Pokemon Book 1: Kanto [12]

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    • Seen Mar 26, 2011
    Hey guys! Well, I asked about this in the Writers Lounge, but I got no replies, so I wrote it up anyway. This is an alternate universe of the current Pokeverse, and I hope you enjoy!

    CHAPTER 1: THE SQUIRTLE




    Beep! Beep! Beep!

    The boy yawned, and turned around in his small bed. His hand reached out, feeling around on his desktop. His hand brushed a Bulbasaur figure off the desk, and his book, entitled Hydro Pump: The Guide to Kanto's Water Pokemon. His hand finally reached his Snorlax alarm clock, and his finger pressed down on his head. The beeping stopped, and his hand fell down to his side.

    "Aah…." He sighed, turning over again, appreciating the quiet.

    "LUKAS! IT'S EIGHT O CLOCK! GET UP NOW!" His mother shouted from downstairs. He sighed, and opened his eyes.



    Meanwhile, across the road, a girl and her mother were sitting at the breakfast table. A small Clefairy had a bowl of berries, and was eating them at the girls feet.

    "Are you sure you're not going to go on the trip, Dawn?" The mother asked, as her daughter swallowed a slice of toast.

    "Nah. I prefer to stay at home with Clea," Dawn replied, grabbing the Clefairy and placing her on her lap.

    "Are you sure? I thought you wanted a Jigglypuff?" Her mother asked, pouring some orange juice from a jug in the middle of the table.

    "I'm sure, besides, I can get a Jigglypuff when we visit Cerulean City next month, to stock up on berries for Clea. Anyway, adventure isn't really my thing, mum," Dawn replied, putting Clea up on a stool, and standing up.

    "I'm going to get dressed now, Mum, me and Clea are picking for berries in the grass patch today," the girl said, standing up, and running upstairs.


    Lukas adjusted his cap on his head, and grabbed his scarf off the hook on his door. He twirled it round his neck, and stole a glance at his clock. The Snorlax's chest read twenty five to nine, as he tightened the scarf. He found his bag in one of his closets, and made sure it was empty. He ran over to his PC, and logged on. He typed for a few seconds, and a small drive opened up on the hard drive. Half a dozen potions, and a packet of various berries were sitting in the small opening. He grabbed them, and tucked them away into his backpack. Grabbing his watch, and tightening it around his wrist, he grabbed his trainers, and shut his bedroom door.

    "Lukas, you got dressed, then," his mum said, holding out a plate with a few slices of toast on it. "I made you toast, now eat up, you still have twenty minutes until you leave."

    Lukas thanked his mother for the toast, and ran to the fridge. He took a small carton of juice out, and sat down at the table. He slurped at the carton, and munched on his toast, until he had five minutes to go, before he left for Oaks.

    "Lukas, I made you some lunch for the next couple of days. You don't know when you'll reach Viridian," she said sweetly, adding two plastic boxes to his bag.

    "Mum, Viridian City is like, three hours away. I won't be needing all this food," Lukas said, dusting off his plate, but gratefully took the food anyway. He took his bag from his mother, and stood up.

    "Well, I'm off now, Mum," Lukas said, adjusting his cap.

    "Oh, Lukas, make sure you'll stay safe, won't you? I'll send you money every week by the PC system, okay?" His mum asked, very concerned.

    "Mum, I'll be okay. I'll see you in a while! Bye!" Lukas opened the door, and waved goodbye to his mother, who waved back. He ran to Oaks Lab, and opened the door.

    "Hello?" Lukas said, peering inside the lab. There was a steady sound of talk coming from the top of the lab. At small desks four scientists typed quickly on keyboards, occasionally referring to a textbook, or answering the phone.

    "Hello? Mrs Rickers, you've done this before. No, this isn't the pizza shop. No, Kanto doesn't have a pizza shop. Mrs Rick-"

    Lukas passed a scientist arguing with a lady, and passed a long bookcase. He watched as a boy he didn't know talked avidly and quickly to Professor Oak.

    "So after testing fifteen Caterpies, I discovered that they can not evolve into a Kakuna," the boy finished, as Oak read a pile of notes carefully.

    "Well done Marcus, these are excellent notes," Oak said, handing back the pile of paper.

    "Um excuse me, Professor Oak?" Oak turned his attention to Lukas, whilst Marcus caught his eye on a small red device.

    "Yes, you must be Lukas. You're here for your starter Pokemon?" Professor Oak presumed. Lukas nodded, and followed Oak to a small table near his computer.

    "These are the Pokemon, in these small Pokeballs. Let me summon the Pokemon inside." Oak grabbed one ball off the desk, pressing a small white button in the centre of the ball. The ball opened, and a red beam of energy flew out.

    "Squirtle, the water type Pokemon." Squirtle peered up at Lukas, examining him closely.

    "Charmander, the fire type Pokemon." Another ball opened, to show a small red lizard, with a flame at the end of his tail. "Char," it said weakly, before sitting down on the desk next to Squirtle.

    "This is Bulbasaur, the grass type Pokemon." The final ball opened out to reveal a small, blue creature, with a green bulb on its back.

    'Which one to choose', Lukas thought, looking at each one carefully.

    "I've made my decision. I'll take the Squirtle."

    "So be it, then. Squirtle, return," said the Professor, holding out the Pokeball. "Keep your Pokemon safe in this ball, until you want to battle. You may want to stock up -"

    "Professor, is this the new Pokedex?" Marcus asked, holding up a small red square, with a screen in the middle. There were a few buttons on either side of it.

    "Ah yes, Lukas -" Oak took the Dex from Marcus's hand "-the new Pokedex. You'll need it to identify the Pokemon you meet. Just scan it over a Pokemon, and it will give details on them. Here ya go," Oak handed over the Pokedex to Lukas, who thanked the Professor, and put it in his coat pocket.

    "Now, you may start your Pokemon journey!"

    "Thank you so much," Lukas said, saying goodbye to the Professor as he walked to the door. 'Wow', he thought, 'my own Pokemon'.

    Lukas took the small Pokeball off of his belt, and turned it around in his hand. On the red half, was a small word etched on in blue: Squirtle.

    "Squirtle. Let's check you out. Squirtle: I choose you!" Lukas opened the Ball, and the small blue turtle was back, looking at his surroundings.

    "Squuuuirtle," He said, looking up at Lukas.

    "Hey little guy," Lukas said, kneeling down so he was face-to-face with the small Pokemon. "Want to come see my room?" Squirtle looked into Lukas' eyes, freaking the boy out a bit. He got the feeling this Pokemon wasn't very keen on him.

    "Squirtle," the turtle said, holding his hands out to Lukas, his eyes growing wider.

    "Y-you want me to carry you?" Lukas said. The Squirtle nodded. "Okay…" Lukas grabbed the Squirtle, and lifted him up. He put one arm around the Pokemon's back, so it could look over his shoulder.

    He carried the Squirtle down a grassy road, toward a small settlement of houses. He walked quickly down a hill, and down another grassy road. He turned left of the path, walking past a house.

    "Hey mum," Dawn said, looking out of her living room window, as Lukas walked past. "Lukas has a Pokemon!" Dawn ran to the door, and yanked it open. She stuck her head out of the doorway.

    "Hey Lukas!" Dawn shouted. Lukas stopped abruptly, and turned around.

    "Oh, hey Dawn. Guess what? I got a Pokemon!" Lukas ran to Dawn's door, and held up the small Squirtle.

    "Aww…so, you're ready to start your adventure, then?" Dawn asked patting the Squirtle on the head.

    "Yup. Dawn, you should have came too - they have a really cool Charmander. I was torn between the two! You'll love him!"

    "I don't know, Lukas, you know I'm rubbish when it comes to catching Pokemon," Dawn replied, folding her arms over her chest. "Remember when I kicked that Caterpie when I was five?"

    "Dawn, you were five. You're now ten. Please, will you just take a look at the Pokemon there? You don't have to pick one, honest."

    Dawn looked over at her Mum, who was watching telly with Clea. "Can I Mum?" she asked.

    "Of course you can Dawn. Berry-picking can wait!" Her mother replied. Dawn turned over to talk to Lukas again.

    "Well? You coming or not?"

    "I guess I can take a quick look…"

    "Great! Let's go!"

    Lukas grabbed Dawns arm, and they ran to the steep hill. They began to climb it, as the Laboratory came into view once more.

    "There it is! Come on!" Lukas shouted down to Dawn, as she crawled to the top of the hill. She stood up, brushing her knees off. She followed Lukas, who was already halfway to the Lab.
    Dawn caught up with him, as he knocked on the door. A quick 'come in' from one of the scientists, and Lukas opened the lab door. He showed Dawn to the top of the Lab, as she reluctantly followed. Marcus was still there, examining an ill Rattata.

    "Hello again, Lukas," Oak said, smiling at the youngsters. "Is something up with Squirtle."

    "No no, Squirtle's great. Dawn would like to take a look at the other Starter Pokemon.

    "Oh okay, Dawn. Come over here…" Oak ushered her to the small desk, where Bulbasaur was sleeping, and Charmander was trying to catch its tail.

    "Oh cool…" Dawn said. Marcus stopped attending to the ill Rattata, to watch what Pokemon she chose, if she chose any. Dawn walked over to the Charmander, stroking its side. Marcus held his breath, as she tickled under his chin. Then, she moved onto Bulbasaur, and looked at him idly. Marcus exhaled happily, as she smiled at the Bulbasaur.

    "I think…well…I really like this Bulbasaur."

    "Dawn, are you coming on the adventure too?" Lukas asked.

    "Well…I'll go to Viridian City and I'll see how I get on with Bulbasaur. Is that a deal, Bulbasaur?" However, Bulbasaur continued to sleep.

    "Very well then, Bulbasaur it is. Return." Oak snapped the Pokeball shut, and handed it over to Dawn, who held it in her hands preciously.

    "Yes, Dawn! Now I won't have to go on my own! This is brilliant!" Lukas said, Squirtle also showed a little smile.

    "Um, excuse me, I couldn't help but overhear." Lukas and Dawn turned around, as Marcus stood up from his table. "Are you going to Viridian?" He asked the two. "It's just, well, I know the way there - I live there, you see, and my dad and his Pidgeot aren't picking me up today, so, I could show you the way to Viridian City if you wanted to - I'm going home in a couple of minutes away."

    "Cool!" Dawn replied, smiling.

    "Cool, let me just pack my things. I'm Marcus, by the way," Marcus said, shaking Lukas' and Dawn's hands. Dawn giggled slightly.

    "I'm Dawn, and this is Lukas," Dawn said. "Do you have a Pokemon?"

    "I don't, but my dad has a Pidgeot and a Raichu."

    "That's too bad," Lukas replied picking up his Squirtle from the desk. "Oh, why don't you take Charmander!"

    "I don't know. I'm not really into battling. I'm more adventurous. Although, I do secretly want a Charmander…" Marcus gazed dreamily at the Charmander, who was currently cleaning its paws.

    "Professor, would it be okay if Marcus took the final Charmander?" Lukas asked. Marcus went to protest, but the Professor was too quick for him.

    "Well…it is half past nine, so the other boy that was meant to pick hasn't showed up. Go on then, Marcus. I'm afraid you don't get to pick a Pokemon - so you'll have to have the Charmander." Oak explained.

    "Great," Marcus said, picking up the Charmander.

    "This is his Pokeball," Oak said, handing over a red and white ball.
    "Oh, I nearly forgot. Lukas, you'll need some Pokeballs for your journey." Oak went to his desk, and pulled out five Pokeballs from his drawer.

    "Use these to catch your Pokemon. That Squirtle, however strong, won't be enough to defeat the league."

    "Thanks," Lukas said, taking the balls, and clipping them onto his belt.

    "Are you ready then?" Dawn said, tucking her own Pokeball into her pocket.

    "Let's go!" Lukas replied, running to the door.
     
    Here, I'll just...quote my former review.

    No offense, but the typical '10 year olds w/ rival go on a journey' isn't original. At all. The story is rather tasteless. Bland description, cliché plot, and just boring impression.

    Try again.


    I'm sorry, but it's just boring. These type of stories generally don't appeal. My greatest advice to you is take the idea and make it your own. Don't follow the typical trainer fics; make something out of it!

    Meh. Have fun doing so.
     
    Don't worry Lily, I've wrote about 20 stories on my own, all of which could easily become cliche, and turned out better. Believe me, it will be better that the other 'average' fics. I haven't even watched the anime, so it'll most likely be different.
     
    I liked it, it was better than most of the stories of this type that I have read so far. Although I didn't like how Dawn's mom was so quick to let her start a journey.
     
    Like Lily said, it's pretty boring. I feel like I've read it 5945949 times before.

    If you think it's going to be good, show that to the readers in the first chapter, or they won't even bother to see your best work.
     
    After reading your topic in the Writer's Lounge, I expected something to be different right off the bat. But yet you seem to have stock main character, who wants to go on his journey to train Pokemon. And you have the female character who's squeamish about battling. Just right off the top of my head, you could have made this different by switching the two characters' personalities around.

    One of my gripes with your story is your "lack" of good grammar, shall we say. I was taught many times that good grammar makes a good impression on the reader. If your story has errors of the basic type, some readers would be turned off by it.

    When Dawn is talking to her mother, you capitalize "Mum" if the word replaces the mother's real name. So "Good-bye, Mum" is correct. "Dawn's mum" is correct.

    To make a possessive of a noun, you had an apostrophe and a s. "Oak's", "Lukas's", "Dawn's". You were missing the apostrophe.

    Your grammar with dialogue is all over the place. Sometimes, you're correct. Other times, you're not.

    So far, this reads like a regular old opening for a trainer fic. It's better than the rushed stories that are barely a page long, but there's nothing to set it apart from the other regular ones I've read.
     
    Chapter 2 - Charmander's Easy Defeat

    Lukas breathed in the fresh air, as Dawn and Marcus caught up with him. His Squirtle grinned happily, running into the fields.

    "It's a nice day to start an adventure, isn't it, Squirtle?" Lukas cooed to his Pokemon, picking him up, and putting him down on his shoulders.

    "Squirtle!" Squirtle cheered, laying his hands on Lukas's hat.

    "Okay, Lukas, you're speaking to your Pokemon," a confused Dawn pointed out, as Marcus walked past her.

    "Oh, that's normal. All trainers do it." Marcus explained, grabbing his Pokeball from his belt. "Charmander!" he called out, as the red lizard emerged on the floor.

    Lukas and Marcus began to walk through the fields, Charmander following behind them, and Squirtle, who had fallen asleep on his master's shoulders.

    "Professor Oak says we're not supposed to let them free unless we're in a battle," Dawn objected, running to catch up with the boys.

    "Don't be a goodie two shoes, Dawn," Marcus replied confidently, "my dad lets his Pidgeotto fly out all day, and it returns the next morning."

    Dawn stuck her tongue out at Marcus, and Lukas stifled a laugh.

    "Who is your almighty father, anyway? All you do is talk about him?" Lukas asked, but Dawn interrupted before the blonde boy could answer.

    "He's probably not even his father, Lukas. He's probably some crazy bird lady in disguise!" Lukas laughed hysterically, whilst Dawn challenged Marcus to argue back.

    "You're quick to laugh, you two," he said matter-of-factly, walking ahead. "Doesn't surprise me, after all, you know what they say, simple things please simple people."

    Dawn stopped laughing, and bared her fists at Marcus. Lukas grabbed her arms, as she screamed, trying to run at him. He laughed her off, continuing to walk.

    "I wish I never invited you," Lukas sneered, "you're just a pompous rich boy that owns a few birds. If you ask me, I think one of them pooped in your daily brunch."

    "Now why would I give you the pleasure of watching me become angry at those words," Marcus replied hastily, tossing Charmanders Pokeball up in the air, and catching it in his other hand. "If you're battling skills are as sharp as your tongue, then I'll have a problem, but until them, I'm just dandy."

    "You're so different when you're away from adults, Marcus. You have an attitude, and I don't like it."

    "So what? Battle me, and I may just consider apologising," Marcus dared, tucking away the Pokeball, and folding his arms.

    "Fine. Squirtle, go!" Lukas woke up his Pokemon, and the turtle immediately jumped and ran in between Marcus and Lukas.

    "Charmander, you're up!" Marcus commanded, as his Charmander leaped into the centre, to face Squirtle.

    "Squirtle, use Tack-"

    "Charmander, scratch!"


    Charmander ran forward, baring his small, but sharp claws. He grabbed Squirtle's head, and swiped fiercely.

    "Oh my god!" Dawn squeaked, as Squirtle fell back from the attack, with three small gashes along his forehead.

    "Squirtle! Tackle! Now!"

    Squirtle lowered his head, and charged toward the red lizard in front of him.

    "Charmander, dodge, jump, and scratch!"

    A second before Squirtle could hit him, Charmander side stepped, and jumped on Squirtle's head. As the turtle spun round to find his enemy, Charmander lifted his small hand, and swiped at Squirtle's stomach.

    "Squirtle!" Lukas shouted out, running to aid his Pokemon. Squirtle, still facing Charmander, angrily stuck his hand out at Lukas. The boy uncertainly stepped back, and directed another attack.

    "Squirtle, use tackle once more!"

    "Charmander, scratch!"

    The two furious Pokemon ran at each other, one with his head charging, the other one with two hands outstretched. Marcus and Lukas watched tensely, as the two Pokemon impacted with each other. A split-second later, and Charmander was sprawled on the grassy meadow, his hands still outstretched. Squirtle was panting triumphantly over his body.

    "Yes, Squirtle, you did it!" Lukas shouted, running over to his Pokemon, and picking him up. He looked at the six slashed across his body.

    "We have to get you to a Pokemon Centre, Squirtle," Lukas murmured, returning the injured but victorious Pokemon to his Ball.

    "You did well, Charmander," Marcus said, picking up his own injured Pokemon. A small blue bruise was perched on the top of his head. Charmander winced as Marcus sent him back to his Pokeball. He turned around to walk away, but an annoying voice stopped him in his tracks.

    "Ha! You think you're so special! Well guess what! My Pokemon won over yours, and it will do any day, any time!" Lukas jeered, grinning wildly at Marcus's back.

    "Lukas, you barely won, how can you-"

    "Dawn, this isn't the time! Besides, Marcus, what does your father do, then? You never told us! He probably is some crazy bird lady, he's probably a -"

    "You INCOMPETENT LITTLE CHILD!" Marcus roared, striding up to Lukas, slapping him around the face. "For your information, I let you win! Do you really think I wouldn't tell my Charmander to dodge, like I did do throughout the battle, and it worked effectively each time! Do you really think I'd let him be tackled like that, without some plan! Think before you spit useless insults at me, Lukas, and just so you know, my father is a gym leader in Johto!" Marcus turned around, and walked off in the direction of a bunch of trees. Lukas winced in pain, holding his cheek in his hands. It was bright red with the force of the slap. Lukas knew he was lucky he didn't get a punch.

    "Lukas, are you okay?" Dawn said, putting a hand on his shoulder.

    "Piss off, Dawn," Lukas spat, and the girls eyes furrowed.

    "Lukas, you've been on this journey for twenty minutes, and already you're falling out with everyone. Marcus isn't the only one that is different around adults. If I was your Squirtle, I'd up and leave!" Dawn strode off, in the direction of Marcus. Lukas stopped nursing his swollen cheek, and looked at the two figures walking off. One of them disappeared into the large mass of trees, whilst the other gained upon them. He nodded his head, and shamefully slowly followed them.

    ***

    You've probably noticed the story is taking a different path. Some parts will be darker than I originally thought. I may change the rating as I go on also. Hope everyone likes it more than the first (I will admit cliche), chapter. ACC, sorry for being an overcconfident brat.
     
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    Wow I like this chapter a lot. Even though he seemed ok in the first chapter I just had a feeling Marcus was going to have a different side to him.

    I haven't checked your grammar and stuff, I'm sure someone else will do that, but in the first chapter you said about Marcus' Dad having a Pidgeot, but in the last chapter it was a Pidgeotto. Otherwise it was interesting. Lukas line 'Piss off' made me laugh though, not your average Pokemon insult, like it! :). Keep it up.
     
    Thanks, ukb! His dad has a Pidgeotto and a Pidgeot. I ahave trouble with where to put apostrophies, I'm going to work on that before the next chapter. Glad you enjoyed it!
     
    Let's see, let's see.

    This one was a little more interesting.

    The fact that his dad lets his Pidgeotto out, but not his Pidgeot is kind of weird. It seems like he's one to choose favorites. Just a little observation I made.

    You also didn't name this chapter, like it was a continuation of the first one. I don't know if that was on purpose or what.

    You're also missing a lot of details in battles and other places.

    One more thing: When your characters ask questions, you put a period or an exclamation point at the end. Where's the question marks, man?!
     
    Pidgeot is like his car. It takes him everywhere. So he can't have him flying amok wherever he wants to.

    Oops, sorry, I'll edit that in a minute.

    Thanks people, I can tell I took the right direction from what I previously had. =]
     
    Its not that boring. But I dont see how eating toast takes 20 minutes.
    Also, the beam that comes out of the Pokéball is white, but I guess since you've never seen Pokémon on TV before, I guess you can learn. I really dont see how you couldnt have seen ANY episodes on TV.
    Oak never uses Slang, and if you're reffering to more than one Caterpie, it's Caterpie. No "s" or "es".
     
    Thanks.
    Are you sure? I've seen clips of episodes, and watched the first three, and I swear they were red. Oh well...
    I'll remember the plural thing then. Is that for all Pokemon then?
     
    Whenever I've watched the show its always been a red beam from the Pokeball, and I've seen a lot of the shows. Even in the movies its red. I can remember the odd time when it's been white but almost always its been red. Anyway we going off topic :D Hope you carry on!
     
    I forgive you. *smiles evilly*

    NOW BEG FOR MERCY FROM MY IRON PEN OF REVIEWING!

    Just kidding.

    Anyway, I'm glad you decided to introduce a little more humanity into the story, but be careful not to overdo the whole "dark" thing. Most human beings I know aren't just bags of wangst, and letting your characters go super-angsty throughout the story can be as big a stumbling block as letting them act all happy-happy-joy-joy.

    Okay, this chapter has the standard "First battle", which is a must in every OT fic. The structure basically gives a reason why Lukas and Marcus weren't getting along, and gives a blow-by-blow playout of the battle, which was fairly well done, by the way. Your grammar needs a bit of tweaking, but your fic isn't illegible, and you do have a definite grasp of all the basic rules. (Though I've got to say, I don't quite get how saying someone's father is a "crazy bird lady" would set them off, but hey, Marcus is ten years old.) Anyway...

    Alright, we know Lukas, Marcus, and Dawn are trainers, that Dawn's a bit of a girly-girl, Lukas is a gung-ho trainer, and Marcus is an intellectual, but we still don't know them. People are more then stereotypes, after all. Getting inside your character's heads more often would not only reveal hidden depths, but it would make the chapters a bit longer.

    The battle in this chapter is okay, but the Pokemon obeying the trainers without question has me worried. You need to remember that Pokemon aren't supposed to be robots, completely obedient to the trainer's whim. They are supposed to be living creatures, whether like animals or otherwise, and they all have different personalities. I sometimes enjoy writing the personality of a Pokemon in complete opposition to that of its trainer and watching the sparks fly. While that style isn't for everyone, you need to remember: undeveloped character=bad story.

    I'll go over and find some of your more awkward moments in the chapter, but other then what I've just mentioned, good job.

    "Who is your almighty father, anyway? All you do is talk about him?" Lukas asked, but Dawn interrupted before the blonde boy could answer.

    That sentence is a statement, not a question.

    "He's probably not even his father, Lukas. He's probably some crazy bird lady in disguise!" Lukas laughed hysterically, whilst Dawn challenged Marcus to argue back.

    Alright, no real errors here, but why the heck did Dawn just randomly decide to insult Marcus? Is it because she's ten and immature? If so, you're actually doing a very good job. XD

    "You INCOMPETENT LITTLE CHILD!" Marcus roared, striding up to Lukas, slapping him around the face. "For your information, I let you win! Do you really think I wouldn't tell my Charmander to dodge, like I did do throughout the battle, and it worked effectively each time! Do you really think I'd let him be tackled like that, without some plan! Think before you spit useless insults at me, Lukas, and just so you know, my father is a gym leader in Johto!" Marcus turned around, and walked off in the direction of a bunch of trees. Lukas winced in pain, holding his cheek in his hands. It was bright red with the force of the slap. Lukas knew he was lucky he didn't get a punch.

    Alright, three questions:

    1. Why did Marcus let Lukas win?

    2. What was his "plan" anyway?

    3. Does Marcus know how nuts he is?

    Alright, joking on the last one. I've bolded all the parts in that paragraph that sound awkward or have grammatical errors, so let's go over them now.

    Alright, that first sentence doesn't begin right. I think what Marcus was aiming for was something along the lines of "Why do you think I didn't tell Charmander to dodge? If I had, I would have won!" You used a comma incorrectly in the second "Did you think" sentence, and it should be removed. The rest of it is just plain garbled. Try combining the first two sentences into one shorter sentence, since they're saying the same basic thing twice. Other then that, grammar looks pretty danged okay.

    Good effort. Think you can keep it up?
     
    Thanks.
    Are you sure? I've seen clips of episodes, and watched the first three, and I swear they were red. Oh well...
    I'll remember the plural thing then. Is that for all Pokemon then?

    When evolving, the pokemon turns white.

    When returning to pokeball, it's all red.

    When releasing frm pokeball, the pokemon is white and everything returns to normal shortly after.
     
    When evolving, the pokemon turns white.

    When returning to pokeball, it's all red.

    When releasing frm pokeball, the pokemon is white and everything returns to normal shortly after.
    Thank you for explaining that.

    You never answered my question about the toast.

    Munch...

    10 minutes later

    Munch...

    5 minutes later

    Munch..
    "Dawn, stop eating so quickly!"
    "Sorry mom."

    5 minutes later

    Munch!!
    "All finished!"
    "Dont scarf your food down like a Mightyena, Dawn."
     
    I can't explain that, it's an error in the story. Although I like Dachampster's explanation. Hopefully new chapter tonight coming up people!
     
    Dont rush, ninjaPig. Make sure you use a word processor. Or use the Dachampster.
     
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