[Pokémon] Part One (An Orange Archipelago Story)

[SoulGuardian]

Hey guys, obviously this is a Pokemon Adventures-styled fanfic taking place in the Orange Islands. I will admit I was inspired by Feity's "Pokemon Orange Archipelago" fanfic, and the main characters names are the same, but the stories are completely different. I'm not going to tell you how they are, you'll just have to read and find out

The reason why this is called "Part One" is not because that is the title, but this thread will only have the first part of my story (the first 8 chapters) which is basically from the beginning to the Mikan Island Gym Battle; The reason I am doing this is because I want to get & use advice and input from these first eight chapters for the future chapters I make. All of these eight-chapters have already been made, and once I post all of them, I will make a separate thread for the whole story. Please give me constructive criticism, even if you think it sucks! Tell me if I'm conveying the main character's personas correctly (Lime = calm, cool; Lemon = ditzy, silly; Orange = stereotypical heroic persona like Red/Ash, determined).

*BTW, even after your criticism, I will not alter or change how I've already made any of these eight chapters. I want to keep them how they are, and use your criticism for the rest of the story.

EDIT: I will be altering and changing the chapters based on your advice, even if they are pre-made

HERE IS THE FIRST CHAPER, Enjoy!:

-Chapter 1-
-VS. Exeggutor-

South of the lands of Kanto & Johto lies a peaceful, tropical paradise by the name of the Orange Archipelago. A chain of islands are scattered throughout the sea, each with their own unique stories and culture. People who live here live in tranquility, and work together with the local Pokémon, all unified as one.

In the south-westernmost side of the islands is Tangelo Island. The wind blows a cool breeze as the sun shines brightly, warming the yellow beaches and native citizens. Tangelo Island is where many young trainers begin their journey in the Orange Islands, and today a new one will begin.

Living in a quaint, little beach house on the island is a boy named Lime. He has sun-kissed tan skin, black hair, and captivating lime-green eyes. He wears a red-headband to hold up his bangs, a green shirt, red swim trunks, and sandals; the perfect attire for the island climate. As he walks to the beach, hopping along with him is a Marill – which he has nicknamed Marillus. The two are great companions, Lime has known Marillus ever since the Aqua Mouse Pokémon taught a young Lime how to swim. When Lime was only a toddler, he had a great fear of water after he almost drowned the first time. However, he was saved by Marillus, who taught him the basics of swimming, and helped Lime become an expert swimmer.

"Mari, Ri!" cries Marillus in joy as his trainer pet's him.

The two arrive at the beach, which is relatively quiet. No people are in sight, and a multitude of ships stay docked at the nearby.

"I guess it's a slow day," Lime says while looking around. Marillus nods.

Lime removes his shirt and kicks off his sandals, and the two quickly dive into the crisp, blue water. The two playfully splash water at each other, and Marillus shoots a Water Gun at Lime. Lime has an enormous love, or infatuation, with water. He is a master at everything water; swimming, surfing, kayaking, snorkeling, and so on. He can just stay at the beach all day if he had the time to.

After swimming a bit more, Lime & Marillus walk onto the warm sandy beach and sunbathe. The two are in heaven, enjoying the peaceful & silent ambiance of the beach for their relaxation.

"Marillus, I must admit, I love my life," comments Lime. "But don't you ever wish that we could do something exciting or adventurous?"

Before his Marill could respond, it notices something. Washed up on the beach is a note-in-a-bottle, closed with a cork. "Marill, Mar!" exclaims Marillus, motioning Lime to get up. Lime looks at the bottle, and groans.

"Don't tell me someone littered again!" He says in an annoyed tone, as he walks towards the bottle.

He picks it up, and at first he believes it to be trash, like an empty soda bottle. As he's about to throw it away, Marillus tugs on Lime's leg and points at the bottle. Lime takes a good look, and catches sight of a scroll encased in the bottle. He removes the cork, takes out the scroll, and discovers that it is an ancient map of the Orange Archipelago.

He skims his fingers throughout the paper, seeing trails and paths, that all leads to an X. On each edge of the paper are rips and holes, but through them you can see the fabled "legendary birds" – Articuno, Moltres, Zapdos, and their trio master, Lugia. Lime's eyes lit up, as he soon discovers the map's true purpose.

"Marillus, I don't think this is just some old map," Lime exclaims. "It's a… treasure map!"

Marillus dances around as Lime jumps up happily. Normally Lime is very calm, cool, and collected, but when he gets excited that all changes. He puts the map back inside the bottle. "Marillus, we need to take this back to the house and pack up for our treasure hunt!" Lime says, and Marillus follows. He puts back on his shirt, and as he's about to head back home, a pile of eggs suddenly crash on Lime, exploding on impact. He coughs as a cloud of smoke engulfs him, and the treasure map is not in his hand. The smoke clears, and in front of them is a wild Exeggutor, with an angry demeanor.

"I guess this is why no one was outside today," Lime thinks to himself. "Marillus use BubbleBeam!" he commands.

Marillus fires a stream of bubbles at the Exeggutor, crashing into it. It cries, and then fires another Egg Bomb. The tiny blue Pokémon quickly dodges out of the way, but the explosion from the eggs causes another sight-blocking smoke cloud to emerge.

Coughing and panting for air, Lime commands "Marillus just shoot Water Gun everywhere!"

Marillus shoots a spiral of water in all directions, even hitting Lime once. After shooting multiple times, Marillus & Lime hear a cry from the Exeggutor. The smoke clears up again, and this time the Exeggutor seems angrier. It prepares to use Wood Hammer, a very powerful attack. Before Lime tells Marillus to attack it again, he spots a flock of Wingull flying about, and then looks at Exeggutor's middle head. He has a deep cut on his forehead, which looks like it came from a beak. Lime realizes that a Wingull must've tried to eat the Exeggutor's head, confusing it with a real coconut.

Lime walks over to some plant life near the water, and picks an Energy Root from it. He walks back to Marillus, and devises a plan.

"Marillus, I want you to use Rollout to get to the Exeggutor," Lime whispers. "But don't hit it, just give it this."

Marillus nods and he curls into a ball and charges towards the Exeggutor. The Exeggutor gets confused, and attempts to hit the rolling Marill, but misses. Marillus then pops back up, and tosses the Energy Root at the Exeggutor. The Exeggutor is shocked at first, but takes a bite out of the tough herb. It groans at the bitter taste, but then smiles once it's injuries on its head are cured. The harsh demeanor on its face changes into the normal, mellow expression it once was, and it walks back to the forest.

"Well I'm glad we help a hurt Pokémon," says Lime with a faint smile. "But I'm kind of sad that we lost the treasure map…"

As Lime begins to walk home disappointed, he hears Marillus cry "Marill, Marill!" He turns around, and sees Marillus digging the same note-in-a-bottle out of the sand. Lime dashes to Marillus and embraces him.

"You found it!" Lime shouts in joy.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, on Valencia Island, an island not too far from Tangelo Island, an enormous zeppelin lands onto the Blimp Station. Wingull & Swablu fly in fear of the great flying vessel. It finally lands in place and out walks a married couple, carrying many luggage and sporting floral shirts. A Skarmory flies out next, squawking in excitement. And finally, a young blonde boy walks out, with his orange eyes sparkling. With a determined expression, he says…

"Orange Islands, here I come"

 

[Daydream]

A story about the Orange Islands, eh? You've gained my attention with the setting here, so I thought I'd check out the story and give it a review.

But, before I start, I think there's something you need to reconsider, and it's this;

BTW, even after your criticism, I will not alter or change how I've already made any of these eight chapters. I want to keep them how they are, and use your criticism for the rest of the story.

This probably isn't the best way to go about things when you're posting a story online. If you take the suggestions people give you now, then you'll improve your writing skills and, as well as future chapters being better because you've learned something, you'll have less to edit as you continue. I can definitely attest to this because, after posting work on this forum, I've found I have some grammar rules a lot more firmly cemented in my head. Also, by saying this you're limiting what we as reviewers can or are willing to put into a review, until you post anything after chapter eight (and obviously you must want some sort of feedback or else, you wouldn't have posted your story here).

Onto the review proper.~

One thing I have noticed is your grammar (although grammar isn't my strong point, and others may pick up things I missed) and spelling is pretty strong; I didn't pick up many spelling errors or typos. So you must be doing a pretty good job on proofreading.

Couple of things I did notice however;

With a determined expression, he says…

"Orange Islands, here I come"

There needs to be a full stop after come and separating the speech out onto another line with the ellipses doesn't quite work. So maybe it would work better having the last line as 'With a determined expression, the boy says, "Orange Islands, here I come." '

"I guess this is why no one was outside today," Lime thinks to himself.

The speech marks here are unnecessary if Lime is just thinking, they only need to be there if he's saying the words out loud as well.

As a general point, I feel like you jump in a little too quickly here. By the end of the chapter all I really know about Lime is that he lives on Tangelo Island, he's the master of all things water and Marillus taught him to swim. I think there needs to be a little bit of expansion on his background before the scene with the Exeggcutor.

The two arrive at the beach, which is relatively quiet. No people are in sight, and a multitude of ships stay docked at the nearby

There appears to be a word missing here, after nearby? One thing I found lacking throughout the chapter was description. I'm aware Lime is on a beach but what does the beach look like? Are there dunes? Are there palm trees? Is the beach all sand or are there pebbles and shells or rocks and rockpools? Adding little things like this would really give a better picture of where the action is taking place.

The harsh demeanor on its face changes into the normal, mellow expression it once was, and it walks back to the forest.

You kind of randomly mention that the Exeggcutor wanders back into a forest here and, unless I'm being really dense here, you didn't mention a forest before this point. I was imagining a somewhat flat beach which an Exeggcutor appears on, for the most part.

Another thing I noticed is that you've included Swablu and Wingull in your fic. They may fit the tone of the place because of their species, but for what reason are Hoenn native pokemon present in the Orange Islands? Is your fic set somewhat in the future and these pokemon have been introduced to new regions? If so, this should be explained.

Tell me if I'm conveying the main character's personas correctly (Lime = calm, cool; Lemon = ditzy, silly; Orange = stereotypical heroic persona like Red/Ash, determined)

I would suggest putting this sort of question at the end of your chapter. This way your character builds up an idea of what they think of the character, and can then assess whether it matches what you were trying to convey rather than trying to see if they match up to what you're trying convey whilst reading.

Overall your fic isn't bad, but everything needs just that little bit... More. You need more detail on what Lime is feeling throughout the chapter because right now he's a little bland and I can't actually tell how calm and cool he is. You need more on his background and his motivations, or else people may not care enough about him to continue reading. If you bulk up the description too, then you'll have a much more well-rounded chapter.

So, that's my review. I haven't reviewed much before, so I'm not sure how coherent and easy-to-follow my advice was( or even if I was too harsh, I didn't mean to be!). But I think your story does have potential, it just needs to become more detailed to give it a touch more realism.

 

[Astinus]

First things first:

The reason why this is called "Part One" is not because that is the title, but this thread will only have the first part of my story (the first 8 chapters) which is basically from the beginning to the Mikan Island Gym Battle; The reason I am doing this is because I want to get & use advice and input from these first eight chapters for the future chapters I make. All of these eight-chapters have already been made, and once I post all of them, I will make a separate thread for the whole story.

Except you're not allowed to do that, according to the rules of this section. You post all the chapters for the same story in one thread. Unless you're doing a major rewrite of your story after getting reviews, then everything goes in one thread. So after you post the first eight chapters, you have to post the new chapters in the same thread. Otherwise, you're breaking the rules of this section.

*BTW, even after your criticism, I will not alter or change how I've already made any of these eight chapters. I want to keep them how they are, and use your criticism for the rest of the story.

But that really doesn't make sense. This is your first chapter, and if it's riddled with mistakes, that's the first thing your potential readers are going to see. They aren't going to go through eight chapters of your weaker writing to get to your better work. It would be better to post these first eight chapters, get reviews on how to improve, rewrite these chapters following the advice, and then post everything in a brand-new thread. This also works better for the reviewers because then we'll see that you are willing to follow our advice right in the next chapter, instead of waiting for seven chapters that show no improvement to pass.

As for reviewing...

Living in a quaint, little beach house on the island is a boy named Lime. He has sun-kissed tan skin, black hair, and captivating lime-green eyes. He wears a red-headband to hold up his bangs, a green shirt, red swim trunks, and sandals; the perfect attire for the island climate. As he walks to the beach, hopping along with him is a Marill – which he has nicknamed Marillus. The two are great companions, Lime has known Marillus ever since the Aqua Mouse Pokémon taught a young Lime how to swim. When Lime was only a toddler, he had a great fear of water after he almost drowned the first time. However, he was saved by Marillus, who taught him the basics of swimming, and helped Lime become an expert swimmer.

This a a prime example of info-dumping. Instead of forcing so much information into one paragraph, stick this information around in your story so the reader can gradually learn about Lime and his Pokemon. Plus, it would work better if you used action to describe him. For example: "He tied his red headband, making sure his bangs were held out of his eyes." It's not an info-dump because it runs as part of the story, and the reader doesn't have to remember everything all at once.

Normally Lime is very calm, cool, and collected, but when he gets excited that all changes.

Same thing here. Instead of telling the reader that Lime is calm, cool, and collected, but then he gets excited and...acts excited, show it. Have Lime go through his day as normal, and then when he finds the bottle, have him shout or yell or rush around. That way, his reactions based on the events around him are more shown than told, so the reader can make their own conclusions about the character.

Right now, that's all I have time to cover. You have the basics of something good here (though I haven't read the fic this was apparently based on), so keep posting.

 

[SoulGuardian]

Thank you to for actually responding!

In response to Astinus, I was going to make a full-fledged thread after this with the whole story. I just wanted to get reviews to see how I'm doing, but thanks for telling me the rules (I hope I'm not breaking them still).

By the way I'm going to take your advice and use what you guys tell me and rewrite and edit the chapters I've already made. Also I actually agree with my info-dumping, it's just that I was nervous on how I was going to explain everything. Is it okay if I do a minimum explanation, like just the basic physical features of him, or should I make it all flow throughout the story, even something simple like his skin tone?

In response to Daydream, yeah I kinda forgot about the "nearby" thing, sorry :/ I'm going to try to be more descriptive of locations and the setting, I just don't want to put too much info in like Astinus said, which might take away from what's really important. Also I kind of did get nervous on how to end it, but thank you for your spin on the last line :)

I really appreciate your help guys! I'm definitely going to alter the current chapters before I post them. I don't know if I should post Chapter 2 (it's already made), but it may have just the same amount of mistakes. I think I'll post it without changing chapter 2 just to see how I did on that.

Thanks again
~SoulGuardian

 

[SoulGuardian]

Another thing I noticed is that you've included Swablu and Wingull in your fic. They may fit the tone of the place because of their species, but for what reason are Hoenn native pokemon present in the Orange Islands? Is your fic set somewhat in the future and these pokemon have been introduced to new regions? If so, this should be explained.

I only added some Hoenn, Unova, and Sinnoh Pokemon because they seem like they would fit will in the Orange Islands. I guess it takes place in the future, so these Pokemon have migrated. I didn't feel the need to explain it though.

However, most of the time you will see Kanto-Johto Pokemon.

 

[SoulGuardian]

Sorry for triple post, it wont happen again! ;)
I wanted to wait later to post Chapter 2, but I finished re-editing the already made version I was going to post. I put you're advice in mind, and I hope I did good on this chapter 'cause the previous version of it sucked! ~Enjoy

-Chapter 2-
-VS. Pelipper-

Lime tosses the note-in-a-bottle containing the treasure map onto his large, soft bed. His house is old and everything is primarily wooden, from the floor to the walls to the furniture. However, his room is colorfully decorated; Evolutionary stones sitting upon shelves, flutes of all kinds are neatly lined up on tabled, and drawers are filled with a variety of little treasures and trinkets, including heart scales, star pieces, nuggets, and more.

Next to his bed is his lamp table, where his most prized possession sits, a Water Stone. A flashback plays through Lime's head, him sitting at the beach as a little kid, digging through the sand. He pulls out a couple of shells, but finds something that catches his eye – a beautiful shining blue stone, which looks like a piece of the ocean. He has kept it ever since, and it still contains it's luster. Since that moment, Lime has become enamored with collecting things, whether they are regular outside objects to valuable items, whatever catches his eye he'll keep. He describes himself as an "aspiring treasure hunter".

"I've always wanted to go on a treasure hunt," Lime says out loud. "Imagine Marillus, me and you, exploring places we've never been to, seeing new Pokémon we never thought existed, facing new challenges…"

"Marill!" Marillus growls in excitement.

"This is not just me collecting a Shoal Shell from the beach, or a Pearl from underwater," Lime continues to divulge. "This is a true treasure hunt, where 'X' marks the spot."

Marillus continues to nod and grin. Lime smiles back, and takes out an orange backpack from his closet. Inside he packs a change of clothing, a towel, a water canteen, the treasure map, and his Water Stone as a good luck charm. He takes out a jar and pours hundreds of coins out of it.

"We're going to need all the money we have for this journey." Lime comments, placing all the coins inside of the smaller pouch of his backpack.

He zips it up, places it on his back and walks out of his room, with Marillus following behind him. He slowly closes the door, which creaks loudly as he shuts it. Lime places his finger on his lips towards Marillus, who nods. The two try to walk down the stair as slowly as possibly; but due to the stairs being wooden they make a slight creaking sound with every step. Lime pokes his head from the wall, and notices his mother lying on the couch sleeping. The remote is still in her hand, and the television is playing static. She makes a loud snoring sound as she naps, unaware of Lime & Marillus' departure.

Lime slowly makes it towards the door and successfully exits out of his house, closing the door shut as Marillus quickly tiptoes outside. The wind blows calmly as Lime & Marillus walk through their seemingly small village that they live in. As they pass by many beach houses, Marillus notices an Oran Berry Tree in front of someone's house, but far enough where it is not on the owner's property. The blue little ball-shaped berries rustle in the wind, along with the orange leaves behind them. He hops over to the tree, taking a big whiff of the sweet scent of them.

"We should take some of these," Lime remarks, picking off one of the Oran Berries. "We're definitely going to need food."

Lime & Marillus pick the tree clean, and he places the Oran Berries inside of his backpack, leaving it partially open so that they do not spoil. As they continue walking, a lone Pelipper chirps in a sad tone. It's stomach growls, and is unable to find any food. It kicks through the sand and begins to walk in the opposite direction it is in. Suddenly it's nostrils open as the odor of Oran Berries from Lime's backpack sways by. A "lightning bulb" mentally pops up in the Pelipper's head, and it begins to fly towards Lime.

"Pelipper!" The Water Bird Pokémon squawks, its mouth watering as the scent gets richer. It latches onto Lime's backpack, poking its large, yellow beak through the small opening.

"What the-?" Lime snaps, flailing his arms about.
"Marill, Marill!" Marillus screams at the Pelipper in protection of his trainer.

Startled, the Pelipper hastily gathers a couple of berries into its sturdy bill and accidentally grabs the treasure map before flying off.

"Hey, get back here!" Lime yells, chasing after the Pelipper. "Marillus, Water Gun!"

"Marill!" Marillus growls, as he shoots a projectile of water at the fast moving Pelipper.

The Water Gun slightly hits Pelipper's side, but it remains unaffected, still flying away from the two of them. Still running, Lime notices the treasure map dangling from the Pelipper's mouth, and formulates a plan inside of his head.

"Marillus, use Water Gun," Lime says quietly. "But try to hit the treasure map."

Taking orders from his trainer, Marillus carefully aims at the Pelipper, and releases a blast of water at its mouth. The Pelipper shakes the water off, and the treasure map drops from its mouth.

"Got it…" Lime says as he catches the falling bottle. The Pelipper flies away, satisfied that it got food for the day.

Shortly after, Lime places the treasure map back into his backpack and zips it completely shut.

"Marillus, I think we should just keep this map as much as a secret as possible," Lime says before a small laugh. Marillus nods in agreement, and the two continue their journey.