[Pokémon] pokemon journey of sarah

[Dark Lemur]

i not sure if this is right forum. English is not my first languageand this my first fic so be nice

this is dark fic it has many dark themes and death and vilence do not read unless you want to

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"wake up Sarah" said Sarahs mom. Sarah was pokemon trainer who was thirteen years old with black hair and nice smile and really pretty. "ok mom" said Sara and she rememberd that she was old enough for pokemon journey because pokemon leage changed age that trainers could leave home and Sarah went to see professer Oak.

"Hi Oak" said Sarah and Oak told sarah that he had only one pokemon left. "It is evee" said Oak and Sarah said it was her favorite and Oak gave her pokeball and sarah let pokemon out. "eevee" said the eevee. "it is so kawaii" said sarah (it is japanese for cute ok!!!)

Sarah walked out of labradory and suddenly mewtwo. "who are you" asked sarah "i am mewtwo and I hate pokemon trainers and I will explode oaks laboratory so that NO ONE CAN BE TRAINER"

"NO said sarah "why do you want to explode lab" "because humans are evil" sad mewtwo" no mewtwo you are evil" said sarah and then mewtwo blew up lab anyway "no" said sarah and saw oak was dead and was Gary. "no why did you do this mewtoo you are evil" said sarah "Shut up or I EXPLODE YOUR HEAD" said mewtwo but sarah not listen and mewtwo shat sichic at her.

"now she is dead" said mewtwo and flew away but sarah was not dead and blacked out and so was eve. then sarah woke up and saw that mewtwo was gone and was sad and sad "mewtwo I will take ravange on u for exploding oaks lab" and decided to train eevee to become stranger than mewtwo even though mewtwo was legendry and so her pokemon journey begun.

 

[Feign]

"Wake up Sarah," said Sarah's mom.

Sarah was a Pokémon Trainer. who She was thirteen years old, with had black hair, a nice smile and was really pretty.

"Okay mom!" said Sara replied. [even saying she yelled back or something] and She remembered that she was now old enough for to go on/to begin/to start a pokémon journey because the Pokémon League changed the age requirements/rules that trainers could leave home. AndSo then Sarah went to see Professor Oak; because it too, was today that she had turned 13. [something like that; it helps to explain reasoning]

"Hi Professor Oak" [I don't think she would have been informal towards him, especially on her first visit to him] said Sarah.

and Professor Oak told/informed Sarah that he had only one pokémon left. "It is an eevee" said/explained Professor Oak. And

Sarah said it was her favorite Pokémon anyway. So Professor Oak gave her the pokéball with eevee inside and Sarah let it pokemon out.

"Eevee!" said the eevee It cried. "It is so kawaii!" said/exclaimed Sarah (it which is Japanese for cute ok!!!).

Finally ready to go, [something like that for continuity] Sarah walked out of the laboratory. And She was suddenly confronted by mewtwo.

"Who are you?" asked Sarah, surprised to see someone, or something strange in front of her [It is good to know how Sarah feels/reacts at times

"I am mewtwo!" The strange Pokémon exclaimed and yet it continued, "and I hate Pokemon Trainers and I will explode destroy/detonate/demolish Oaks [or can have him say 'this man's', especially if mewtwo, doesn't know Oak] laboratory so that... NO ONE CAN BE TRAINER!" [The elipses help to explain the break in the speech to sudden yelling at the end]

"NO!" said/pleaded Sarah "Why do would you want to do something like that? explode lab"

"Because humanity is evil!" said/concluded mewtwo

"No mewtwo you are the evil one." Said/cried Sarah. and then

Mewtwo blew up the lab anyway. [here would be a good place to describe the destruction]

"No!" said/choked Sarah and she saw Professor Oak was dead and was Gary lying dead on the ground.

"No why did you do this mewtwo you are evil!" said Sarah [her eyes still steaming tears]

"Shut up or ... I EXPLODE will remove YOUR HEAD!" said mewtwo triumphantly.
But Sarah did not listen and mewtwo shot/used/[description of action] psychic at her.

"Now she is dead." Said mewtwo and flew away.

But Sarah was not dead, she had and blacked out and so was had eve. Then Finally Sarah woke up and saw that mewtwo was gone. and was sad and In her sadness she said "Mewtwo! I will take avenge on you for exploding destroying Professor Oak's lab," and then and there she decided to train eevee to become stronger than mewtwo even though mewtwo was legendry regardless of mewtwo's legendary status and strength; and so her pokémon journey began.

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review and such: It is always good to practice your English skills. :) Perhaps what you might want to work on most, is noticing when and where a preposition needs to be added (a, an, the etc). Spelling wasn't too bad, but capitalization is something to look out for as well, as well as some punctuation errors. There were also some continuity mistakes (pointed out in the story already). Otherwise I think it works, and is straight-forward. The format I have it in now with the multiple paragraphs is also the way it should be, as new ideas and new dialogue is paragraphable (if that is a word XD).

Doh! I just realized that all my strikouts from MS word, didn't carry over to here... :S Sorry about that.

Also, a suggestion: especially near the end, try to include more detail, into what is occurring in the surroundings.


Hope that helps. :)

 

[Anti-Hero]

There isn't much I can say that Feign hasn't already covered. For one, while there is not a length, it is typically better, and you will get more reviewers if you make it longer. Also, judged on the quality of this, it seems like was typed up in a reply box, yes? I mean, more often than not you can spell check depending on your browser, but you can't grammar check. And, as Feign said, your spelling was up to snuff. If you did type it in the reply box, then I would reccomend using a program like word, and if you can't get it/don't have it, then use open office.

Oh, and another thing, you don't have to always say, [insert name] here said... In fact, it adds more emotion if you say something lie [insert name] yelled, retorted, cried, and etc..

 

[Astinus]

Feign, I wish you had read over your review a bit.

Sarah was a Pokémon Trainer. who She was thirteen years old, with had black hair, a nice smile and was really pretty.

This should be:

"Sarah was a Pokemon Trainer. She was thirteen-years-old, with black hair, a nice smile, and was really pretty."

(Because I believe in the Oxford comma. I do! I do!)

and She remembered that she was now old enough

Why'd you capitalize "she"?

Sarah let it pokemon out.

... "it pokemon"?

"Eevee!" said the eevee It cried. "It is so kawaii!" said/exclaimed Sarah (it which is Japanese for cute ok!!!).

1. Hi, random floating "It cried".
2. Missed separating Sarah's and Eevee's dialogue
3. To Dark Lemur: Author notes, like your "it is Japanese for cute ok!!!" aren't really welcomed in the middle of a story like that. Either cut the information out if it isn't necessary, or fit the information into the actual story somehow.

"I am mewtwo!" The strange Pokémon exclaimed and yet it continued, "and I hate Pokemon Trainers

Why is Mewtwo's dialogue split by punctuation but yet continues as if "I am Mewtwo" and "and I hate Pokemon Trainers!" is all one sentence, but the exclamation point...

skldghsldghsahg;alkjf

Feign, your review confuses even me. You corrected capitalization in some parts, like when "Sarah" needed to be capitalized, but you missed the instances where "Mewtwo" needed to be capitalized. You combine sentences/words weirdly ("I EXPLODE will remove YOUR HEAD", where the stuff in red is what you wrote). And you don't even explain how Dark Lemur can learn when to capitalize a noun or not.

I know you typed this on MS Word, but a little more clarity to the review would be nice. Maybe read it over before you actually post it to make sure everything shows up correctly on the forums? Some parts are confusing to a native English-speaker like me. Imagine how it is for Dark Lemur who's ESL.

And, Dark Lemur, you can ask for a beta reader in this thread who can help you learn English a bit better and at your own rate. Or you could always ask around this section for some help, and we'll be happy to give it.

 

[Feign]

Thanks for the clarifications Asty. Yeah sorry about the crossover problem you two. :S

As for the mewtwo (or Mewtwo) thing, I suppose I had took it under notion that the first time it was uttered, it was as a name, but thereafter as the name of a pokemon, which of course, in Mewtwo's case is probably not the case, seeing as there is only one of him.

On a side note, having just read Peter Pan, I laughed when you mentioned the "I do! I do!" part

Hmmm let me test something:

[FONT=&quot]Afkhsfo h

EDIT: Okay, I see what it was, the strikeout appeared in the dialogue box on PC, but did not carry over to when posting it... Lovely. Good to know for the future though. I'll attempt to edit my corrections this Saturday.
[/FONT]

 

[Astinus]

As for the mewtwo (or Mewtwo) thing, I suppose I had took it under notion that the first time it was uttered, it was as a name, but thereafter as the name of a pokemon, which of course, in Mewtwo's case is probably not the case, seeing as there is only one of him.

Seeing as how it (I'm always tempted to call Mewtwo "he" because of the dubbed anime's voice) said "I am Mewtwo", I would figure that it would be a proper noun.

So, on looking over your review, all instances of "mewtwo" should be capitalized because it's not "a mewtwo", it's "Mewtwo". And that's its name. Even if there were other Mewtwo in the world.

Same with Eevee. So far Sarah hasn't named her Eevee so towards the end ("she decided to train eevee to become stronger") Eevee would be capitalized regardless of what camp Dark Lemur falls in because that's the Pokemon's name.

It's confusing, but I guess I could say "Check over your review" because yay confusion! Just take the time while reviewing to see if you can figure out what the author means so that there isn't any weird parts to the review.

Totally didn't mean to dominate your thread, Dark Lemur.