Pokémon Yellow Stone (Pg-13 Blood Violence.)

[Sir Pikachu]

Pokémon Yellow Stone Ch.1​

"Stay with me Pikachu" shouted Justin. He never liked to send out Pikachu to battle. It was his only close friend after "the incident". He never talked about the incident, but he thought about it frequently. In fact it was the only thing on his mind. He just kept on torturing himself by re-playing that horrific day in his mind. It all started when he moved to Pacifidalog Town.

Every little boy and girl had a water Pokémon. He just stuck with his excessively bright yellow Pikachu. It wasn't his only Pokémon. He also used his Torchic. But then it happened. Nobody ever saw that big green snake. It was high in the sky and was start massive flood every two year on May 20. Always that day and no other. But one was too severe. Nobody would have thought it can get this bad. It was the day Pacifidalog went under sea level.

Water everywhere and Justin's small frightened family would hide in there home.

"Mama, are you ok?" asked his little brother JohnathanNathaniel.

"Hunny a terrible thing may happen,"she took a huge gulp "We may never see papa again."

Justin let out a terrible whimper. His father earlier went out to sea with the gym leader Jose. They went with their Pellipers, to try to fly up and battle this creature. As always Mama was right. Papa never returned. The house was swallowed. But along with the house and belongings and there whole life. His last relatives were gone.

He thought he was going to die. In fact he WANTED to die. He at the time thought it was better that dealing with the irony of living alone. But something kept him alive. Some ambition. Some power like a mighty creature let him borrow. He swam up. Using every once of his strength. But to his surprise a Pelliper flew up write to him. It had a Wingul print on it. It was written with blood.

"Son, I have died." It read "Don't cry, it's not worth it. Not at all. I just want you to die with honor and pride like I did. And if you don't, remember I'm always proud of my little boy. Love- Dad".

But how did his dad know he was going to live? He knew his dad was in a happy place where Pokémon and people live in harmony. He was already looking down on him.

 

[Post Office Buddy]

Hello, I can tell that you are new here, so let me be the first to welcome you to the Pokemon Fanfiction Forums. I am about to do a review on this chapter that you have posted, and in doing so am quoting the full chapter since it really isn't that long. Remember, this is not to make you look bad or anything, it's to help you improve your writing.

Luckily for you, I have simplified my key. Anything red and bold will be things I have added in, mostly punctuation, anything in bolded parenthesis are suggestions/comments, and anything underlined should be omitted. I hope this helps you!

"Stay with me Pikachu," shouted Justin. He never liked to send out Pikachu out to battle. It was his only close friend after "the incident". He never talked about "the incident," but he thought about it frequently. In fact, it was the only thing on his mind. He just kept on torturing himself by re-playing that horrific day in his mind. (You need a better transition. Maybe you should talk more about his Pokemon in this paragraph instead of the next one. Also, describe things around Justin at the point where he tells his Pikachu to stay with him.) It all started when he moved to Pacifidalog Town.

Every little boy and girl had a water Pokémon. He just stuck with his excessively bright yellow Pikachu. It wasn't his only Pokémon; he also used his Torchic. But then it happened. Nobody ever saw that big green snake. (Maybe it would be better to state something like "Nobody had ever seen that big green snake before. Kind of a weak sentence anyway, but oh well, to each his own.)It was high in the sky and was started a massive flood every two years on May 20. Always that day and no other. But this one was too severe. Nobody would have thought it could get this bad. It was the day Pacifidalog went under sea level.

Water everywhere and Justin's small frightened family would hide in there home. (A revision of this sentence is much needed.)

"Mama, are you ok?" asked his little brother Johnathan Nathaniel. (space between the character's first and last name.)

"Hunny, a terrible thing may happen,"she took a huge gulp "We may never see papa again."

Justin let out a terrible whimper. His father had earlier went out to sea with the gym leader, Jose. They went with their Pellipers, to try to fly up and battle this creature. As always, Mama was right. Papa never returned. The house was swallowed. But along with the house and belongings and there whole life, his last relatives were gone. (Perhaps something like "had disappeared" would be better.)

He thought he was going to die. In fact, he wanted (Italicizing has the same, if not greater, effect on the reader as capitalizing. Plus, it looks cleaner.) to die. He at the time thought it was better than dealing with the irony of living alone. (Wait, what happened to his mother and brother? Didn't explain that...)But something kept him alive. Some ambition. Some power like a mighty creature let him borrow (Awkward sentence...). He swam up using every once of his strength. But to his surprise, a Pelliper flew up right to him. It had a Wingul print on it. (Am I to assume that the Pelliper was carrying mail? If it is, then state that it is.) It was written with blood.

"Son, I have died," It read. "Don't cry, it's not worth it. Not at all. I just want you to die with honor and pride like I did. And if you don't, remember that I'm always proud of my little boy. Love- Dad". (Although the "that" is generally implied, it sounds a little rugged if you don't include it.)

But how did his dad know he was going to live? He knew his dad was in a happy place where Pokémon and people live in harmony. He was already looking down on him.(More wondering on Justin's part would have been nice. Perhaps some speculation about how his father could have known.)

Anyway, interesting plot, some minor errors, a few major ones, but each writer has his or her problem spots. If you need a beta reader, just PM me since I don't do anything else past 11 o'clock PM anyway. If not, then PM me anyway so I know you're not interested. I only make this offer once a month or so, so feel special. I look forward to seeing your next chapter!

 

[Sir Pikachu]

thanks man. ill take it. Ill send chapter 2 later when i write it