[Pokémon] Pokémon DarkViolet

[[Your Name Here]]

Prologue

Two trainers are having a battle for position as champion. "Gigaiasu, use Earthquake!" said the first trainer. The rock-like creature made the ground shake hardly, but when the second trainer cried,

"Jaroda, evade!", the other Pokémon evaded it. "Jaroda, use Giga Drain!" The Jaroda drained almost of the Gigaiasu's energy.

"Gigaiasu, use Rock Smash!"

"Jaroda! Evade!" The Jaroda was almost crushed, but was able to dash away from the rubble. "Jaroda, finish!" The snakish creature formed a long, shiny, white beam inside its mouth and it knocked the Gigaisu right over. The Pokémon had fainted, making the second trainer the new champion. The second trainer harsly asserted, "You have failed, Yasmine. Now since you lost your battle, I am now the Olvia Region champion and now I rule the region! Ha!"

Yasmine answered, "You're a felon, Ivano. You'll never become a true Pokémon champion and I predict you will be easily beaten one day.

"You've got no respect for your Pokémon and they only do what they say because they fear you!!"

The evil man said, "Hey there. You can join me and we could rule the region! Together!"

"I'll never go with you, Ivano. To you, Pokémon are tools of destruction and manipulation, not friends! Why would I want to be partners with someone who's just a nasty traitor? I want you to get out of this building! NOW!" Ivano replied with a smirk,

"Fine then. And by the way, YOU have to get out of this building." With a forlorgn face, Yasmine slumped out of the room.

END OF PROLOGUE- CHAPTER ONE COMING SOON

 

[[Your Name Here]]

Chapter One- The Beginning

Japser Town
"Wake up birthday boy!"

"Just a few more minutes, Mom!" moaned the boy.

"Drake, if you don't get up soon, you won't be able to get your first Pokémon! Come on!" exclaimed his mom.

It was the morning of Drake's 10th birthday, an important day for him. Today, he will be getting his first Pokémon and start his journey across the Olvia region. Drake sighed and replied,

"Okay Mom, I'm coming." grumbled Drake.

"I've made

After eating a hearty breakfast, Drake said goodbye to his Mom and went to Prof. Jade's lab. Drake's father was friends with Prof. Jade, so the professor knew him really well. As Drake entered the modern-looking laboratory, Prof. Jade greeted him with a warm smile.

"Welcome, Drake! I've been waiting for you. Here. Come with me."

She walked up to a cream-colored table with three Poké Balls placed on it. "Here. Select one. I only have a Treecko, a Torchic and a Mudkip. A few other kids from neighboring towns came and took the other twelve. Which one would you like?" Drake replied with, "I'll take Treecko!"

"Good choice!", the professor responded.

Drake opened the Poké Ball, but there was no Pokémon inside!

"What the? Drake, open the other Poké Balls", said Prof. Jade as she saw the empty inside of the Poké Ball.

Drake opened the other Poké Balls just to see two more empty capsules. "I'm sorry, Drake, but you'll have to wait until tomorrow."

"Oh well. I'll go home now." With a sigh, Drake walked out of the lab. Just as he was walking out, a Treecko ran by him. Drake knew something was wrong, so he went after it...

PART 2 COMING SOON

 

[BladeAkio99]

Okay, lets see what I can do here. *cooks macaroni*

lets start off with the entire block itself.
The way the story was written makes it looks unappealing and make it seem dull. the paragraphs are bunched into one mass block which makes it hard to understand when a scene change.

One thing about dialouges is that each character has their own paragraph to speak.

I.E.

"Get down here this instant!" ____ said.

"No!" I responded back and slumped on my bed. "Just, leave me alone!"

"I'm giving you to the count of three! One, Two..."

etc.

Okay, I brought this long enough, so lets just get to the story.

ADJECTIVES!! YOU HAVE SOME!!!! yay. Hearty breakfast, cream-colored table, etc. shows vibratant illustration in the readers mind. keep that up and your story should improve.

I am a bit edgy on the dialouges, especially at the beginning

"Wake up birthday boy!" "Just a few more minutes, Mom!" "Drake, if you don't get up soon, you won't be able to get your first Pokémon!"

. From what I understand is, Drake needs to wake up, and suddenly he exclaims a few more minutes mom.

It could be me and I think that moaning or groaning or something like that after Drake's dialogue would guide the readers some more. (If it was me, I would be up, unmade bed, skipping breakfast, and dashing out as fast as I could for my pokemon XD)

"I'll take the Treecko!" "Good choice!", the professor responded. Drake opened the Poké Ball, but there was no Pokémon inside! "What the? Drake, open the other Poké Balls", said Prof. Jade as she saw the empty inside of the Poké Ball. Drake opened the other Poké Balls just to see two more empty capsules.

This here, made me think of one thing and only one thing; he is getting a pikachu. *cliche approaching*. But it turns out rather different as that progressed.

I don't have much else to say (I rarely review stories.), but I would say that you should keep up your story, define your character(s) some more, and work on adjectives and adverbs, and you could conjure up a very good story

Thanks. :)

 

[[Your Name Here]]

Thanks for the reply. I've edited the story a bit to make it easier to read.
Now it's time for:

CHAPTER 1 (PART 2)

There must be something odd going on, thought Drake to himself as he chased the Treecko. As he chased the Treecko, his surroundings got less farmiliar. After sprinting through the forest for two minutes, Drake found himself at an rustic, old shed without any windows that looked like it was abandoned. The Treecko saw him, opened the door and flew in the shed. Treeckos can open doors?!?, thought Drake as he entered the shed.

"Hello?" yelled Drake.

No reply. Drake had the door half-opened when two men came and grabbed him from behind. He was trying to escape, but these men were very strong. Suddenly, a light turned on and these "men" were two Pokémon- a Nageki and a Dageki! Two seconds later, a man came out. He was wearing a mask that really kept his identity a secret, an elegant-looking purple cloak and black pants.

Drake tried to scream, but then the man barked out, "Nageki! Make that brat shut up!", and the Nageki covered his mouth. His hand became stiff and would not move, even when Drake tried to shove it out of the way.

"Well, well, well! Look at this! A trainer came into my trap! Were you looking for my new Treecko?"

The masked man grabbed the Pokémon Drake was chasing from behind a few crates and firmly clasped it.

"At least this weakling has some use. Now, to strip you of your Pokémon."

He went for Drake's pockets and found a Pokéball. The villian opened it to see there was no Pokémon.

"You don't have any Pokémon? Oh, well then, you know I'll have to hold you hostage here for a few days."

The man got some rope behind some stacked crates and was ready to tie poor Drake up, but behind him...

"TREE-CKO!!" cried the Treecko as he put a bag over the man. Pokéballs slipped out of his pockets and fell out of the floor.

The evil man was able to grab his last Pokéball and open it. Out came a Zoroark. "Zo-roark!" grunted the Pokémon as he came out of the capsule.

The Treecko opened up three of the capsules and a Torchic, a Mudkip and a Grimer came out. "Tor! Tor!" "Mud-kip!" "Grimer! Grime!"

"Zoroark! Restrain that bratty Pokémon!"

Treecko told the other Pokémon to attack Zoroark, Nageki and Dageki. They all used Tackle with all their might and all three fainted.

The Treecko came close to Drake and rubbed up against him for some reason.

"It's all right", answered the boy. "I'll call the police."

"Well, I'll just leave now, since there's no chance of me winning here", said the man.

Drake asked the man, "Before you leave, tell me what your name is."

The man replied, "Look, brat. To you and everyone else, it's X. I'm not stupid enough to tell you my real name. Now run along and don't tell the police about this. Or I'll find you and you'll never see daylight ever again. Got that?"

Drake backed away from the door and answered with a nervous look on his, "Uh-uh-Okay X S-suh-suh-suh-sir."

X replied with, "Now that's a good boy. And don't tell your friends or family about this either. 'Kay?"

Drake backed farther away and replied with, "Uh-uh-okay."

"Now that's a good boy." And in a second, X was gone.

Drake took the Treecko, the Torchic, the Mudkip and the Grimer to Professor Jade. She was elated to see that Drake had the Treecko and the other starters.

"Drake! You got all of the remaining Pokémon! And you even got another Pokémon! I'm impressed. Well, now you can get your Treecko. Here. You can even get Torchic and Mudkip. That reminds me of another boy that got three Pokémon from me as well. His name was Ivano."

"Who's Ivano?" asked Drake.

"You haven't heard of my nephew Ivano? He's the new champion. I'm proud of him, but he's been acting bit odd lately. Ivano hardly has time to challenge trainers, so the Marble Plateau is closed. He's been running off with his Pokémon- a Jaroda, a Enuboo, a Daikenki, a Desukaan, a Dusknoir and a Zoroark."

"That's funny- I saw a-" Danny cut the sentence short and asked,

"Could you keep this between you and me?"

"Okay, Drake. What is it?"

"I was kidnapped by a man with a Zoroark, a Nageki and a Dageki."

Prof. Jade stood with a shocked expression on her face.

END OF CHAPTER ONE

 

[RulerArceus]

Nice Fanfic, Slick. I never comment on Fics, so consider yourself lucky.
​

 

[123wert50]

Awesome, dude! I enjoyed reading this.