[Pokémon] POKEMON: APPOCALYPSE OF CYRUS

[Infernova]

APPOCALYPSE OF CYRUS [PG-13]

Introduction

It was night time in the middle of a forest. Two black figures ran through the under growth as fast as they could. Behind came the shouting of both people and pokemon.
"Quick! We must get to the lab before they catch us! Tyson, do you hear me?!" yelled one of the figures.
"No. We don't have enough time, Professor Iato. You go and fire it up; I'll buy us some time." replied the other figure, who's name was Tyson.
"But Tyson, that's suicide!" Iato yelled back.
"Any body can defeat a couple Galactic Grunts." chuckled Tyson. "You get to the lab. I'll deal with these guys."
"If you say so." Iato said before charging into the forest once more.
Tyson waited where he stood. All of a sudden, three hooded figures wearing black cloaks surrounded him.
Oh no. Tyson thought to himself. These aren't Grunts. They're Galactic Hoods. Cyrus' most elite warriors. Well, obviously Cyrus knows we're trying to bring "Him" back.
"Are you ready to die?" said one of the Hoods.
"Not yet I'm not!" Tyson shouted. "Go! Rhyperior!" Tyson threw out a pokeball, and Rhyperior appeared. "RHYPERIOR!" shouted Tyson's pokemon.
Then the Hoods threw out their pokemon.
"Magmortar! Fire Punch!"
"Electivire! Thunder Punch!"
"Weavile! Shadow Claw!"
Tyson and Rhyperior braced themselves for impact. "Goodbye, my friend." Tyson said to his trusted pokemon.
But with his eyes closed, all he heard was a loud wooing sound. He looked up to see three small glowing figures in the middle of the air. Uxie! Mesprit! Azelf! They've come to protect us! Tyson thought excitedly.
Then the three psychics all used Teleport on the Hoods and their pokemon and they vanished.
Tyson and Rhyperior stared at Uxie, Mesprit and Azelf. "Th-th-thank you." Tyson stuttered before the three legendaries vanished. Tyson and Rhyperior looked at each other and Tyson said, "Thanks, Rhyperior. Come back." Then the pokemon went back inside it's pokeball as Tyson started charging through the forest once again. They protected us! he thought. Sinnoh's legendaries are fighting back! They have hope!
Tyson finally came upon a small house with lights coming from inside. He walked up and opened the door. "Doc, I'm…"
"KADABRA! NOW!" shouted Professor Iato.
"OOF!" grunted Tyson as he flew back 10 feet out the door. He hit the ground hard and when he got up, he yelled, "WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!"
"Oh, sorry, Tyson. I thought you were a grunt. Kadabra, come back." replied Iato as he called his Kadabra back to it's pokeball.
"Well, thanks. And by the way, they weren't grunts back there. They were Hoods. And there was three of them. Cyrus is getting scared." said Tyson.
"Well that may be true. Now come! We can't afford to waist any time!"
Iato led Tyson into the house and pointed at a technological metallic tile on the floor.
"That's what'll take you to Earth." said the professor.
"Are you sure?" Tyson asked.
"Yes. It will take you to a place called Central Park in New York City. You'll have one day to get back to the spawn point before the portal closes. Oh, and you will have to leave your pokemon here."
"All right." said Tyson as he stepped onto the teleportation tile. "Fire it up."
"Okay." said Iato. He flipped a switch, and the tile started making a wooing sound.
"Tyson!" shouted the professor.
"Yeah?"
"Just make sure to bring him back." Iato said as Tyson disappeared in a flash of blue light.

 

[Infernova]

"BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!" the sound of an alarm clock filled a small room. Light flittered through window blinds as a 16 year old boy with brown hair rolled over in his bed and slammed his hand down on the alarm clock. "Ugh." he groaned, crawling out of bed and slipping a pair of jeans on.
"MATT! TIME TO GET UP!" yelled a feminine voice from outside the room.
"I'M ALREADY UP, JANET!" Matt replied angrily. He continued to get dressed when Janet barged into the room. She wasn't a pretty sight; the wrinkled skin, the frizzy black hair that always smelled like smoke due to cigarettes, and the yellow teeth and breath that always smelled like alcohol. "I don't care if I'm just your foster parent!" Janet said angrily. "You will call me "MOM"!" Now get your shoes on and get out of here! You don't get breakfast because of the attitude!" and the cruel woman left the room.
Matt waited out on a corner. He was going to school but he was waiting for the bus to pick him up. All of a sudden a large man bumped into him and said, "Watch it, kid!" before continuing on his way.
"I hate New York." Matt grumbled.
A large yellow bus was approaching him down the street, when something caught his eye.
There was another person about Matt's age across the street. He had medium length blonde hair and was wearing a "flat-bill" hat that had a pokeball design on it. And he was staring at Matt. Tyson?! he thought. Then the school bus pulled up to Matt and blocked his view of the other side of the street. He climbed into the bus and sat down at seat with a window facing the other side of the street. The person that had been staring at him a moment ago was gone. No. It couldn't have been. Matt thought doubtingly. He was on Earth now. And he would never see his friend from the Pokemon World ever again.
"RIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGGG!!!!!" The bell had rung to tell the high schoolers that it was time to go to their next class. Matt got out of his chair, picked up his back pack, and headed out of the classroom.
He was at his locker, going through papers when all of a sudden someone slammed his locker shut. Matt looked over to see who it was. Uh oh. he thought.
"Well look who it is, boys!" a large kid said to his goons. "It's little Mattie!"
"Lay off, Jack." Matt replied before walking away.
"Hey!" Jack called.
Matt turned his head around and felt a fist hit him in the face. Hard. Matt fell on the ground, then he looked up and Jack said, "Don't walk away from me when I'm talking to you, loser." And the gang of bullies strolled away. Matt got up, gathered up his stuff and headed to his next class.
"So when we minus A square from D square…" Matt listened to his physics teacher ramble on about, well, physics. He laid his down on his desk and looked out the window. There he was. There was the kid staring at him outside. Matt watched as the kid took out a cell phone, did something to it with his thumbs, then closed it and put it back in his pocket.
Matt felt his phone in his pocket vibrate. He took it out and opened the message that was sent to it. It read, "Meet me in the car. I have something important to tell you." Matt looked back out the window, and watched the kid climb into a car on the other side of the street. Tyson! Matt knew he needed to get out of class, so he made up a quick story. He raised his hand.
"Yes, Matt?" the teacher asked.
"Can I use the restroom?" Matt replied.
"Please wait until the end of my lecture. Then you can…"
"I'm gonna puke!" Matt yelled.
"Oh. Well, then, yes. You may go to the restroom."
Matt ran out of class and out of the school. He walked up to the car and climbed in the passenger side. He sat down looked over and said, "How did you get here?!"
"Long story. I'll tell you in a little bit." Tyson replied, starting the car and taking off. "First I want to tell you why I'm here."
"Let me guess. Professor Rowan sent you?" said Matt.
"No. Professor Rowan is dead." Tyson replied.
"What?!" Matt shouted astonished.
"Now let me tell you why I'm here." Tyson said. "About a week after you left the Pokemon world, Cyrus declared that since you had left the title as Pokemon Champion of Sinnoh, he was to become the next Pokemon Champion. But when we all refused to let him, he became angry and decided to demonstrate what would happen if we didn't comply."
"Cyrus is weak. He probably couldn't even…"
"He destroyed Jubilife City, Matt! With your pokemon that you entrusted me with!" Tyson shouted with impatience.
There was a long moment of silence. Then Matt said, "Ho did he get my pokemon?"
"He sent thieves in the night. The stole all of them from the safe in my house. Any way, after that he took over Sinnoh, and he's been dictating us. There's a warehouse in every city and town holding the pokemon teams of every trainer in the area. Cyrus has made it so that he's the only one with pokemon. But we have a resistance group at the Fight Area."
"Alright so your point is?" Matt asked impatiently.
"I'm here to bring you back, Matt. Because we need your help. Because Sinnoh needs your help. Because you're the only one that can defeat Cyrus."
Matt thought long and hard and finally decided, "Okay. I'll go back with you."

Alright, on a scale of * to *****, how would you rate the story so far?

 

[Astinus]

I have a few minutes to spare, so I'll give you a short review.

One piece of advice is to better separate your paragraphs. Hit the Enter button twice so that there's a blank space between each paragraph. This makes it easier for readers to follow your story without losing their place in the chapter.

Your grammar does need a little help. There were small typos here and there that distracted from the story. Read over your chapters before you post them to catch any typos. If you want, you can even ask for a beta reader to read over your chapters and help you catch grammar mistakes.

As for the story itself, it's kind of rushed in places. You should slow down the narration and describe a few more things, like a few pieces of back story so that the reader has some idea of what's going on. You can even describe what the characters are doing more instead of getting the plot moving as fast as possible. Rushing the story risks making your readers feel confused as they try to picture what's going on.

I'm kind of iffy on Matt's life being that completely horrible in the real world. Not only is he in foster care, but he has an abusive guardian. He's in a city full of stereotypically rude people that are mean to him for no reason. And he's got a bully and no friends at school. It just seems like you're making the real world so horrible that Matt would want to go back to the Pokemon world. It might work better and make Matt more real if he had some connections to the world he had to leave behind.

And how did he get to the real world anyhow? Are there just teleporters between worlds lying around?

It's got an interesting premise, but you just need to slow down a bit to not lose readers from confusion. Keep writing, and good luck!

 

[Infernova]

Thanks, Astinus! Oh, and a note on the teleporters. To get to the real world, Matt had professor Rowan build one.