Okay, I'm going to be super blunt to start things off, but I hope you'll bear with me.
Anyway, please, please,
please separate your paragraphs by hitting the enter key
twice between each line, not once. I know in print, you're supposed to indent, but forums don't recognize indentations. As a result, everything gets pushed to the left margin, which means your writing becomes a wall of text. You can read more about what I mean and why it's a bad thing on
this guide that I'm linking you to right now, but the other reason why I say this isn't good is because it
literally makes my eyes hurt to read fics formatted this way. And I actually have decent vision. (No glasses or anything.) So, if it's hard for
me to read it because of health reasons, it's probably hard for other people to read it.
Beyond that, another tip: slow down. I've noticed that you have nine stories published so far, all of them only on the first chapter. This means your attention is divided nine different ways. While it's possible for an author to write a couple stories at once, nine is really overdoing it. It means you can't plan very well for all nine fics, spend time developing the characters or plot, or even take care proofreading carefully because you're trying to focus on getting the chapters for all your other fics done so they don't end up becoming inactive. If you can, kudos, but even then, it sends a certain message to your readers – namely, that you're not taking any one of them seriously.
Third tip I'm going to give you before I start into the fic itself: don't type it on Pokécommunity. As in, if what you're doing is hitting "new thread" and typing your fic in the reply box, this is considered to be a bad thing. (I'm guessing this is what you're doing based on
this thread.) It means you're rushing to get a fic out because you can't save your incomplete work. You also don't have the ability to spell check. Instead, you should write your fic on a word processing document (such as Microsoft Word, OpenOffice, or
Google Docs –
not Notepad). That way, you can save your work without having to make it public before it's ready, and you have different tools to help you develop your story.
Google Docs is a really good resource if you can't save on your own computer. It's a program that saves your work to your Google account, meaning it's all online but still private. Not only that, but it's an easy way to send your work to a beta reader because your beta can access that document easily and make changes without having to download it themselves.
Speaking of which,
beta readers. They're really helpful kinds of people who will go over your work
before you submit it to a forum. They'll be able to point out plot flaws, grammar oddities, and places where you could improve the story in general. Get one and work closely with them. Of course, you'll also want to know that you'll still have to proofread before sending them anything… and proofread carefully.
The reason why I say that last part is because right off the bat, I can tell you've got a few grammar issues. For example, semicolons ( ; ) are only used in two situations: to link together three or more items in a list if each item already has a comma or to put together two complete thoughts in a compound sentence without a conjunction.
This guide will help you understand semicolons a bit better. While you're at it, check out
this guide to understanding how to punctuate dialogue. Note that the third rule says to surround a tag line (or dialogue tag – the part that says "he said" or something to the effect)
if it's interrupting a sentence. If you've got more than two sentences surrounding it, you'll need a period.
It gets confusing, but the best way to perfect your grammar in a story is just to learn the rules. If your school's not teaching you these kinds of things, check out some guides by looking them up through Google. You can even make use of PC as well; we have
a handy list of resources to help you figure out what to do.
Anyway, that's enough about mechanics. Let's talk about the story itself, shall we?
Now, because I'm having difficulty reading this, I'm going to have to take it line by line. I'm not going to quote it, but I'll try to mention where in the story I am as I list off my thoughts while reading this. If you need me to specify what I'm talking about a little more, feel free to ask.
1. To start things off, I really hope you're not going to be signaling a switch in POVs every time it happens by stating who's speaking. In general, you'll want to avoid switching POVs anyway because it ends up looking rather messy – like you couldn't decide who should be telling the story. It's pretty much the same reason why you wouldn't switch between third person (narrator who isn't in the cast is telling the story) and first person (one of the characters is telling the story). It means you're not focusing on any particular style, so the information the reader ends up getting becomes inconsistent because we're swinging from one mindset to another. Now, I have to say that I've only seen
one novel that has actually pulled this off (
Mindscape by Andrea Hairston, in case you're wondering), but generally, this is a difficult feat to achieve. Authors generally
don't want their story to jump from one person's view of it to another.
It might help to use third person omniscient instead. (That means the narrator is not only not a character in the story, but they're also psychic and can take a look into the minds of every single cast member.) That way, you can still get viewpoints without accidentally making the reader see your cast as a bunch of unreliable narrators when you don't want them to be. (An unreliable narrator is a person who can't be trusted to tell the truth about what actually happened, but they're telling the story anyway. This is another reason why switching POVs so much in one story isn't a good idea – because conflicting POVs make it difficult for a reader to figure out which version of the events they're watching is the one they should trust.)
2. I do have to say you have a strong opening line. It sets up the mood, and it gives a hint to the theme that you'll be using throughout the story. That and it gives the reader a glimpse of what kind of character April is. She obviously respects her father's advice, but she's also casual (given the fact that she says she doesn't feel so hot) and relatable. That and I'm a sucker for slightly cheesy anime-esque quotes. I mean, that quote sounds like it could feel right at home in a
Yu-Gi-Oh script, which actually isn't that bad because it's cute and heartwarming anyway.
3. I'm a little bit wary about the mention of abuse here. For one, the fact that her father is an angry alcoholic seems to conflict with the fact that he also said the line she cherishes enough to begin her story with. I mean, we go into the story thinking, "Oh, hey! Her father's this really cool guy! She must love him if he says really inspirational stuff like that!" And then, we find out he's actually abusing her. You can probably understand that it's a little bit jarring because it's like we got opposite ends of the spectrum right there. (Side note? Not all alcoholics are angry and abusive.)
Second, wouldn't someone notice if this has gone on for some time? I mean, bruises aren't exactly easy to hide, and not all bruises are physical. Sometimes, abuse can be detected as easily as noticing whether or not someone's behavior is a little off, and if you're being abused, you're probably not going to act like sunshine and daisies. I can't exactly say that you're going to be depressed and mopey all the time either (especially if you take the Stepford Smiler route), but I
can safely say that people will notice that you're acting a little weird. Abuse just affects you on a lot of levels, and not all of those levels are easy to hide.
Third, abuse is a pretty serious subject. Like I just said, it
always affects a person in pretty major ways. (Not just occasionally. Not just sometimes.
Always. It's just that not everyone shows it the same way.) It can also be triggery to a reader (read: make them feel profoundly depressed/make them remember pretty bad things that they'd rather not remember) if they're not warned about it before the fic starts. But more importantly, it's one of those issues you'll have to take pretty seriously to avoid sounding, well, a little on the ignorant side. I know that was a terrible way of putting it, but yeah, it's a bad thing to make your character go through some pretty serious stuff without actually understanding what it's like to go through those kinds of things. Some people might be offended. Others might actually be turned off because your fic ends up reading as if you're not taking those issues seriously.
In other words, things like abuse are just tender subjects. The last thing you want to do is just mention them without really intending on showing how that kind of thing leaves some permanent scars (emotionally or physically) on a character. It's especially bad if you're doing it just to make the character have a sad past instead of because you want it to be an extremely important part of who they are.
4. While we're on the subject, self-harm. Probably even a bigger issue because maybe it's just me, but I've met a lot more cutters than I have abuse victims. So, I'm just going to say that you'll probably have more readers who were or are cutters than readers who were or are victims of abuse. (This isn't to say that self-harm is a more important issue than abuse. If you're facing
either, it's extremely vital that you try your hardest to get help.) But like abuse, self-harm is
also both a potential trigger and something you don't want to take lightly. It's not cool to do. It doesn't make a character more interesting to see them do it. It's a
serious issue, and you just
shouldn't have a character do it unless you're prepared to explore clinical/chronic depression on a deep level. That means showing us a carefully designed character who's seriously affected by depression – which means you'll have to do a lot of research (or, if you actually suffer from this kind of thing, a
lot of meditation) in order to show it as accurately as you can. Otherwise, it could actually – and I mean this as gently as possible – .strike a reader as being intensely offensive.
Other side note? Not all people who suffer from depression are
emo constantly complaining about their inner pain. Sure, they might feel run-down and negative a
lot (because that's kinda the definition and all), but they're not constantly thinking to themselves, "Oh God, I'm in so much
pain. Everything
hurts." Instead, they might think something along the lines of, "Oh God, I'm so ****ing worthless. My entire situation is hopeless. I'm a failure, and it's no wonder why I can't have a decent relationship." It's hard to explain (although I guess you can say a lot of people with depression don't really focus on the pain so much as what they think is
causing the pain), but basically, the kids who write emo poetry are not the majority of the people who suffer from depression. (Many of those kinds of people aren't called "depressed" so much as "teenagers" anyway. Not saying that all teenagers or "my heart is so black" kinds of poets are faking it. Just that there's a lot who are, which is really pretty unfortunate, you know?)
5. Catherine. Who is this girl? Just a classmate? April's best friend? If she's the latter, why didn't she notice that April was zoning out and looking depressed over the idea of going home? (The zoning out part would probably be a good sign that something was up.) Moreover, if they're friends, why did the conversation suddenly stop at "don't forget about our project"? Wouldn't they continue to hang out a bit? Walk together? Things like that? Is April actually alone in this school?
Other than that, this is pretty short, so it's hard to get a good fix on what I should make of it. Despite the fact that this is told in first person, we don't really get a good glimpse of the characters. There's April, who I have yet to form an opinion about because you've got a lot of heavy stuff on her shoulders. She's an abuse victim
and a cutter, but we haven't really gotten a chance to see how both shaped who she is besides the fact that she doesn't want to go home. Then, there's Catherine, who we literally don't get to know at all (we don't even get a physical description of her) before she disappears out of the fic without a trace.
As you can tell by the fifth point, the end result is that we're left with a lot of questions. While the first chapter isn't meant to answer every question about the fic or present the characters in their entirety, it also shouldn't leave us with the kinds of questions I just asked you. We're not really given a good look at April, so we don't know if anyone should have been walking with her/should be noticing the warning signs of abuse or if she's actually completely and utterly alone in that school. We don't know if the accident could have been avoided (or at least have another character attempt to prevent it). In general, we just don't get a good look at the world around April beyond the fact that her family is broken. In short, there's just not much here at all.
You can remedy this by taking it slowly. Add more detail. Describe your characters. Let them interact a little bit more, and let them show more emotions. Don't rush to get from Point A (in this case, the beginning) to Point B (the car accident in this chapter, for example). As a wise man once said, "Life's a journey, not a destination." The same is true for stories. Telling a story isn't about getting to all of the plot points you have in mind. Instead, it's about what happens to the characters along the way. Remembering this will help you slow down your story and add more chances for your character to interact with the world and characters around them, and in turn, that will help you develop an entertaining plot and deep, well-rounded characters.
I won't say that there's nothing in this fic that can be redeemed. (And I say this because I've skimmed the other reviews you've gotten.) I can tell you're pretty new and that you're eager to start writing. You just have to take it easy and be careful with what you're doing, and that will help you to make the improvements you really do need to make this fic work.
