Poems from a Pelican's Keyboard

[PelipperMail]

Whenever I am feeling a little blue, I'll write something to make me feel better. Tonight, inspired by reading some other members poetry over the last week, I decided to write my own. They're nothing special, but they express my deepest feelings.

#1 This poem is written in a very unique style, I don't know why I did this. 3 verses, each with 5 lines. The first, third and fifth lines have 9 syllables, the third has 7, and the fourth has 3.

Spoiler:

Monopoly

We wake every morning, nakedly
Exposed to our unnatural Earth
Time rushes beneath our feet.
So we trip
Over distant, faded memories.

Memories fade in and out again,
Never completely forgotten,
But neglected and battered,
We can cry
For tears express more than emotions.

Emotions are the reasons hearts break,
But needle and thread do no favours.
Voodoo can try, but will fail -
Play as God
And your life is no more than being.

#2 For a more unique approach, I combined two already existing poetic styles.

Spoiler:

Claustrophobia (an acrostic sonnet)

Come too close to me and spare your moments.
Let me go, set me free! I want to be
Away from this mess. Why am I so tense
Under your rule? Please get away from me!
Start retreating, double back and run
Towards my own safe haven. I yell and
Roar in frustration. I must see the sun,
Only its light can save me from this bland
Place. There are four walls, yet not a corner to
Hide. I cannot be free, I need to get
Over my fear. I need more than willpower too.
Blisters and burns on my skin. Such a threat
I have to escape from. If these fences
Are destroyed, I can regain my senses.

#3 is a poem that narrates my feelings when I was being bullied as a child. How I knew it was there, but I ignored it, and how I let them hurt me, and how I let them get to me. But on top of all that, I refused help, because I didn't think that they could help, and in hindsight I should have accepted it.

Spoiler:

Untitled
It violently creeps up,
As soft as steel.
The silence strikes me.
Too loud to feel.
The red fists and feet,
Match my bruises.
I want my blood to flow,
Yet it oozes.
Cracks in my skin,
Forming a hole,
That branches and expands,
To reveal my soul.
As unbreakable as glass,
Exposed because,
I acted alone, but
That's not what I was.

#4 I wrote this poem quite a while ago, I'm not quite sure what the hidden message is though. But it's quite creepy.

Spoiler:

Tap, tap, BANG, tap

It's dark and nearing midnight.
Sleep alludes me due to a dance.
It echoes off the walls,
And resounds in my head.
It began in the ceiling and,
Continued down the hallway.
A mysterious dance:
Tap, tap, BANG, tap.

The dance went on, with extras:
Heavy breathing. In. Out. In. Out.
It's creepy but melodic,
It won't leave my head.
It's coming towards me,
Stopping at my doorway.
A mysterious dance:
Tap, tap, BANG, tap.

A ghoul steps in, his eyes at mine.
Hairy but hairless: fine and blonde.
His cheeks rise,
And a smile arrives.
It was sinister at first,
but now it's contagious.
I can't control myself:
Tap, tap, BANG, tap.

Despite being an amateur, I hope you enjoy them!

 

[Oryx]

I really enjoyed reading these! We're all amateurs here, don't worry :P Now for the individual critique.

Monopoly
The main problem I see with this poem is that it's so esoteric that it's hard to tell what the topic is. At first, based on the title and the first stanza, I thought it was about people living their bland lives under the umbrella of big business, but in the second stanza I thought it was actually about lost memories, and then in the last one is completely confusing to me. I'm not saying to scrap your poem by any means, just look at each stanza and think about what you're trying to say, and if you've conveyed it. The point of the entire poem doesn't have to be blatantly obvious of course, but each stanza should at least have a coherent point on the surface, whether or not it has more underneath.

I think my favorite part of this poem is the phrase "unnatural Earth". I would love it if you expanded on that - is it because we cover the Earth with our own gadgets and unnatural things? Those first two lines are really powerful, which is great. They're some of the most important lines in a poem. The last two lines I also really liked, which is another critical point of the poem. They're very much a 'tying loose ends together' set of lines, that can be used to push your reader back towards the main point of the poem.

One thing I would change is a slight formatting things. I was halfway through a critique of how to fix the "problem" of having memory twice when I realized that it was intentional, lol. You could change the formatting of the poem a bit to make it reflect that, maybe something like this:

Over distant, faded
(Memories)
fade in and out again,

Of course, it's up to you. :)



Claustrophobia
This poem pleasantly surprised me. I saw it and though "an acrostic poem? really?" and wasn't expecting much, tbh. But you pulled it off beautifully; it can be read without even knowing it's an acrostic poem which is the best kind. It makes the discovery like an extra feature in the poem, not just a gimmick to write something with.

These structures are pretty strict when combined together, so changes would be hard to make really. I don't have any huge issues with this poem either, so all of these issues are just nitpicks that you're free to ignore if you like the other way better. xD

-I'm not sure what the first line means. "Spare your moments" is rather confusing.
-In the last line, 'undone' is a strange word to use for a fence. Maybe 'unfastened' or 'destroyed'?

That's all! Feel free to ignore my criticism all you want though, in the end it's your poem and your style :3

 

[PelipperMail]

i'll lengthen my responses later, i have to leave ^_^

I really enjoyed reading these! We're all amateurs here, don't worry :P Now for the individual critique.

Monopoly
The main problem I see with this poem is that it's so esoteric that it's hard to tell what the topic is. At first, based on the title and the first stanza, I thought it was about people living their bland lives under the umbrella of big business, but in the second stanza I thought it was actually about lost memories, and then in the last one is completely confusing to me. I'm not saying to scrap your poem by any means, just look at each stanza and think about what you're trying to say, and if you've conveyed it. The point of the entire poem doesn't have to be blatantly obvious of course, but each stanza should at least have a coherent point on the surface, whether or not it has more underneath.

I think my favorite part of this poem is the phrase "unnatural Earth". I would love it if you expanded on that - is it because we cover the Earth with our own gadgets and unnatural things? Those first two lines are really powerful, which is great. They're some of the most important lines in a poem. The last two lines I also really liked, which is another critical point of the poem. They're very much a 'tying loose ends together' set of lines, that can be used to push your reader back towards the main point of the poem.

One thing I would change is a slight formatting things. I was halfway through a critique of how to fix the "problem" of having memory twice when I realized that it was intentional, lol. You could change the formatting of the poem a bit to make it reflect that, maybe something like this:

Over distant, faded
(Memories)
fade in and out again,

Of course, it's up to you. :)

Lol, thanks for your criticism in this one. I trying to be vague, but I think I tried too hard. I will try to fix it up very soon. I will attempt a less structured (or a more well known style) poem this time, and maybe I'll make each stanza definitive and unique to itself, although I'll try to make sure they relate to each other. I totally agree with everything that you're saying.

Claustrophobia

-I'm not sure what the first line means. "Spare your moments" is rather confusing.

I suppose I was trying to say "If you don't let me out, I'll kill you" but in a less harsh way. I suppose I can reword it, but it will have to have a certain ring to it, and I'm not sure if I can compose such a thing.

-In the last line, 'undone' is a strange word to use for a fence. Maybe 'unfastened' or 'destroyed'?

I agree, it does sound quite strange. I'll use destroyed. I would have used unfastened, but it would have broken my 10 syllables per line pattern. Dx

Feel free to ignore my criticism all you want though

No. :P I'll reply more later, and fix my mistakes.