Poems of Fail

[darkpokeball]

Okay, it's been a while since I wrote poetry. But, I hope that the following poems are at least decent enough that people don't need to hide from...I hope.

Haiku:

Spoiler:

The breeze sways the grass
Pokemon within, playing
Laughing, with much joy

Just a basic poem:

Spoiler:

Death, it lurks so near
To this trainer here
He wishes to fill his dads shoes
And he has everything to lose
His dad is the champion of the four
While he is a boy, nothing more

A bullet pierces the air
Giving people a scare
It enters the boy's head
More bullets rushing
The boy is soon dead
With shock, people hushing

Panic, fear, despair
Blood is in the air
A single man stands
All is going to his plans
He's from the future
On a mission to kill Red
To make sure that trainer is dead
So that his team would never
Face defeat and they'd last
Forever.

Team Rocket now owns Kanto
Everyone's their slaves
Everyone has fear and woe
Because of that fateful day

----
Alright, Red's dad wasn't a gym leader. But, still, it would make for an interesting story...right? No? Whatever.
----
So, review. And if they're not too horrible, I might as well keep writing poems!

 

[bobandbill]

The haiku I think is decent - I like the mood captured in it. I would remove the comma after 'laughing' personally however as it reads fine without it imo.

The second poem I didn't like as much as it felt a bit rushed to me...for instance:

He wishes to fill his dads shoes
And he has everything to lose
His dad is the champion of the four
While he is a boy, nothing more

It should be dad's rather than dads here for instance... and it seems somewhat contradictory. If he is just 'a boy, nothing more' than why does he have everything to lose if that's all he has...?

A bullet pierces the air
Giving people a scare
It enters the boy's head
More bullets rushing
The boy is soon dead
With shock, people hushing

I'm also a bit surprised that people were 'hushing' instead of shouting/screaming/etc when someone gets shot multiple times in public, a child no less. 'The boy is soon dead' is a bit odd as well as I'd think that he would have died from a bullet wound to the head very quickly - so saying 'The boy is soon dead' sounds odd to me. I also feel that you could have played around with emotions some more; for instance you say 'Giving people a scare' rather than showing us how they reacted and hence telling us they were scared (which is a generally easy conclusion to arrive at by oneself anyway with gunshots) without doing so bluntly.

The concept is all right (and a time travelling Giovanni? Damn), but I think it could use some editing is all on those points mentioned.

 

[darkpokeball]

Thanks for the review!
Although, showing how they reacted is kind of hard, plus keeping rhyme. The basic reaction is shocked speechless. And yes, the first part is a bit contradictory. I might as well change that line to "And he has nothing to lose."
--
Alright, here we go again with a new poem!

Snowflakes fall, glistening Earth
Tender Moon, a woman gives birth
The years pass, one by one
The baby embraces
the Tender Moon, the Smiling Sun
--
Alright, next one:

Dead, to be blunt
Dead, is the runt
The corpse, bloodied
The soul freed
A life lost
A terrible cost

A man out of time
Nightmarish gunshot
The results sublime
The corpse left to rot

A boy named Red
A future now dead
A dead silence falls
Like a shadowy blanket
Hushing all and all
A boy's fate met

Tears drift down
Stain the ground
A pout and frown
Because
Of a gunshot sound
--
Yes, the second poem in this post is a retelling of the story in the first post.