[Pokémon] Pokemon; A Johto Dream

[ROBO-BOY]

Episode 1; A Monkey to the rescue!





Taylor Manton was just like every other 13 year old boy in Ecruteak City. He attended the Trainer's school, and regularly camped near the two Towers or Mount Mortar, hoping to glimpse some wild Pokemon.

But today was different. Taylor, and his twin sister Abagail, were going to recieve their first Pokemon today. Their father, the leader of Ecruteak city's Gym, Michael, was taking them out to the route just below the city.

Taylor and Abagail were so excited that they couldn't eat their mother's gourmet cooking.

"Don't be nervouse dears," said their mother, Krystal, trying to calm them down, "You've been waiting for this moment your entire life!"

"We know mum," replied Taylor, "but we just can't help it! I'm so nervous. How where you when you recieved your first Pokemon?"

"Well, my experience was a little different." she said, wiping the wasted food off the children's plates and into the family Growlithe's bowl.

"How so?" asked Abagail, suddenly intrigued by the conversation.

"Well, I grew up in New Bark Town, near Tohjo Falls. I recieved my first Pokemon from Professor Elm. I've had Meganium with me ever since. Of course, it was a Chikorita at the time."

At that moment, Michael walked in, holding two empty pokeballs.

"Here." he said, throwing one each to Taylor and Abagail. "It's time to go. Say goodbye to your mother."

Taylor's mother ran up kissed him on the cheek.

"Eww, MUM!" yelled Taylor, backing away before she could strike again.

Abagail, knowing better, left with a mere "Bye".

It took them almost no time at all to reach the edge of the city, seeing as they lived there.

"Excited?" asked Michael, as they stepped into the trees.

"Of course!" exclaimed Taylor.

"Yeah, sure, why not." replied Abagail.

It took them around an hour of trudging through the forest floor, squeezing through tree trunks, and climbing up trees, until they saw their first wild Pokemon. It was a small green caterpillar-like monster.

"Wow!" said an exhausted Taylor.

"Hmm... A Caterpie." said their father.

"A what?" asked Abagail.

"A Caterpie. It's a Bug-Type Pokemon. It can evolve into a Metapod, and then a Butterfree."

Suddenly, a huge bird with a huge wingspan and a long beak, with an even longer neck, swooped down and started pecking at the Caterpie.

"Oh no!" shouted Michael. The next second, he was throwing a Pokeball in the air and shouting, "Come on out, Gengar!"

The Pokeball split open and a Pokemon with dark purple skin, a small tail, and a huge grin appeared before them. It looked like a chubby little boy, minus the tail.

"Gengar, use Shadow Claw!" Michael shouted.

Gengar rushed at the Bird Pokemon, it's claws filled with shadow power. But when the attack hit, it did nothing. Absolutely nothing.

"Of course!" shouted Michael, suddenly understanding. "Fearow -the bird- is a Flying and NORMAL Type. Ghost Type moves like Shadow Claw of Shadow Ball won't have any effect!"

"What now then?" screamed Abagail, "All your Pokemon are Ghost Types!"

"I know" he replied. "Ithink that Caterpie is done for..."

"No!" yelled Taylor, unable to wrap his mind around it. That poor little Caterpie was eating a leaf, and now it's the one about to be eaten!

Suddenly, unamaginably, stars started coming down from the trees. They hit the Fearow straight in the head. The Fearow searched for it's attacker, but just like the stars, sand came down from the trees, forcing itself into the Pokemon's eyes, blurring it's vision.

The trees started to ruffle and a bigger-than-human hand with three fingers snatched up the Caterpie and then disappeared as fast as it had come.

"We'd better leave aswell, before the Fearow notices us." said Michael.

Abagail, Taylor and Michael were now further into the forest than they had anticipated.

"Dad, are we lost?" Abagail asked.

"Well, possibly." her father replied, "but not for long." With that, sent out another Pokemon. This one looked like a ball of purple gas with two eyes and a tounge sticking out.

"Gastly, go and find us the way back to Ecruteak City." ordered Michael, sending the Pokemon called Gastly up above the treetops to look for the city.

"What should we do while we're waiting?" asked Taylor.

"Nido Nidoran!" The sound had come from a bush Abagail was about to sit on.

"What was that?" Abagail shrieked.

Michael observed the bush for a moment, the pulled it up, showing th trio what had made the noise. It was a small blue Pokemon, with a small horn and whiskers.

"A Nidoran." said their father, "And a female aswell. It looks hurt, we should get it to the Pokemon Center in Ecruteak."

"I'll catch it!" said Abagail, rushing towards the feeble monster. She enlarged her Pokeball, and threw it at the Nidoran. The Pokemon, even if it wanted to, was far too weak to escape the Pokeball, and so, Abagail had found her starter.

Taylor was worried now. What if they couldn't find another Pokemon? What would happen if they found one and he couldn't catch it? How long would he have to wait until he could start his journey? Would Abagail already be finished hers?

Suddenly, some rustling came from a bush on the other side of where they were.

"What was that?" asked Taylor.

"It sounded like a Pokemon." said Abagail. "You can have it, I already have the cutest one."

As soon as she had finished talking, a little teddy-bear like creature came out of the bush. It had a marking like a crescent moon over one eye, and it was licking honey off it's paws. It only just seemed to realise that it wasn't alone here.

"Teddi?" said the confused Pokemon.

"It's a Teddiursa," said Michael, seeming to know alot about the Pokemon of Johto. "They hardly ever lose their temper, but when it evolves, it's not exactly the nicest Pokemon."

The Teddiursa was looking at Abagail now. She was pulling an apple out of her bag, and the Pokemon's stomach was rumbling.

"TEDDIURSA!" shouted the Pokemon, leaping for the apple in Abagails hand.

"Hey!" screamed Abagail, leaping back just in time and making the Teddiursa land face first into a tree trunk.

The Pokemon then started glowing, and growing. It's arms grew longer and stronger, along with it's legs. It's stomach outstretched and it's head changed. The crescent moon had changed into a white circle, and changed it's position to the center of it's stomach.

"Oh no." Michael said, "It's evolved. Into Ursaring."

"Wait didn't you say it wasn't very nice when it evolved?" asked Taylor.

Michael gulped. "Yes."

The Ursaring rushed for Abagail, still after the apple.

"Abagail, give him the apple!" her father ordered her. She dropped the apple an ran for cover as the huge pokemon ate. However, with it's bigger size, it now needed more to eat. And it could smell the other fruits in Abagail's bag.

Just as it was about to rush at her, stars came from behind a bush and shot at Ursaring.

"URSAAAAA!" it yelled, as it was knocked over by the force of the stars. As soon as the stars had come, apokemon with a big, three fingered hand on it's tail, with purple fur and in the shape of a monkey emerged out of the bush.

The new Pokemon looked angrily at the Ursaring.

"Ai Aipom Aipom Ai!" shouted the Pokemon.

"Ursa, Ursaring!"

"Ai, Aipom!"

Suddenly, the Ursaring ran away.

"Thank you Aipom." said Michael.

"That's an Aipom? I've read about them at school. They're not that common a sight, even here." announced Taylor.

"What's it matter?" asked Abagail, "catch it already."

"No." said Taylor, "This forest needs Aipom."

"I don't know Taylor, You do need a Pokemon, and this may be your last chance." said his father.

"...No, this forest needs Aipom. I'll wait another year."

"Ai, Aipom."

"Taylor, I think Aipom wants to go with you." Michael said.

"But why? Why would he want to leave his home?"

"The same reason you do." said Abagail, smiling, "Adventure."

Taylor enlarged his Pokeball, Aipom staring straight at it. Taylor hesitated.

"What if I can't do it. What if I can't get all the Gym badges?"

"Then you try again, and again, and again if you must." said his father. "He obviously believes in you."

"Ok then." said Taylor. "Go, Pokeball!"

Beep. Beep. Beep. Ding.

"Alright, I just caught, an Aipom!"

*

Gastly had soon returned, showing them the path back to Ecruteak. Abagail went with Krystal to the Pokemon Center, and Michael helped Taylor start training to be a Pokemon Trainer.

It had been a long day, and tomorrow would be longer, because then, he would truly start his Pokemon Journey.




(Just so you now, I'm 12, so plz, nothing too harsh)

 

[psyanic]

I need to start reviewing again... Okay I won't say anymore, time to get this review started.

One thing in your story that kind of bugged me was that a few things didn't make sense, at least in terms of the Pokemon world. For example:

Taylor Manton was just like every other 13 year old boy in Ecruteak City. He attended the Trainer's school, and regularly camped near the two Towers or Mount Mortar, hoping to glimpse some wild Pokemon.

Pokemon are like animals, and like animals we see animals almost every second of your lives. Okay, that was a total exaggeration but still, Pokemon aren't a rare thing. Pidgey are as common as pigeons. I think it would have been better to say hoping to look at rare Pokemon.

But today was different. Taylor, and his twin sister Abagail, were going to recieve their first Pokemon today. Their father, the leader of Ecruteak city's Gym, Michael, was taking them out to the route just below the city.

The first clause, which I bolded, does not need commas around it. When you use and in this case, it conjoins subjects. When you have two subjects, do not put commas around one of them. As for the second time I bolded, I thought it was kind of too wordy. Well, not really too wordy. I think it sounds kind of awkward. "Their father Michael was the Ecruteak City Gym Leader" helps it flow.

Taylor and Abagail were so excited that they couldn't eat their mother's gourmet cooking.

I thought that this description was weak. Remember, going on a journey for who knows how long is a big deal. Putting in a sentence really dampens the emotions and the feeling. Try elaborating a bit more. Saying how this morning routine for the twins was different from any other morning would be a good start, rather than just them not eating.

This also happens when the twins actually do leave. Michael just says, "Okay, say bye!" And then they all just leave. Try conveying something. I mean if they just do things, it's boring. If they do things with some kind of depth, that's when it gets interesting.

"Don't be nervouse dears," said their mother, Krystal, trying to calm them down, "You've been waiting for this moment your entire life!"

The correct spelling is "nervous".

"We know mum," replied Taylor, "but we just can't help it! I'm so nervous. How where you when you recieved your first Pokemon?"

First, the correct usage would be "were". Where would identify was a location, whereas "were" would be the verb usage. Also, the spelling is "received" for the second bolded word.

"Well, my experience was a little different." she said, wiping the wasted food off the children's plates and into the family Growlithe's bowl.

I bolded "she" here because it should be either capitalized or the period in the dialogue should be changed to a comma. Either way, you'll have to change something. And I thought it was weird you put in the Growlithe's bowl (another contradiction about catching glimpses of Pokemon...) and the Growlithe doesn't actually show up.

Abagail, knowing better, left with a mere "Bye".

You need a comma before the quotation marks and the period should be within the quotation mark.

It took them around an hour of trudging through the forest floor, squeezing through tree trunks, and climbing up trees, until they saw their first wild Pokemon. It was a small green caterpillar-like monster.

Again, that's a long time just looking for bugs or something. And the comparison for a Caterpie to a monster... well I'm not sure if you were trying to be funny or not. I'll leave that to you. I guess what's stranger are the twins' reactions. They are enamored by a worm. They must have been holed up in a cell for thirteen years, eating goop and rats.

Suddenly, a huge bird with a huge wingspan and a long beak, with an even longer neck, swooped down and started pecking at the Caterpie.

What? Just pecking? It looks like the Fearow wants to eat the Caterpie, so why doesn't it just do that? It's got the size and the strength to beat a wormy worm. Just swoop down and gulp. Easy as that.

"Of course!" shouted Michael, suddenly understanding. "Fearow -the bird- is a Flying and NORMAL Type. Ghost Type moves like Shadow Claw of Shadow Ball won't have any effect!"

We know Fearow is the bird. At least I did anyway. And Michael should have understood that a long time ago. He's a Gym Leader. What, you think he's a doofus or something? No, he's got brains. Or something. This is a personal preference, but I hate it when writers take the game canon and take it too seriously. You didn't go as far to say something like HP or another, but the typing and all doesn't mean squat in the actual world. I mean look at the anime. They use attacks that shouldn't work all the time (biggest example being Pikachu zapping Rhydon/Golem/Steelix/etc.), and they do damage anyway. Finally, Gengar should know more attacks than just Ghost-type moves, otherwise that's pitiful for a Gengar. Think logically when you write.

"I know" he replied. "Ithink that Caterpie is done for..."

You're missing a space between I and think in "Ithink". And I feel like these people are taking a Caterpie way too far. It's a worm. They battle Pokemon and battle til one of them faints or bleeds to death (most cases, they faint). Caring for a single Pokemon is like trying to save worms on the road every time it rains.

Suddenly, unamaginably, stars started coming down from the trees. They hit the Fearow straight in the head. The Fearow searched for it's attacker, but just like the stars, sand came down from the trees, forcing itself into the Pokemon's eyes, blurring it's vision.

The word's spelling is actually "unimaginably". As for the next two, they should both be changed to "its" because that form exhibits possession, which you are trying to convey in this case.

The trees started to ruffle and a bigger-than-human hand with three fingers snatched up the Caterpie and then disappeared as fast as it had come.

They freak out when nature takes its course, but they're okay with a random hand grabbing the Caterpie they adore? Huh.

And that's about all I have the patience for. Also I'm getting very tired and I need to travel for a few hours to take some entrance exams... Your story is... just a story I guess. The problem is there's nothing that makes it stand out. Sure, some stories don't really need to be different to be good. In fact, that's the case with all stories. But you're lacking a few things.

I'd advise you to proofread your story before posting to check for all kinds of mechanical/grammatical errors. You can use some kind of spell-checker to help your spelling. That way, readers will have an easier time actually reading your story rather than trying to decipher what you meant in some sentences.

Next, you need some kind of depth and motivation and description. There's almost no description in your story, and describing a Pokemon does not count, especially when the Pokemon is just a typical Pokemon. I wouldn't bug you about this if you described how each Pokemon is different from the standard or something. But that didn't happen so I'm saying this right now: describe other things. Describe how the summer breeze blew in the calm forest, the leaves rustling together as the family ventured deeper into the foliage. Keep it interesting with imagery as well as characters and their interactions (which you had very little, other than talking).

I also thought that the story was very cookie-cutter, and that's not really a good thing. In fact that's a bad thing. That would imply that their world is perfect and almost nothing goes their way and the characters happen to possess insane amounts of sheer luck. They all happen to get a starter Pokemon, odd ones to be found near Ecruteak anyway. At other times, things didn't make sense. Think logically; I mean the Pokemon world is like ours except they have Pokemon and we don't. That means not much would change, sure maybe a few ideologies and beliefs, but the majority would be pretty darn consistent.

If I sounded harsh... actually I'm not saying anymore of that. Just keep writing and work on improving, especially the basics. The basics being able to form a character, add emotions to those characters, describe events in your own way, but remember to keep a lick of imagery in there or two, and you'll be set.