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[Pokémon] Operation Rocket

PokeLen

I am Kira
  • 10
    Posts
    15
    Years
    Rating: PG-13

    Hi guys, I've recently become more active on the forums. I have also been working on a story. I don't know how active the Fanfiction forum is, but I hope there are enough of you readers out there to provide me with feedback.

    Chapter One: He Has Returned
    Spoiler:


    Chapter Two: Traitor

    I've written all the way up to Chapter Four and am currently working on Chapter Five.
     
    Last edited:

    psyanic

    pop a wheelie on a zeitgeist
  • 1,284
    Posts
    12
    Years
    • Age 27
    • USA
    • Seen Apr 10, 2023
    Welcome to FF&W!

    Anyway, for formatting, the way you currently state you are doing it is fine, as in posting separate chapters in a different post.

    Onto the actual review!

    "Don't touch the machine. I'm going to get Professor Elm's hand," the boss said.
    Really dark, but what can you expect from a Rocket I suppose. I like it.

    Jimmy's eyes widened. "But…but Elm was like a father to me."
    He didn't really need to say anything at this point. I'd think he'd be in more emotional distress and cease to speak in shock, like what Elm's kid did, minus the fainting.

    "I'm guessing school is canceled?" Jimmy joked, even though it was uncalled for.
    Very uncalled for. Jimmy does not sound very emotional at all. The professor/father-figure of his life just died and he jokes about school. What's more shocking is the lack of reaction from his mother.

    Following through that, the story after gets quite fast-paced. Jimmy transitions rapidly from a mixed state of depression/shock/anger into relieving himself at watching Pokemon battling it out. People deal with their own way of loss I suppose.

    "Good work, trainer!" the Nurse exclaimed. "More people should be as brave as you. I'm calling the police right now!"
    Nurse Joy! Who knew you liked fighting, oh the irony. I guess it explains the whole, "We hope to see you again!" in the games.


    A JSA agent dressed in black walked into the Pokemon Center. "What are you talking about? This is not him!"
    They can move fast, can't they? And going with the dialogue, it would help to know that the JSA was actually looking or moving towards Jimmy, it just kind of shows the agent's disbelief in the boy and that he's actually acknowledging him.

    Again, the story is moving at a really fast pace. Not necessarily bad, but it can get vague in a few parts, especially when the officer is talking about "This is him!" and related.

    "Yes Grandpa, he's here," the agent responded. "Sorry for how mysterious things happened earlier. My name is Agent Gary Oak, member of the Johto and Kanto Security Agency, but currently I'm stationed in Johto."
    Nothing wrong with the actual bold print, just pointing out that it would make it seem less awkward if you wrote in something like "the agent then turned towards Jimmy and spoke," Just so that Gary isn't talking to his grandfather.

    Following up, Jimmy is really open-minded to accept the fact that a Pokemon completely merged with him. And the "special bond" really shouldn't have developed so quickly, as in a manner of five minutes where he helped heal it. I guess I prefer a bit of backstory, such as Jimmy consistently bets on it despite it losing and they form some kind of relationship.

    It seems that information is leaking out in the masses, with Jimmy already figuring out the identity of Elm's killer and even his location. Try to explicate a bit more and add descriptions on Jimmy's overall mannerisms and such, especially working on his reactions to shocking information.

    Overall, it looks promising and I loved the Rocket team heist thing at the beginning. Well written and its fitting. Interesting with PokeMorphs, but its nothing new. I'll be awaiting to see how it can differentiate. Keep at it and good luck!
     

    PokeLen

    I am Kira
  • 10
    Posts
    15
    Years
    Thank you very much for taking this seriously.

    I have to admit, now that you make those points, I see what I did wrong. My biggest problem, and I think you're going to see that as I reveal the next few chapters that are already made, is that I can't capture emotional scenes the way they should be.

    Over the weekend I'll go over the scenes you brought up and edit them. Then I'll re-post Chapter One and hopefully I'll have fixed them.

    I seriously appreciate your thoughtful post and I will try my best to edit out the "silly" scenes, and try to make scenes more emotional. After all, I truly want this story to be a serious one. I enjoy a good, serious, sometimes dark plot in stories and shows and movies I watch, so I'm trying to recreate such a plot in my own writing.

    However, what you're going to see as a pattern in my story is that it doesn't take much to form a bond with a Pokemon. That's just an element I decided to have in my story, and it's an element some people may not like, but if I had to form a TRUE bond between the two characters, it might take maybe an extra chapter or two to get it along, and by then the reader would have gotten bored and it would have simply dragged on. It may seem like a rushed piece of work when it comes to merging, but it's simply the way I've decided to tackle this plot element.
     

    PokeLen

    I am Kira
  • 10
    Posts
    15
    Years
    I have the plot planned out pretty well for PART 1. Part 1 is the first 7 chapters. After that, I'm not sure how exactly it's going to work out. As for the emotional scenes, I'll try to fix them over this weekend and re-post them. If I don't get them right, then I'll need someone's help :p

    As for grammar/spelling, I feel like I'm mostly spot-on with that, but I guess I can never know for sure. If, when reading this, you spot errors, feel free to point them out, and I will fix them.

    But if you have an idea for the plot, don't hesitate to tell me. I pretty much know how I'm going to write this in terms of plot so what you say might not actually translate into my story, but it just might if I like the idea enough. I'd wait until you see more of the chapters, to see where the plot is headed, before you suggest your own idea.
     

    PokeLen

    I am Kira
  • 10
    Posts
    15
    Years
    I edited the first chapter with some of the suggestions psyanic suggested. Thank you very much for those. I re-read the chapter with the edits you suggested and it flows MUCH better than before.

    Without further ado, I present to you Chapter Two.

    Chapter Two: Traitor
    Spoiler:


    Tell me what you thought about the 2nd chapter. As always, constructive criticism is highly appreciated. Posts like psyanic's post help me fix my story and develop as a writer.

    I do notice some problems with this chapter, one specifically that stands out than the rest. The plot is fast-paced, and for a reason. It may seem rushed to you, but this fanfic is going to have a hopeful 20+ chapters at the end. It may seem the events are going by really fast, but when you see what this is all leading up to, you won't think it was fast-paced anymore.
     
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