[Pokémon] Nick Sinnoh Adventure

[BladeAkio99]

I'm only to get good if I try, I'm only to get better if others are there to help.
Rated: PG-13 For Mild violence and/or swear (which would be blocked out with asterisk)

< Chapter One>​

Nicholas was walking at a slow but steady pace to the pokemon center. He gazed over the meadows of Floroma town as the sunset gleamed above him. Inside of him was excitement, eagerness, and joy, Nicholas would get a starter pokemon.

Down a few feet on his path, Nicholas spotted a familiar face, an acquaintance. The boy turned in Nick's direction as they locked eye contact and waved.

"Well, If it isn't little boy Nicholas getting his first pokemon?" The boy remarked with a smirk on his face as he approached Nick. Archie had on a black leather jacket and wore a dog tag necklace; he was wearing a gray undershirt and blue jeans that had some tears in it, and a belt wrapped around his waist. His black hair was a mess as if a tornado came by and messed it up.

"What do you want Archie?" Nick scowled, glaring at his 'theme' he tried to make with his outfit.

"I was just wondering what pokemon your going to get," He said innocently. "I'm leaving today, so I just wanted to say goodbye."

Even though Nick barely knew Archie, he would of never expected him to be nice.
"Oh, okay. Why are you leaving?" Nick asked.

A grin appeared on Archie's face as he took out a ball from his pocket with red on one side and white on the other. He clicked the middle of the pokeball as it enlarged and dropped it to the ground. Still keeping eye contact with Nick, the pokeball released a buizel sniffing the unfamiliar ground and air.

"I got a pokemon too." he grinned.

"no." Nick stated.

"yea! You can see it can't you?" He questioned waving his hand in front of me.

"Yea I can see it," I said. "but why? I mean, I don't see you being a trainer one bit."

"well, I am." Archie dropped the subject. "Anyway, I have a pokemon, your going to have a pokemon, you know? Get the picture?"

"Um-"

"We could go on this expedition together. I have a picture in mind that we would be unstoppable."

"What make's you think that" Nick asked. It was hard to believe that he was older than Nick but he was the one that wanted to join Nick. Why me? Nick thought to himself. Nick redirected his attention to the buizel that was tugging on his Trousers.

"I just know that. And that is," Archie coughed, "if you wanted to join. I don't care either way," Archie then gazed at a house as if he wouldn't care if He respond.

"I'd rather work on my own." Nick finally said. He brushed the clinging buizel off of him and advanced towards the Pokemon Center.

~~~

As Nicholas entered the Pokemon center, he was delighted by the trainers and their pokemon with them. Some came for training while others were injured and needed special treatments.

Nick was rummaging through the crowd in the lobby and approached the lady at the counter with a red banner with a picture of a pokeball, that are given to new trainers. It shows that the trainer are in look for a starter pokemon.

The lady at the counter gleamed and told Nick to wait until he was called up again.
Waiting was not an option if Nick had to wait more than ten minute. His knuckles began to bear white after clenching them for so long.

Nick was called up in about half an hour and was escorted to a room behind the Pokemon main lobby.

The chill of going behind the Pokemon Center led his imagination run wild. Nick wouldn't expect for the lady to hurt him, or have a swarm of pokemon after him, but it just seemed like it. He wasn't sure if was pleasant to go here or if it was just his excitement.

"Okay, Nicholas, Granted here are 4 Pokemon. You decide which one to choose and it will be your fullest responsibility to take care of it" The lady who Nick met at the counter said; He didn't quite get her name.

She continued her lecture but Nick was somewhere else in his imagination.
"So choose, which will it be?"

Nick looked at the four pokemon that were eagerly waiting to be called upon. Nick's eye only gazed at the little pink water pokemon. It's possible that only wants the shellos because of Crasher Wake and his water pokemon.

Ooh, I got to get her. She's a water type and the rest of them aren't. Nick thought.
He snapped back to attention. "Oh, I will take shellos."

The other pokemon showed their grin faintly as it disappeared. Nick took the pokeball that shellos was in and returned her.

The lady seemed a bit fallen back when Nick told her he wanted the shellos. "You were listening right?" She asked, as if he wasn't paying attention. "The other pokemon I said were combee, glameow, and budew, you sure you want shellos?"

"Yea." Nick said getting rid of my grin and looking straight at her. He clutched the pokeball as tight as possible and headed back home

I wonder if Archie is still out. Nick wondered.

~~~

As if Archie read his mind, there he was standing.

"Nick," He waved, and then he looked at the red and white ball Nick was holding on to. "You got a Pokemon!" Archie didn't appear in my sight until Nick was halfway back home. The sun wasn't waiting for him and he needed to get out of any conversation as fast as possible.

"Yea... I haven't met her yet. she's a shellos," That didn't end the conversation.

"A shellos you say." Archie pulled out a glossy red rectangular figure and fingered with it. The Pokedex read out a description of Nick shellos. "Hm. So it can come in two colors."

"I guess so." Nick said monotony even though he was beaming with excitement on the inside.

"Hey," Archie said, "You want to battle?"

Nick didn't want to battle him right away, he doesn't know much about shellos's move pool so how would he expect to win. "Um,"

"Heck, never mind. I need to get going, the moon is rising and I still need some items to buy," Archie smirked as he dashes out of sight.

~~~

"Okay shellos," Nick said, "I know we haven't talked but I guess we could talk now."

By the time Nick made it to his house, it was already nighttime. He was in no rush to actually leave his house for the night, and morning will come when it needs to.

Nick's mom came inside and her heart skipped a beat as she saw shellos roaming around Nick.

"Mom, this is my shellos." He said as she entered the door from work.

"Oh my," Nick's mom, Mrs. Teimelle, said.

"It's cool isn't it?" Nick beamed.

Cool wasn't the word Mrs. Teimelle would of said. She hesitantly stammered back.
"Why are you so scared of it?" Nick asked. "It's not as bad as a ditto, weren't you a pokemon trainer once?"

Before Nick's mom could answer, his dad, Mr. Teimelle, came out of his room and saw the pink pokemon.

"So, this is your pokemon." Mr. Teimelle stated.

"Yea, she's pretty cool huh?"

He petted the crown-looking thing on his forehead and declared something smiling. "The shellos is a boy. And not to old either," He stated.

"Really? How would you know that?" Nick asked curiously.

Mr. Teimelle dropped the subject, knowing that it would be to complicated on such a specie.

Mrs. Teimelle opened to shellos some more and beamed at his (or her) golden lines.

The rest of the day followed like any other day, but only this time, Nick was a Pokemon Trainer, and he will train for experience.


[Note]: The title will change, I promise >.>
This I believe, is my first Fan fiction. I may not stick to it, because this isn't the Pokemon Fan fic. I wanted to write in the first place. I hope to get better so please feel free to comment. Constructive Criticism are greatly appreciated.

 

[QuietDragon]

You might want a more creative title. The title's going to be the first thing people look at and Nick Sinnoh Adventure's a bit too plain and not exactly attention-grabbing... not to mention, it might grammatically incorrect.

I think what you were going for is "Nick's Sinnoh Adventure". ^^

Inside of him was excitement, eagerness, and joy, Nicholas would get a starter pokemon.

That looks like two unrelated sentences joined together improperly. It would better read as follows:

Inside of him was excitement, eagerness, and joy, for Nicholas would soon get a starter pokemon.

Also:

Down a few feet on his path, Nicholas spotted a familiar face, an acquaintance. The boy turned in Nick's direction as they locked eye contact and waved.

... would better be rendered as:

Down a few feet on his path, Nicholas spotted a familiar face, that of an acquaintance of his. The boy turned in Nick's direction as they locked eye contact and waved.

Also, it sounds a bit odd that in the same instant the boy is turning, they both locked eye contact and <i>waved.</i> Sounds like an awful lot to do while turning. ^^;;

"Well, If it isn't little boy Nicholas getting his first pokemon?" The boy remarked with a smirk on his face as he approached Nick.

Seems like the rival's a bit of a condescending jerk. Pretty nicely conveyed, but not too unique as far as rivals go. ^^; If you're trying to keep to the spirit of the original games/manga/anime, it makes sense, though! Also, you shouldn't capitalize the T in "the boy", since "The boy remarked." is not a sentence on its own. "'I hate fish!' the boy remarked.", however, is a meaningful sentence.

"What do you want Archie?" should be "What do you want, Archie?"

Even though Nick barely knew Archie, he would of never expected him to be nice.


This is a common mistake, but the term is "would have", not "would of." "Would've", when spoken, often SOUNDS like "would of" but it's not the same.

Also, you'll have to change it to fit the sentence, so it would more accurately be written as "ne never would have expected him to be nice."

Written English is a bit different from the English you might speak.

"I got a pokemon too." he grinned. should be "I got a pokemon too," he grinned. and so on...

Also, while English teachers at school might've told you to avoid "he said, she said", it really isn't that bad. Use other more creative words when they fit, but don't toss words in randomly, otherwise, they grate and become too confusing.

Stated easily could have been replaced by said and the fic would have been better for it.

It's like they're competing for attention; "said" is good when it isn't overused, since it's practically invisible as a word in prose. Most people go right over it without thinking of it, but the others attract more attention to themselves.

Most of the dialogue suffers from very odd capitalization... that should be fixed.

What makes you think that, not make's. You does not belong to make, so there's no reason for make to have a possessive s (one followed by an apostrophe) after it.

The second sentence after the tildes is a bit confusing. Is the lady at the counter giving out... a banner or a picture of a pokeball?

You might've wanted to say that the poster carried the picture of a pokeball such as the ones given out to new trianers.

Not too old, not not to old. The young Shellos is not very old, not not going to a place called old. ^o^;

Perhaps you meant she opened up to Shellos more? Without the up there, I was driven to a rather disturbing mental image of her cutting the poor Shellos open somehow.

Overall, it looks like you're off to a good start, but you need to work on your grammar; it seems you have problems with proper punctuation. Read some more books, as that should help you greatly!

I look forward to seeing you improve. <3

You already seem to have a knack for settings and perhaps some talent there for characters, but you'll need to work on language, both in terms of prose and dialogue. Particularly in the latter, as the prose sometimes comes off as a bit flat and static... take note of how real people around you talk and how the way they talk might show their personality or origins (a rich, well-educated young man, for example, would not speak like a child who grew up on the streets with no formal education).

If you work on improving that, it'll untap the potential in your characters. ^^

Good luck with your writing!

 

[BladeAkio99]

@QuietDragon I wen't over this several time, and I'm just shocked that I didn't catch those mistakes.

You might want a more creative title. The title's going to be the first thing people look at and Nick Sinnoh Adventure's a bit too plain and not exactly attention-grabbing... not to mention, it might grammatically incorrect.

Yea...I was loosely writing this, so I didn't really care much about the title. I do understand how that's the first hook. I will have to look over it.

Seems like the rival's a bit of a condescending jerk. Pretty nicely conveyed, but not too unique as far as rivals go. ^^; If you're trying to keep to the spirit of the original games/manga/anime, it makes sense, though! Also, you shouldn't capitalize the T in "the boy", since "The boy remarked." is not a sentence on its own. "'I hate fish!' the boy remarked.", however, is a meaningful sentence.

Haha thanks :) I had the idea of Archie as more of a formal person rather than how he is now.

This is a common mistake, but the term is "would have", not "would of." "Would've", when spoken, often SOUNDS like "would of" but it's not the same.

Wow, I learn something new everyday xD. I've always write it like "would of" rather than "would have."

The second sentence after the tildes is a bit confusing. Is the lady at the counter giving out... a banner or a picture of a pokeball?

You might've wanted to say that the poster carried the picture of a pokeball such as the ones given out to new trianers.

Yea; I probably should not of put that part up. Before trainers get their starter pokemon, they are get a banner from their school allowing them to be pokemon trainers...The idea came up as I was writing that spot, so xP

Perhaps you meant she opened up to Shellos more? Without the up there, I was driven to a rather disturbing mental image of her cutting the poor Shellos open somehow.

O.o I...I defiantly need to go over that spot.

Overall, it looks like you're off to a good start, but you need to work on your grammar; it seems you have problems with proper punctuation. Read some more books, as that should help you greatly!

I will most certainly brush up on that. (It was always my major flaw in writing ehehe...)

I look forward to seeing you improve. <3
You already seem to have a knack for settings and perhaps some talent there for characters, but you'll need to work on language, both in terms of prose and dialogue. Particularly in the latter, as the prose sometimes comes off as a bit flat and static... take note of how real people around you talk and how the way they talk might show their personality or origins (a rich, well-educated young man, for example, would not speak like a child who grew up on the streets with no formal education).

Thank you entirely for going over this story; even if the title is unoriginal :). I will take every bit of knowledge you gave to me and use them for my next part. (I already written out part two of this before I posted this one online, so I will try to revise that one again).

Archie's personallity didn't come to me as a rich snob so I dropped it. Bad idea if the other character expresses him as a rich person...
Thanks again ^.^

 

[Mirimaju]

It's refreshing to see Nick get a Shellos it's a starter I would never expect I really want to see Shello's moves and I look foward to seeing more of this adventure. Archie seems like a nice guy a change of pace for rivals and I bet that Buizel will put up a fight against Shellos I really want to see that battle =) Best of luck