[Pokémon] Pokemon X

[lucariojon]

This is my first fan fic ever.


Not sure if this has been done before,but anyway,this is about a 14 year old boy named Mike,and he hears a rumor about a new Pokemon in a valley far away,belivied to be stronger then Areceus. <----- That was like an overview,I guess.

Pokemon X

Chapter 1- Mike had just woken up from a long sleep,in his room.Mikes father came in,and asked Mike to go to the store to get something.On the way to the store,Mike overheard some friends talking about a Pokemon called X. so Mike went over to his friends,Jon Bob and Jessie.Mike asked them what Pokemon X was,and they said Pokemon X is a myth,believed to be stronger then Areceus.His friends said that other Pokemon have gone on search for Pokemon X,but,none of them returned alive.Mike said that he was going to look for Pokemon X,and he hops back on his bike,and zooms off twoards where Pokemon X is believed to live. Also,Mike does have 1 Pokemon right now.The one Pokemon he has atm is a level 5 Riolu,with the move Aura sphere.


Chapter 2 of Pokemon X-Coming later on today!
​

 

[lucariojon]

Chapter 2- On his journey,Mike would need more then 1 Pokemon.So he went to the Poke-mart,and bought 6 Poke-balls.He had heard that Shinx and Zorua were commonly found near the town he was in.So,Mike went into the field of grass where wild Pokemon were commonly found.In the field,Mike used his Riolu to help him catch a wild Zorua he found.After Riolu weakened the Zorua a bit,Mike threw a Poke-ball at the Zorua,and caught it.

Mikes current Pokemon team-

Level 5 with the moves-Tackle,force palm and aura sphree

Level 6 with the moves-Tackle,Growl and fury swipes


Chapter 3 (& 4!) up sometime tomorrow =3

 

[ChrisTom]

*Sigh*

Alright, since nobody has said it yet, I will. I'm sorry but I'm just being frank here:

You are being very n00bish.

I'm sorry, but we all are at some point. When I was a Fanfic n00b somebody set me straight, and I'll do the same to you. I got angry at the person who helped me, and I'm okay if you do that to me. Not everybody reacts well to critisicm. But in the end there are just some things that need to be said. There are several things wrong with your fanfic so far, and I'll tell you about them.

Firstly, the length. Chapters should not be a paragraph long. Paragraphs should be a paragraph long. At the LEAST a chapter should contain 5 paragraphs. I don't care how cool your story is, it has to be that way.

Then there is the lack of description and good grammar. I'm going to analyze your first "Chapter":

Chapter 1- Mike had just woken up from a long sleep,in his room.

Alright. The first problem is the fact that you should put a space between commas and periods: "Long sleep, in his room. Mike's father came in..." Secondly you shouldn't have put a comma there in the first place. "In his room" is not a sentence. Only add a comma when you are listing items or joining 2 sentences. Since these mistakes are common thorughout your chapters, this will be the only time I mention it. The second problem is the description again. Answer these questions and sprinkle them around in your Fanfic.

1. What does the room look like?

2. Did he have a dream?

3. How did the sleep make him feel?

4. Did he sleep well the night before?

5. Was sunlight coming through a window?

Mikes father came in,and asked Mike to go to the store to get something.

Firstly this sentence is too bland. It just seems that if a person said it they would be a boring person. "Mikes" should be changed to "Mike's". Also add dialogue to the story. Show a little back and forth and perhaps confusion from the son. A few more questions you need to answer and sprinkle:

1. What does the dad look like?

2. How did he say it?

3. What did Mike think when his dad said that?

On the way to the store,Mike overheard some friends talking about a Pokemon called X.

Once more you aren't being descriptive. So he's "On his way to the store"? That's very vague. Did he hear his friends while he was walking to the door of his house? Describe how he got ready to leave the house, his journey downstairs, a quick conversation with a Mom/Sibling. The describe the atmosphere of the local outdoors. Describe how the friends were talking. Were they casual, huddled in a group?

so Mike went over to his friends,Jon Bob and Jessie

Apparently Mike has teleportation powers and can magically poof to friend's houses. How did he get to the house? Did he run into bullies? As for grammar, "so" should be capitalized, and for once you need to put in commas between the names. What do Jon, Bob, and Jessie look like? How are they all living in the same house? How did they meet up with Mike so quickly? Is Jessie a boy or a girl?

Mike asked them what Pokemon X was,and they said Pokemon X is a myth,believed to be stronger then Areceus.

How do his friends know this? Why is Arceus the second strongest Pokemon? Why isn't Mew stronger? Also change "myth" to "Mythical Pokemon", and "Areceus" to "Arceus".

His friends said that other Pokemon have gone on search for Pokemon X,but,none of them returned alive.

So Pokemon have tried to find it, but People haven't? That doesn't make much sense.

Mike said that he was going to look for Pokemon X,and he hops back on his bike,and zooms off twoards where Pokemon X is believed to live.

So he just tells his friends this? Does he just say "Shoot, forget Mom and Dad! I won't tell them goodbye!"? How did he instantly get this bike? Change "twoards" to "towards".

Also,Mike does have 1 Pokemon right now.The one Pokemon he has atm is a level 5 Riolu,with the move Aura sphere.

Once more, Mike is shown to have the ability to get things instantly out of nowhere. Try and have it to where the Pokemon has been following him on his trip. How did he get this Riolu? How long has he had it? How did it learn Aura Sphere at such a young age? What is its personality like? Does it enjoy specific foods? And never use text words in a story, as it makes you seem even more n00bish.

I'll go to Chapter 2 if you like, but I won't until you tell me to. This writing alone took more time than it probably took you to write this.


Listen, I don't mean to be hard on you. When I was first criticsized I got very angry at that person. I know now that all people are trying to do is help you. Have you ever read other people's fanfics? It helps you alot to see how much some of the pros have done. I hope you understand that I'm just trying to help you too. If you get mad at me, I understand. But just be more descriptive. The goal of a writer is to place his reader into the story as much as possible. I'm trying to help you reach that goal. Writing isn't easy, and most of the time we need help. That's why authors have editors. I hope some of this has helped you. I appreciate how you took the time to look at this, and I hope we can become friends in the future.

With all regards,

-ChrisTom

 

[Missingno.7-4468]

I am going to agree with most of what ChrisTom said. It could use a lot of work. I found it very boring, and very rushed. The teleportation and poofing didn't help either.

Also, another thing with the conversation with his dad...

What is he supposed to get at the store? Is it dinner, a tool, or something else entirely?

Also, what was the day like outside? Was it sunny and nice? Was it really hot? Was it snowing? Was it raining? These are just some details to think about.

Now, I'll go through some things in Chapter 2...

First of all...Journey? Where did that all of a sudden come from? I doubt that Mike would know that it would be a journey yet, so you may want to make it something like...

Mike knew that in order to be able to stand up to a Pokemon of such great power, he would need to catch more Pokemon, and train them.

Doesn't that sound a little better? It tells what he thinks, shows that he knows how powerful the Pokemon would be if it was to be stronger than Arceus, and it shows that he knows that training is important.

Another thing. Did anything special happen at the Pokemart? Did Mike have an exhilarating conversation with the cashier/a random person shopping? Did he remember to get what he needed for his dad? And most importantly, how did he buy them? Did he just grab them, put the money on the counter and leave? Did he spend a couple minutes at the counter? Did he use cash, credit, or debit? Did the Pokemart work like a normal store, or like it does in the games?

How did Mike get to the field? Did he run? Walk? And where did his bicycle go? Once he was there, how long did it take him to find the Zorua? Did it take him a few minutes? An hour? Did he get tired?

Also, what was the battle like? Was it a long battle? What moves did each Pokemon use? Is either badly hurt?

I know this isn't as detailed as ChrisTom's post, but I figured that it would be enough. Overall, just try to work on your grammar a little, and remember to really go into detail when describing things.