[Pokémon] Pokemon VDD - Destiny Discovery

[Skara]

With this fanfic beginning properly on Saturday, I've decided to post a preview. This is purely to gain interest and see if I should carry on with it.
I have a full story planned out, so all that's left to do is actually write it all.

This story involves a mysterious syndicate, the main plot points being laid down and swords. I can't reveal a lot, reading a story with only a brief outline is somewhat magical :3

Pokemon VDD - Triple Trouble​

"Pignite! Use Flame Charge!" shouted Ronin as the round fiery pig ran, jumped and charged into the enemy Pokemon.
"Buizel, fight back with Aqua Jet," commanded the gym leader calmly and the weasel Pokemon blasted into Pignite. The two made contact and there was a huge blue and red explosion of fire and water that then turned into a steamy fog.
Pignite was knocked out, and Buizel was trembling on the battlefield
Ronin had one Pokemon left, and Buizel still had a great deal of health left.
"Well, this is it. I choose you, Vaporeon!" yelled Ronin and he lobbed his Pokeball with determination.
A blue cat like Pokemon came out. It had fins around its head and a long tail.
"Vaporeon, Double Team, then follow it up with a Shadow Ball!" screamed Ronin. Vaporeon then quickly duplicated itself and surrounded Buizel. Buizel looked around confused and kept shooting blasts of water at Vaporeon. Dark orbs then appeared from Vaporeon's mouth and shot at Buizel. Buizel flew forward and into the wall. It slid down the wall and slumped onto the floor.
The timer ran out, and the blue haired gym leader called Buizel back into its Pokeball and walked proudly towards Ronin.
"Nice one, you deserve this Tri Badge"
"Thanks Cress, that battle was awesome!" said Ronin.
Ronin walked out of the door and adjusted his white fringe, zipped up his black coat and pulled his red jeans up as he dashed straight towards Route 3.

"Hey! Ronin!" shouted a voice in the distance.
"Oh, hey Hideki" Ronin replied. A short boy ran towards Ronin. He had green hair, a black vest covered by a green military jacket, baggy black jeans and red trainers.
"Dude, did you get the Tri Badge?"
"You'd better believe it, it was down to my Vaporeon and his Buizel and my special combo beat him"
"You have to use other strategies you know Ronin..." sighed Hideki
Ronin turned his head and carried on walking, as Hideki ran beside him and tried to grab his attention.
"Where are you going, Ronin?"
"To Nacrene City, I hear it has a good training dojo and a gym"
"You don't need to level up your sword Ronin, not with Pignite there to help"
Ronin stopped and turned directly towards Hideki
"Hideki, when have I ever made a bad decision? I know my sword is powerful already, but it can get better, and I won't stop training until it can't get any better"
Ronin paused and carried on walking, and then Hideki stopped him
"Hey! I have an idea, how about we train together!"
"Hm?" Ronin stopped again and turned quickly to Hideki and smirked
"Good idea man, but not here, let's race to the dojo and whoever wins gets the first turn"
"Ok! Let's go!"

Ronin ran into the Nacrene City training dojo and Hideki was nowhere to be seen. He looked in every room, behind the crates, beaded curtains and even in the small training garden at the back, but Hideki was still not there.
Ronin then heard an explosion coming from outside. He jumped, hesitated a little then dashed outside to see what made the explosion.
A large helicopter had landed and crushed the Pokemon Centre. It was black, and had a logo on the side. It was a red circle with a white shield in the middle.
Men in black coats and blacked out glasses walked out of the helicopter and walked towards someone wriggling inside an old torn up body bag. They dragged the bag up to the helicopter and shut the doors.
Ronin watched in shock as the shady looking men disappeared in a thick grey fog and left behind a gang of giant, venomous snakes with large fangs and a pointed tail.
"OH MY GOD, SEVIPER" screamed one of the citizens
The whole town fled in panic as the Seviper chased them out.
Ronin then had an odd sensation
"What the hell... what's this... I..." his voiced got slower, his eyes grew heavier, and then he fell to the ground...

To Be Continued

Constructive criticism welcome. Just criticism not welcome.

 

[bobandbill]

Hello there! Been a while since I've seen someone post a preview here, heh.

Anyways, it's certainly not a bad start; not bad description with the dialogue and you have a decent basis for the characters as well. Worth finishing off, I'd say! As it's a preview I'll just make a few general comments.

Firstly; you'd want to use line spacing between new paragraphs (like how I've done so for this post), as it's easier for the reader to, well, read your work, as if it's together it's hard to read on forums, particular in the case of computer screens which aren't good for the eyes in the first place. I also felt that there was a sort of jump between the conversation of Ronin and Hideki and the following part with the kidnapping, and be careful to not be too listy with your description too but rather to spread it out (in this regard I'm mainly referring to the mention of Hideki's clothing - try to integrate it with actions/the story rather than having it all in one go). Focus more on how people act, their personalities, etc rather than their clothing as well.

Also - level up his sword? If you have an explanation for a trainer to be wielding a sword out then all good, but if not it's something to consider when you post the actual thing.

Watch for small mistakes as well:

"Buizel, fight back with Aqua Jet" commanded the gym leader calmly

You'd want a comma after 'Jet' (ie before the closing quotation mark).

"Hey! Ronin!" shouted a voice in the distance

And here there was a missing full stop at the end, as well as here:

Ronin watched in shock as the shady looking men disappeared in a thick grey fog and left behind a gang of giant, venomous snakes with large fangs and a pointed tail

"Where are you going Ronin?"

If a character is referred to directly by name/nickname/title/etc, a comma should come before or after it. So 'Where are you going, Ronin?' is better.

Hopefully that's of help to you with your actual beginning!

 

[Skara]

Cheers dude. I'll make edits.
Since as well as a preview, this is also the first proper chapter at the same time, so my next post will be "episode" 2.