poetry by ko.

[kokopuffchan]

i'm ko. and this is my poetry thread.

come here and i'll try to update and post my poetry. i'm going to be posting some stuff from the last two months or so at first, because poetry doesn't just flow out of me at any moment.

i'll only post one at a time, because i like people to focus on just one before moving on.
<3

this heart is not a home

this house is like an empty shaft,
a cocoon when the butterfly has left.
i am waiting, staring at the floor.
[did anyone ever live here before?]

this house has walls of sand and stone,
crumbling holes where punches were thrown.
these rooms are excuses for black holes.
[did this house ever support a soul?]

and where did the occupants go?

'in this house,' they say, 'she walks the halls,
she tries to fit the spaces between the walls.
she walks the corridors alone.'
[and this house is not a home.]

there are webs and spiders in the corners,
along the house's lonely borders.
you can hear its creaking in the night.
[there must have been quite a fight.]

and why does no one listen to its plight?

there are echoes off the walls,
there are endless, endless halls.
in this house there's not a soul.
[you are left out in the cold.]

trapped in this house, i await,
some sort of way i can escape.
locked in this house, i've lost the key.
[we are trapped inside of me.]

and just what is it that you can't see?

in this house, the walls stained red,
you can see the blood of the dead.
in this house you're all alone.
[and this heart is not a home.]​

 

[TJgamer]

It's very creative.
It seems to have a blend of suspense, mystery, and sadness to it.
At least, that's what I think.

 

[kokopuffchan]

thank you both very much for the comments! ice, i think you're right. i think the third stanza can be fixed simply.
i could change

'in this house,' they say, 'she walks the halls,
she tries to fit the spaces between the walls.
she walks the corridors alone.'
[and this house is not a home.]​

to

'in this house,' they say, 'she walks the halls,
trying to fit the spaces between the walls.
she walks these corridors alone.'
[and this house is not a home.]​

i removed the repetition of she [though honestly it sounds a little worse in the second line now, so i could probably find a better change to make] and changed the to these. these doesn't really fit though. these changes may not be major enough, and i need help with the flow of the third line, as i can't seem to make it fit.

tjgamer - thank you, that's exactly what it is.

 

[kokopuffchan]

okay! before or after the changes? i'm thinking this?:

'in this house,' they say, 'she walks the halls,
trying to fit the space between the walls.
she walks the corridors alone.'
[and this house is not a home.]​

 

[bunnyricebowl]

I like it, pretty sad. :(
I have no advice to give because the best thing I can write is I scream for ice cream. lol

What was the meaning you were trying to convey?

 

[kokopuffchan]

the feeling of emptiness after a loved one is gone.
thank you anyways, i like to know that you like it.

--severe lack of update was severe--
sorry, i think the vast majority of my poetry is depressing.

don't waste your time on me..

who are you now?
like the crawling passage of time..
i keep looking for your face in the crowd
while i try to find two words to rhyme.

poetry is listless, i am restless
your voice in inside my head,
bottled on my bookshelf
gathering cobwebs...

if i had to guess where you are
you're in my nightmares,
in my dreams,
you are fighting all my fears.

i know time went to fast back then,
but i remember you promising me,
'whatever you need, whenever you're scared,
right next to you is where i'll be.'

and if i spotted a face like yours,
i'd say hello or spare a smile;
ask him to coffee and maybe
we would talk for a while...

but it would never be the same, and
the tenseness of my heart never unwinds
and i still lie if anyone asks,
i still say "i'm just fine."

i still keep your picture with me,
just like you're still mine.
and i can't let go, i won't, because
you were one of a kind.​

 

[PuNkSter]

On the 4th stanza first line, you made a little mistake, "to" should be "too" I think. Other than that, pretty good poem, I still like your first one though.