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Pokemon: Dawnlight

Rainmuzzle

Pokemon Warrior
  • 6
    Posts
    16
    Years
    Clouds glittered as moonlight filtered through them, rain steadily poured through and landed in the forest and dripped off the moorland into the gorge. The river flowed somewhat roughly, and a dark creature stepped out. A small red body showed quickly and swiftly, dark blue eyes flashed as they touched the light, and the creature leapt into the undergrowth without looking back.

    Deep growling sounded from the place where the creature had fled, the same thing was pushing its way back through the bushes into a clearing, its expression filled with hate and defiance.
    "You thought you could escape me, didn't you? You thought wrong. This is the last mistake you will ever make" a voice muttered carefully. A gentle breeze stirred a dark coat from the trees. A second, larger creature emerged with teeth bared in a snarl.

    "Escape? You must have spiders in your brain to think i would dare flee from you. I was simply-" the red furred creature was cut off.
    "In the pokemon world, there is no use for traitorous cowards!" the darker one snarled menacingly and leapt at the younger, smaller 'Pokemon.'

    "You were always a no - thinker, Bone. There is no denying it, that is your weak point. You have a short temper too"
    Clouds parted to show the two locked in battle. 'Bone,' was a black and grey pokemon known as Mightyena, whereas, the red furred opponent of Bone, was a small pokemon known as Growlithe.
    "I'll show you short tempered, Crest!" Bone growled and jumped onto Crest. Bone began to close his powerful jaws over Crests neck fur, clamping it gently, then getting harder. Crests fur blazed like the sun, it grew hotter until he was covered with a fire that seemed to not affect him.

    "Eat fire, Bone." Crest snapped and ran towards Bone, the fire acting as a shield. He rammed full pelt into Bone, and forced him back towards the gorge. Bone let out a yelp of terror as he felt nothing beneath his hind paw, and he screeched as he flew off the edge. His eyes widened as he fell into icy water, his hot fur stung like a fresh bite as he touched the surface. He plunged head first into it, his legs thrashed wildly as he tried to stay above the surface.

    Crest hesitated, he could not bear the sight of watching his opponent drowning. He leapt onto a ledge and down to the bank on the edge. He waited for the right time - until Bone was in front of him in the rivers swift current. He grabbed Bones scruff and dragged him out, and lay him on the bank.
    "You- You saved me!" Bone gasped in disbelief.
    "I can't let a pokemon die. Even if they are my enemies." Crest sighed, his red fur ruffled in the wind.

    "Th- Thank you, Crest." Bone stuttered, panting in exaustion. He couldn't feel anything on his side that was facing the full moon. He felt too hot and started panting.
    "Wait here" Crest said and grabbed a piece of moss from the edge of the river. He dipped it in and pulled it out again, dragging it over his shoulder to where Bone lay. He covered Bone in the moss, and left a bit for him to drink from.

    Bone licked the water from the moss, and wrapped his mouth around it to squeeze more water out. He lay flat on the floor and closed his eyes, letting the sounds of nature fill his ears and soothe him to make him sleep easier. Finally, Bone drifted into a light unconciousness.
    Crest watched him sleep for a while, before he grabbed a berry and ate it. He left three by Bones nest, and went to sleep...
     
    My computer had a heart attack today. I do not have MS Word installed yet, so I cant check for spelling mistakes. I did not notice any as I was reading, but I am a horrible speller without spell check.

    Grammar wise, again nothing stuck out like a sore thumb. However the chapter is short and you did not describe the environment other than the river and the bush, are they in a forest? You could have described when Bone fell in the river, at least I think it was him. For instance: how far was he carried down the river? Did the river have a fast current? And Bore finds accempance too fast with Crest. Crest may not be a vishous killer like Bore, even so Crest may have a hard time bringing him self to be nice to bore. Saving a life is something that i would do with out thinking, no matter how much I hated the person. But once they were no longer drowning I would leave, not fall asleep. Also was Borne so close to the edge that Crest simply grabbed him, or was Crest standing on a fallen tree, etc?

    You simply need to add more description and you would have a good chapter. You stopped at a good spot. If you added the filler descriptions you would have a decently long chapter.

    ---------------

    I just remember that Firefox has a built in spell checker so here goes:

    leaped not leapt

    gray not grey

    exhaustion not exaustion

    unconsciousness not unconciousness
     
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