[Pokémon] Pokemon Guardians (Season One, Uncut)

[Thorns]

Pokemon Guardians






Introduction

In the world of the Harou, Pokemon of all species co exist in peace and harmony. Ruled by Queen Amuleta and the mystical Elemental Stones,all seems to be safe, that is until the attack of the Black Forces.

When it seemed that all hope had been lost, Amuleta used the stones and fused them together with all the Pokemon to create all powerful warriors that had the power to defeat the Black Force.

But at a cost.

The crystals overheated and sealed away both the warriors and the Black force in each individual stone.

With only one way to set them free, Queen Amuleta sent the stones to another world, seperating the Black Forces from the stones but connecting each individual Pokemon with a human being.

Now, with the awakening of the first guardian, Guardian Nyarth, they must not only find the rest of the Guardians and connect them with their Partners, but stop the Black Forces from trying to sacrifice other human beings to gian the power to get back to Harou and take over the land.

Updates
Coming Soon!

 

[Thorns]

I know it's over a month, but I didn't have enough time a few days ago. Please don't lock.

Here's a snippit of what to expect.

The first version is the uncut version and the second is the cut for the soon to be Pokemon Guardians Edited Season One.


Uncut:
" It's useless. None of my moves are hitting. "

" Give up? It's only a matter of time before I defeat you and your pathetic attacks. "

" Roaring Waves! "

" What the... "


" It's times like these that makes me wonder when evil like you will ever quit. But no matter the time or place, evil will be crushed, by the hands of the Guardians. I am Guardian Cloyster and by the waves of the sea, prepare for the end. "

" Guardian Cloyster! "

"Grrrrrrrrrrrr "

" Guardian Meowth, try your Signature Attack. Maybe that will stop this psycho. "

" Amulet Trigon Beam! "

" Try all you want, it's no use! Sideway Scatter! "

" Oh no! "


Edited:
" How can I defeat something that deflects all my attacks? "

" This is too easy. There's no way you can stop me, sweetheart. "

" Roaring Waves. "

" Who's there?!?!?!?!"

" If you think you've won this battle, your wrong. I am Guardian Cloyster and your evil ways will be stopped. One way or another! "

" It's about time! "

" Alright, Meowth. Finish off this withered witch! "

" You got it, Amulet Spectrum Beams! "

" Nice try, but still no dice!

" It can't be!"

 

[Astinus]

Your thread is not going to be closed since last post was over a month ago. Authors can bump their own threads in this section.

I'm not 100% sure what's going on in your recent post, so I can't review it. I think you're telling the same scene twice, only in different ways? I don't know, because it's not clear.

 

[Thorns]

Well ya, thats a sneak peek of the first scene.

But I'm making two versions. one for people 14 and over and one for people under 14.

I'll be making morew obvious cuts as I finish more.

 

[JX Valentine]

Well ya, thats a sneak peek of the first scene.

*facepalm* Why do people insist on posting work that isn't actually a chapter? Aside from rule breakage here (which isn't my place to tell you about, but I'm just saying), it's just not a good practice. Your readers come into your fic expecting to be entertained by an actual, full chapter -- not a piece, a sneak peek, or an unfinished installment. If you don't serve that kind of thing, your readers will most likely be turned away because there's nothing to comment on. As in, it's all fine and dandy that you want to advertise, but a reviewer's job is to review a whole, complete chapter, not part of one, not a sample, and not a chapter that you'll finish later. We can't work with a chapter/whatever that isn't a complete one because you already know that it's missing everything we could possibly tell you to add.

That being said, I'm sure you know this already, but a chapter shouldn't be only dialogue. If you just have a bunch of heads talking, your readers can't imagine what's actually going on. They can't imagine, for example, Amulet Trigon Beam because we don't know what it looks like -- or what its target looks like. We could be looking at magical girls for all we know (which, incidentally, would be epic but not particularly manly). Moreover, if we can't picture what's going on, we'll be less likely to want to continue reading because we can't really dive into your world. We can't connect with the characters because we can't see what they're doing and feel for them as all kinds of stuff happens. In other words, the less description you have, the harder it is for us to enjoy your story.

Beyond that, don't put spaces after opening quotation marks or before closing quotation marks. For example, instead of something like this:

" It's useless. None of my moves are hitting. "

Do something like this:

"It's useless. None of my moves are hitting."

(Not every punctuation mark has to have a space around it.)

Speaking of punctuation marks, you only really need one exclamation point or question mark at the end of a sentence. Doing stuff like ?!?!?!?! actually makes it harder for a reader to take your work seriously because that kind of thing is frequently parodied.

Beyond that, there's really nothing much else to say. Right now, the reader's got no idea what's going on. I mean, we have the introduction, but I'm talking about beyond that, in your first snippets. It just doesn't pull us in as much as, for example, a snippet of a scene that contains a taste of the action we'll be seeing. (For example, you could show us part of a battle, complete with attack descriptions and the aftermath of said attacks.) If we just get dialogue, we can't imagine what's going on, so our adrenaline won't be pumping enough to come back for more (which is what you want for an advert).

Not to mention that, considering you started this project up in May, you'll want to get a full chapter up soon. I mean, we've just been going on previews and the introduction for over a month. Even if you haven't written all of the chapters, you can still post one and come back to the story later. That would pique our interests much more effectively than... well, a kind-of-sort-of trailer.