[Pokémon] Pokemon Mystery Dungeon:Beat Story

[Solar the rabbit]

Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Beat Story


Beat glared at his opponent and his pokemon. They both had one pokemon left and it was time to settle their feud once and for. "Well my long time rival" Beat began. "We had many battle over our time me winning some you winning some but today you will lose and I will become the pokemon master! It time to end this." Torchic I chose you." Beat threw a ball and out came a tiny red bird that chirp Torchic. "Torchic use..." Beat was interrupted by the ground shaking and he heard someone calling his name. Beat shot to see his teacher Mrs.Fall glaring at him.

Beat since you think your so smart enough for you to fall asleep please answer the question on the the board."

Beat look the board and all he saw was chicken scratch.

"I'm sorry I don't know." he mumbled

"I didn't think you did. normally I would get you extra homework Beat but since it Friday I'm going to let you off easy." "Ok class is dismissed and have a good weekend.

Beat grab his backpack and dash out of the school to home.


Beat race to his house on his skates with his clothes flaping behind him. He skates through Lumiose city with ease until he reach his house and come to a sceerching halt. Beat take off his skate when he in the house and yelled at the top of his lungs:"MOM I'M HOME!" "She must still be at work." He said out loud when he got no answer. Beat went up to his room and tossed his backpack on his bed. He sat on a chair near his PC and got his Holo Caster out and called his best friend Zoey. A girl with brown hair and green face appear out of the Holo caster. "Hey Beat" Zoey Greeted. "Sup Zoey" Beat Replies.
"I was trying to talk to you at the end of school but before I could you just took off! You need to slow down Beat and stop rushing all the time!" Zoey said Beat smiled. "Sorry Zoe but I can help if you guys can't keep up.He said."But if I didn't rush we would't be friends.
"You have a point' She said
"Anyway I called you because I want you to get everyone and meet me at the Lumiose Station in the next 30 mintue OK? I have big news."
"Big news? About what?
"I'll tell you at Lumiose Station." Zoey frowned. It must have been big news because Beat never keeps secrcts from her. " Ok Beat see you in 30 min." Beat end the call and then started to play Sonic Colors for for a while and then zoomed to Lumiose Station and wait for his friend. The first who showed up was Heaven who name did not fit her. She had a firey temper and was really strong. Next was Ben. Ben was small but was good to have in a fight because of his brains. Next came Jack the big guy. People think is the stupid one it the group be cause of his size but the true is that he is very smart. Last but not least Zoey join the group. Zoey would seem like the happy go girl in the group that care only about cloths and stuff but she could care least about her looks. And the leader of the group was none other then our Hero Beat. A boy with dark brown skin with brown spikey hair. Ever thought it seem like he a cocky person he not. Beat rush alot and beats him self up when he fail at something. But you can still count on him to have your back. With the 4 of them togather Beat could tell them the news.
"Guys I have some big new to tell you" Beat started.
"What is it" Heaven asked.
"Next week we will be geting Starter pokemon to chose from Kalos and Honeen reigon from Mr.Pokemon!" "What!" they shouted!
"Yep next week we will become Pokemon trainers."
"I got to tell my Mom and Dad! Jack Said excidley He jump and ran into Beat knocking him onto the track.Beat landed on the tracks with a grunted and got to his feet and dust his pants. "Sorry Beat" Jack Called. "It ok Jack" Beat said
"It wasn't on pr-" Beat stopped because he heard the TMV coming.
"BEAT GET OFF THE TRACKS!" Zoey screamed. Beat didn't heard her. He couldnt move at all. For the first the in Beat life he froze up. Just as the TMV was about to hit him a light blinded him. When the light Cleared Beat was no longer in Lumiose Station. He found him self in a greenish yellow space. Beat look around the area and heard someone call his name. He spun around and saw a figure that look like a pokemon was but he couldn't what pokemon it was. He hear it speak to him but he couldn't tell what the pokemon was saying. "Beat..."A Voice called him. It was not the same as other voice. It was tone Soft but powerful. "You have been chosen to save a world from ruins....You my Champion must save this world from it end. I cannot tell you anymore then this. Now go Beat save this world. Before Beat could asked what the voice what talking about or who he or she was a bright light appear again blinding him. He closed his eye to block the light. Beat then felt air blow under him and found him self free falling from the sky at. So what did he do? Srceam his off head of course. Beat hit the ground, the impact knocking him out cold.



Chapter one done
So how is it good ? Need improvements? This is my first pokemon story and post on this site. Flames are not allowed. Please take in mind that I'm 13

 

[Nolafus]

First of all, welcome to PC! I hope you have a wonderful time here and stick around for a while.

Beat t through a ball and out came a tiny red bird that chirp Torchic.

There's an extra "t" at the beginning the the sentence. Also, I'm guess you mean "threw" instead of "through". "Threw" is the past tense word for throwing something, like a pokeball. "Through" is used when someone is passing through something, such as a person walking through the park.

"Beat since you think your so smart enough for you to fall asleep please answer the question on the the board."

This sentence sounds a bit awkward. I think you went into this sentence following one expression, and then ended with a different one. Try reading this sentence out loud to see if you can pick up on it. Also, you used the wrong form of "your/you're". "Your" is referring to possession, such as someone saying, "This is your ball." "You're" is what I think you're after, as it's a contraction of "you are".

".I didn't think you did. normally I would get you extra homework Beat but since it Friday I'm going to let you off easy." "Ok class is dismissed and have a good weekend.

A few things here, there's an extra period at the beginning of the sentence. You also forgot to capitalize "normally" as it's the beginning of a sentence. Since it's the same person talking, you don't need the extra quotation marks in the middle of the dialogue. You also forgot to put an ending quotation mark at the end. "Ok" is slang for "Okay". I would recommend using the full word.

Okay, I think what will help you the most right now is proofreading. There were a few mistakes that I feel would be easy to catch if you went back through and read your story for errors. Let your story sit for a day or two, and then go back and read it. It will help iron out those simple grammar mistakes. No one can catch everything, but try your best.

Another thing I noticed is your dialogue. The formatting is off. You need a space separating different people's dialogue and description. Since I learn best by examples, here's what I mean.

"Beat since you think your so smart enough for you to fall asleep please answer the question on the the board."

Beat look the board and all he saw was chicken scratch.

"I'm sorry I don't know." he mumbled

".I didn't think you did. normally I would get you extra homework Beat but since it Friday I'm going to let you off easy." "Ok class is dismissed and have a good weekend.

Beat grab his backpack and dash out of the school to home.

It helps make the text look more inviting to read and helps the reader differentiate who's talking. Remember to hit that enter button twice on here to get that full space.

One thing you're missing is commas. Just to let you know, commas are the bane of writers everywhere. Since it could take hours to write out all you need to know, I'll just let this site take care of it:
https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/02/

Something that isn't in the rules is the length of chapters. It's not in the rules simply because it's more of a suggestion than anything, but I feel like it applies here. I want you to work on this first chapter some more and make it longer before you work on the rest of it. It's a little picky, I know, but it's just something that I would like you to do.

Overall, this isn't a bad start. I know this is your first pokemon story, and you don't have a lot of experience, but it's not that bad. The best thing to do right now is continue writing and to try to apply the things I told you. Once you do that, your writing will be a lot stronger. Good luck and welcome to PC! :D

 

[Nolafus]

It looks a lot better, thanks for going through and making it longer! :D

Although, you may want to get rid of the bold so the new part fits in with the old stuff.

 

[Solar the rabbit]

Ok It may be a while before the next chapter but don't worry I,m still working on it. School pass and map is coming up so I won,t have much time to work on it but I,ll try my best to get the second one up as soon as I can.