[Pokémon] PPB (Pokemon Plot Bunnies)

[KaraC]

*looks about cautiously and emerges into the open*
Ah, Hello again!
I've been lurking, I admit. I thought it best to brush up on my boardiquette before I either embarrassed myself or got suspended. Both are unenviable fates.
*snaps fingers* Right, the fanfic!
It's not a fanfic per-se .... more of a collection of one-shots. Anyone who's familiar with my work on FF.net will know what comes after this.
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1 - Lucario and Ash
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She ran.
Leaves wave in her wake, black paws kissing the earth below like raindrops before taking to the trees, trying to shake her pursuers. But the monferno was fast and easily followed as she leapt from branch to branch, from tree to tree. Mankeys leap from her path, chittering but staying away. They know she is strong, and her hunter stronger still.
An angry roar, the Flame Wheel misses but the heat of it's passing still singes her tail. The monferno's master wants her treasure. His Aura is repulsive, stinking of greed and corruption. Something flashes across her senses, another Aura, but different. It is raw, untrained. It is pure and active. It's not far. Desperate, her Aura lashes forward. Half a mile east. A meadow. Help. She changes her course. If they are the same, if the Aura receives hers ...

Mid-step, he froze.
The desperation, the fear sears through him like a hot spear. A heartbeat later he's running. Weaving between the trees and clamouring ungracefully over logs. His ears do not, cannot hear the confused shouts of his friends over the rushing blood. He does not feel the tiny, sharp claws of his pikachu digging into his skin. He feels only the Aura and how it guides him unerringly through the thick forest. Nidoran watch as he sprints by, their senses tell them he has no interest in them. The trees open and reveal a meadow, he bursts through into it and, guided by the Aura, turns to the north.
A pillar of fire, a Fire Spin, erupts through the canopy and towers high. He knows whatever made it is strong, that it's originator is no wild pokemon.
"Buizel! Water Gun!"
"Bui!" The water opens a hole in the wall of flame, a badly singed lucario clutching something leaps through and lands in front of him. Their eyes meet, their Auras mingle, and he knows ...

Fire surrounded her.
She couldn't move without the risk of touching the wall. She hung her head, she'd failed to protect her treasure, her egg. The meadow was so close ...!
Over the roar of the flame, a human voice. The fire hissed and sputtered angrily as it died and revealed green beyond! She leaps with everything she has left and looks up. A human! But not the one chasing her ... could it be ...? Her Aura touches his and it's the one! She feels the honesty, the traces left by Lugia, Celebi. By Latias and Deoxys and another Lucario. She lingers on the touch of the lucario, it is well trained and powerful. Coming to the fore are the traces of yet more of the legends, of Manaphy, Darkrai and Shaymin. They trusted this human, and so would she. She places her treasure in his hands, she can feel his confusion.
"Why me?"
Her hunters are close, as she leaves, unburdened but still wounded, she reflects the trust of the legends to him, magnified so that he feels them as clearly as she. Her trust is in there as well, and her gratitude.

Run run run run ....!
His adrenaline surges as the memory of her flight pulls him in. Suddenly he's the one running, looking back, avoiding the unforgiving flames of the monferno. He's feeling as lucario does, he's feeling his own Aura from lucario's perspective and feeling the rush of hope fill his heart.
He sees the hope as lucario gives him the egg. He still doesn't understand why, so he asks. Lucario flees, but Aura washes over him again and he feels the trust, he remembers the legendary pokemon who trusted him. Lucario wants him to hide, to not draw attention to himself or the new life he now holds.
The sounds of a vicious battle breaks the silence, and he wants so badly to run toward it, to help ...! It takes gritted teeth, hunched shoulders, shadowed eyes and clenched fists to turn and walk away.

 

[Silawen]

Oooh, I love me some one-shots. XD I absolutely adore longer stories, but one-shots just give you the satisfaction of a finished story right away. Hopefully my review will make the story even better. ^^

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She ran.
Leaves waved in her wake, black paws kissing the earth below like raindrops before taking to the trees, as she tried to shake her pursuers.

What I like about this opening is that it's exciting. You start out with action and it will entice readers immediately. They'll want to know more.

The only problem with your opening is that the sentences need some work. For example, you start out with 'she ran', which is past tense, and then jump to 'leaves wave', which is present tense. Try choosing one and sticking to it. I glanced at the rest of the story and you do this a couple of times. Either choose past tense, or stick with present, not both. Personally I'd choose past tense, but that's personal preference.

I also added a few words to the 'trying to shake' part of your sentence. With sentences like that, you should be able to remove the additional information between commas and still have a correct sentence. If you remove the information here, you get a bit of a mess. 'Leaves wave in her wake trying to shake off her pursuers.' The leaves aren't trying to shake off anything. ;)

Unfortunately the monferno was fast and followed her easily as she leapt from branch to branch, from tree to tree.

This sentence confused me a bit, at first, because it seemed to imply that the monferno 'was easily followed', not that it followed her easily. Reading it again, I can see what you meant. However, it'd be cleared if you changed it a bit. I put my suggestions in bolded red.

Mankey leap from her path, chittering but staying away.

The plural of mankey is 'mankey', just as the plural of pokémon stays the same. You never add an s to it. ^^ Also, this is another example where you switch tenses. You started out with 'the monferno was fast' and now it's 'mankey leap'. I'm not going to point out every instance where this happened, but I think you can find them on your own, now. If not, then let me know and I'll show you some more examples.

An angry roar and the Flame Wheel misses, but the heat of its passing still singes her tail.

It's stands for 'it is'. Its is the possessive of 'it'. Here you're looking for the latter, much like 'its fur' and 'its teeth'.

I would add an 'and', because right now you have an unnecessary sentence fragment.

The desperation, the fear, sears through him like a hot spear.

You need a comma after 'fear', because it's a list of information. I would also consider changing spear into something else due to the unwanted rhyming. : P

A heartbeat later he's running, weaving between the trees and clamouring ungracefully over logs.

I would combine the two, or think of an entirely new sentence, because the second sentence can't stand on its own. 'Weaving between the trees and clamouring ungracefully over logs' is not a finished sentence.

His ears do not, cannot, hear the confused shouts of his friends over the rushing blood.

Just like the instance with 'fear', you need a comma here. I'm sure there are more, if you look for them, but I'll leave those for you to find. :)

Nidoran watch as he sprints by, their senses telling them he has no interest in their presence.

It's either 'he sprints by, their senses telling' or 'he sprints by. Their senses tell', not a combination of both. I believe it has to do with the rules of a gerund, but that would turn boring incredibly fast. *grin*

Also, to avoid repetition I'd use something like 'their presence' instead of 'them'.

The trees open and reveal a meadow. He bursts through into it and, guided by the Aura, turns to the north.

These are two separate sentences, so they should be treated as such. They don't have an immediate connection to each other.

He knows whatever made it is strong and that its originator is no wild pokemon.

You should probably use 'and' to combine these two, or just cut them into separate sentences. Also, another case where the possessive of 'it' is 'its'. (Regarding the word 'pokémon', I'm not sure what keyboard you use, but for mine I can get the é by combining ALT and 130 on my numberpad.)

"Bui!" The water opens a hole in the wall of flame, allowing a badly singed lucario, clutching something, to leap through and land in front of him.

You have a habit of combining sentences that shouldn't be combined. You can't always use a comma to throw two sentences together. However, by adding a word such as 'allowing' you can do so here.

You do this with a lot of other sentences as well, but pointing them all out would take too long. Hopefully you can recognize them now. If you don't, feel free to contact me or, even better, get a beta reader to help you out.

But not the one chasing her... Could it be?

'Could it be' is an entirely new sentence, so you'd capitalize it. Also, the second ellipsis isn't necessary.

She feels the honesty, the traces left by Lugia and Celebi, by Latias and Deoxys and another lucario.

Unless she knows that that lucario's name is also Lucario, then you wouldn't capitalize it. I'm assuming you're capitalizing the names of the legendaries here because you're imagining there to be only one, but that's not the case for the lucario.

Her hunters are close and as she leaves, unburdened but still wounded, she reflects the trust of the legends to him, magnified so that he feels them as clearly as she.

Another case of one too many commas.

He's feeling as Lucario does, he's feeling his own Aura from Lucario's perspective and feeling the rush of hope fill his heart.

If this lucario is named 'Lucario', then you need to capitalize it. Otherwise it'd become 'the lucario'. Species name only get capitalized when they're also the names of those specific pokémon. (Ash's pikachu is named 'Pikachu'.) You seem to be doing that - which I'm happy to see - but this sentence is off.

The sounds of a vicious battle break the silence, and he wants so badly to run toward it, to help.

It's either 'the sounds of a battle break' or 'the sound of a battle breaks', not a combination of both. ;) Also, you don't need ellipsis at the end of that sentence, nor do you need the exclamation mark. Him 'wanting it so badly' already show us it's fervent, so you don't need the added exclamation.

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All in all, this is interesting. I don't think it's a one-shot, however, as it brings up too many questions and doesn't quite finish what it started. It's more part one of a three part story, as it were. It's not finished yet.

The plot itself is an interesting one, though it's a bit unclear what exactly is going on. I suppose we'll find out if you ever write a sequel to this.

My biggest concern is your sentence structuring. It's off sometimes and you combine things that shouldn't be combined. I've given a couple of pointers already, but I really think you'd benefit most from getting a beta reader. They could explain things every time you post and make sure that what you post isn't riddled with awkward sentences.

Your spelling is good and your grammar, apart from some instances created due to a misplaced comma, isn't bad, but it's the odd sentences that bring this story down. That and the constant switching of tenses. If you start in past, stick to post. Either it's happening right there and then, or Ash is recalling it. You can't have both.

I think that if you cleaned all that up, it'd really improve what you have here. It does make me curious, though.

Good luck and let me know if you need more help!

 

[KaraC]

*has been mulling over Silawen's post for most of the day*
Well ... *pause* You certainly hit one nail on the head Silawen. I don't have a Beta, nor have ever had one. Didn't think I needed one really. No one has ever actually pointed out flaws in my writing style before, not like you have, or ever even indicated there was a problem. Not online, not even when I was in school.
I read your post in the wee hours of this morning (somewhere between 5 and 6:30 am) and have been swinging between a sense of wonder (as in, 'wow, it's that bad?') and downright indignation ('who does this person think they are? how dare they?'). In the end, it was my inability to hold a grudge that allowed me to think rationally and reply in this calm and accepting manner.
I've thought about Betas before, but my bouts of ... erm ... post-able writing is sporadic at best.
As for the tense-flipping. When I write *pause, trying to find the right words* it's like I'm watching it play out in my head, like an actual episode. Then on the subsequent read through, it conveys what I felt so well, I just don't see them.
I know the first one shot could/should be expanded. But I can't. Anytime I try to expand or continue a bunny like that ... it's forced, it's just not the same. So I write what the bunnies munching on my butt make me just to get it out of my head, post it and hope someone adopts it.

Without further ruminations, here's the next one. It's just an interlude between the capture of Latios and Latias' arrival in Ash's room.

2 - Latias
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Why did they do this? She internally wailed as her body sliced through the waters of the canals as if it were air and she a Pidgeot. Why?
Her brother was gone, stolen and stripped of his powers by humans. Upset and crying she let her heart lead her as she slipped from the water with nary a ripple and continued her blind flight until she found herself slowing to a stop in front of a building.
Here? She wondered as she ascended to the second floor and looked through the open balcony doors. Even in the darkened room, she recognized the unruly mop of black hair peeking out from under the covers and the large yellow ball of fur beside it. The icy grip of fear on her heart slowly unclenched as she watched him sleep. Silently she entered the room, but her presence was noted not by sound or sight, but by smell as Pikachu's nose twitched.
As he awakened, his long yellow and black tipped ears perked up and swivelled around the room before his head turned and his eyes locked on the eyes of the intruder.

 

[Silawen]

Hey! Sorry about replying to your comments so late, but I haven't had much time to sit down and type. (I did read them earlier, however. ;))

I've thought about Betas before, but my bouts of ... erm ... post-able writing is sporadic at best.

Well, you don't have to have the same beta-reader your entire 'writing career'. You could easily finish something, send a request to a beta reader to review just that piece, and ask another person when you finish your next one. Even so, there are many beta-readers who won't mind the long wait between work. ^^

As for the tense-flipping. When I write *pause, trying to find the right words* it's like I'm watching it play out in my head, like an actual episode. Then on the subsequent read through, it conveys what I felt so well, I just don't see them.

This is a prime example why I think having a beta reader for everything you write would be good. If you don't see something, then your beta probably will.

So I write what the bunnies munching on my butt make me just to get it out of my head, post it and hope someone adopts it.

I can understand wanting to get something out of your head, but I don't think this is quite the way to go about it. What you're posting here really isn't a plot bunny. It's a plot bunny you followed and wrote until the halfway part and then posted. If you wanted to suggest plotbunnies for others to write, then you'd be better off giving a summary of the plot, or some sort of storyline. Right now it just seems like you wrote something, but then didn't follow through.

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Why did they do this? she wailed internally while her body sliced through the waters of the canals as if it were air and she a pidgeot. Why?

Here her internal wailing is just like speech. It's almost as if she's wailing to herself, actually, and thus would get the same punctuation. (Or, in this case, lower-case wording after it.)

I would turn 'internally wailed' around, simply because I think it sounds better. However, that's personal preference. I would also use 'while' instead of 'as' to avoid repetition.

If you're talking about a non-specific pidgeot who isn't named 'Pidgeot' then you don't get a capital. You showed in your previous story that you, generally, knew how this worked, so I'm a bit surprised at the mistake.

Here? she wondered as she ascended to the second floor and looked through the open balcony doors.

Same here. 'Here' is speech, sort of, and thus gets a lower-cased word following it. She's wondering the 'here', so they're connected and not separate sentences.

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This is an even more unfinished segment, however. It's disjointed. What's the plotbunny that you were trying to convey here? Latias going all Edward on Ash? I would have preferred to see a bit more, because right now this doesn't seem to be a story, nor is it really a plotbunny for others to write.