[Pokémon] Pokemon Legends : The Johto Saga

[jps101]

Hey guys. After some advice from some people, I've decided to do the story by myself. So if you have any feedback on the story, please tell me. But anyways, here it is. The start of the story.

PROLOGUE​

Jordan woke up on the train, as it glided along the rails to Jordan's destination. The sky was dark outside, with stars dimly lighting up the outside view. Glorious mountains and vast forests flew past the view as the train continued it's way to Johto. Jordan's Chimchar "Fireking" was still asleep on the chair next to him. Jordan smiled at the thought of this new region as he glanced out the window, looking at his reflection. HA 16 year old boy, with bright blue eyes, short dark brown hair and he was clothed in a red jacket with black shorts glanced back. His hat was turned to the back, and his hair stuck out from the hole at the front of it. He continued to look at his reflection, but then something caught his eye. A huge Pokemon, soaring through the sky. A white bird, majestically heading towards the ocean in the distance. Jordan grabbed for his Pokedex to check out what it was, but as soon as he got it out of his bag, he couldn't see the Pokemon anymore. Thinking to himself, and wondering more than ever what that Pokemon was, he turned on his Pokegear and looked at the time. It was 9pm. He looked back outside and started to wonder what Johto was like and if it would be anything like his home region of Sinnoh. Jordan had used to live in Twinleaf town, but his mother decided to move after she found work in Johto and Jordan was going with her as he planned to participate in the Johto League. His father was staying behind in Sinnoh with his sister, to take care of their Ranch. He put the radio on and slowly fell back to sleep, listening to the Pokemon Music channel.


A moment later, a hand shook Jordan, and he stirred to see the conductor.
"We're at Goldenrod Station." The conductor smiled. Jordan woke up Fireking and proceeded off the train, thanking the conductor for waking him. It felt weird moving to a new area. But it did mean a whole new adventure for Jordan. His mother had already arrived in Johto a few days before, to set up their new home, and Jordan was going to meet her at the station. He stepped on to the platform, the excitement of a new area filling him as he took the final steps to the door of the train. With Fireking on his shoulder, Jordan got off the train and headed through the bustling crowds of people, towards the exit. He soon realised that Johto was far different from Sinnoh. Goldenrod itself was a giant city, near to the ocean. Giant buildings towering over even bigger buildings. A huge radio tower stood right near the train, and Jordan pondered to himself that that must have been the Goldenrod Tower. Jordan thought to himself on how much more modern than his home of Twinleaf Town. Yet, Goldenrod was not Jordan's destination. It was just a step on his journey. He picked up his bag and slowly headed to the exit of the station. He looked around , trying to get a better vision past the crowd of people wandering the streets but couldn't see his mother anywhere. Suddenly, a hand grabbed Jordan on the shoulder. He jumped and turned around to see his mother.
"Hello dear," she hugged Jordan, "The taxi is over here." She lead him to a road and they both got in the taxi together.
"So how do you like Johto?" Jordan's mother asked.
"It's alright. Seems cool but very different from ol' Sinnoh," Jordan replied, still a bit tired. Fireking jumped onto Jordan's lap and eventually fell back to sleep. Jordan and his mother kept on talking as they headed to their new home of New Bark Town.

 

[bigtukker]

Hmm... It is pretty interesting start. The train travel made an unusual turn, but I don't hope that the reason for this is to allow you to start with Chimchar. If I continue reading this fic I hope I will come to know more of Fireking/Chimchar (Yeah, I'm not really font of nicknames, but that's just me ;)) since it's pretty strange that a trainer comes to Johto with a Chimchar. This means that Chimchar might have befriended Jordan before Jordan reached level 10 (lol) or that they had a travel already and that Chimchar did decide to don't evolve. Or it is something else you're up to, that would be really original imo. I also wonder how Jordan looks like and what age he is. Is it a cute 9-year old boy or is it a puberty-reaching twelve-year old guy. I look forward to your next episode.

 

[JX Valentine]

I don't hope that the reason for this is to allow you to start with Chimchar.

Actually, if anything, it's one of the good points of this fic because it's a clever way to address the problem of giving a character a starter from a different region. Jordan's a new trainer who uprooted and moved to Johto from Sinnoh, and as a result, he has a Sinnoh Pokémon he never really got to use (we're assuming). This is a refreshing change from the usual "went to a professor and got a starter from a different region for no apparent reason" shenanigans.

The only plot hole seems to be why Jordan would move with his family, but it doesn't have to be a plot hole if the story addresses whether or not Jordan was actually a traveling trainer. (As in, was Fireking only a pet up until this point, and did Jordan actually stay at home? This could also explain why he followed his family to Johto instead of stuck around Sinnoh.)

Other than that, let's take a look at the fic.

Jordan woke up on the train, as it glided along the rails to Jordan's destination. The sky was dark outside, with stars dimly lighting up the outside view. Mountains and forests flew past the view as the train continued it's way to Johto. Jordan's Chimchar "Fireking" was still asleep on the chair next to Jordan. He smiled at the thought of this new region. Thinking to himself, he turned on his pokegear and looked at the time. It was 9pm. He looked back outside and started to wonder what Johto was like and if it would be anything like his home region of Sinnoh. Jordan had used to live in Twinleaf town, but his mother decided to move after she found work in Johto. He put the radio on and slowly fell back to sleep, listening to the Pokemon Music channel.

The main problem I have with this paragraph is that it seems rather random. You use it to introduce your character, yes, but other than that, nothing happens in this scene – as in, literally, nothing happens. You'll want to avoid that (especially at the very beginning of your fic) because it ends up sending a message to your readers that there's going to be a lot of filler where there's just scenes that exist to provide backstory.

That and you could potentially integrate some of this information into the second scene. For example, when Jordan wakes up thanks to the conductor, you can explain to the reader why he's on a train. After that, when he wakes up Fireking, you can explain that it's a Chimchar that he's had since he lived in Sinnoh. You can even cover the excitement he's feeling in this paragraph by addressing it as he's stepping outside the station. In other words, you actually could go without this paragraph, and the story would still make sense.

Also as a side note, but when you write paragraphs of a story, you can't indent online (unless you know particular codes to do it). The reason why is because forums and most websites don't recognize that kind of thing, so everything you write ends up being smack against the margins in one long block of text. This block of text ends up being a problem for your audience if you go on for awhile because readers have a harder time getting through a massive block of text that has no indication of paragraphing, especially on a screen. It sometimes makes them go cross-eyed.

Instead, every single time you start a new paragraph, hit the enter key twice instead of once so that you end up with a blank space between each one. You can see an example of it in these past four paragraphs that I wrote. I know you use this technique to separate scenes, but you can probably find other ways to separate one scene from another. Be creative or check out other fanfics to see how they do it.

Anyway, onwards and upwards.

"We're at Goldenrod Station," the conductor smiled.

Dialogue is a bit tricky. To fully understand it, let's separate it into two parts: the quote and the dialogue tag. The quote is everything within quotation marks, and the dialogue tag is a piece outside them that describes how said quote's being spoken. Now, I could give you all the related rules about dialogue, but instead of spending a massive amount of space on it, let me just sum it up with one rule:

A dialogue tag cannot exist without something to indicate it's describing how a quote is being said.

For example, if you write he said, that's a dialogue tag. If you write she asked, that's a dialogue tag, too. However, "smiled" doesn't describe how someone is speaking. It describes how someone looks. So, it's not a dialogue tag, which means you actually need to put a period after "Station" and capitalize the first word after it. Use this tip to help you out with other tags; there's other instances of it in this chapter.

Also, you'll want to start a new paragraph after this. You wander away from what the conductor is doing to talk about what Jordan is doing, so it's a change of topic.

Jordan woke up Fireking and proceeded off the train. He stepped out of the station and saw that Goldenrod was a huge city.

At this point, I'm going to have to stop and agree with bigtukker about something. You're all right with setting description (although it could be better because, well, we can't really "see" what Goldenrod looks like other than the fact that it's big and modern, which could mean anything, really), but otherwise, you leave a lot of details out. For example, we still don't know what Jordan looks like. We never know what his mother looks like, and we don't know what kind of surroundings he's in. It's like you describe far-out places, but around Jordan, there's a black hole where nothing gets described.

Now, the reason why it's important to describe as much as possible is pretty simple. Because your audience isn't you, they need all the help they can get to imagine the world in your mind. The more you describe something to them, the more they'll be able to imagine what it's like to be there. Likewise, the more they can imagine your world and everything in it, the more they feel like they're right there, watching the action unfold. If you can make your audience feel like this, you're a good storyteller. Your readers will want to keep coming back for more, and you'll be able to hold their attention through an entire chapter.

"It's alright. Seems more cool." Jordan replied, still a bit tired.

Strangely, this is the inverse of the problem you had earlier. Notice the word "replied"? That says that the entire phrase right there is a dialogue tag because it refers to how the quote functions – as in, as an answer to Jordan's mother. As a result, you actually need a comma after "cool" because this is one sentence (from a grammatical standpoint).

Fireking jumped onto Jordan's lap, and eventually fell back to sleep. Jordan and his mother kept on talking, as they headed to their new home of New Bark Town.

You actually don't need either comma. The reason why for the first one is because this isn't a compound sentence, so you're separating a dependent clause from the independent one. That's a lot like trying to separate a leech from someone's arm: it really needs to hang on. (Worst simile ever, but hey.) The second one is a similar situation but without a conjunction.


Overall, you offer some potentially interesting character background. That starter bit was a clever way to handle things, and it'd give your story a fresh twist if you used the fact that he's from Sinnoh as part of his development/the story. (As in, if it's never mentioned again, that'd be a bad thing because there'd be nothing to separate your story from every other original trainer fics. If it's brought up whenever he sees a new Johto landmark/to mention his background in Sinnoh/to address the differences between Sinnoh customs and Johto ones, it'd make for a new trainer story that isn't exactly generic.)

However, you'll want to work extra hard on improving your description and adding more content to your story in general. Right now, this entire chapter was about background, and it was done in a way that felt like parts of the story weren't actually vital for understanding it. Not only that, but your readers can't really imagine what's going on because they can't really picture Jordan or his surroundings. (It even feels like it rushes a little, resulting in what looks like him either teleporting outside of the station or walking through a completely empty one. For Goldenrod City, it's rather odd that he doesn't remark about how many people there are or how much time it takes him to get through this kind of crowd.)

For that reason, it actually feels like not much is happening in this chapter. Granted, first chapters usually don't have much happening in them to begin with, but I mean even taking this into consideration. If your readers think any part of your story is just filler or that it's rushed, they'll start to feel like it's a story about nothing.

Don't get me wrong, though. You have an interesting character background, and it looks like you have the potential to create a decent original trainer fic. You just need to slow down and add more to it – even make it clear that no word's going on the page that isn't absolutely necessary for a reader to understand what's going on.

Good luck.

 

[jps101]

Hey guys. Here's the next part of the story.(Also, thanks to the help from people on her and my friend, I've edited the first part to make it better)

PART 1: Pokemon Professor's Problem!​

Jordan woke up, his eyes squinting for vision, as the morning sun of Johto shone through his window. He moved his dark brown hair out of his eyes and blinked. Looking around, he saw his room was still full of boxes of his stuff from Sinnoh. He opened the closest box and saw his Sinnoh Badge Case. It was full and at the top, a emblem of the Pokemon League shone brightly. Jordan was 16 years old and he had already participated in the Sinnoh and Hoenn leagues. He thought back to all his old Pokemon, that his father was looking after back in their Ranch at Sinnoh. Thinking of his father, he wondered where Fireking had got to. As soon as this thought crossed his mind, the fire chimp Pokemon jumped on to his bed and smiled at Jordan. Fireking was a young Chimchar, hatched from an egg Jordan's father gave him before Jordan had to headed to Johto. He yawned and got out of his bed, and started opening boxes across the room, putting items in places, and generally sorting out his bedroom.


A while later, his mother headed up the steps into his room, and laughed as she saw that Jordan's room was all sorted out. She wondered where he was as she heard a shout from the back garden. She looked out the window to see Jordan, all dressed in his normal travelling outfit, training with Fireking.
"Good job Fireking!" Jordan said as his mother headed out the back door.
"Oh hey Mum." Jordan hugged his mother as she held out a plate of toast for him.
"Thought you may be hungry," she said to him, as he took a piece of toast and stuck it in his mouth.
"Oh. Also, the Professor next door wanted to see you today. His name is Professor Elm and he would like your help with something." She headed back inside. Jordan wondered what the Professor could want with him, as he turned back to Fireking.
"Ready Buddy?" Jordan asked Fireking. The little chimp Pokemon nodded, and hopped on to Jordan's shoulder. He took a breath and headed back inside the house.


Moments later, Jordan stood at the Professor Elm's Lab. He knocked on the door, but after three attempts, no-one answered. He tried the handle and to his surprise, found that the door was unlocked. He opened the door, and stepped inside.
"Hello? Professor Elm?" Jordan asked as he stood at the centre of the lab. The whole area was generally a mess, books flung everywhere, the only clean area being a table, where a single sandwich and a cup of tea stood.
"Why hello there!" Elm shouted, startling Jordan. Jordan fell on the floor, shocked by the Professor's sudden appearance. Elm blinked at the boy's weird behaviour.
"You must be Jordan." Professor Elm stuck out his hand and helped Jordan up to his feet. Jordan nodded and turned as Fireking hopped off his shoulder onto the floor below. A Sentret and Teddiursa were walking around, and they headed towards Fireking as the little chimp smiled at them.
"Anyways, I need you're help young man. I've heard all about your journey through Sinnoh and Hoenn from your mother, and talking to Professor Rowan and Professor Birch, I have been told you are a commendable young man and are very reliable. So here's my problem. I am a researcher, and what I research is Pokemon Evolution and the friendship values between Trainer and Pokemon. So what I would like you to do is..." Professor Elm stopped as his computer beeped. He motioned to Jordan to hold on for a second, and he opened up an email that had just arrived.
"Change of plan," Professor Elm stated as he stood up and looked at Jordan.
"A colleague of mine has just discovered something, and I would like you to go fetch it from him." Professor Elm headed towards the table, his eyes still directed at Jordan. Jordan was shocked the professor wasn't falling over the cluttered mess of books on the floor.
"He's north of Cherrygrove City, so just head east from here, and when you get to Cherrygrove head north. His house is off the main path." Professor Elm grabbed his sandwich and took a mouthful. He then mumbled some inaudible words that Jordan couldn't quite understand.
"Understand?" Professor Elm asked Jordan. Jordan didn't know what to do for a moment, but then just nodded and motioned to Fireking. The duo headed out of the door, ready to head to their destination.

 

[bigtukker]

Jordan woke up, his eyes squinting for vision, as the morning sun of Johto shone through his window. He moved his dark brown hair out of his eyes and blinked. Looking around, he saw his room was still full of boxes of his stuff from Sinnoh. He opened the closest box and saw his Sinnoh Badge Case. It was full and at the top, a emblem of the Pokemon League shone brightly. Jordan was 16 years old and he had already participated in the Sinnoh and Hoenn leagues. He thought back to all his old Pokemon, that his father was looking after back in their Ranch at Sinnoh. Thinking of his father, he wondered where Fireking had got to. As soon as this thought crossed his mind, the fire chimp Pokemon jumped on to his bed and smiled at Jordan. Fireking was a young Chimchar, hatched from an egg Jordan's father gave him before Jordan had to headed to Johto. He yawned and got out of his bed, and started opening boxes across the room, putting items in places, and generally sorting out his bedroom.

Yeah, that was what I'm talking about. I know who Jordan is, I know who Fireking is (kinda weird name for a baby monkey, but that's just me), I know how Jordan got Fireking and that Jordan has more Pokemon on his reserves at his fathers ranch back in Sinnoh. That was a very good job.

Though I have the nasty feeling I have seen the story from paragraph 2 before. Oh yeah, Pokemon Gold? I have the feeling that you're too much stuck to the game. I've even seen some lines before.

Another thing is that I wondered what happened to Jordan after he met Prof. Elm, because Prof. Elm was talking constantly. Perhaps he is a talkloving professor, but wouldn't Jordan be annoyed by that endless voice. You could have used Jordan more for a sweet dialogue and adding more character to both Jordan and Prof. Elm that way.

I'm not an English-native, but your using good grammar as far I'm aware of (you're using "Pokemon" instead of "Pokemons", good job). I think you CAN be very creative. I've seen that in the very strong first paragraph of this episode. I'm looking forward to new episodes.

 

[jps101]

Kay. Well, I know I've only done 2 parts. but I'm getting all confused with my plot line now. As it sort of was going to follow the game, just with small different scenarios along the way. But i'm not sure if that's still a good idea. So what I am going to do, is now write the whole story on a word document, and when I'm done, and happy with what I'm doing, then I'll start posting the segments on here, or start a new thread with a clean slate to avoid confusion with the what's going on.

Thanks for the support, and hope you'll like the proper story soon.

 

[bigtukker]

That's a very good idea ;)

 

[Delusions of Originality]

So what I am going to do, is now write the whole story on a word document,

You mean you haven't been? Just a word of advice, but this is what you should really do with every story from now on. Typing the story directly into the new thread/reply box isn't very safe--you can lose the whole thing if your connection fails when you post and your browser doesn't remember it, or if you accidentally close a tab/window, or if you take too long and your session ends before you post, etc.. Since text typed into the reply box can't be saved, using it as a primary place of writing can also cause you to rush, as you can't come back to it later and edit as you please before posting. Using a Word document or similar, as you said, gives you much more time to experiment with it and make it the best it can be; it's also a safer, more reliable way to store it than in something as basic as a reply box. (AND this way, what's on the forum isn't the only copy of the story that exists.)

Alternatively, if you meant that you have been writing it in Word but now you just want to wait until you've finished the entire story (sorry, I can't tell exactly which)... you can certainly try that if you want, but it isn't strictly necessary. It's generally what I do with my longer stories, but only because I don't want to risk posting the first few chapters where people can see them, end up not finishing and thus disappointing any readers. If commitment (or perfectionism, but hey, what are helpful reviewers for, right?) isn't as big an issue with you as it is with me then you don't have to have the whole thing planned and finished before you begin to post. It might be a better idea to take some time to come up with at least a basic outline of where you want the story to go--just follow the outline as you write, and you'll know where you're going but will still be able to post chapters along the way. This way the advice any reviewers give you will actually be in time to help you as you're writing the story, rather than after the fact.

Good luck with the new version.

 

[Bonzai-Cat]

Kay. Well, I know I've only done 2 parts. but I'm getting all confused with my plot line now. As it sort of was going to follow the game, just with small different scenarios along the way. But i'm not sure if that's still a good idea. So what I am going to do, is now write the whole story on a word document, and when I'm done, and happy with what I'm doing, then I'll start posting the segments on here, or start a new thread with a clean slate to avoid confusion with the what's going on.

Thanks for the support, and hope you'll like the proper story soon.

Pleased don't follow the video game story, it just makes the whole plot line seem so repetitive considering most of us have played through it before. I really do like your writing and I would love to see what original story you could come up with this. I'm looking forward to your later installments in this fic.