[Pokémon] Pokemon Johto Adventures:World in Chaos

[daveyp1997]

chapter 1
The Beginning of the End


I sat outside, watching the Pokemon frolic through the small grass. They had no idea that the legendaries were plotting to destroy the world. Nobody did - well except me. David Presley, I'm from New Bark Town. There's not much in New Bark except for the Pokemon lab and a few buildings. Today's my thirteenth birthday, I didn't want to become a trainer at 10 because I didn't think I was ready but now I have to go or the word will be destroyed. I guess I should explain when I was ten I was pumped to be a trainer but………..My mom wasn't. She convinced me I wasn't ready for a long journey so I decided I'd stay well for my mother's sake. Onto the world being destroyed, I saw Giritina flying by one day when I was 12 and he told me in a weird thought speak <I met with the others, now your world and all of your corrupt people will be destroyed! Soon when I'm at full power I WILL DESTROY YOUR WORLD!>.So basically I figure I only have a few months left. This is my story...

I sat on the edge of the roof "today's the day" I muttered to myself. I hopped off the roof and started to walk to the lab across the street, then jog, then run, then sprint, there were 3 other kids running I had to get there! I slid in front of them all and panted for a moment then opened the door. "Ah.....children I have 6 Pokemon for trainers, luckily there are only four of you I can add the other two to next years roster" Said a man in a lab coat. I walked across the room too two large holders containing 3 Pokemon each, they all had labels in the first were, Totodile, Chikorita, and Cyndaquil. In the second case were, Marill, Bellsprout and Houndour. The man in the lab coat pulled me up first "you choose first" He said in an encouraging tone "ok" I said a little nervously. I stepped over and grabbed Cyndaquil "I choose Cyndaquil!" I said happily holding the ball in my hand. After a few minutes of waiting we got our pokedex's and 5 empty pokeballs each.

As I was walking out of the building one of the boy came up to me "hey can I come with you on your journey? I not very good alone" The boy said "sure but I'm on bigger things then the League" I replied "I wasn't planning on doing the League" The boy said in reply "Well my names David, and you are?" I said impatiently waiting "Jared, my name is Jared" He said "so what Pokemon did you get?" I said "Chikorita" Jared replied. I threw out my pokeball launching out my new Cyndaquil "quil" It said happily "lets walk buddy" I said smiling

I lugged my pack around route 29 "quil……" Cyndaquil said sadly tired from walking "fine" I said picking him up and setting him on my shoulder "quil!" It said happily. As we reached a large tree in the middle of route 29 I noticed a Seedot "time to show your skills Cyndaquil" I said grabbing him and putting him on the ground "tackle!" I yelled as Cyndaquil charged the Seedot "dot!" It screamed shooting seeds at Cyndaquil "dodge those but keep up the speed!" I said as Cyndaquil slid and skid but kept up his pace finally reaching the Seedot's head and crack! It got nailed; I quickly grabbed a pokeball and threw it at the Seedot

Ping
Ping
Ping…

 

[RainbowMunchies]

Astinus is gonna lock this! Did you read anything Astinus said when he locked your last post? You didn't fix any of the grammatical errors in your story whatsoever- you just added on two equally ill-written paragraphs and reposted. :C

 

[Caliban]

Did you read anything Astinus said when he locked your last post?

Lol, Astinus is a she. XD

I like the concept of Giratina wanting to purge the world of corrupt people (that's how it came across to me, anyway), but it might read better if you write it in a slightly more ordered way (e.g. paragraphing and/or line breaks) because it's hard to understand what's happening.
For example, your opening sentence/s:

I sat outside watching the Pokemon frolic through the small grass, they had no idea that the legendaries were plotting to destroy the world nobody did except me.

It's sort of a run-on sentence (something that I'm also very much guilty of in almost everything I write, including reviews) and could probably use slightly different punctuation.
Something more like:

I sat outside, watching the Pokemon frolic through the small grass. They had no idea that the legendaries were plotting to destroy the world. Nobody did - except me.

This example doesn't necessarily show the best way to do things - there are some grammar guides lying around somewhere which could prove useful.


To sum up, I think that your concept is relatively interesting (a few small inconsistencies in there that might warrant a tweak), but that more people would read it if you implement some strategic line breaks and take out some of the run-on sentences. ;D

Good luck with your writing-related endeavors!

 

[RainbowMunchies]

Well, I felt like a jerk for just attacking this story without saying anything helpful. Since Astinus hasn't locked this yet, I assume she (thank you Caliban) either hasn't gotten around to it yet, or doesn't think she has to just yet, so I will review it...

I sat outside watching the Pokemon frolic through the small grass, they had no idea that the legendaries were plotting to destroy the world nobody did except me.
1) The last part of the sentence (nobody did except me) is a parenthetical element, meaning it adds on to the previous clause, so you should separate it with either a comma or an em-dash (--)

David Presley, I'm from New Bark Town.
2) This sentence is a bit awkward. I think I see what you were trying to go for (as if this were him conversing with you), but it's still awkward nonetheless. Try putting in something that hints David Presley is his name.

...I didn't want to become a trainer at 10 because I didn't think I was ready but now I have to go or the word will be destroyed. I guess I should explain when I was ten I was pumped to be a trainer but………..My mom wasn't. She convinced me I wasn't ready for a long journey so I decided I'd stay well for my mother's sake.
3) So which was it? Were you not ready, or was your mom not ready?
4) Don't use so many dots for an ellipsis (...). Three is customary and gets the point of paused speech/thought across just as well.
5) You need to utilize the comma more. The comma can be used for several reasons. I don't feel like explaining them all, so here: (grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm) <- this is an amazing site that tells you all about comma usage (I can't post URLs b/c I haven't posted enough). Basically, commas help keep information straight.

Onto the world being destroyed, I saw Giritina flying by one day when I was 12 and he told me in a weird thought speak <I met with the others, now your world and all of your corrupt people will be destroyed! Soon when I'm at full power I WILL DESTROY YOUR WORLD!>.So basically I figure I only have a few months left. This is my story...
6) First of all, whether it's weird thought speak or not, it's speech all the same, and you need to use quotations. The point of describing voices and actions of speech is so you don't have to write the speech in as obnoxious of a way as possible.
7) This is silly. So Giritina says it's gonna destroy the world, and instead of running and telling someone who could actually HELP, the kid (David right?) decides the best course of action would be to wait a few months, start out with a brand new, untrained pokemon, and then set out into the unknown to single-handedly stop a legendary pokemon from destroying the world when it's at full power!?

I sat on the edge of the roof "today's the day" I muttered to myself. I hopped off the roof and started to walk to the lab across the street, then jog, then run, then sprint, there were 3 other kids running I had to get there!
8) You need to denote speech in the correct manner. When you say something after description, you put a comma, then capitalize the first letter of speech. With this, you would just put a period after roof and start the speech as a new sentence, but here are some examples for the future:
I sat on the edge of the roof. "Today's the day," I muttered to myself.
I sat on the edge of the roof and muttered, "Today's the day."
~If you wanted to continued speech, you would simply start it without capitalizing after the description, as follows:
"Today's the day," I muttered, "that I get my first pokemon."
~In contrast, if you were starting a whole new sentence of speech, you would simply capitalize the next first letter of speech.
"Today's the day," I muttered, "Maybe something amazing will happen on my journey."
/rant

I slid in front of them all and panted for a moment then opened the door. "Ah.....children I have 6 Pokemon for trainers, luckily there are only four of you I can add the other two to next years roster" Said a man in a lab coat.
9)You need to start a new paragraph whenever a new character speaks.


I walked across the room too two large holders containing 3 Pokemon each, they all had labels in the first were, Totodile, Chikorita, and Cyndaquil.
10) This is a particularly bad example of what I was talking about in #5.
11) There's been a lot of discussion on this, but the conclusion is, when you are saying the name of a pokemon as if it is an animal, you do not capitalize it, just as you wouldn't capitalize dog or cow. If you are saying the animal name of the pokemon, and it happens to be the designated name of the pokemon, then you would capitalize it. Ex: The seedot shuffled closer, it's vines continuing to drain Cyndaquil's power.

As I was walking out of the building one of the boy came up to me "hey can I come with you on your journey? I not very good alone" The boy said
12) "I not very good alone" doesn't make sense. Also, you need to put a period after said so it doesn't merge into the next sentence.

Final:
You need to work on using commas and writing speech correctly. Also, your premise for the story is a bit ridiculous, and not very original, so you might want to work on that as well. You could polish it up and make a somewhat decent OT journey story out of it I suppose...

 

[Miz en Scène]

I realise that Rainbow's done a grammatical review on your fic on which I commend her for. Now, I'll post a character analysis and plot review on the various elements of your fic which, and I'll be honest here, is a tad overdone. I mean, Kid gets vision, kid doesn't tell anyone, kid sets of on journey, kid wins and everything's hunky-dory wouldn't make for an interesting read since it's been done so many times before. Your grammar could be better and Rainbow's helpfully pointed that out, but I'm not here for that. Instead here's a breakdown on what I feel you need to improve on.

Overall Plot: First off, the obvious. Why, would the legendaries plot to destroy the world if they're the ones who created it? The 'corrupt humans' is one thing, but I'd imagine that they'd spare Pokémon in which case they might say that they'd destroy humanity. One thing that maybe set your story apart from the other fics of the same plot would have to be the fact that he was tempted to stay at home for his mother's sake, but alas I feel that you could have written that part a whole lot better since it's like one line. Maybe you could add dialogue and some conflict in there and probably a flashback or something. That would at least give your character some dimension as to its emotional disposition. While reading your fic, the plot was all over the place and moved too quickly for my taste.

Furthermore, Giratina doesn't seem like the type who'd gloat or divulge her plans to mortals so I'm wondering, why bother? Why did David not tell anyone? I admit that people would've considered him insane, but now he's going on a two man journey with barely trained Pokémon in order to defeat legendary Pokémon with no gimmick whatsoever. Now onto the fact that this kid decided to join David out of the blue. If he was so intent on being a trainer in the first place, he should've been prepared. Instead, it seems –from the way you portrayed him—that he was actually waiting for an opportunity for some guy to randomly accept his request of travelling together.

Also, Jared seemed to have vanished in the fourth chapter. At least imply that he's still there.

Characterization: Overall, I can't say that I'm really impressed. You could do a whole lot more in this area rather than your characters being flat and emotionless. No matter how much you tried to show that this was how David was feeling and point so-and-so in the fic, I couldn't really feel it because you didn't couple it with enough description. You could for instance, have used some similes or metaphors to show how frightening it was that the world was going to end and you were the only one who would be able to stop it. Something like, 'the fate of the world rests in my hands'. At many points in the fic, even if you said "and he smiled." it really felt kind of rushed to me.

Also, David seems very complacent with this whole the-world-might-end thing. Apparently he can stop to train his Pokémon and dilly-dally like Link from the Legend of Zelda?

Description: Not enough. Seriously. Start off by imagining in your head what the scene must look like. Then, try and describe the parts that stand out the most in said mental picture so our readers will be able to get the same picture. For instance, you could describe his Mom's house for example. And how it looked like before he left. What the weather was like? Did it set the mood of the scene and so on. You don't have to paint us a picture, we only want a general idea of what your character can see so that the readers can be part of the experience too.