[Pokémon] New Game

[Jaegir]

When the G/S remake came out I couldn't help but feel nostalgic and go back to the GB to check out my old friends. They were all there, as if I had never left. My whole team. I thought, "What if they could remember?" "What would they say?"
______________________________________

Wow, you've gotten so big since I saw you last. I'm proud of you.
I'm glad to hear you've conquered other regions. I knew you would make it.

I remember the first time you spoke to me. I remember the first time we won a battle. I remember the first time we had to run to the nearest Pokemon Center. I remember the first time we lost. I remember the look in your eyes when you got your first badge. I remember when we met new friends along our journey. I remember everything.

Do you? its been awhile.
We haven't played together in a long time.
We're all here waiting for you to come back. But I think you and I both know that isn't going to happen. You left us when as soon as we carried you to your goal. Just like that. But I understand. You can't be here forever. You need to move on.
When you're ready to come back, even just to say hello. We'll be there.

 

[RainbowMunchies]

This is cute, though a tad short. It's well written, though I'm a bit sad there's no chance for moving ahead on this plot-wise.

That said, I'm a bit disappointed by the story overall, as it seems more like a summary of something that anything at all. It isn't even really what I'd call a one-shot, since it has no plot or anything of the sort. Maybe a poem? I think it'd work good as a short lil poem or something. :3

 

[Astinus]

Agreeing with RainbowMunchies that it's on the short side. This isn't a bad thing, but it depends on what you put into the story. And this one could do with either stronger emotional language, or more length to it.

There's also the matter of grammar. A few places were spotty.

Do you? its been awhile.

New sentence needs a capital letter: It's

You left us when as soon as we carried you to your goal.

Sentence sounds kind of clunky. It's the "when" between us and as. Remove it, and it sounds better.

When you're ready to come back, even just to say hello. We'll be there.

First sentence is a fragment and should be combined with the second sentence to make a whole sentence.

The next thing is more of a style choice.

I remember the first time you spoke to me. I remember the first time we won a battle. I remember the first time we had to run to the nearest Pokemon Center. I remember the first time we lost. I remember the look in your eyes when you got your first badge. I remember when we met new friends along our journey. I remember everything.

Saying "I remember" at the start of each sentence made this part kind of boring are repetitive. And that's not good for what could be the more powerful part of your story. Rework this a bit so that each sentence isn't the same thing, and maybe include some more to it. Like the Pokemon recalling the feelings it had when the trainer first spoke to it.

This is just personal opinion, but I feel like the style of this is too stiff. You have a Pokemon talking to its trainer, and the style is too perfect, I guess I could say. It doesn't seem like someone seeing their friend for the first time in years. Now, the Pokemon could actually talk like this, and that would be fine. It's just that it strikes me as formal for something like this.

Still, it's a good story. There's just a bit of work that could be done to it, I feel, that could make it a bit better.

 

[Jaegir]

I should have clarified that this was just a short piece, intended to sound like a letter.
But thanks anyway, appreciate the help!

 

[Daydream]

What a lovely idea! I rather like this, almost mirroring what RainbowMunchies said, it's very cute. But it's also kind of sad, making you look in a new perspective, it seems rather like a poem to me as well.

If it's meant to be a letter you could do it in a letter style, that might clarify things a bit better? Just a few tweaks required really.

 

[Giratina ♀]

It's pretty cute, though calling it a "drabble" might help with the people saying it's too short. Because really, that's what a drabble is - a very short piece of writing, maybe supposed to tie into other drabbles or a larger story, and maybe not.

As Asty pointed out, I don't feel much emotion here. I read it, and at the end I was like, "What?" because it wasn't that obvious that this was a Pokémon speaking to its Trainer in the loving, caring way many people like to imagine their Pokémon do. It was too flat; even the parts where the Pokémon remembered the Good Old Days were repetitive ("I remember... I remember... I remember...") and didn't really get a point across.

Also, you needed to divvy up who was speaking more. Unless there were only three Pokémon on your team, what dictated when one Pokémon stopped talking and another Pokémon started?

 

[Jaegir]

Also, you needed to divvy up who was speaking more. Unless there were only three Pokémon on your team, what dictated when one Pokémon stopped talking and another Pokémon started?

I understand, it's just one pokemon speaking but it could be any starter from any game. The pokemon in the party is whatever the reader had in his/her old party (assuming they had more than one pokemon in their party.)

I will edit this and take into account what everyone has said.