Prince of Pokémon (Pokemon Tf)

[pokemonpokemonpokemon59]

Prince of Pokémon (Pokemon Tf)(I know the prefix says other but this is pokemon!)

Chapter one: The dream

It was a long night. Longer than I was expecting. The Fire blazed. My only chance of turning back, gone.
Haunter and Kadabra were crying, too. Never being human….
Never being human…..

My name is Mike, Mike Ekohcam. Weird name, huh?
It was 11PM and my Italian project was due in 13 hours.
I didn't want to be the laughing stock of the class, especially since I didn't do anything.
I was deciding what to do about roman history when it struck me. I could build a Lego set to bring in!
I know that probably wasn't the best thing I could do, but I had already found my 2 boxes
of Lego.
I was tired, so I said "stuff it" and went to bed, doing my Italian project in the morning.
That was what I thought, anyway.

I had the strangest dream. I was strapped to a table, lying down. The room was brightly decorated, walls painted with pictures of pokemon, which was odd for a lab.
A man wearing a lab coat came into the room.

"Hello, my name is Dr Samus Nical. Are you ready for the experiment?" he asked.

"Experiment?" I repeated.

"Yes, we are testing if humans can become pokemon," he explained in a calm voice, seemingly having no emotions.

"WHAT?!?!" I shouted. I was angry, not only that human beings were being turned into pokemon, but pokemon do exist.

"Be quiet. It won't hurt…." Samus replied.
I felt a jab in my neck, and then I blacked out.



EDIT: I have just finished part 2, however, I'd prefer a couple posts before posting part two.

Please let me know what you think! Thank you!

 

[bobandbill]

It's not a bad beginning but it could use some improvements I feel, namely with proofreading. Firstly, are you writing this in a word processor or just in the reply box? If the latter than I advise using Word, or if you don't have that OpenOffice (free to download) or Google Docs (free to use), and make use of a spelling/grammar checker (there are free online ones you can use as well). I suggest that as a few of the errors you made would have been picked up by such a thing.

One consistent error is that you capitalise more than you should for instance. Only proper nouns (names, important events/places, the like) and the first word in a sentence should have a capital, but for instance:

My name Is Mike, Mike Ekohcam.

"Be quiet. It won't hurt…." Samus Replied. I felt a Jab in my neck, and then I blacked out.

'is', 'replied' and 'jab' don't need to be capitalised as they don't fulfill any of the criterion.

Another thing to note is that with stories on the internet (and forums by extension) you'd want to use line spacing between each paragraph, so it's easier to read. It's not such a problem here as there isn't much content but it definitely helps. You'd also want to make a new paragraph each time someone different talks - for instance here:

"Hello, my name is Dr Samus Nical. Are you ready for the experiment?" He asked. "Experiment?" I repeated. "Yes, we are testing if humans can become pokemon." He explained.

There should be a new paragraph each time someone else speaks.

On the note of dialogue, you'd also want to watch punctuation with dialogue as well as what follows in terms of capitalisation. Basically, if what follows the dialogue flows on and can be treated as one sentence with it (e.g. it tells us who said the dialogue, and/or how it was said) then there's no need for capitalising the word right after the dialogue if it's not a proper noun (e.g. a name), and a full stop shouldn't be used in the dialogue either. Some examples:

"This is dialogue," said the man.

- here 'said' isn't capitalised and there's a comma after dialogue because we can treat the whole thing as one sentence. ('Said the man.' by itself doesn't sound right as its own sentence as well on that note).

"I am shouting!" she replied.

- even with exclamation marks you still treat it as one sentence - the only exception is with full stops:

"Please don't." The man then covered his ears.

- As the part following the dialogue works as its own sentence and shouldn't be linked to the dialogue, it gets a capital T for The and a full stop is used in the dialogue.

So coming back to the above quote box, it should look like this:

"Hello, my name is Dr Samus Nical. Are you ready for the experiment?" he asked.

"Experiment?" I repeated.

"Yes, we are testing if humans can become pokemon," he explained.

Lastly, I'd suggest adding more to the story to make it more interesting - for instance, what is Mike feeling when he is told that by the doctor? How does the doctor say his lines - in a monotonic matter, or does he perhaps sound a bit mad and gives a wide grin as he says his lines? Try showing us how things happen in the story, as it'll both make it longer and make for more intriguing reading as well.

Those are the general points anyways - I'd suggest editing the first chapter first and maybe checking out other fics as well to see how other people do it. Good luck with your fic!

 

[pokemonpokemonpokemon59]

Thanks! I am actually using word. I'll go through chaps one and two and re-do them sorta. I think I might put chapter two up soon.

Chapter two: Kadabra and Haunter

I woke up in a small jail cell. Except I wasn't in jail, I was somewhere else. I realized that it wasn't a dream anymore. I peered out to all the other cells. Some were empty, most filled with pokemon, screaming. I was alone in my cell. My neighbors were a Kadabra and Haunter. Kadabra was meditating and Haunter was no where to be found. I knew it was a Kadabra and Haunter because of the signs on the door. Kadabra stop meditating and stared at me.

"Um…hi?" I said.

"So another one. I think that's 47 pokemon now." Kadabra said.

"What? Another what? Another pokemon?" I asked.

"Yep" He replied.

"I'm not a pokemon! I'm a human!" I said back.

"Pfft. The newbies never learn. You're a Machoke now. Not a human, a Machoke. All the other pokemon used to be humans. Even me and the obnoxious ghost next door." He explained.

"Obnoxious? How is he-"

"BOO!"

"AHHHHHHH!!!!!!" I screamed.
I was greeted by a Haunter.

"See, obnoxious." Kadabra said.

"Hi, I'm your neighbor, Haunter. Pleased to meet you!" He greeted me.

"You scared the hell out of me!" I screamed.

"Meh." He replied.

"Ok…..I want to know what the hell is going on here! Pokemon aren't real!" I exclaimed angrily.

"Well-"Kadabra started.

*THUD*

"-I'll explain later."
The wall on one side of the corridor opened up, revealing Dr Samus and about a dozen researchers. Dr Samus came up to my cell.
"So how is my new test subject going?" He asked.

I said nothing.

"Silent are we? Well I need to do a couple more experiments. But don't worry, for you they are good."

"Fine." I said.

"Come with me" he said.

I did. We reached a testing chamber. I stepped in the middle. I felt a zap through my body. I felt stronger. A command came over the PA

"Use a move that Machoke cannot normally learn, like…. Ice beam!"

I felt frosty in my mouth. I spat out a beam of ice. I was amazed at what I could do now. Maybe, I could escape….

Tell me what you think!
I am actually surprised at me doing 2 chaps today. I think I might actually start chapter 3, where all the fire comes in. (Chap 1:The Fire blazed.)_

 

[pokemonpokemonpokemon59]

Ok chapter 3, its big. Took almost 2 pages on word:

Chapter three: A plan gone wrong.

I was back in my cell, amazed at my new power. Samus had said that some moves couldn't be learnt. Those were pokemon signature moves. Plus a couple others.
I told Kadabra what had happened.

"Wow, that has never happened to any of the other pokemon before. Either they just finished making it, or you were special." He wondered.

Special? I thought. I'm not special. Not that I know of anyway. All I am is an 11 year old boy who plays computer a lot and almost never goes outside. Probably the only thing special about me is that I'm a bit of a computer and video games nerd, and a Machoke.

"Well. Whatever it is, we can use it to our advantage. We can escape." I replied, happy about the thought of escaping weird Dr Samus.

"You want to escape too?" I asked Kadabra.

"Yes I do. You and Haunter are the only ones I've actually talked to. Ask Haunter if he wants to escape, too." Kadabra said, full of glee, which was unusual, but considering I didn't even know him for a week, I just went along with it.

I moved to the other side of the cell. "Hey Haunter, me and Kadabra are going to escape, want to escape with us?" I asked.

"Ok, I was actually thinking of escaping too, when I first became a Haunter because I thought I could float through the wall, but I was wrong. Count me in!" Haunter said, with glee also.

I planned it out perfectly. Nothing could go wrong. Except everything.

It was Sunday. I knew that because of the calendar in the cell I almost burnt up using flamethrower.

Time to escape. Kadabra and Haunter were wide awake. "Haunter diversion now!" I told him.

"Ok!" He replied.

He turned invisible and floated through the cell. One by one, he opened all of the cells, causing a diversion AND a rampage. Kadabra angered a Dragonite and it blast a hole through the wall using hyper beam. I could've done that. But I needed my energy.

"Haunter, Kadabra, lets go!" I shouted over the noise.

We ran outside. I used Fly to fly Kadabra over the tall barrier and haunter floated over it like a balloon. It was intense, getting out of that Pokemon Hellhole. We saw scientists flood the entrance with these weird Pokeball launcher things. I didn't know what it could do. And I didn't want to know.

"I'll slow them down, Fire Blast!" I yelled, over the bangs of pokeballs going off.

I shot a star of brightly light fire past the scientists with Pokeball launchers, but to the facility.

"Do'h!" I exclaimed.

I flew past the scientists with Pokeball launchers to the facility.

"Hydro Pump!" I blasted an intense spray of water, but it was too late.

The Fire blazed. My only chance of turning back, gone.
Haunter and Kadabra were crying, too. Never being human….
Never being human…..

"Are they, are they…?" Kadabra started….

"Dead? Yes I'm afraid so." Haunter said.

"I'm sorry but we have to go now! We got a bunch of mad- Hey, is that a Ho-oh?!"
I was amazed.

Ho-oh flew over the now burnt facility, spreading rainbow sparkles over it. Soon those who died reappeared on top of the ash, wondering what happened. The 44 pokemon were all calm, unlike the horrifying screams before.

We all gasped and said together "Oh. My. God."

I flew to the nearest town. I used Transform to transform into a human and signaled to haunter and Kadabra to hide, while I got supplies. I admit I did rob some people of their money, but considering the situation we were in, it wouldn't really matter, because scientist that worked in chain labs were looking for us, and when we were captured and taken back, we would be the slaves they wanted us to be. Pokemon.

What do you think? I think I might take a break today at writing chapters. I hope this story is good.