luck just wasn't with her. Plenty of Pokemon, the forest was filled with them, but no trainers. (The forest was filled with plenty of Pokemon, but no trainers.) None that weren't newbies, anyway. Being fifteen she had no desire to test her skills against a ten year old with a baby Pokemon. It wouldn't be fair to the kid or their Pokemon and would be a waste of skill on her part. She had long since passed the point where she needed to battle babies to win.

"Hey there, wait up," a deep male voice brought the girl from her thoughts. She turned her bright crimson eyes on him. She smiled and paused. The boy, whose hair and eyes were both a rich brown, was wearing a trainer's belt.

"Hello," her voice was light and slightly accented, which, apart from the slightly slanted shape of her eyes, was the only sign that she was not native to the region she was in.

The boy grinned as he approached. "Odd for a pretty girl like you to be wandering on your own. You up for a battle?"

Her cheeks became a slightly deeper red but she smiled and nodded. "Glad you asked. I've been looking for a battle for sometime (some time)." She offered her hand, which was half covered by the long-sleeved shirt she was wearing, to him, "I'm Aiya Sinel, pleasure. (; it's a pleasure)"

The boy took the offered hand and shook it politely. "The pleasure's all mine, Aiya. I'm Jacob Hash. Now, how 'bout that battle?"

"I'm ready when you are." Aiya removed one of the six Pokeballs from her belt and stepped back, holding it ready.

"Good, be ready, I'm a very experienced trainer." Jacob unclipped a similar red and white ball from his belt and took a step backward as well. "Here we go, I choose Starmie!" A flash of white light burst from the ball as Jacob tossed it easily into the air. The light twisted for a moment then took the shape of a star shaped Pokemon and became solid, color and designs revealing the Pokemon's appearance.

** Maybe describe Starmie's appearance a bit more. While I'm sure any avid Pokemon-lover reading this fic already knows what one looks like, deep descriptions always make the story more fun to read.

"Interesting, but Starmie is no match for my Ampharos!" There was another flash of white light and the large, skinny electric Pokemon took form as its trainer caught the Pokeball that returned after releasing its charge.

** Again, describing the Pokemon's appearance adds to your fic and makes it a more interesting read.

"Type advantage won't win you this battle. Oh yeah, if you don't mind, this'll be a simple one on one battle. Sound good?"

"That's fine with me. If you don't mind, I'll start this. Ampharos, Thunderpunch!" Electricity sparked from the red orbs on Ampharos's tail and head. In response to its trainer's call, it leapt forward, pulling its fist back as electricity gathered around it.

"Rapid Spin, (;) deflect the attack!" Starmie leapt into the air and began spinning. Ampharos was thrown backwards, the Thunderpunch attack failing to cause damage.

"Thunder Wave!" Ampharos regained its balance quickly and sent a wave of electricity at Starmie who attempted to deflect it with Rapid Spin. The move failed and Starmie was sent to the ground, weakened.

"Not bad, but it'll take a lot more than that to beat Starmie. Recover!" The water type was surrounded in white light as its energy returned.

"Thunder!" The blast came so fast that Jacob was stunned, but nowhere near as stunned as his Starmie. "Thunderpunch!" The second try worked perfectly. Starmie was sent flying into a nearby tree while electricity coursed through its body, cracking the red crystal in its center.

"What the…Starmie, you okay?" The injured Pokemon flashed the red crystal in its center once or twice before fainting. "Return." Jacob held up his Pokeball and watched as Starmie vanished in a flash of red light. "Whoa, just whoa. You're an amazing trainer!"

"Thank you. I've had a lot of practice." Aiya grinned and rubbed the back of her head as she blushed. Ampharos made a similar gesture before being returned to its Pokeball. "Do you want me to escort you to the Pokemon Center? You're Starmie can't battle at the moment…"

"Don't worry. I have five other Pokemon to take care of me. Charizard, Pidgeotto, Dewgong, Seaking, and Vaporeon."

"Oh, I have a Charizard too! So, it sounds like you like water types, am I correct?"

"Right on the money, Aiya. Still, even with my team I might not be able to make it through the forest unharmed. Starmie wasn't my strongest, but it was my first and bravest. I think I'll take you up on your offer."

Aiya gave a smile that hinted at slyness, but said nothing to convey the fact that she knew he needed no help getting to the Pokemon Center. "All right. I'd like the company anyway. Perhaps when Starmie's healed it can battle against my Charizard. Or maybe we can battle Charizard against Charizard."

"Sounds good," said Jacob airily, beginning to walk down the path. "So, where are you from? If I had to take a guess I'd say Johto."

"You're guess is right. I am from Johto. Ecruteak City, to be precise."

"That certainly explains your accent and appearance. So what brings you to Kanto?"

"I hope to challenge the gym leaders of this region and enter the Indigo League."

"A fine goal. If you need any tips I'd be glad to help you. I've entered the Indigo League once already."

"Really? How did you do?"

"Not bad, but not great. I made it past my first battle easily but the second one didn't go so well. I came close though."

"Do you plan to enter it again?"

"Sure do. I'm gonna win it this time!"

"You have to get past me to do that. I already have three badges and I'm confident I'll win my fourth in the next city."

"You're going after the Earth Badge, then. The city after this forest is Viridian. Did you know that already?"

"I'll admit I didn't."

** During this entire portion of the conversation, you didn't state who was saying what. You don't need to write, "Aiya said." or "said Jacob" after each statement, but it helps to avoid confusion in who's saying what.

Jacob chuckled, turning cheery eyes on Aiya. "The leader there is powerful but with a good strategy he can be beaten. A good team helps too."

"What's his name? If I can do some research on him before I battle then I'll have a better chance of winning."

"Giovanni, I think. Odd guy. He likes to stay in the shadows when he battles and he doesn't stand in the arena either. Prefers to look down from a balcony. Arrogant prick, I bet he just doesn't wanna risk getting hurt!" He laughed at this.

Aiya smiled but didn't laugh. She was too busy thinking. "Stays in the shadows and battles from a balcony? What kind of trainer does that?"

"The cowardly kind."

"Perhaps. Or maybe it's got something to do with his strategy. Interesting."

"Don't think too hard on it. It's an advantage, as I see it. Slower reaction time. Anyway, here we are."

The two stopped, Jacob smiling over at his new companion who was observing the city happily. Tall buildings and many smaller ones spread for at least a mile. The Pokemon Center wasn't visible from where they stood but hardly anything else was. They were on the very outskirts where a few small buildings and police station stood.

"Come on," said Jacob, brushing Aiya's arm to get her attention. "I'll lead you to the Pokemon Center. It's near the center of the city."

Aiya followed his lead without question, her eyes bright with happiness. "This place is so cool!"

~~~~

Nurse Joy greeted both trainers with a bright smile and polite greeting when they entered and was perfectly willing to heal their Pokemon when asked. "They'll be fully healed in no time. Do you plan to stay the night?"

"Yes, please," said Aiya promptly. "I need a good nights rest like my Pokemon if I plan to beat the gym tomorrow."

"All right, here's a key. Enjoy your stay and be sure to explore the city some."

"I will! Thanks."

Jacob continued to grin, accepting another key from Nurse Joy and disappearing into the hall that held the many rooms for passing trainers. Aiya followed him and emerged a short while later without the backpack she had been carrying. She paused to examine a map of the city pinned to the Center wall then skipped out of the Pokemon Center.

Overall I'm very interested in this fic. ^^ I like your descriptions of Aiya at the beginning. I'd love it if you gave more descriptions on Jacob's appearance as well. In the quote I striked a few things out as well as put in some of my own suggestions, which are noted in red. You don't have to use any of the suggestions I gave you, but hopefully they are of some help.

Nice job, I can't wait for chapter one. X3

~Kelsey

 

[Alana]

Thanks for the advice, Natsuki. I'm always glad to get some help because I know there are a lot of areas where I need to improve. I'll fix the grammatical mistakes you pointed out and attempt to add a bit more description as well. ^_^


Chapter 1: Closed?!

Aiya was up at sunrise the next day and already finished with her breakfast when Jacob emerged from his room. "Morning, pillow head!" She called cheerfully as she passed him in the dining area.

"You're way too cheery way too early," he grumbled, sulking over to a table and picking up a menu.

"Oh well," she grinned at him and skipped off to meet Nurse Joy and get her Pokemon.

"They're fighting fit. Good luck with your gym battle today. I think you'll do great."

"Thanks a lot, Nurse Joy!"

"Hey, w-wait up. I'll come with you." Jacob emerged from the dining area, yawning.

"Don't be silly. You're not even fully awake yet! And there's no way you ate that fast."

"I'm not hungry."

"Suuure, or is it that you just want to tag along with me to wish me luck. Hoping for a good luck kiss, maybe?"

"Don't be stupid," said Jacob, turning a deep red and turning his nose up at her.

Aiya giggled. "Go eat. I was planning to talk to Professor Elm before I set off anyway."

Nurse Joy placed a hand over her mouth to suppress a laugh as Jacob slipped back into the dining area to eat. She winked at Aiya who grinned back at her and walked over to the video phones lining the wall.

"Hello?" Professor Elm's voice sounded tired but fully awake, meaning he hadn't just woken up.

"Professor, did you sleep at all last night?"

The screen flashed and Professor Elm appeared, grinning rather sheepishly. He had deep purple bags under his eyes. "Hello, Aiya. Nice to hear from you again."

"Don't change the subject," said Aiya in a mock cross voice. "What are you working on that prevents you from sleeping?"

"I recently discovered that Cyndaquil has the ability to turn the flames on its back into smoke! I've been up all night writing up my findings. I don't think it's all Cyndaquil, though. Just some. I've tested it quite extensively and it seems to only occur in younger Pokemon. I feel the reason for this is simply a loss of control or inexperience, but I may be wrong. I don't have access to many young Cyndaquil at the moment so I can't see if it's all of them or just the ones here. But the evidence I have compiled so far leads me to believe…"

"Umm, Professor, that's very interesting and all, but, I wanted to ask you something. Professor? Professor? Huboy." Aiya allowed her head to drop as she shook it, smiling in spite of herself. It was always hard to talk to Professor Elm when he was like this.

"He sure can talk." Jacob cocked his head to one side as he watched Professor Elm ramble on and on about his new findings.

"You have no idea."

The appearance of a new face finally made Professor Elm pause. "A friend of yours, Aiya?"

"Yeah," she replied quickly, glad for the distraction. "This is Jacob Hash."

"Good morning, Professor."

"Ah, new boyfriend of yours?"

"No," Aiya's annoyed expression and dry tone made Professor Elm grin.

"Not yet, you mean. Well, I'll let you get on with your business. I still have a lot of work to do. Later."

"Oh, wait, Professor, I…" but he had hung up. "Oh well, I guess I shouldn't have expected anything less when I saw him so tired." She sighed and turned off the video phone then stood up and stretched. "At least I learned something mildly interesting about Cyndaquil. Come on, you wanted to escort me to the gym, did you not?"

"You're quite capable of finding it on your own, are you not?"

"Of course, but you seemed so eager to help I thought I'd let you."

Jacob hid his grin and shrugged. "Well, since you're so eager for my company, I suppose I could walk with you."

The Viridian gym was a proud display of architecture at its best. A grand stone building with pillars and carvings of rare and powerful Pokemon gave the place an almost royal feeling. Gigantic wooden doors guarded by two equally large men holding spears gave the impression of much power and wealth. This was obviously not a place to take lightly.

"Um, hi," said Aiya nervously, staring up at one of the guards. "I'm here for a gym battle."

"Entry not granted," the huge man grunted.

"Why not?"

"The gym leader has stepped out for the day. The gym is closed. Come back tomorrow."

"Closed?! That's not fair! How can a leader desert his post?"

The guard gave her a hard look then grunted again. "He's got just as much right as you to wander around. Now, get lost."

"Hmph." Aiya turned, her ponytail whipping around behind her as she marched away.

"Don't worry about it. This just gives you more time to research the gym leader, right?"

"I suppose so. It's still not fair."

"He probably knew you were coming and ran off in fear."

This brought a laugh from both of them and they decided to explore Viridian's many shops for a while. Jacob soon regretted this as Aiya proved to be a great lover of shopping and dashed from store window to store window, praising the merchandise within and squealing with delight whenever she came across a particularly fascinating item or article of clothing.

After a few hours he was thoroughly exhausted and thinking longingly of the Pokemon Center, not sparing this piece of information from Aiya.

"But there are still so many places to go!"

"I thought you wanted to research Giovanni. Shouldn't you get started? You don't know how long it will take."

"I guess you're right," she complained, looking longing at the row of shops still unexplored. "We can come back later."

"I look forward to it."

"Liar."

"You must be psychic."

~~~~

"This is no help! It just has a picture of the gym leader and the badge. It doesn't say what Pokemon he has or what his battle strategy is like. A nice short biography, though. I guess those guards aren't there to look pretty. They must stop reporters or researchers from watching the battles."

"No surprise. They don't even let more than one trainer in the gym at a time."

"Are you serious?"

"Completely."

"That sucks." Aiya ran a finger absently over her face as she read the short biography on Giovanni. It was hardly informative. Age, status, much praise, nothing useful. "Shame. This is the best page I could find. Maybe Nurse Joy would know something. She treats the Pokemon that battle in the gym."

"I'm afraid I can't help you very much." Nurse Joy shook her head as she approached the two trainers. "All I know is the ones that lose are hurt in varying degrees of severity. It depends on how strong they are and how well trained. From what I hear from trainers, Giovanni doesn't use just one type of Pokemon like most of the gyms. And he has a great variety so there's no way to know what he'll use."

"Actually that helps me quite a lot. It'll put me on my guard."

Joy smiled in a tired way and shrugged her shoulders. "Well, I'm glad I could be of some help. If you don't mind though, I plan to lock the doors soon and it's late. You need a good nights rest if you plan to win."

"It won't matter if he's not there again," Aiya muttered irritably, but she turned off the computer she had been using and stood up. Stretching and jumping from one foot to the other to get her blood flowing again, she headed towards her room. "If he's not there tomorrow I'll challenge one of his cavemen instead."

Jacob chuckled at this last utterance and followed her.

 

[Deathspector]

Nice to see another of your works. I missed your old work about Pokémon in the real world on PE2K. Well, if that was you, I missed it. If it wasn't, then you are allowed to think I'm crazy. Either way you win. Before I begin my review, let me tell you that I'm not going to review by quoting the parts that I feel need to change, and give you a proper example (not that these are bad; they just don't work for me), and instead, give you grades (I'm already a teacher at fourteen) on several different areas of writing that I find very important. At the very end, I shall give you my personal opinion.

Description – 7.5/10

Okay, it may seem harsh, but description, despite what some people believe, is one of the tougher aspects of writing to master. Many people believe that to get a good description, you use words that require the reader to own a rather extensive thesaurus, and make your sentences as long winded as possible with so much about one tree that the reader may die before he or she is done. Others, read things like I've said above, and write absolutely no description whatsoever. Neither if these is the key to good writing. Thankfully, you are in neither of these extremes, but, like all of us, need a bit of work. Where you do describe, you've done well, but you leave rather large holes. For example, your description of Aiya was rather bland. While it did give us an image of what Aiya looks like, it was a bit boring to read (no offence meant; I searched for a better word, but none of them fit the bill). As I am sure millions of people have told you, try to mingle your description with your action.

While others have merely told you this, I shall endeavour to explain how to do so. You can have a paragragh about how Aiya looks, but instead of saying something like this (these are all imaginary quotes mind you, you have not written them):

Her complexion was tanned, because she was a trainer.

...something like this fits better, as well as giving us an insight into her personality:

She picked a flower off the side of the path, twirling the stem in her tanned hand. her days as a trainer had cuased her to spend hours out in searing sunlight, and he hand had been nicely tanned; boys back in Ecruteak had believed that Aiya went to a Tanning Parlour regularly. Stupid gits.

It may not be perfect, but is an improvement. By saying this, I do not mean to say that you write as dully as I have written in the original quote, but merely exaggerated, in order to show you the difference. Your descriptions of your Pokémon may be done in the same way. I found the description of the battle rather nice in contrast to the normal belief, but with the introduction of more description will be perfect. Possibly better than many good authors that I've seen running around PC.

Character Building – 9.25/10

In this, you're way up there, and have portrayed your characters with much more life and personality than I could have done so. I can easily write at least a page about Aiya and Jacob, and most probably more. It's easy to see that while evidently being tom-boyish (you can't be a girly trainer for God's Sake. Even those "Lasses" in the games can't be as bad as portrayed) Aiya still has her little girlish perks; she likes shopping, she's impatient and a morning person. Okay, I am sorry if I am being sexist or rude, but I didn't mean to. On the other hand, Jacob is easily your laid back type, who enjoy a battle here of there, but don't mind if they lose. He is, like me (XP), definitey not a morning person, and hates shopping. WOAH. You could be telling my life story right there. There's not much advice I can give you here, but say I hope that Jacob and Aiya get together, but very slowly...very very slowly. Those stories where a boy meets a girl and makes out in the first chapter scare me.

Time and Setting – 7.5/10

I'm starting to sound like my English Teacher. Which is not a bad thing as I want to be an English teacher when I grow up, but I'm rambling again. Here, again like with your description needs a but of work, and I'm willing to give you a little push. Time and Setting are both very important aspects of writing a story, as they give you a background which to visualise while you imagine the protagonist wandering around your little world. Without the correct insert of time and setting, you can have major problems with readers later on. Like with description, it is vital that you allow the rest of the story to mingle with your time and setting descriptions. Again, a rather flippant quote to show you:

Viridian Forest was a very thick forest with lots of trees. Aiya walked down the path, and it was sunny.

Compare that with this:

A sprawling mass of trees lay ahead of hear, and Aiya felt male rhinos rampage around in her abdomin. Make that female rhinos; it was really hurting. Aiya took a deep breath, as one would before plunging into icy cold water, and headed down the winding path into the thick of trees. Despite their closeness, the trees allowed some light to pass through their branches. Aiya watched a ray of sunlight squeeze through the canopy of the forest, andhit the ground. Smiling at the fact that there was still sunlight in this desolate and forboding forest, she strode on.

Notice the difference? If yes, you might want to try writing like this. If not, I recommend Lawrence and Mayo spectacle company. Essilor is good too.

Personal Opinion and Advice – 8.5/10

It's a good start. A much better start to an Original Trainer fic than many that I've seen. I hope you go very far with this, and every time you update, I shall post smaller versions of the above to tell you how each chapter fared against my grading system. (Let me warn you that I've never given a 10/10 marking yet. Try to be the first ;).) My only advice is to try and add more description to both you characters at your setting, as these help the reader a lot, and are vital skills in story writing. I learnt to write from a review like this given by Neo Pikachu on PE2K, and I thank him for teaching me to a) write better and b) gives reviews like this. I'm looking forward to the next installment of My Cause, which I must say is a very ominous title. I like ominous titles.

DS

 

[Alana]

Wow, long review. :D Anyway, thanks for tips. Description has been and is still my main weak point in writing and I have trouble finding a good method that works easily into my writing style. I'll work at making it better though. I've read over chapter two and it seems to have better description than chapter one but I've added a few things here and there (mainly to clarify who's talking in the hallway scene) as well as fixed some typos I missed.



Chapter 2: Theft

Aiya was woken very early the next morning by a shout from the room across from hers. She leapt out of her bed and pulled open the door, still in a loose tank-top and pajama pants. "What's going on?"

"Charizard, Dewgong, they're gone!" Jacob's wild eyes flashed to her, his expression desperate.

Aiya overlooked the fact that he was in nothing more that boxer shorts and gaped at him. "What do you mean gone?"

"Gone! Disappeared! Vanished! Stolen!"

By this time most of the trainers in the Center were awake and emerging from their rooms. Several darted back into their rooms to check their own Pokemon. Aiya followed their lead. She snatched her trainer's belt and noticed immediately that one of her Pokeballs was missing. "Ampharos!" She shouted, dropping to her knees and looking around the floor.

"What's going on?" Nurse Joy's voice sounded anxious as she hurried into the hall in a light pink dressing gown.

"My Pokemon were stolen!" Jacob sounded quite hysterical by this time. "Charizard and Dewgong!"

"My Ampharos is gone too!"

"Mine are all here," shouted a young trainer, emerging from his room and looking relieved.

"Mine too," said a girl with bright red hair, apparently unaware that she was in nothing but under clothes.

"Mine are in recovery. I don't know if…"

"Chansey's been guarding recovery," said Nurse Joy quickly to the black haired boy who was dressed similarly to Jacob, "she would have come to me if there were any Pokemon missing."

"None of mine are missing," came a muffled voice from inside the room beside Jacob's.

"They must have only gotten theirs. Mine are still where I left them," a second girl, this one with blond hair and more appropriately dressed, looked concernedly over at Jacob as the older boy leaned against the wall for support.

"I can't find my Raichu's Pokeball! Oh, it's here."

"No one would bother stealing mine, I only have a Bulbasaur and a Rattata..."

"Everyone, please!" The hall quieted at Nurse Joy's cry. "Now, let's get our head's on straight. Who, apart from Aiya and Jacob, are missing Pokemon?" There was no reply. "Okay, that's a relief. Now, did anyone see anything strange last night. Or hear anything? Anything at all?" Again, there was silence. "All right, we need to call Officer Jenny."

~~~~

Aiya and Jacob–now wearing his usual khakis–were questioned for about half an hour about their Pokemon. Jacob was fighting hard to stay calm while Aiya seemed to be in a state of shock and was answering in a very bland voice. Eventually Jacob cracked and starting shouting at Officer Jenny who didn't protest.

"This isn't helping," was all she said, and it was enough.

"What can we do?"

"Nothing at the moment, Aiya. We'll do everything we can to catch the criminals. All the other trainers are being searched as we speak and the cameras are being checked. If anyone entered by the doors or windows we'll know soon enough."

"What about the cameras in our rooms?"

"There are none."

"There should be! What if they came through our windows?!"

Aiya placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. He looked at her, his brown eyes blazing, then faltered. Aiya's eyes were shining but she was fighting hard against the tears. "Please stop shouting, Jacob. It's not doing us any good. We have to trust the police know what they're doing. They'll sort this out."

"Thank you, Aiya. I promise you we'll do everything we can." Officer Jenny stood up and saluted them both then walked off, leaving them alone to talk.

"We can't just sit back and wait for them to give us news!" Jacob hissed angrily.

"I know. And we won't."

He stared at her. "You mean…"

"Yeah. Let's get dressed. We have a lot of work to do."

Neither Officer Jenny or Nurse Joy said anything about Jacob and Aiya leaving the Center, fully dressed and carrying all of their belongings with them. They simply pretended not to notice but discussed their feelings and doubts afterwards. Neither trainer was fooled.

"They think we don't have a hope of finding them," Jacob pointed out, glaring back at the Pokemon Center.

"I have to admit I don't think our chances are very good, but we have to try. Like you said, we can't just sit around waiting."

Deciding where to start was difficult. The sun was only a glimmer of light on the horizon and shed a dim glow over the city. It wasn't much, but at least they didn't have to search in the dark. Their first plan was to retrace their steps from the day before to see if they could find a clue as to who the thief was. Though he said nothing, Aiya knew that Jacob was angry with her. If she hadn't gone to so many places they wouldn't have had such a hard time.

"If I had known," she began, giving him a pleading look.

"I know," was his reply.

They were only half finished when they stopped for a break. For some reason, retracing their steps was far more tiring than simply darting around all over the place. Lack of sleep and worry didn't help. The sun was high in the sky now and people were walking up and down the sidewalks, heading for work or doing some shopping. A line of kids laughed as they scampered across the street, obviously heading to school.

They set off again. The cold of the morning was only noticeable by their breath rising in steam around their heads. Neither seemed bothered by it. They discussed using their other Pokemon to help them search but they didn't want to risk losing them. Instead they stopped a few people here and there to ask them if they had noticed anything odd recently. No one had.

~~~~

By noon they were ready to give up. They had completely retraced their steps from the day before and more and still had no leads. It seemed that whoever the thief was, they were very good at covering their tracks.

"We might as well go back to the Pokemon Center. Maybe they've found something."

"Ok."

Dejected, they walked slowly towards the middle of the city where the Pokemon Center was located.

"Hey, kids, over here." They turned. A man wearing an officer's uniform beckoned to them from an alley.

"What is it?" asked Aiya quietly.

"There's some odd tracks over here. I think it may be a lead."

Both trainers perked up at once and hurried over to him. "Where are they?" Jacob demanded excitedly.

"Back there. Near the back wall. And if you look closely you'll see marks. They're fresh. A Pokemon I think."

Jacob and Aiya hurried over to examine the marks on the wall. There were faint scratches, as if something had climbed up it and slipped then climbed back up. There were also light prints in the dirt. "These are from Pokemon all right. The only question is, which one?" Aiya placed a hand on the wall and frowned at it. Jacob knelt down to stare at the tracks. "Perhaps it was…" she was cut off as a force struck her hard in the back of the head. She let out a little surprised gasp and fell to the ground.

"What the?!" Jacob jumped to his feet and tried to turn but a moment later was struck and fell.

"Foolish kid, fell right into the trap."

 

[Deathspector]

Hmm. Their Pokémon stolen? Looks like a Team Rocket attack. With Giovanni not in the gym, the goons outside probablythought that Aiya and jacob were planning on giving Giovanni up to the police, and stole their Pokémon. Just a theory, but I'm not sure. I could be completely wrong. Your description has improved slightly. It's still a bit bland, but better than before. The only thing is that Officer Jenny isn't described, but I suppose you were focussing on Jacob and Aiya's feelings. And that's a good thing. Focuss on your strong points first, and then on your weak ones. If your work is more character driven, then make your character building more intense.

I like how Jacob and Aiya both react differently to their Pokémon being stolen. I swear, Jacob reminds me a lot like myself. I shout at teachers when getting in trouble for things other people do. Anyway, keep up the awesome work, and I'll keep reading. You've got yourself an avid reader. Albeit an avid reader who complains about your description XP.

DS

 

[Alter Ego]

Well, I see that you've got a lot of help here already, but more can't hurt, right? Hope not. xD

First off, a few nitpicks. The first chapter here is too long to be a prologue and stylistically it's a chapter, so just call it what it is. Also, in this part...

Aiya placed a hand on the wall and frowned at it. Jacob knelt down to stare at the tracks. "Perhaps it was…" she was cut off as a force struck her hard in the back of the head. She let out a little surprised gasp and fell to the ground.

You need to refer to Aiya again after the "Perhaps it was..." otherwise the 'she' would be refering to the last person mentioned (Jacob) and last I checked Jacob was a 'he'. ^^ There might be some minor grammar mistakes or typoes as I didn't look that close, but this is the only thing that really stood out.

Moving on, I have a small note about this chapter ending:

Jacob continued to grin, accepting another key from Nurse Joy and disappearing into the hall that held the many rooms for passing trainers. Aiya followed him and emerged a short while later without the backpack she had been carrying. She paused to examine a map of the city pinned to the Center wall then skipped out of the Pokemon Center.

This is how you can end an RP post, but it's kind of a flat fall for a fanfic chapter. A good chapter should end in a way that leaves the reader with either something to look forward to (E.g. A cliffhanger or unsolved mystery) or a sense of something having been accomplished (E.g. The end of a day or the solving of a problem) but this one has neither and kind of just left me cold as it doesn't seem like a natural place to end the telling or take a pause (As the switch from one chapter to another does). You might want to rethink this one a bit or move a bit of the next one here. Cliché though it is, a short little description of going to sleep would have been far more natural here considering that the next one begins on the following morning.

The big minus from my side here will have to be for your approach in the battle in the first chapter. So let me just adress that:

First of all, I fail to see how Rapid Spin could be used to block electricity, particularly a contact move like Thunderpunch which should conduct the electricity right into a water type pokémon. Could you maybe elaborate on how this strategy works and why it didn't block another electrical discharge (Namely, Thunder Wave)? And no, 'they did it in the anime' doesn't count as a reason for me, because they do a lot of very silly things in the anime (*Cough* Aim for the horn! *Cough*). .___.

Also, I don't really get how it takes great skill to beat a frail special sweeping water type like Starmie with a bulky electric type like Ampharos. Overall, this battle was odd, particularly since the Starmie spent a full two turns' worth of time just sitting there and taking attacks after Recover. I also found it weird that Jacob spent the whole battle on the defensive even though it's obvious that his only chance to win would have been a quick counter-attack after blocking out the first Thunderpunch. I'd have kind of prefered it if he had put up a bit more of a fight, as the current picture I get of Jacob is that he's a rash amateur as a trainer and I quite frankly can't comprehend how he ever made it to the league with the lack of judgement which he exhibited in this short battle (Well, more like one-sided beatdown, really :\). Also, battles are supposed to provide action for the fic, but the constant inerruptions of dialogue are halting the action again and again. To illustrate, blue and actual battle description in red:

"That's fine with me. If you don't mind, I'll start this. Ampharos, Thunderpunch!" Electricity sparked from the red orbs on Ampharos's tail and head. In response to its trainer's call, it leapt forward, pulling its fist back as electricity gathered around it.

"Rapid Spin; deflect the attack!" Starmie leapt into the air and began spinning. Ampharos was thrown backwards, the Thunderpunch attack failing to cause damage.

"Thunder Wave!" Ampharos regained its balance quickly and sent a wave of electricity at Starmie who attempted to deflect it with Rapid Spin. The move failed and Starmie was sent to the ground, weakened.

"Not bad, but it'll take a lot more than that to beat Starmie. Recover!" The water type was surrounded in white light as its energy returned.

"Thunder!" The blast came so fast that Jacob wa stunned, but nowhere near as stunned as his Starmie. "Thunderpunch!" The second try worked perfectly. Starmie was sent flying into a nearby tree while electricity coursed through its body, cracking the red crystal in its center.

See what I mean? It's always a line from the trainer, and a few lines of the pokémon obeying orders, then a response from the trainer and a response action description and so on. This gives the blow-by-blow turn-based feel of the actual pokémon games, which is kind of a letdown in a fanfic. The trainers really don't need to get a word in every time. This is supposed to be the time for their pokémon to shine get these two keep hogging the spotlight. <.<

Also, this pattern is so clearly regular that it quickly becomes monotonous. Just think of how it will feel when we get to the truly long, serious battles. So basically, more description of the pokémon, the battlefield, and what they're doing and a lot less order shouting from the trainers, please, and try to avoid the turn-based division I mentioned above. It's kind of unavoidable in RPs since you have to wait for the other to respond, but since you're controlling both sides there's no reason to keep it.

Now on the topic of description, that's mostly what I'm missing here. I mean, it starts out with a nice level of environmental description:

A soft tune filled the peaceful forest air with a sense of deepest calm. The girl emitting it was walking cheerfully on the beaten path that was the quickest and easiest way to the other side of the wood. Her light blue hair danced merrily behind her as her ponytail swung back and forth. Though the day was sunny and cloudless, the air was chilly and the girl's long-sleeved red shirt under her white t-shirt was proof of this. Her fair cheeks were flushed slightly from the cold but her breath did not show in the air which meant it was not too cold for a pleasant hike through the woods.

You've acknowledged the surroundings, the sounds, and the weather and that is good, what isn't good is that you aren't keeping up with this standard. Of the lovely Viridian City pokémon center the only description we ever get is here:

Jacob continued to grin, accepting another key from Nurse Joy and disappearing into the hall that held the many rooms for passing trainers.

Let's just say that that's not very descriptive. A bit more might have been in order considering that some rather important things happen in that pokémon center. You have also given no indication of what the mood in the center is like, whether it's crowded or peaceful (Desolate even?) nor have you told what it looks like in there or what the rooms are like. They're just small things, really, but they go a long way in establishing the mood and the setting. Not everyone is so familiar with the anime that they would know the default appearance by heart, so a bit of elaboration would be in order. ^^ By the by, you haven't described nurse Joy or officer Jenny at all. Again, you are going with the assumption that everyone reading this is familiar with (And remembers) the anime.

I'd also like to see a bit more description of thoughts and feelings, as through the course of three chapters, I have yet to really get any kind of fix on how Aiya and Jacob think, which is preventing me from really getting interested in them. From the dialogue I can tell that there's something there, but I really wouldn't mind seeing a bit (No, make that a lot) of what they're going through emotionally (Particularly when they lose their pokemon) in the story. This could be done either through direct description or through the use of metaphors, similes and simple lexical choice (E.g. 'Hissed' gives a whole different impression of the speaker than 'whispered' etc.). That's the kind of thing that makes readers involved with your characters and interested in what happens to them, which will draw them back. ^^

Now, after that lovely series of criticism, allow me to praise you about the dialogue. You've actually got that part very well covered, and there are several good parts (Such as the 'escort me' conversation in chapter 1 and professor Elm's little speech xD) but one part that did strike me as odd was this one:

"Don't worry. I have five other Pokemon to take care of me. Charizard, Pidgeotto, Dewgong, Seaking, and Vaporeon."

Listing all the pokemon on his team kind of seems like redundant info to me. If they aren't affecting the current situation in any way then don't mention them, save the details for when they become relevant to your story. This one just stuck out because it seemed kind of artificial and stiff compared to the rest of the dialogue. Other than that, though, great job. My only other concern with the dialogue is that the sheer amount of it (In comparison to other writing) kind of overshadows everything else. So try to cut down on the direct speech and add more description to balance it out. Not every opinion needs to be said out loud, you know. ^^

Finally, I'd like to express my concern about the pokemon. It has been three chapters now, and they have yet to express any kind of emotion or personality. This is potentially a cause of concern as they have all just been abducted, which would have been a lot more personally involving for the readers if they had first been led to appreciate them as characters. As it is, I just find it hard to symphatize with Aiya's and Jacob's plight. Now I trust that you have thought out personalities for them all, but maybe you should consider bringing them out at least a bit before you have the whole lot abducted, know what I mean? It would probably take a lot of painstaking rewriting to make it happen, but I think it would add a lot of emotional impact to the abduction. If you were planning to have Aiya remembering stuff like that later on (Or something similar) then feel free to smack me for my ignorance. ^^

In terms of plot, it could have developed a bit faster but at least it seems to be off to a start. Still, it being only a start, I can't really comment on that yet, so I'll get back to it in a chapter or two. Your writing skills are pretty good, but they're better suited for a roleplaying environment and could still use a bit of adapting to suit this format. ^^

 

[Alana]

You both made some good points and mainly on description which I am working on. Again, I've read over this chapter and fixed anything I think needs fixing. There are some things I can explain though, such as lack of thought. As you will see later in the story (and in this chapter as well) had I expressed Aiya's and Jacob's thoughts, it would have revealed too much about what's going to happen later in the story and I didn't want to do that. As for the Pokemon's personalities...well, Aiya's Pokemon get a personality description later, but Jacob's don't because there's really no occasion in which they need one.


Chapter 3: Success

Jacob opened his eyes slowly. He was lying on a soft bed but his head throbbed horribly. He groaned and turned over. The memory of Aiya and the alleyway hit him and sat up quickly. His vision spun and he gripped his stomach, leaning forward as he tried to fight off nausea.

"Don't sit up so quickly," Nurse Joy's gentle voice was full of concern and worry, "lie back."

"Aiya, I have to talk to her. Someone set us up!" He looked up and saw Nurse Joy, dressed in her usual pink and white dress, and Officer Jenny exchange a look. Feeling his heart skip a beat, he looked around. He was in the Pokemon Center in the room that was usually used for Pokemon who were badly injured. It was a large room with many beds spread across it and no windows. Apart from a few Pokemon, he and the two women were the only ones there. "Where is she?"

"We don't know. We found you and one of our officers unconscious in an alley. There was no sign of Aiya."

"No…," Jacob felt fear well up within him then he shouted, "she's been kidnapped!"

"We concluded as much," said Officer Jenny in a rather bland voice, "by who we don't know."

"But…but why?! Why would they take her and leave us?!"

Officer Jenny sighed sadly as she replied, "Because she's pretty, she's strong, and she's a girl."

Jacob felt the world falling out from beneath him. He leaned over the side of his bed and retched.

~~~~

Aiya groaned as she opened her eyes and sat up. She lifted a heavy hand to her head and winced. "I'm gonna kill him. Couldn't let me pretend, could he? Had to knock me over the head so that I passed out. When I get my hands on him…"

"Calm down, Aiya. Gregory only did what he had to do. Besides, there might have been cameras around. Wouldn't have looked very good if you got up and walked away. We had to knock "Officer" Terk out as well, though I doubt that's any consolation."

"Damn right it's not. I'm gonna have a head ache for a week!" She turned to glare at the dark haired man grinning at her on her right. He was sitting in a chair against the wall with his legs crossed and his arms folded. He was dressed in black from head to toe. The only exceptions were white gloves and boots with a red stripe on each, a white belt and a large red R on the front of his shirt. "I thought you hated that uniform."

"I do," the man replied calmly, "but I thought it'd be a good idea to let you know who I was, just in case Gregory knocked you senseless."

Aiya swore. "Watch it, Geoff, I'll beat you to a pulp. The only reason I don't take a swing at you now is lack of energy."

"Exactly what I was counting on." He smiled and stood up. His sharp, slightly slanted red eyes gleamed with amusement as he surveyed her. "So, apart from getting knocked silly, how did you do?"

"Like you don't know already," she muttered, turning to lift the bag next to the bed she was on.

"To be honest, I don't. They wanted it to be a surprise."

"Tch." She reached into the backpack and removed two Pokeballs. "Here, a Charizard and Dewgong. Not brilliant but I haven't seen either in action. I assume they're worthy of a little credit."

"Perhaps. We won't know until we see them in battle, though. Come on, gotta go give a report to the boss."

"Why don't you do it? My head's still pounding."

"Nope, wasn't my catch. Besides, walking will do you good. Now, up."

Aiya swore again but heaved herself out of bed. Her head let out a throb of protest but she ignored it. Tugging on her shoes with one hand and gripping the two Pokeballs she had taken from Jacob in the other, she headed for the door. The man called Geoff walked beside her. Though she knew he knew better than to help her, she knew he'd catch her if she staggered or fell. It was a comfort of sorts but it also annoyed her. She hated having to rely on others. And this wasn't even her fault.

As they walked, Geoff started up a list of questions which she answered without enthusiasm. "Full name?"

"Aiya Kantrez Sinel."

"Hometown?"

"Ecruteak City."

"Starter Pokemon."

"Sneasel."

"Nickname?"

"Core."

"Reason for joining?"

"Felt like it."

"Well, you don't seem to have any memory loss," said Geoff in a slightly amused tone. "What's fifty times sixteen?"

Aiya only had to think for a moment before answering in the same bored tone she had been using, "Eight-hundred."

"Thirteen plus seven?"

"Twenty. Try something harder."

"Negative ninety-four minus thirty-six."

"Negative one-hundred and thirty."

"Name five animals that start with the letter b."

"Bird," she replied with a sigh, "bore, bear, bug, boy."

"Yep, you're definitely not brain damaged," Geoff stated cheerfully. "Not any more than usual, anyway."

"Shut it. You're not one to talk. What are we doing here?" She glanced around the dimly lit corridor they were in. It was the sleeping quarters. Black doors stretched the length of the hallway, most with a number printed in red on the front. The one they had stopped by had 174 with a large red N printed underneath. Beside the N was a tiny star.

"You have to look nice and pretty for the boss. Go clean up and put your uniform on."

"If I weren't still tired…"

"I know, you'd beat me to a pulp. Off you go."

Aiya gave him an evil glare then disappeared into her room. She took a very quick shower and dried herself just as quickly. She then pulled a uniform similar to the one Geoff wore except it consisted of a short dress and long white gloves and boots. She transferred her Ampharos's Pokeball from her backpack to her belt and clipped it around her waste. Checking her reflection in the mirror on the wall she grinned. "Not bad for someone who's just had their skull bashed in," she murmured as she exited the room.

Geoff gave her an appraising look then asked, "Head feel better?"

"Slightly."

He didn't seem to expect anything else and set off again, Aiya following. She felt much better than she had before but she'd never tell him that. He knew of course, but she didn't care. This was how it always was and how it would always be.

They reached their destination at last and Geoff stood just inside the door while Aiya approached a large television screen mounted on the wall. The room was rather unremarkable apart from this screen, which was fine as it had only one purpose. "Giovanni, sir, Aiya here to report."

The screen lit up and a man's face appeared. He was wearing an orange suit with a red tie and was stroking a large cream colored cat with a ringed hand. His hair was short, clean cut and dark brown while his eyes were hard, sharp, and black as night. He allowed a faint smile to cross his features as he looked her over. "You look well, Aiya. I had thought you might show signs of the pounding you took from Gregory."

"It'll take a lot more than a blow to the head to get me, sir," Aiya replied calmly.

"That is good. Now, give me your report."

"I was successful in capturing two Pokemon from a trainer, sir," she said promptly, "one Charizard and one Dewgong, both presumably well trained as one of the boys weaker Pokemon had decent strength stats."

"Very good. Next time, however, I would appreciate it if you would not cause a bother in Viridian. It's hard enough running a gym here. Also, I wish to know why you only took two if the boy had more."

"Forgive me, sir, I shall avoid it from now on." She bowed before speaking again. "I took the two I thought most useful. Two others were stone evolution so their stats were likely to be lower than they could have been. The other two were common and not worth the effort of stealing."

"So you chose the two that would be most profitable to Team Rocket? Both in strength and worth?"

"Yes, sir."

"Good. I would expect nothing less from you. Once you have recovered from your last capture I will send you a new mission. I think you will find this one enjoyable."

"Yes, sir. Thank you." She bowed again as the screen flashed and became blank.

~~~~

"Here," Aiya tossed the two Pokeballs she had taken from Jacob at one of the grunts in the lab for processing before heading to the gym to work out. The grunt merely nodded and turned to place the Pokeballs into a tube that would transport their data into a computer then display it on the screen of a computer in front of him. Aiya glanced back to check the readings and was satisfied she had made a good choice in her capture.

She, along with Geoff, were elite members of Team Rocket which meant they didn't have to bother with the tedious work of training and analyzing stolen Pokemon. The rank didn't mean much to either of them as both would have been just as useful as lower class members because of their skill and talent. The only good it did them, in their opinions at least, was it gave them the chance to work more difficult assignments and earn a much nicer salary.

As she approached the locker rooms where she would change into clothes that were more suited for working out in, a rough, male voice called out to her. "'Oy, Aiya, how are ya?"

Aiya turned around and slammed her fist into the man's face. He fell back, rubbing his tanned jaw and looking nervous and apologetic. "You're lucky I didn't hit you harder, Gregory."

"I'm sorry, Aiya. I just did what I was told ta do." Gregory's speech was uneducated and slightly slurred from the injury to his jaw he had just sustained.

"Yes, well next time think about that before whacking me over the head like that!"

""Ey, at least I didn't hit ya as hard as I hit that boy. I gave him a kick in the side after he were out too. Don't be too hard on me."

Several people who were working out were grinning at Gregory's fear. The sight was funny as Gregory was twenty-three and Aiya was only fifteen. None of them would dare say it to her face though. Aiya was not known for patience or tolerance and she was a lot stronger than she looked.

"It doesn't matter if you cracked his skull, it has no effect on me," Aiya hissed angrily, "what does effect me is the lump on the back of my head that caused me to be unconscious for much longer than I would have liked. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some training to do." She marched passed him before he could say another word and vanished into the locker rooms.

The locker room was no different than any other, with rows of numbered lockers standing in rows around the room. Apart from the number, Aiya's locker was no different than anyone else's, but long years of experience meant she could find it with her eyes closed. The same was true of the combination which was completed in less than ten seconds. She changed quickly and left again.

She always did things quickly when she was in the base. Why was a mystery even to her because outside she liked to take her time. It was probably due to the training she had received when she first joined and it would probably be the way she acted for the rest of her Rocket life.


I know this isn't an exciting ending but I've read a lot of books and fics and after a while the constant cliffhangers got on my nerves. It's not a bad way to end a chapter, it certainly makes me want to keep reading, but, like I said, it gets annoying after a while. I think a few chapters without cliffhangers for endings is a good thing. ^^;