Pokemon Revolution Trilogy

[Neo-Wolf]

Hi , I'm shrey2008 and I'm a newbie here . So lets get rocking on my new fanfic .
My fanfic is only going to be on Pokecommunity . So don't keep looking somewhere else for a new chapter .

The Pokemon Revolution Trilogy​

Book One : The Dark Brigand
Prologue
" I think I found something . "
It was a hot day in the tropical rainforest . There was a slight wind blowing over the treetops . The tall trees netted the sunbeam , making the forest a dark place ..

A group of explorers were investigating Mew's shrine . The shrine was a derelict place , vines coming out of it . No living thing ever ventured there . It gave a feeling of darkness , emptiness . .. .

Hearing his comrade , Head Explorer Ralph rushed over to see where the explorer was pointing . The opposite wall had unfaded runes . Finally thought Ralph . He took out his PokeDevice , an upgraded PokeNav and scanned the wall . The text was of the ancient script , written in runes . Good thing I have Rune Translator in my laptop thought Ralph . The PokeDevice scanned the wall and prepared a list of the runes . Then it E-mailed the list to the laptop .
" Yanma , bring me my laptop . " His Yanma , who was flying above him went to fetch the laptop from the main entrance . She saw .. nothing . The laptop was gone . So were the bags . She went back to her master . " What are you saying ? You want me to get the laptop ? " , asked Ralph . He went to the entrance . The bags were back . He booted his laptop . He started the Translation Software and converted the file .

The one , the hybrid made for the evil's cause ,
Shall strike the world with its blazing claws ,
Pokemons and humans alike will crumble beneath him ,
Towns , cities and forests shall be destroyed by his waving ,
But the Legends shall unite to strike him ,
But most of them would be failing ,
Then the five who sealed their fates with tryst ,
Bound themselves to the humans they trust ,
Will find the one who will stop him .

"Interesting." , said Ralph .
All the explorers had gathered around to read the inscription .
" Just a poem . " , someone said .
" Back to work , guys . "
" Maybe we should ask the guide about it ? "
" Where is he ? "
The guide had disappeared with the bags .
That scoundrel . He ran off with the bags was his first thought .
Ralph sent out his Yanma . " Yanma , go and search for the guide and bring him back ." She flew up into the dense canopy with a nod .

By nighttime she hadn't returned . Ralph was a bit concerned for her . Maybe he should'nt have sent her alone . It started to rain . Suddenly . ..
" Yanma's back !"
"She's injured !"
" Huh ? Yanma ? " Ralph called out .
The poor bug Pokemon was hurt . How did this happen ? he thought .

Suddenly , a powerful blast shook the building . Probably, Yanma's attacker had decided to return .
" Umm.. I think that's the one the poem is talking about . "
" Release all your powerful Pokemon and fight this thing . Damn it ! This place is cursed . " swore Ralph , who had just returned after administering First-aid to Yanma .
There was a huge flash of red light . Various Pokemon's emerged out of their Pokeballs . They all rushed to fight the attacker outside the shrine .

Meanwhile ,
" Sir ! You must leave with the Legend . The Elite 4 have to know about this . All the Pokemons outside are unable to defeat this thing . Only a few are standing . We'll hold him off . And we would try to send it's data ." said one explorer .
Hold him off ? It knocked out Feraligator in one attack . Ralph looked towards his Yanma . " Ready ? "
She nodded and started shining with bright silver light . She grew in size . All her wounds healed .
She had evolved into Yanmega !

Suddenly a stoppage of noises from outside indicated that the battle was over .An eerie silence fell . Everyone had fallen . Quickly , the Head Explorer mounted his Yanmega and flew towards the Elite 4 Headquarters . The mysterious pokemon let loose a beam at them , but Yanmega dodged . Quick he thought , a sudden fear gripping him . What if the pokemon caught me ? Why did it attack us ? How did it defeat all our Pokemon ? . Suddenly , the bolts ceased and the creature fled . Saved . Then he remembered his fallen comrades and vowed that he would return here . The Elite 4 will have answers .

 

[JX Valentine]

Protip: If you're writing your fic in the reply box, don't. It's best to write it in a word processor (like Open Office or Microsoft Word) and save it offline until you're ready to post. That way, proofreading's easier (with spell check and the ability to see your work in a space larger than this tiny box), and you're not in a rush to finish.

I say this because before I hit reply, there was nothing here. Now that I have, there's a lot of oddities, like:

Th tall trees

And generally the fact that you put spaces before every mark of punctuation (which you really shouldn't do).

And, well, the fact that you misspelled "prologue."

(Also, put empty space between each paragraph, like I did just now. Browsers don't normally read indentations, so it's the only way you can clearly indicate that you're beginning a new paragraph.)

Moreover, it feels like the prologue is incomplete. You just stop after he finds some runes and goes to translate them, and I get the feeling you intended on going onward with that to show us what he found. Hence, if a reader comes along before you edit the ending in (like I did), we end up assuming that the prologue just ends abruptly before anything interesting happens, so we're not as drawn into the story as you'd like us to be.

However, other than a few typos, the writing seems fairly clean for something that was written in the reply box, and the description is actually decent. It's just that you seem to stop before you can get far.

 

[Neo-Wolf]

Hi people . How do you like it ? I know that the prologue is a bit lame , but the chapters are going to be good . Actually I lost the original prologue due to an error and then I wrote this one hurriedly .

Thanks to Valentino for the tips . The main character is coming in chapter One . Should I write it or wait for more readers ?
UPDATE!!
Finished chapter one . Coming in few days . No readers ? Gosh , I feel like crying ..sob.. LOLZ
Please reply . It motivates me .