Pokemon's Dilemma

[Sandran]

Pokemon's Delimma
Chapter I- Friends of the Rave


BOOM, BOOM!

The music kept going, no one could stop it, the dancing was wild that night. The dance floor was crouded with people, and everyone was enjoying themselves. The pokemon were, too. The outside noises of rain and thunder were ignored, as the rave continued. The rave hoster of Whistlebranch town was Aaron Willow, the son of Proffesor Willow, the newest proffesor for just Whistlebranch, for the new trainers. Whistlebranch was a town surrounded by savanna. The towns representive pokemon was the Kangaskhan, since they were always running everywhere.

It was a sunny day in Whistlebranch, and the towns top breeder was out side caring for her pokemon. Chrysti Zimmer loved her pokemon, and her favorite was her male Furret, Timothy. Timothy was a cute little furret. He had freckles and everything, hyper too. Aaron had known Chrysti since they were children, and they and their pokemon played all the time.

After afew minutes, Chrysti came back out with her pokefood, she was a mythical pokemon breeder. She bred pokemon based off of the mythical beasts. Cenotaur, a Hypno head on a rapidash body. Cerberus, Three headed dogs with the head of an Arcanine, Mightyena, and Houndoom, and Medusa, Jynx with Tangela hair. She didn't know why she bred them, she just took a liking in them. After she was done feeding, the 13 year old sighed. She went to hang out by the gate, and watch the pokemon eat, while Timmy took a seat on her head.

"Hey."

Chrysti jumped at the voice, Timmy fell off her head, and slammed the floor. Chrysti turned around and noticed it was Aaron.

"Oh, Hey." Chrysti said.
"Quiloone!" shouted Aaron's hybrid pokemon, Quiloon, a Quilava and Linoone mix.
"Hey, Chrysti. Hows it going? I see the pokemon are fine." Aaron grinned, his shiny hair reflecting off the sun.
"I'm fine! The pokemon are fine too, I've got afew pregnant Cenotaur and Cerberus. Hey, you holding a rave tonight?"
"Yeah! This is the rave of the year, remeber?! Its the night all new trainers get their pokemon. I'll be handing them out!" Aaron said in a excited voice.
"I'll be there, then. Want me to bring Timmy?" Chrysti asked.
"Sure, Quilly would like that, she'd be happy to have her best friend there." Aaron grinned.
"All right, see you tonight!" they both yelled at the same time.

Aaron walked off, leaving Chrysti by herself. She went back to her pokemon, treating them happily while checking over the pregnant ones. The rain had stopped, and there were large puddles around. The cenotaurs were having fun splashing in them, and the cerberus were drinking. Timothy ran around impatiently, he wanted to get to the rave now! Chrysti had to calm him down while she went to the store and bought some new rave clothes. She loved raves, she just never got to go, because she was busy with the pokemon. Being top breeder of your town wasn't easy at the least.

Just as night started to dawn, Chrysti grabbed Timmy and sat him on a table. She took her brush and slowly started to comb over him, while the furret made purring like noises. After he was fixed up, he sat by the door and waited for her. Chrysti put on her new rave clothes, fixed up her bright, neon pink hair, and grabbed her glowsticks. She ran to the door, and looked at Timmy.

"Well, lets go."

Timmy jumped onto her shoulder, as Chrysti opened the door, and they walked out, glowsticks glowing in hand, tonight would be fun.


Next Chapter-
Chapter II- The Rave of the Century


( I would really like some help! I really don't know if I've done something wrong yet. Please give me your critiques, I'd like to get alot better! )
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[Sandran]

Chapter II- The Rave of the Century

Well, Chapter 2 is up now. Enjoy.

Chapter II- The Rave of the Century


The door burst open, crowds of people flew into the large inclosed outdoor area. The pink, green, blue, and other neon colors flashed around. There were trees, flowers, and even a stage where the DJ stood, also where talent shows and things were held. Well, Aaron had three giant carts of pokeballs in them, containing the traditional starting pokemon, they got their pokemon differently in Whistlebranch.

As Chrysti slowly walked in the door, her neon pink jacket with neon green pants. She was outstanding, her glowsticks in hand, and a non-toxic one in Timothy's mouth. Suddenly, a big ball of fire and fur struck Timothy to the ground. Chrysti grinned and looked down.

"Come on Quil, get off Timmy." she giggled.
"Quil!" The Quiloone shrieked.
"Furr..." Timmy said madly.
"You guys are silly, Lets get to the rave already!" she ran forward, hopping onto the stage with Aaron, she'd be helping him. As the people stopped flowing in, the doors closed. The lights were shut off, and now only the neon clothes and glowsticks were showing light.

Aaron's voice lit up the place.

"Welcome everyone, to the years BEST rave ever! Are we ready to get this party started!?"

The crowed went wild.

"All right! But first, we need all of this years pokemon trainers to come in please!"

All the children came up, Aaron watched them as they stood proudly. Aaron remebered when it was him up there. They were all happy now, and waiting.

"I won't keep you guys waiting anymore, the first of you three, come up!" as they did, Chrysti directed them to a box.
"Just grab your hand in there, and take a ball. There's one pokemon that no one knows about! If you get it, you'll know."

As the first three got their pokeballs, they threw them at the floor. The first one, which was owned by a skinny little ten year old girl, appeared to be a Chikorita, she'd gotten what she had wanted! The next was an overweight boy, he ended up getting a Squirtle. The last boy was tough looking, and he ended up getting a Treeko. After all of the rewards were passed out, Aaron slowly walked up to the mycrophone.

"All right, lets get this rave STARTED!" as he jumped down off the stage onto the floor, throwing off his coat, with all of his neon clothing on showing now.

Chrysti ran up to Aaron, and raved beside him, twirling her glowsticks. Timothy and Quiloone raved with the other pokemon. Soon after the rave ended, and the place was trashed. As Aaron and Chrysti left, their pokemon trailing behind them, they started a conversation.

"That was a awesome rave." Chrysti said.
"Yeah, It was cool." Aaron sighed, he was pretty tired. "So, when is your next birthing due?"
"Oh, Tina's the next one in line, poor Cerberus. She's due tommorow, actually." Chrysti squealed.
"Well, I better get home, bye! Good luck with Tina." Aaron said as he ran off.
"Yeah.. bye." Chrysti said in a fading voice.

As Chrysti got home, she fed and watered the pokemon, and hopped in bed, Timothy falling asleep on her head. Chrysti would be suprised when she woke up in the morning.

Next Chapter-
Chapter III- Death and Rebirth
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[Sandran]

Anyone? I'd like some suggestions on how to get better, after all, I know I messed up in there.

 

[Prince Peasley]

I'm sorry... but your double posting... Thats not allowed.. I would quickly edit chapter two into your first post and delte ur thrd otherwise a mods gonna be over here pretty soon XD

 

[~Ozy~]

No, posting multiple chapters in a fanfic without a post in between is acceptable last I heard. No worries there. However, bumping a fic is considered somewhat poor form.

As for the fic itself, it's somewhat difficult to see where this is headed, not because of any lack of cogency in the plot if you read it carefully, but because your writing style is very expansive. You overcomplicate your sentences and tend not to vary the length of them. Oftentimes, they'll run on. This works only to confuse the reader.

The other problem I had was that your narritive was detailed in describing the actions of the characters and the events taking place, but there's little visual description to help the reader's mental picture of the setting.

This isn't to say i's worthless and you should throw it out. You show competence in your writing, and the potential for interest. It simply hasn't been realized though. Focus on making your sentences more econoimical and split some of them up. Also add better natural images. You'll do fine.

 

[Sandran]

Thanks for the help! Sorry for bumping it, I just needed some help on improving. x_x I'll surely take your critiques and fix up my story with it. x3 Though I'll have to later, I'm alittle busy at the moment. Thanks again! xD

 

[Blazemxx]

They are all kind of short. You need better descriptions too...

 

[Willow's Tara]

Yeah, it is short, but I think it has potential and when I have the time (And remeber!;)), I will read more chapters as you post..

 

[Margot]

I agree, more description would help the story out a lot but it is pretty good. I would like to read the next chapters so keep up the good work^^

edit: you can double post only if it's to add another chapter so you're fine (I re-checked the rules, so I'm pretty sure^^)

 

[Sandran]

Sorry guys! I'm back, I'll go back to editting it. And what do you mean by descriptions? o_O;; Sorry. I'm just kind've confused. x3; Thanks for the help guys! Anyway, by descriptions does that mean like Character Descriptions or something? ':D

 

[Margot]

yes by descrirption we mean add a little more to whats going on. For example instead of saying,"it was stormy out" you could say "Gray clouds pulled together and made the bright sky dark. Rain began to pound on the pavement.." and so on. It's baisically saying more with more XD I hope this makes sense and that it helps ^^