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[Pokémon] PBA - Pokémon Boarding Academy

Furanty

神の右手
89
Posts
18
Years
  • Rating: PG-13
    Note: as I'm not a native speaker, my English isn't the best, but I think everyone understands it ;) So then, maybe here are some Beta Readers? Please send me a PM, if you are interesting in Beta Reading :D

    PBA - Pokémon Boarding Academy

    Chapter 1: Shopping

    In the region of Kanto at the Gulf of Vermilion lay Vermilion City. In one of the orange-roofed houses in the suburb was Ryan Kress asleep, although the sun had risen hours ago.

    Ryan's Room was a typical eleven-years-old-boy-room. Posters with an indigo-coloured logo of the Kanto Pokémon League hang on the walls. One of the posters pictured an old woman with a walking stick. Behind her was a dark violet Pokémon of the same size as the trainer with glowing red eyes. The poster on the left portrayed a younger, redhead woman, sitting elegantly on a large blue Pokémon. Most of the other posters showed a large, blond man in a military uniform. Ryan was one of Lieutenant Surge's biggest fans.

    A red and white Poké Ball on the bedside table opened. No Pokémon appeared, but a digital time display showed eight o'clock. Annoying alarm sounds woke Ryan suddenly up.

    The brown-haired boy yawned, closed the Poké ball clock and looked up at his calendar. "One week left," he thought. Then, his blue eyes closed and Ryan fell asleep again. His head fell down on his soft cushion.

    Ryan's room's door opened. A brown-haired woman with laughter lines around her mouth entered the room. "Ryan, get up! School starts next week and you have to get your class books. Ryan! Your father is already waiting for you!" Mr.s Kress said harshly.

    Five minutes later Ryan finally sat in the kitchen. His father, who looked very similar to his son except for his bald patch, and his one year younger sister Salia were already having breakfast. Ryan took a dish filled it with cereal and started to eat hastily.

    "No reason to hurry," Mr. Kress said. He looked at his watch. "I've taken today off, so we have the whole day. We even could go to Saffron City. They should have a larger assortment there," Ryan's dad proposed. Ryan just nodded.

    An hour later, Ryan and Mr. Kress stood at the station of Saffron City. Vermilion City was a large city, but Saffron City overtrumped the harbour city easily. The streets of Saffron City were dark by day and enlightened by night. During the day, the giant skyscrapers, which were all around, darkened the metropolis, while during the nights, the buildings and street lights illuminated the whole city.

    "Mhh, what does the list say?" Mr. Kress asked. Ryan handed him a sheet of paper. The time has come, Ryan thought. He would go and attend the PBA, the Pokémon Boarding Academy. His parents forbade him to go on a Pokémon journey. After long discussions, they registered their son to the PBA, so he could combine his fondness for Pokémon but also attend school. Ryan did not see any problems with this compromise. He knew that the PBA was one of the best schools far and wide.

    Mr. Kress studied the shopping list and planned the shortest way. That was one of Mr. Kress's characteristics. He was an analyst working for Silph Co., the biggest company in Kanto, and had formed a habit to analyse anything in his life.

    "We should go to Silph. Books first and buy your school books and your writing stuff. A new bag would also be a good investment. Your old one got a bit scorched," Mr. Kress said. Ryan remembered. Charmander, his starter Pokémon, fired his old bag last school year's end.

    Ryan looked at the list.


    Every student is required to have the following materials at the beginning of the first term.
    School books:
    Modern Age of Pokémon Battles by Timeus Adamant
    Elegance, Grace and Charm by Fantina and Juan
    Changing Ages, an unordered chronology
    From the egg to the cradle by Professor Elm
    Utensils:
    Three Poké balls
    A Pokémon food box
    Writing utensils (pens, paper) could be bought in the campus shop
    The Pokémon Boarding Academy wants to indicate, that every student will be outfitted with school uniforms, which we will bring to account after each finished term.
    First-class students are allowed to bring one Pokémon with them. Students, who do not have a Pokémon yet, will get the chance to choose one of the Academy's Pokémon.

    Edward Primo, Deputy Headmaster



    "Well, I have Charmander. I could not imagine trusting a stranger's Pokémon," Ryan said. He took a Poké Ball from his belt and opened it. White lights shot out of the ball and an orange lizard with a flamed tail emerged out of the light.

    Mr. Kress, Ryan and Charmander walked through the crowded streets of the city. Mr. Kress wanted to go shopping at Silph. Books. As an employee of the Silph Company, he would get an employee discount. As Ryan was not in the mood of arguing today, the three entered the shop, which stood in the ground floor of a huge skyscraper.

    Ryan was amazed. Dozens of shelves, two metres in height, stood on the walls, filled the whole area. There were also stairs snaking both upstairs and downstairs. Men and women, who wore silver chemises and blouses with the Silph Co.'s logo respectively, were advising the customers.

    Mr. Kress went straight to one of the employees, while Ryan was rummaging the book shelves. Charmander nestled at a Pokémon food stall. Luckily, the books were assorted by categories, so that Ryan could everything he was not interested in, and he was not interested in much subjects, ignore. He skipped "Geography," "Economics" and "History" and reached "Personalities". There were biographies of famous people. On one of the book covers a young Professor Oak was smiling. On the other one was a young trainer with green hair and a Bug-type Pokémon sitting on his head, that Ryan had never seen before. But there were no books of Lieutenant Surge.

    Ryan continued pacing through the shelf rows. A small guidebook caught his eye. "151 Strategies to Victory," Ryan read. He seized the pocket book and opened it. Almost two hundred pages were filled with information and pictures about Pokémon battles. Ryan spun the book and saw the price of 250 Poké Dollars. "I'll keep this book," Ryan decided, although he did not have enough money to pay for it.

    Mr. Kress was already taking four more or less thick books in a shopping back, when Ryan was asking him for paying 151 Strategies to Victory.

    "Ryan, this pocket book sounds like a sleazy guide. I don't even know the author. It's useless. Bring it back, please," Mr. Kress said harshly and left the shop.

    Ryan walked back to the shelf, where he found the guide book, but then he put it into his pocket, hoping no one was watching him.

    "Let's go, Charmander," Ryan said to his Pokémon. He took Charmander by the hand and dragged it away from the pinkish food, which was imported from a region in the far north.

    "Charmander! Mander!," blustered Ryan's Pokémon. Charmander had enjoyed the delicious Poffins, obviously. "We have the same stuff at home," Ryan said, when both encountered Mr. Kress again.

    "It's about time, too. We're going to go to Silph. Center in the inner city. They have Kanto's second biggest department store there. In addition to a great electrical retailer ", Mr. Kress said anticipatorily. Because almost every single building in Saffron City belonged to the Silph. Co Mr. Kress got everywhere employee discount. But at first, the group of three stopped at an ice-cream booth and bought ice-cream wafer for everyone.

    Ryan licked to his chocolate ice-cream. It would him please more, if the sun had shined here – the cool ice-cream would have tasted much better. To Mr. Kress's disgust, Charmander's ice-cream's flavour was meat.
    "Meat ice-cream, never heard of this. And why by Alakazam's spoons does a Fire-Pokémon even eat ice-cream?," Mr. Kress asked astonished. "It just tastes good," Ryan answered.

    In front of the group sprawled a large glass building. That was the Saffron Department Store. An alley drew through the whole ground floor, edged by palms and golden Pokémon statues. On both sides of the alley were dozens of colourful shops. A Pokémon Center were stationed there also.

    "Pokémon Coiffeur? A luck, that Charmander does not have any hair," Ryan said, when an elderly woman left the Coiffeur with her Meowth and pranced along Ryan. That Meowth's fur were tinted pink.

    Mr. Kress withdrew money at a cash point, which were stationed along the alley. Ryan and Charmander went window-shopping in the meantime. Here were even a shop of the hippest fashion label far and wide: Sinnoh Fashion. Right aside they found a McFarfetch'd, a fast-food franchise. The sight of McBurger made Ryan's mouth water. But as always Mr. Kress thought it too unhealthy.

    Pokémon were not allowed to stay out of their Poké Balls in the super market, so Ryan withdrew his Charmander. The super market was doubtless three times the size of the book store. Mr. Kress fetched up some red-white Poké Balls, even if Ryan had preferred the yellow-blackish Ultra Balls.

    "As I see it, you don't need any medicine. A well-equipped Pokémon Center is part of the PBA," Ryan's dad assumed, when they passed potions and antidotes.

    "Wow," Ryan marvelled at the probably biggest accumulation of chocolate he has ever seen. He did not have enough money to buy 151 Strategies, though it should suffice for three Choco-Jynx and two bottles of Kanto-Cola.


    The dusking sun had dyed the sky in a fiery orange colour. Ryan and Mr. Kress dropped out of the train in Vermilion City. They were exhausted and tired. Mr. Kress had been strolling at Silph. Electronics for full three hours, but then did not buy anything.

    "We are back," Mr. Kress said loudly. He entered the living room of the Kress house. "Oh! Finally! I yet thought you would not return at all!," Mr.s Kress said grimly. "I had dinner, but I can still cook a little meal for you," Mr.s Kress continued in a nicer way. She then whizzed into the kitchen.

    Ryan was lying in his bed – beat-up. He would never ever go to Saffron City with his father again. But now he could flee into a dream about his future life at the PBA.
     
    Last edited:

    Citrinin

    Nephrotoxic.
    2,778
    Posts
    14
    Years
  • Hi there. :) Although your work suffers from subtle linguistic errors, your grasp of the language is very good and perfectly understandable. I'll go through each of your language errors and hopefully offer an explanation as to how and why things should have been done differently.

    One thing that stuck out is that you would often string words together when describing, such as "eleven-years-old-boy-room". As I understand it, this is quite common in German, and is in spoken English, but not written English. You don't have to change methods, as it's still grammatically correct (as far as I know), but it does make it seem less natural.

    It can also distort meaning, as well. For example, you described a Pokeball as "red-white". In English, when you combine two colours together, you're usually referring to a single colour that is a mix between those colours; not something that is both of these colours. Again, this isn't hard-and-fast - you could leave the description of "red-white" as it is and people still understand what you mean.

    Furanty said:
    No Pokémon appeared, instead a digital time display showed up eight o'clock.

    Change "showed up" to "showed"; "showed up" means several different thrings, none of which you were aiming for. Also, "instead" should be "but"; you need a conjunction, not an adverb.

    Furanty said:
    Annoying alarm sounds awoke Ryan suddenly up.

    You should change "awoke" to "woke", as "awoke" means that the subject of the sentence is waking, not the object.

    Furanty said:
    The brown-haired boy yawned, closed the Poké ball clock and looked up his calendar.
    "[L]ooked up" should be "looked up at". Without the "at", it suggests that you're finding the calendar in a database of some kind.

    Furanty said:
    "One week left", he thought.

    Commas should be on the inside of quotes.


    Furanty said:
    Five Minutes
    This should be "Five minutes"

    Furanty said:
    Ryan took a dish filled it with cereals and started to eat hastily.
    You need to change "cereals" to "cereal"; "cereals" suggests that different kinds of cereal are being used.

    Furanty said:
    I've taken off today

    This should be "
    I've taken today off"; "taken off" means that you've gone somewhere.

    Furanty said:
    He was an analyst working for Silph Co., the biggest company in Kanto, and formed a habit to analyse anything in his life.

    "[F]ormed" should be "had formed"; you're looking for past perfect, here.

    Furanty said:
    Every student is obligated to have the following materials at the beginning of the first term.

    This is another one of those times where what you say is not incorrect, but unnatural. Obligation often suggests more of a higher duty than simply getting stationery; "required" would be a more natural term.

    Furanty said:
    two metre in height

    "[M]etre" should be "metres".

    Furanty said:
    There were also stairs guiding both upstairs and downstairs.

    Guiding is really only appropriate if they're actually on the stairs and using them. I suggest changing "guiding" to "going" (or any other creative verb you'd prefer, such as "snaking").

    Furanty said:
    "Economy"

    This should be Economics. The economy is the object of study; economics is the actual study.

    Furanty said:
    250 Poké Dollar

    As gamers, we call them Pokédollars, because that's what we use them for; Pokémon. In the world of Pokémon, it's highly dubious that the unit of their entire economy is linked to a group of species. If you do wish to continue using this term, though, it should be "250
    Poké Dollars".

    Furanty said:

    This should be "Mr. Kress". "Mrs Kress" should also be "Mrs. Kress".

    Furanty said:
    And why by Alakazam's spoons eats a Fire-Pokémon even ice-cream?

    This should be rephrased to: "
    And why by Alakazam's spoons does a Fire-Pokémon even eat ice-cream?"

    Furanty said:
    McFarfetch'd

    I laughed. :D

    Furanty said:
    "As I see, you don't need any medicine. A well-equipped Pokémon Center is part of the PBA", Ryan's dad assumed

    "As I see" should be "As I see it".

    Furanty said:
    two bottles Kanto-Cola.

    This should be "two bottles of Kanto-Cola."

    Furanty said:
    "Oh! Finally! I yet thought you would not return at all!", Mrs Kress said grimly.

    Er... doesn't she have a cellphone? If she doesn't, you should mention this explicitly, as it says something about her character.

    Aside from the language problems, my main concern is that it's not really that interesting; it just seems like a casual day. It does, however, hold the promise of interest - a Harry Potter version of Pokémon. But in a medium where chapters are posted one at a time, it helps to include excitement in your first one, if you can.

    All in all, good luck. :D
     

    Furanty

    神の右手
    89
    Posts
    18
    Years
  • Well, first of all, thank you for reading :D I'm glad to see that you understand what I have written. I have also corrected the mistakes, thanks for this too.

    I know that this chapter is quite boring, but I guess the next one will be a bit more spectacular ;)
     
    Last edited:

    Citrinin

    Nephrotoxic.
    2,778
    Posts
    14
    Years
  • Furanty said:
    Well, first of all, thank you for reading
    You're most welcome. If you'd like, you can "pay it forward" by reading and reviewing someone else's fic; this forum needs as many reviewers it can get. :) Also, reviewing is helpful for your own writing, as you can step back and objectively assess the merits and the failings of another's work and learn what works and what doesn't.

    Furanty said:
    I know that this chapter is quite boring, but I guess the next one will be a bit more spectacular ;)
    I guess the trouble with making this promise is that you potentially suffer a bit of lost readership. Unfortunately, the reader:writer ratio of this forum isn't that high (and is improving, which is promising), which means that readers might not return if all they have is the promise of excitement.
     
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