Pok?mon: Dark Shadows

FusionSonicX

Shadow Pok?mon Trainer
  • 13
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    20
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    • Seen Jun 23, 2006
    Well, I've decided to grace this board with my fanfic, Pok?mon: Dark Shadows. Now, to clear things up, this has nothing to do with the soap oprea, the name just fits it. So, here is the prolouge for my fic. Please enjoy!


    Prolouge






    She was beautiful. I stared at her through my silver visor. The girl was standing in a blue tented tube staring back at me, trying to figure out who I was.

    She had beautiful shoulder length brown hair with a white highlight on the side. The girl was also wearing a black necklace with a gold, half-moon dangling from it. Her purple shirt was covered with a blue jean jacket that was outline with pink fur. She had on a white mini-skirt and black socks with pink high-heel boots.

    I was the one who had brought her here, here to the Shadow Lab. I was a member of the infamous Team Snatch who had joined forces with Team Shadow over years of fighting each other.

    "Neo, stop staring at the girl!" a man yelled over to me. I looked at him and it was Saturn, Agent Saturn to be exact. Saturn had an odd style of clothes and hair. He was wearing a black disco suit with black boots. Saturn had a afro hair that was almost three times the size of his body, it was red and white mixed together. His chocolate skin always seemed to blend in with the outfit.

    "Why is that, old man?" I questioned him. Saturn walked over to me and backhanded me in the face, leaving a small red mark on my check.

    I fell to the ground on my knees. I eyed the armor on my left arm and decided to use it as a weapon. I quickly jumped up to my fight and punch Saturn hard in the stomach with the edge of my arm armor.

    Saturn fell to the ground and grunt, "Donnie, Cher! Get him now!"

    Two teenagers stood behind Saturn dressing in black armor. Donnie had short brown hair with blonde highlights at the tips while Cher had flowing blonde hair.

    They both ran towards me and grabbed my arms. I pulled away from them but they would never let go. Saturn came towards me with a metal pole and raised it above his head. He swung it down upon my head... hard.

    I looked at the corner of my eye and saw the girl covering her mouth with a small tear rooling from her eye. I smiled as my eyes rolled back into my head. I slowly blackedout, the last thought in my head was, Please, don't run your sick experiments on her like you did on me... please.
     
    This is pretty good for a prolouge! nice descriptions and I will be expecting of a pretty orignial plot. ;)

    I'm hoping to read more from your work here!
     
    One of the fewer fanfics in PC that actually has details (which is worth celebrating about)... Now criticism before the "good job":

    -the last sentence should be on a seperate line... not that this is a big deal, but it really increases the emphasizes on an important sentence if it stands alone as a paragraph

    -never bore your audience with a whole paragraph of character/setting descriptions... mix it in with other stuff. The plot is coming to a halt every time a "description paragraph" happens, which tends to decrease the interest within your readers. If possible, try to aim for something like...

    "A dark figure wrapped in a long, black, hooded cloak ran through the
    woodland almost silently, the robe-like mantle secured at its waist, its
    lower folds flapping gently behind like a floating shadow. The only sound
    was the dry vegetation softly crunching beneath thick, black boots as it
    followed the trail onward. Golden-brown eyes took wide sweeps, observing
    the desecrated area. A small, brown backpack was adjusted briefly by a
    hand as it sped up the pace. The quarry was close..."
    ~Pokemon MASTER, Ch.1

    Of course to achieve something like this is near impossible as Acey is probably the best fanfic author that I've seen ^^ But the point is to mix it in with action. In the quote, there's action taking place when there's description. Just try to make sure that in a sentence with character description, "is" or "have" should never be the only main verb in sentences like that.


    Now let's revitalize your spirit by stating the good stuff...

    -Great job on keeping the identity of the mysterious protagonist. For all we know so far is that the protagonist is certainly closely related to Team Snatch/Shadow (whatever the name of the team will be after they combine forces), yet suddenly the protagonist rebels for mysterious reasons... This certainly motivates your readers to continue reading.

    -This is a great cliffhanger scene... I believe that not much explanations needed regarding why it's a good one


    Just keep on writing ^^ This is probably the second fanfic that has interested me on PC in the fanfic section ^_^
     
    oni flygon :: If you liked that, stick around cuase it's only gonna get better. Trust me!

    frostweaver :: I'll try the description/action thing in Chapter 1. I havn't decided the name for the combo teams yet but Team Snatch will be renamed to Team Snag.

    Thanks for the reviews,
    -FusionSonicX
     
    News from the front my readers. There may be a delay in the first chapter becuase I'm getting a new CPU tomorrow or Tusday. Next, I've decided to change the plot Chapter 1 just to keep you guess on what happened after the prolouge. So, to cure your wait, I have tites for the next five chpaters!

    Chapter One: Outskirt Stand! The Origin of a Hero
    Chapter Two: Journey to Phenac City! Insect Pok?mon Master
    Chapter Three: Betrayl of the Shadows! The Bite of Umbreon
    Chapter Four: The City of Soul Water! Phenac's Contest Showdown
    Chapter Five: Phenac City's Gym Battle! Circuit to the Tidal Badge



    -FusionSonicX
     
    Okay folks, my new computer will be here tomorrow(hopefully) and I will begin writting the first chapter. So, I decided to give you a summary for the next five episodes. Enjoy.



    *Major Spoilers*
    BEWARE
    DO NOT CONTINUE IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW

    Chapter One: Outskirt Stand! The Origin of a Hero
    Team Zero is on the run for Neo after he steals their Snag Machine. Only miles away from the Outskirt Stand, Neo discoveres the captured girl from a year ago who is aso on the run from Team Zero. She learns the origin of Neo and they both decide to go on a Pok?mon journey.

    Chapter Two: Journey to Phenac City! Insect Pok?mon Master
    While traveling to Phenac City to earn his first badge and Ashley's first contest ribbon, the Track Bike breaks down and they are stuck in the middle of a forest that belongs to a crazy Bug trainer. Can they survive his Web slinging attack? (Don't pardon the pun.)

    Chapter Three: Betrayl of the Shadows! The Bite of Umbreon
    Finally on the road again, Neo and Ashley take a pit stop at a nearby Pok?mon Center and meet an old friend from Neo's past. When this friend reveals he had Neo's stolen Umbreon, a battle breaks out.

    Chapter Four: The City of Soul Water! Phenac's Contest Showdown
    After making a new friend, Neo, Ashley and Shawn make it to Phenac City, finally. Ashley signs up for the Pok?mon Contest but there is a little problem, a co-ed hotel room. When finding a pair of handcuffs, Ashley locks herself to the bed and lost the key! Will she miss her Contest?

    Chapter Five: Phenac City's Gym Battle! Circuit to the Tidal Badge
    Finally, the moment he's been waitting for, Neo's gym battle with Mia. The explosive gym battle begins but ends with an odd twist of fate.

    Wanna know more? Just PM me and I'll tell you all kinds of spoilers. Other than that, get ready for the premire of Chapter One on Friday.

    -FusionSonicX
     
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