[Pokémon] Pokemon VS Darkness Chapter 1: Zorua

[KieronGames]

Heya everyone,
Since this is Fan Fiction, i am going to say 1 of my stories i've been making, i am not sure if its very good :/ I personally give it a 3/10 or something like that but:

Chapter 1: Zorua(PG-Suitable for everyone, but contains one use of mild language)

Chapter 1​

One great day, it was raining outside(a bad day would be sunny), Umbreon, part of the Eve(spelt like that for a reason) Family, sneaked out of home to go to Stormy Castle. His mum, Espo, told him: "Never go to Stormy Castle, there is rumoured to be a legend there that can be dangerous if it isreal". Umbreon wanted to find out for himself and headed up Stormy Road... Stormy Road is a terrible path, flames(somehow), broken rocks, but Umbo was an adventurous pokemon and just continued no matter what, even getting struck by lightening.
"CRAP, now this is what you call a huge jump!" shouted Umbreon. Umbreon ran back a few steps and ran at 55 mph and leaped over to the other side. After he got through Stormy Road he saw a shadow...shaped like a pokemon he never saw before. The shadow came closer...and closer...and closer. Then the shadow revealed itself and said, "My name is Zorua, not many people know about me since no one comes up th--". There were little footsteps coming up the road, A Notch Eared Pichu, called Spichu, came up to them and exclaimed, " Umbo there you are! Your mothers been worried sick about you! Hey who's that?"
"I am Zorua," replied Zorua. "You better come with us, Zorua before Stormy castle disappears, the storms almost over!". After half an hour of traveling, Spichu, Umbo and Zorua went home...
"(I don't think this is a good idea, this pokemon don't look right, he looks... cruel...)" Sais Umbo in his mind...

End Of Chapter 1​

Depending on how many of you like this, I will make Chapter 2.
Who cares I will make chapter 2 anyway! :)

Thanks to Astinus, who helped me with improvements.

 

[Astinus]

And a review. I hope this helps you out a bit.

Heya everyone,
Since this is Fan Fiction, i am going to say 1 of my stories i've been making, i am not sure if its very good :/ I personally give it a 3/10 or something like that but:

Protip: Don't say your fic isn't good. It will either make people not want to read it, or read it just to see how bad it is.

One good thing you can say is probably that you're using British English. Some rules are different between British and American, so when I did this review I had to remember what little British English rules I know to tell myself that you're actually correct.

One dark and stormy night

Um... That's a clichéd opening line. It's not seen in fics a lot (at least the ones I've seen), but everyone knows it. And as one deleted post said, a reader stopped right there.

With your first words of your fic, you want to entice the reader to continue. Using words that are kind of a joke (Charles Schultz's Peanuts strip used that line as the basis of a long-running joke) and seen before isn't that good.

Umbreon, Part of the Eve Family,

"Part" shouldn't be capitalized.

snuck out of home

"snuck" is currently not the standard past-tense form of "sneak". It's more like the "slang" version. You're looking for "sneaked".

"Never go to Stormy Castle, There is rumoured to be a legend there that can be dangerous if it real".

"If it is real".

Umbreon wanted to find out for himself and headed up Stormy Road...

You could take this opportunity to describe Stormy Road. Is it called that because there's always a storm raging? Is it in a forest? A desert? A mountain?

Take the time to paint some picture of where your story takes place. You don't want to jump from one scene to another without taking the time to catch your reader up to where your character is. Otherwise, the reader gets confused.

"CRAP THIS IS ONE HUGE JUMP!" said Umbreon.

I'm not a fan of using "said" as the tag for an exclamation mark. Also, it's not good to use caps for an entire sentence. I know you were showing that he's shouting, but just saying "shouted Umbreon" would help more than caps.

Umbreon ran back 22 steps and ran at 55 mph and leaped over to the other side.

That seems rather exact. There's no real need to use exact numbers like that (unless it's something that your character just notices and does, like count their steps). Mainly because that actually doesn't help the reader picture anything. Just say that Umbreon stepped back a distance and ran as fast as he could to jump.

After he got through Stormy Road he saw a shadow... Shaped like a pokemon he never saw before. The shadow came closer...and closer... and closer.

I personally find it hard to believe that Umbreon would wait for an enemy to appear, especially one that he doesn't know if he can fight off. But we'll hold this thought.

There was little footsteps coming up the road,

"were" since "footsteps" is plural.

And this is its own sentence, so that comma becomes a full stop.

A Notched Eared Pichu,

"notch-eared"

" UMBO THERE YOU ARE!, YOUR MOTHERS BEEN WORRIED SICK ABOUT YOU! Hey who's that?"

Caps again.

"I am Zorua" replied Zorua.

Need a comma after that first "Zorua".

"You better come with us Zorua before Stormy castle disappears, the storms almost over!". After half an hour of traveling, Spichu, Umbo and Zorua went home...

Wait.

First off, separate the dialogue into its own paragraph. I don't know who said what. So...

" UMBO THERE YOU ARE! YOUR MOTHERS BEEN WORRIED SICK ABOUT YOU! Hey who's that?"

"I am Zorua," replied Zorua.

"You better come with us Zorua before Stormy castle disappears, the storms almost over!"

Next: I'm not sure why you keep putting commas after other punctuation marks. Like after Spichu's dialogue, you had a comma even though you already had a question mark. You only need the question mark.

You need commas after "us" and "Zorua", since that's a direct address.

Last: So Zorua is probably the dangerous legendary Pokemon that Umbreon's mum warned him against. (Even if he's not really that legendary Pokemon, Umbreon thinks he would be, since all Zorua said is his name.) Why would Umbreon and Spichu allow him to follow them home? They don't know if Zorua is good or bad. All Umbreon knows is that there's a legendary Pokemon at Stormy Castle, and Zorua was at Stormy Castle.

You could show Umbreon's thoughts about this situation. Through this entire chapter, he really never showed emotion (except for surprise at the jump). Because of this lack of emotion, Umbreon doesn't feel real.

Show how he feels when Zorua walks towards him. Show how he decides to allow Zorua to come back to his home.

You're young, so I'm not going to be harsh on you. I will say that you should get a beta reader (we have a service right here to find one) to help you with cleaning up grammar and with description. Because you do have the start of something here.

Good luck, and you can ask me at any time if you need anything.

 

[KieronGames]

And a review. I hope this helps you out a bit.


Protip: Don't say your fic isn't good. It will either make people not want to read it, or read it just to see how bad it is.

One good thing you can say is probably that you're using British English. Some rules are different between British and American, so when I did this review I had to remember what little British English rules I know to tell myself that you're actually correct.


Um... That's a clichéd opening line. It's not seen in fics a lot (at least the ones I've seen), but everyone knows it. And as one deleted post said, a reader stopped right there.

With your first words of your fic, you want to entice the reader to continue. Using words that are kind of a joke (Charles Schultz's Peanuts strip used that line as the basis of a long-running joke) and seen before isn't that good.


"Part" shouldn't be capitalized.


"snuck" is currently not the standard past-tense form of "sneak". It's more like the "slang" version. You're looking for "sneaked".


"If it is real".


You could take this opportunity to describe Stormy Road. Is it called that because there's always a storm raging? Is it in a forest? A desert? A mountain?

Take the time to paint some picture of where your story takes place. You don't want to jump from one scene to another without taking the time to catch your reader up to where your character is. Otherwise, the reader gets confused.


I'm not a fan of using "said" as the tag for an exclamation mark. Also, it's not good to use caps for an entire sentence. I know you were showing that he's shouting, but just saying "shouted Umbreon" would help more than caps.


That seems rather exact. There's no real need to use exact numbers like that (unless it's something that your character just notices and does, like count their steps). Mainly because that actually doesn't help the reader picture anything. Just say that Umbreon stepped back a distance and ran as fast as he could to jump.


I personally find it hard to believe that Umbreon would wait for an enemy to appear, especially one that he doesn't know if he can fight off. But we'll hold this thought.


"were" since "footsteps" is plural.

And this is its own sentence, so that comma becomes a full stop.


"notch-eared"


Caps again.


Need a comma after that first "Zorua".


Wait.

First off, separate the dialogue into its own paragraph. I don't know who said what. So...



Next: I'm not sure why you keep putting commas after other punctuation marks. Like after Spichu's dialogue, you had a comma even though you already had a question mark. You only need the question mark.

You need commas after "us" and "Zorua", since that's a direct address.

Last: So Zorua is probably the dangerous legendary Pokemon that Umbreon's mum warned him against. (Even if he's not really that legendary Pokemon, Umbreon thinks he would be, since all Zorua said is his name.) Why would Umbreon and Spichu allow him to follow them home? They don't know if Zorua is good or bad. All Umbreon knows is that there's a legendary Pokemon at Stormy Castle, and Zorua was at Stormy Castle.

You could show Umbreon's thoughts about this situation. Through this entire chapter, he really never showed emotion (except for surprise at the jump). Because of this lack of emotion, Umbreon doesn't feel real.

Show how he feels when Zorua walks towards him. Show how he decides to allow Zorua to come back to his home.

You're young, so I'm not going to be harsh on you. I will say that you should get a beta reader (we have a service right here to find one) to help you with cleaning up grammar and with description. Because you do have the start of something here.

Good luck, and you can ask me at any time if you need anything.

my grammars never been good, thanks for the tips

 

[KieronGames]

Pokemon VS Darkness Chapter 2: Zorua's Story

What Happened Last Time: An Umbreon named Umbo goes up to Stormy Castle where he meets a pokemon named Zorua, Umbo's Little Brother, Spichu, says that Zorua can come home with them, but Umbo don't seem to impressed...

Rated-PG Contains several uses of Mild Language.

Chapter 2: Disaster Attack​

After Espo opened a can of peanut brittle, not paying any attention at all to Spichu, Umbo or Zorua. "Umbo, how dare you disobey me! I told you not to go up that road under ANY circumstances!" nags Espo.
"Mum, I know but... there was a sick pokemon up there." mutters Umbo
"I thought we found a weird looking pokemon." exclaims Spichu.
-Umbo does facepalm-
"A weird looking pokemon you s--" says Espo not being able to finish her sentence. " Aye, aye ,aye! What the hell is that!?"
"I am Zorua," replies Zorua politely.
"Well you all better go to bed then, Zorua you can have the third bed," says Espo quietly.
The Next Morning
"Absoool, Absoool, Absoool. I bring bad news everyone, some mysterious pokemon is causing natural disasters all around the pokemon world...
that pokemon is among us right now, the pokemon is: Zorua!"(It's obvious who was speaking there)
"What! I thought my dad Zoroark was causing these..." replies Zorua.
Many years ago when I was a baby my dad, Zoroark, locked me up in Stormy Castle, and if I were released within a 100 years, disasters would happen.
It has only been 7 years, so for 93 years there will be disasters unless we defeat my dad and destroy the dark gem...
"Retard, Zorua... There is much more, first you must defeat your dad, destroy the gem and meet a mysterious pokemon called: Anthonia(My imaginary pokemon) then give the pieces to her... I will tell you something though, you must unite with Umbo and Spichu or else this quest will be impossible..." explained Mightyena.
Umbo and Spichu were puzzled...
"Why us?" asked Spichu and Umbo surprised.

Find Out What Happens And Why In Chapter 3​

I think this ones grammar is a lot better than Chapter 1

 

[luke]

Please post your chapters as responses in the same thread. You don't need a new thread for every chapter.