Preview: Pokémon Legends: Trouble on Mount Cornet

[Mclena45]

Hey! This is a little story that me and my friend, Javon, are doing. He hasn't made an account yet but he will soon. So please sit back and enjoy the first chapter of: Pokémon Legends: Trouble on Mount Cornet!



Prologue

It was the day of the finals. Allen McLean and his Pikachu, Sparky, were up against an old friend, Javon Allen, and his Electivire. "Welcome to the final round of the Sinnoh tournament! The contestants of this round are: Allen McLean from the Kanto Region and Javon Allen from the Hoenn Region!" Announced the Announcer. "Are you ready?" "Oh yeah!" Both Allen and Javon said in unison. "Alright!! Battle! Start!" "Sparky! Lets do this!" Allen called out. "Electivire! Lets show him whose boss!" Javon cried out.

The battle raged on for an hour. Nether team gave any sign of weakening. "Sparky! Brick break!" "Electivire! Meet him there with Cross Chop!" BANG! The fists of the Pokémon collided in the air and both Pokémon fell to the ground, gasping for air. "Get up!" Allen yelled out. "Blue Lightning!!!!!!" Allen cried. "Thunder Punch!" Javon yelled. Sparky was engulfed in blue electricity and power. Sparky let out a cry followed by thousands of huge streams of lighting, bleached in the color of blue. In a final attempt to win the fight, Electivire jumped up and obeyed his masters orders and defended him self with his Thunder Punch. Light and stray lightning bolts flew everywhere! Then suddenly, a strange figure appeared in the blast as both Sparky and Electivire fell to the ground, passed out. "Is that…? Raikou?" Javon asked. "Yes! Raikou! Your power will be mine!" Yelled out a person in what appeared to be space gear. "Who are you?" Allen demanded. "My name is Cyrus. Learn it. My goal is to harness the power of all Legendary Pokémon, but in order to do that, I'll need some help." Cyrus said. "Yeah? Well guess what. Nether of us are going to help you." Allen told Cyrus. "Is that so? Then I guess I'll need to keep an eye out for you. You might cause some trouble down the line." Cyrus said. Raikou was confused and ran out of the stadium. "Catch him! Don't let him flee!" Cyrus demanded. "Javon! Get the rest and lets follow that Raikou!" Allen called out. But it was too late… Raikou had gotten captured. "I guess the only thing we can do know is warn all the legendarys about Cyrus." Javon said. "Guess so." Allen agreed. Jordan, Javon's brother, Sam, Sheba and Tim, all friends of Allen and Javon, came over to regroup. While returning Electivire to his Poké Ball, Javon said, "Then it's settled! Lets go!" Allen picked up Sparky, not liking his Poké Ball, said, "Then lets go!!!!" "Wait! For tying in the finals you've won these!" The announcer said. "Two eggs!" "Thanks!" Allen said. "Alright! Now, lets go!"

 

[Mclena45]

Hey sorry. I changed the first chapter to the Prologue so you'll get a better understanding of the story.

 

[Feign]

Hey! This is a little story that me and my friend, Javon, are doing. He hasn't made an account yet but he will soon. So please sit back and enjoy the first chapter of: Pokémon Legends: Trouble on Mount Cornet!



Prologue

It was the day of the finals. Allen McLean and his Pikachu, Sparky, were up against an old friend, Javon Allen, and his Electivire. "Welcome to the final round of the Sinnoh tournament! The contestants of this round are: Allen McLean from the Kanto Region and Javon Allen from the Hoenn Region!" Announced the Announcer. "Are you ready?" "Oh yeah!" Both Allen and Javon said in unison. "Alright!! Battle! Start!" "Sparky! Lets do this!" Allen called out. "Electivire! Lets show him whose boss!" Javon cried out.

The battle raged on for an hour. Nether team gave any sign of weakening. "Sparky! Brick break!" "Electivire! Meet him there with Cross Chop!" BANG! The fists of the Pokémon collided in the air and both Pokémon fell to the ground, gasping for air. "Get up!" Allen yelled out. "Blue Lightning!!!!!!" Allen cried. "Thunder Punch!" Javon yelled. Sparky was engulfed in blue electricity and power. Sparky let out a cry followed by thousands of huge streams of lighting, bleached in the color of blue. In a final attempt to win the fight, Electivire jumped up and obeyed his masters orders and defended him self with his Thunder Punch. Light and stray lightning bolts flew everywhere! Then suddenly, a strange figure appeared in the blast as both Sparky and Electivire fell to the ground, passed out. "Is that…? Raikou?" Javon asked. "Yes! Raikou! Your power will be mine!" Yelled out a person in what appeared to be space gear. "Who are you?" Allen demanded. "My name is Cyrus. Learn it. My goal is to harness the power of all Legendary Pokémon, but in order to do that, I'll need some help." Cyrus said. "Yeah? Well guess what. Nether of us are going to help you." Allen told Cyrus. "Is that so? Then I guess I'll need to keep an eye out for you. You might cause some trouble down the line." Cyrus said. Raikou was confused and ran out of the stadium. "Catch him! Don't let him flee!" Cyrus demanded. "Javon! Get the rest and lets follow that Raikou!" Allen called out. But it was too late… Raikou had gotten captured. "I guess the only thing we can do know is warn all the legendarys about Cyrus." Javon said. "Guess so." Allen agreed. Jordan, Javon's brother, Sam, Sheba and Tim, all friends of Allen and Javon, came over to regroup. While returning Electivire to his Poké Ball, Javon said, "Then it's settled! Lets go!" Allen picked up Sparky, not liking his Poké Ball, said, "Then lets go!!!!" "Wait! For tying in the finals you've won these!" The announcer said. "Two eggs!" "Thanks!" Allen said. "Alright! Now, lets go!"

Hmmm it seems like you wrote this pretty fast, the plot seems to be going into overdrive. Also to point out, each dialogue from a different character, requires a new paragraph. That is why using a program like Word helps. Also, Pokemon battles (even though they are the most common thing) are also one of the hardest things to write on. That is because when authors tend to write them, they sound as though they are turn-based. Like the game. It is something to work upon, for everyone.

What your prologue seems to be lacking most though is personality. I don't get a sense of who the characters are, and what they truely are. One second they are passionate battlers, the next they suddenly disagree with Cyrus because of some reason.

Also you'll need to describe the setting and actions a lot more too, I'm not even sure if the main characters have moved on from the arena, but it makes it sound like they have.

There seems to be a lot of conviences too, if you have too many of these however your characters might end up like Mary Sues as some form of chosen ones. While this isn't entirely bad, it has somewhat been overdone, so unless if it is done well, then it can work. Usually a great personality would accompany this to compliment the "conviences".

 

[Neutrino]

I agree with Feign. It felt slighty, well, short. If it were longer, and mroe detailed and packed, it would look totally better.

 

[javon89]

ok i get where you're going with this, the prolouge seems to be rushed (btw i'm the co-writer) me and mclena45 have two different styles. I tend to write in a little more detail and give my character more of a backstory and personality, I realize that i need to do this with the rest of main characters to make it satisfying for the reader when we release chapter 1(which is done) we'll edit and try to put more of an "bang!" in the story.

 

[Feign]

You don't really need a back story, if you don't want to write a lot more. You could add small stuff to existing portions.

Like:

Allen gave the slightest hint of a smirk, he enjoyed this pokemon battle, and would see it to the end, no matter what.


What would you say this character's personality was like?

It has already been touched on, through dialogue in the fic, however, dialogue and narration are two very different things. Dialogue is not always the truth, while narration usually is.

Of course you can take the same sentence I wrote above and tweak some words around:

Allen gave the slightest hint of a smirk, he enjoyed watching the pokemon battle, and would see it to the end, no matter what, even if it meant cheating.

It can be quite fun and easy to change a character's personality. ;)

 

[javon89]

Here is the new and possibly improved prolouge enjoy :D

Prologue

It was the day of the finals for the Sinnoh World Cup Tornament, the two friends who had fires in their eyes had made it to the finals ready to prove who was the best.
"Hey, Allen, it's great that we both are in the finals, well, meet you in the ring." said Javon.
"We haven't battled in awhile since we were so busy training." replied Allen.
The duo walked off through the bright tunnel to the battlefield......
Allen McLean and his Pikachu, Sparky, were up against Javon Allen, the former Champion of Hoenn, and his Electivire! The stadium was full of tension as Javon and Allen entered the stadium, even though they were best friends they didn't even think of showing any mercy, this was it!
"Welcome to the final round of the Sinnoh tournament! The contestants of this round are: Allen McLean from the Kanto Region and Javon Allen from the Hoenn Region!" announced "the Announcer". "Are you ready?"
"Oh yeah!" Both Allen and Javon said in unison.
"Alright!! Battle! Start!"
"Sparky! Let's do this!" Allen called out.
"Electivire! Let's show him whose boss!" Javon cried out.

The battle began and raged on for an hour. Neither team gave any sign of weakening and kept up with each other. It was amazing to the spectators as they cheered on for the aspiring trainers
"Sparky! Brick break!" shouted Allen
"Electivire! Meet him there with Cross Chop!" BANG! The fists of the Pokémon collided. The energy of the two Pokémon was amazing and, almost terrifying. In the air both Pokémon fell to the ground, gasping for air!
"Get up, Sparky use Thunderbolt!" cried Allen.
Sparky was in pretty bad shape but was not ready to lose. Sparky started to charge up the electricity in his body and was ready to release the attack.
"Electivire stay right where you are!" shouted Javon.
Sparky released the Thunderbolt and Electivire was ready to take the attack, Allen thought this seemed strange for Javon to let Electivire take an attack like that. Then it hit him! It was Electivires' ability, Motor Drive!
Wait Sparky! Don't release it!" shouted Allen.
But it was too late, Electivire collected energy and became more powerful than before and felt pumped to strike back with his ability activated!
"This is absolutely perfect! Electivire can now move 2 times his speed and attack faster!" Javon thought to himself "Answer back with, Thunder Punch!" Javon yelled.
Electivire charged his fist with electricity with great voltage attacked back at double his speed and hit Sparky!
"Darn it!!!!" shouted Allen angrily.
As Javon heard that scream, a wide grin spread across his face, he now knew Allen was losing his cool. This meant the battle was in his complete control, and he would never let an opportunity like this to win the battle, slip away, on his life!
"Sparky use Blue Lightning!" commanded Allen.
"Barrage Sparky with Ice Punch!" shouted Javon.
Electivire charged at Sparky with fists of icy energy and slugged at Sparky. Sparky dodged them at great speed, charging up at the same time. Frankly, Javon was very impressed, he had never seen a Pokémon do this technique before, it was amazing and knew the attack was going to be strong! After the countless Ice Punches Electivire gave Sparky, they all missed. Then Sparky blew him away with a Brick Break and Electivire was pushed back a far distance! Now was Sparky's chance, he took a couple of seconds to charge and started to glow, the attack was now complete!
Sparky was being engulfed in blue electricity and power. Sparky let out a cry followed by thousands of huge streams of lighting, bleached in the color of blue.
"Electivire protect yourself! That attack is going to be big!!!!" shouted Javon.
In a final attempt to win the fight, Electivire jumped up and obeyed his masters' orders and defended himself with his Thunder Punch. Then Sparky charged Electivire to hit him with Blue Lightning, but the attack was held back by Electivire! Electivire followed up with a second Thunder Punch that was stronger than the last, Allen then realized that Electivire was holding back the entire time, he then looked at Javon and saw a confident grin, they were both holding back! Light and stray lightning bolts flew everywhere! Both Pokémon were in a tug-of-war for power, pushing at each other. The great voltage summoned a thunderstorm. Then it happened, a strange figure appeared in the blast as both Sparky and Electivire fell to the ground, passed out. Then Javon looked to see the Pokémon. Its' aura was so great even Javon could feel it, this was no ordinary Pokémon, then a stream of memory pulsed his brain.
"Is that…? Raikou?" Javon asked.
"Yes! Raikou! Your power will be mine!" Yelled out a strange emotionless man in what appeared to be spacesuit. He was on an enormous battleship, full of traps aimed at Raikou!
"No it can't be, I thought you were dead!!!" cried Javon.
His attention to the battle was totally lost. The very man who almost destroyed his town and almost killed his first Pokémon was there before him, a great rage surged through him, but he couldn't do anything he was too far away!
"Who are you?" Allen demanded.
The spectators of the battle were all gasping in awe as they saw the Pokemon of legend. Most were running away in terror.
"My name is Cyrus, the leader of Team Galactic. I am pleased to meet you. My goal is to harness the power of all Legendary Pokémon, but in order to do that, I'll need some help." Cyrus said. "I heard you two have become powerful trainers, and I would like to recruit you and help me make a new world!!!!
"Yeah? Well guess what. Neither of us are going to help you." Allen told Cyrus.
"Is that so? Then I guess I'll need to keep an eye out for you. You might cause some trouble down the line." Cyrus said. "Anyway, I must keep my eye on the prize..."
He then turned his attention to Raikou.
Raikou was confused of all this and ran out of the stadium.
"Catch him! Don't let him flee!" Cyrus demanded.
"Javon! Get the rest of the gang and let's follow that Raikou!" Allen called out. But it was too late… Raikou had gotten backed into a corner with the battleship ready to capture it. Then suddenly Raikou let out a thunderous roar that blew the ship away!
Cyrus grew impatient and frustrated at his grunt's mistake.
"Open fire!!"
In panic Javon rushed to the bleachers, boulders flew everywhere as the battleship blasted rockets at Raikou! Trying to dodge them he saw the crew right across the benches then a giant rock crashed down blocking his way, what was he supposed do now?
" Swampert, my buddy! Come out, I need your help!" shouted Javon as he threw the poke ball. " I need you to break that rock so I can get to my friends" said Javon.
Swampert answered with a simple nod and punched the boulder! It broke into tiny pieces and Swampert acted like it was nothing! Javon was able to reach his friends on the benches and Swampert followed behind.
"Javon, what's going on!" asked his younger brother, Jordan, very confused.
"He's back, Jordan! CYRUS IS BACK!" screamed Javon.
Jordan instantly flew into shock as this man could cause the destruction of the world!!!
"There's no time to waste! Follow me." said Javon sternly.
Meanwhile back at the stadium. Raikou was dashing away from Cyrus, and he was quickly gaining on him! Raikou picked up but then suddenly slipped! Cyrus saw his chance and fired a net at it! Raikou was caputured! The battleship quickly picked up their bounty and flew off at high speed.
"No!!!" shouted Javon. "He got away! Now he's gonna go after the all the other legendary Pokémon and destroy the world! If only I did something sooner!" cried Javon.
"Come on stop beating yourself up Javon, it's not like he gotten all the legendaries" said Allen calmly
"I guess the only thing we can do know is warn all the legendarys about Cyrus." Javon said.
"Guess so." Allen agreed.
Jordan, Javon's brother, Sam, Sheba and Tim, all friends of Allen and Javon, came over to regroup with them. Allen and Javon told the gang what had just happened in full detail.
"So he got away....?" asked Sam.
"Unfortunately and he's got Raikou, there is no telling what he's going to do with its' power!" exclaimed Allen. "We have to go after him!"
While returning Swampert and the tired Electivire to his Poké Ball, Javon said, "Then it's settled! Let's go! If you and your loved ones don't want to die, suggest you come, all of you."
Javon could tell this was not going to be easy, even though he has dealt with these people before he could tell that they had something bigger planned, he was almost shook up with fear when thought of the fires coming from the houses of LittleRoot town, he never wanted that to happen again....
"We're not gonna stay behind like little cowards" exclaimed Tim
"That's the spirit!" exclaimed Javon cheered up from before.
Allen picked up Sparky, not liking his Poké Ball, said, "Then let's get going!"
"Wait! For tying in the finals you've won these!" The announcer said.
He was confused, dazed and very scared from the events that just happened. He then handed the two a couple of Pokémon eggs, one sky blue with three rock hard bumps on the top, and the other, light purple that had two emblems on the sides.
"Two eggs?! Thanks!" Allen said. "Alright! Now, let's go!"
[FONT=&quot]The boys quickly took off out the now ruined stadium and into the forest to start their quest to save the world and nothing was going to stand in their way![/FONT]

 

[Feign]

:S >.> Sorry to be the bringer of bad news and all, but it is pretty much the same problem.

Though I can understand that you probably do not wish to butcher your friend's original storyline.

I can help in further detail if you want.

 

[javon89]

aww man, i really don't know how to get any better than this.....

 

[Feign]

Hmmm I'm going to try to be as thorough of myself as possible, so I hope this helps. It's okay to be downed by this too, learning to write good is a life long thing.

I think what the story is lacking is characterization, as a reader, we want to get a sense of how the character acts and reacts.

Let me take an excerpt:

It was the day of the finals for the Sinnoh World Cup Tornament, the two friends who had fires in their eyes had made it to the finals ready to prove who was the best.

Okay, well the first portion is fine, but suddenly we are transferred to the attention of the main characters. Perhaps you can give the reader an idea of how grand the tournament is, then it will not only seem big, but entertaining, which would explain your characters' feelings at the time.

Sometimes what can bring in the mood (as opposed to starting off with a description) is dialogue made by any character. For example a commentator could should to the fans about the tournament's current positions or something like that. Then you get the fan's reactions.

With the above, the reader could establish that this event is big. Now, zoom in on the main characters who are about to battle. You can again start off with a description of both, or dialogue, both ways help to gain characterizations on how the character is like.

For example, if we went with descriptions first, you could give them generic battling attire (or whatever), and then say they would be wearing an expression of courage, or something related to battling.

With the dialogue bit, you can have them shouting out loud when they hear their name being called down, or even just vehemently glad to be in the finals.

To the reader, this sets up that the two characters are empowered by the battle, that they love to in fact. However, this does not denote their moral compass. That is to say, they could love to battle, but for all we know they could be psycho axe killers. Thus you bring in Cyrus. I'm not 100% sure Cyrus would state his obvious intentions (especially to kids), but their reaction might be too sudden. Sure they might disagree with Cyrus' views, but they can also be chickens. The best way to counteract this though is confidence, if you show that they have confidence in the battle itself (like trusting their pokemon), then there is a more realistic chance they would stand up for what is right.

Think of it like a step program, that one thing at a time occurs, and builds up on that. As also I don't think they would immediately decide to go on the journey to help the other Legendaries (especially if there is law enforcement that could do the same). Perhaps the best way to allow them this rite is to give them more credit or rather more "allowance". This might drive up the gary-stu/mary-sue factor (stereotypical undynamic characters), but if explained properly, can be a perfect inclusion in the story.

For example perhaps after they receive their eggs they also receive x object attributed to being some kind of savior. A traditional means if you will. Of course however, this sounds familair (ie Pokemon movie 2).

So I hope I helped a little bit sor far. :)