[Pokémon] Rapide the Eevee

[Gardenia101]

Rated G Suitable for all ages blah blah blah

Prolugue
The tribe of the Eons huddled together quietly, watching a flashing light. You could count nearly all the Eeveelutions in the circle; an Espeon was chatting softly with a Leafeon nearby, while an Eevee was hiding behind a Glaceon that was most likely her mother, scared of the lights. Actually, even though you could tell it was an Eon tribe at first sight, there was a distinguishing difference from all others. Looking around, you see a Flareon, Eevee, Vaporeon, Jolteon, Espeon, Leafeon, and Glaceon. No Umbreons, wonder where they've gone. But there's no time to think about that, because the light's flashing much more frequently now. Whispers have been breaking out, terrible rumors of what this is. It was glowing nonstop, and the Eons all backed up to watch it, and now it was finally clear what the source of the light is. Whispers grew, and also became louder.

.....Born so early, can it survive?......

....But should we trust it..... it's daughter of Mal....

...No matter how evil Mal may be..... Not fair to treat it as an enemy....

But, then, all signs of whispers died as the egg flashed, but the flash didn't die down. With a sound like a soft breeze, a small, immature Eevee toppled out. But instead of cooing it and saying how cute it was, they recoiled in fear. That is, everybody but Eau the Vaporeon recoiled in fear.

"Ignore them, little Eevee, ignore them. They're just-"

"Just WHAT, Eau?" bursted the Espeon Pensée. "Just what?"

"Prejudiced! You are all prejudiced against anything related to Mal!" bursted Eau.

"It's not just Mal, it's Lutte, Ombre, and Mal I'm worried about! All the great Umbreons make me worry! For the tribes sake, for YOUR sake!" exploded Pensée. "We're getting rid of the Eevee, Eau, and that's that!"

"Just because of it's Umbreon heritage, you seem to think it will be an Umbreon, but it is an Eevee, and an Eevee could evolve into any of our forms, any! We were ALL Eevees once, and this one is just as normal as any of you!" Eau said, yet with panic with her voice. "I'm going to keep this Eevee safe with me, and I'll treat it as my own child! There is nothing you can do about it, Pensée!"

All of the other Eons were talking and looking disapprovingly at Pensée who, seeing defeat, said in a softer tone;

"Well, I suppose, Eau. You can keep it for now. But you are responsible for it and whatever it becomes!"

Eau nodded and the Eevee, noticing what was going on, jumped onto Eau with delight.

"Because you were born early and immature," Eau whispered, "your name will be Rapide."

And the Eons cheered.



Name definition:
Eau Water
Mal Evil
Ombre Shadow
Rapide Quick
Pensée Thought
Lutte Fight, Battle

 

[Gardenia101]

Chapter One: Lake Verity

Rapide sat at the edge of the lake, looking wary. Sensing a figure approaching, she turned around, only to notice it's her mother's old friend, Sable, approaching. She turned around tears in her eyes, as she did her best to ignore her.

"Rapide" she whispered softly. "I know you're upset, douxie, but you cannot hide forever."

"Sable, she was like a mother to me!" she cried. "I knew her as my mother! And then my own..."

But Sable hushed her, and looked towards the north-east.

"Rapide, I know the death of Eau has devestated you. But we cannot do anything to help now. all we can do is fight who caused it, fight for freedom to live!"

"Sable, I-I know. I'm j-just being s-silly. B-but I c-can't take on the U-umbreons as an Eevee, c-can I?" whispered Rapide.

"You will not. I think you've grown up enough to evolve." said Sable in a comforting tone.

"B-but into wh-what?"

"A Leafeon, like me. Rapide, we're going to the Moss-"

But then the two Eons fell silent as a white shadow arose from the middle of Lake Verity in front of them. A low note, the call of the spirit, rang through their ears, and though Rapide's crying subsided, she filled with emotion. A mix of happiness, sorrow, and love boiled over her, and she, at that moment, was happy for the first time since the Umbreons raided the tribe and killed who she knew as her mother.

"I'll do it, Sable. I'll do it for you, for Eau, for- that!" she said as she pointed to the white shadow decending into the water. "But- what exactly is it?"

"It's the spirit of Lake Verity- the spirit of Emotion. The pokemon that took part in the creation of spirit..."

And though Rapide kept nagging her to tell her more, she stayed silent for the whole journey back to the villiage.

 

[Gardenia101]

Chapter Two: Tunoe Attack!

It had been hard for Sable and Rapide to escape the clutches of Sable's mother, Skála, but they managed it anyway. Now they were walking through an unknown route that some said led to "Two Leaves", but neither Sable nor Rapide knew what that meant. There were also legends of Tunoe in these woods....

"Sable, do you know what Tunoe are?" asked Rapide. "I know it's just a legend, but I feel nervous anyway."

"No idea." said Sable, kicking a rock. Both Eons stood silent, watching it fall into a nearby ravine. Then Sable set ahead, but Rapide stood behind, staring at a small boulder with a smooth top.

"Then what is this?" she whispered. Sable turned around swiftly.

"What is what, Rapide?" she said, trying to sound confident but failing.

"This." Rapide replied. They both stared at the oddly formed carvings in the rock;
مكان التنين. انتقل إلى مدينة أوراق اثنين بدلاً من هنا أو الحياة الخاصة بك عقاب على أيدينا. وهناك لا مفر من التنين.

"But, what is it?" whispered Sable. "It must mean something-"

"And it does." said a booming voice behind them. Both girls jumped, and they recoiled many steps as they saw an angry Dragonite behind them.

"It says, 'The place of the Tunoe. Go to two leaf town instead of here or your life is forfeit to our hands. There is no escaping the Tunoe.'" said the Dragonite. "You are in our territory- I cannot allow you to escape!"

The Dragonite flew off, undoubtedly going off to get it's Tunoe pals.

"Rapide, I-I think Tunoe means 'Dragon'..." puffed Sable as they ran from the scene.

But when the entrance was in sight, 2 Salamence landed in front of them. They turned to go right, then left, then back, but they saw they were surrounded by Salamence, Dragonites, Charizards, Gyrados, and other various Tunoe.

"What do you want with us?" cried Sable, tears in her eyes now. "Why are you so interested in a Leafeon and an Eevee?"

But they ignored her and looked up at the sky, and when Rapide looked up as well, she could see why; the same white shadow from before was moving above them, dreamlike, and suddenly there was a bright light- and........

Rapide and Sable yelled as they fell onto the ground.

"Hey, wait, Sable, we're out of the forest!" yelled Rapide, with a look of relief on her face.

"Wow, we are! I wonder what that was doing here, though...." Sable retorted. "That was the same spirit we saw at Lake Verity, though, Rapide! I wonder why it's here! They say that's the spirit of emotion! Why, I'll bet-"

Rapide, not wanting to be rude, sat there pretending to listen to what she was saying. She was indeed curious about it, but now she was remembering something disturbing, something about when she was in her egg......


To be continued in chapter Three!

 

[POKEMON_MASTER_0]

First, some minor corrections:

No Umbreons, wonder where they've gone.

This is a fragment. Something like "No Umbreons were present, leading one to wonder where they went." would be a sentence.

But instead of cooing it and saying how cute it is, they recoiled in fear.

I don't know if this is technically incorrect, but the change from the present to past tense with the comma is a bit jarring. You may want to change "is" to "was."

"Prejusticed! You are all prejusticed against anything related to Mal!" bursted Eau.

Should be "prejudiced."

"Just because of it's Umbreon heritage, you seem to think it will be an Umbreon

Should be "its."

Also, I found the end of the second chapter confusing. One moment, they're surrounded by dragons, then there's a bright light, and then suddenly they're out of the forest with the dragons apparently gone. I took this to mean that the bright light made the two black out, the dragons fled, and then the two woke up. However, there doesn't seem to be a clear transition, and that threw me.

On another note, I noticed in the prologue that the majority of the "made up words" are based on Spanish words. "pensé" is literally "I thought," "rapido" is "quick," "sombra" is "shadow," and "mal" is "evil."

In the second chapter, I thought that the writing on the rock looked like Arabic. Sure enough, I was able to use Google Translate to get it back into English.

I don't think there is anything wrong with the Spanish-based names. Someone who knows Spanish would pick up on them quickly, but I don't see any harm in this. Based on your profile, it seems that you like to play around with langauges, which is fine.

The Arabic on the other hand is a bit more problematic. Since the text is on a rock in the story itself, it implies that the dragons know Arabic. It strikes me as odd that English-speaking dragons would write a crucial message in Arabic when the majority of Pokemon seem speak English in your story.

All that aside, though, I enjoyed the story. It almost has a fairy tale feel to it. The outcast is the hero, who has to goes on a journey so she can strike down the bad guys.

 

[Gardenia101]

I know it's Arabic. And the names are French, not Spanish. But thanks for pointing those out, I'll fix them.
But the Fragment, I knew about that. I felt that, even though it's not incredibly *ahem* amazing grammer, it suited the feel of the story better.

Oh, and the Arabic, remember that all Pokemon understand each other, and I'm not going to have them say, "Eevee! Eve Eevee!" , I'm just having them all speak in English. But, their languages are technically different, so their writing will be different. Actually, you'll see why the Arabic part is important in a while.

 

[8U]

It's very interesting, and you did well with the grammar. Of course, I was mostly scanning through it, but I can still find grammar, punctuation and spelling mistakes easily. You tend to make the chapters a bit short and some of the writing/plot is confusing, but it is still a pretty good story. I like the fantasy feel to the writing, and how there are clans, not one are two pokemon living together. It's very realistic. However, I disliked the ending of chapter 2, like POKEMON_MASTER_0 said:

I found the end of the second chapter confusing. One moment, they're surrounded by dragons, then there's a bright light, and then suddenly they're out of the forest with the dragons apparently gone. I took this to mean that the bright light made the two black out, the dragons fled, and then the two woke up. However, there doesn't seem to be a clear transition, and that threw me.

It makes no sense, and the way the scene rushed by didn't help. Also, the Mesprit coming out of absolutely no where was a little weird.

Other than that, it was extremely well done, and you handled the idea well also.

 

[Gardenia101]

Sable extended her paw and shook Rapide until she awoke.

"Rapide! Rapide! Get up! It's morning!" she yelled, jumping.

"Oh, what's the rush?" yawned Rapide. "Just five more minutes-"

"Oh, come on! If you ever want to get to Moss Rock and beat the Umbreons, I would get up!" Sable retorted with a huff.

Rapide moaned as she stretched and stood up in spite of the aches in her back from sleeping on the cold ground.

"There we go, let's go on, then!" said Sable, soon breaking into a run with Rapide close behind her. They crossed a babbling brook full of Magicarp, a small, abandoned hut now occupied with many Ratatta, and an open meadow with giant puddles that Rapide soon noticed were actually Grimer.

After many hours of travel, Rapide and Sable collapsed onto the dusty ground. Sable closed her eyes, ready for rest, but Rapide had become wary.

"Sable, I-I think there's someone else here t-to." she whispered into the Darkness.

"Rapide, it's fine, just go to-"

"Sable, look!" Rapide said, panicing, although not without reason: for 3 shadowy figures seemed to be closing in.....

Lutte, Ombre, and Mal materialized before them.

"Oh, look, to little eons have lost their way!" cackled the nearest Umbreon.

"Well, let's see if they have any food on them, shall we?" said yet another, his voice much deeper than the usual Umbreons, making a frightening effect as they bagan circling the two Eons.

"Wh-what do you want from us, Um-Umbreons?" said Sable, trying and failing to sound confident.

"Well, your food, and other goods, and possibly your life if you struggle!" growled the first Umbreon, causing chills to go up and down Sable and Rapide's spines.

"B-but we don't have any-anything!" cried Sable, a look of pure terror on her face, not even bothering to sound like she was planning ahead anymore.

While Mal, Lutte, and Ombre continued talking, Rapide whispered, "Sable! Try a Sand attack! It's what your name means anyway, isn't it?"

"Well, I-I don't kn-know abou-" Sable began, but after noticing they were drawing nearer, too near, she forgot about the sentence and lept right into a mad Sand Attack. The Umbreon, temporarily blinded by the gravel being hurtled towards them, didn't notice Sable's cry of "Run!" nor Rapide obeying the command and Sable soon following. The girls could just hear the Umbreon's cry of rage as they reached a Pathway.

"Oh, Rapide, we did it!" cried Sable as they stepped out into the road. "We're here at Route 201!"

Continued in chapter four

It's very interesting, and you did well with the grammar. Of course, I was mostly scanning through it, but I can still find grammar, punctuation and spelling mistakes easily. You tend to make the chapters a bit short and some of the writing/plot is confusing, but it is still a pretty good story. I like the fantasy feel to the writing, and how there are clans, not one are two pokemon living together. It's very realistic. However, I disliked the ending of chapter 2, like POKEMON_MASTER_0 said:

It makes no sense, and the way the scene rushed by didn't help. Also, the Mesprit coming out of absolutely no where was a little weird.

Other than that, it was extremely well done, and you handled the idea well also.

I'm trying to make the first parts confusing. I already have the whole story plot written out, and all of the first chapters are pretty short in summary. Confusion sends off the kind of aura I need for the story.

They explain that later, not to worry.

 

[POKEMON_MASTER_0]

Ah, so it is French. I guess Spanish and French are close-enough related that some words are simmilar. Sorry about that.

And the Arabic thing. I'll take your word for it, being I'm not yet aware how it'll be used in later chapters.

 

[Gardenia101]

Chapter Four, Part One: The Near Capture

I've been having alot of trouble with this story because of the automatic format the Pokecommunity does. If you want to read it now, look in the Spoiler, but every quote is surrounded in "

Spoiler:

Sable and Rapide were trotting down the road when they heard a loud noise.
"Rapide! Duck into sidebrush! Come on, hurry!" hissed Sable, jumping into it. Rapide soon followed.
"Come ON Ash, if we're ever going to get to Sunyshore City, we need to move along!" yelled a young girl, who was apparently dragging a young boy behind her.
"Come on, Dawn, we're not in THAT kind of hurry-" started the boy, but the girl, probably named Dawn, cut him off. "Yes, actually, we are! Because Brock has been separated from us, and it was all your fault!" she cried. "Now, move along!"
"Dawn, just because I-"
"-tripped him off a CLIFF?" she yelled. "He's now lost hopelessly in the woods around here!" screamed the girl, finishing the boy's sentence for him.
"Dawn!" he cried, trying to stand up and failing due to the fact that Dawn was holding him tight. "Dawn! In the bush, there's something in the bush!"
"Huh?" Dawn dropped him and he let out another cry of pain while Dawn started to the bush he was pointing at. It took a bit to register what was going on for Rapide- Dawn was coming at Sable and Rapide! Rapide tried to scamper off, but got stuck in the bush.
"Great, just great, Rapide, come on, we need to leave before she sees-" Sable stopped. She had turned around and saw that Dawn was moving the bushes and was about to unearth Rapide-
"Rapide! Watch out!" But there was nothing she could do- Dawn had already noticed Rapide and picked her up.
"Aren't you a cute little thing! Hey, Ash, take a look at what was in the bush!" she carried Rapide over to Ash, who already had drawn a Pokeball out of his pocket.
"Let's catch it then, Dawn!" He said excitedly. "Have Piplup use Bubble Beam!"
"Okay! Piplup, use Bubble Beam!" cried Dawn, while Piplup got to his feet and followed orders exactly: there was now a stream of bubbles aimed at Rapide!
Rapide braced herself for the blow, but it never came; Sable was out, attacking Piplup and it's Bubble Beam.
"Awwww! It must be a Mama and her baby!" Dawn squealed in delight, while Sable and Rapide tried not to roll their eyes. "Ooooh, let's catch both!" The two girls kept fighting, but they were never trained as Piplup has. Eventually, they recognized defeat and fainted, exhausted. Sable and Rapide braced themselves for capture, giving up their mission once and for all.
"Pokeball, Go!" cried the girl, and she threw two Pokeballs, one towards Sable and one towards Rapide. But the Pokeballs never landed. They hit an invisible barrier, and flew back to Dawn.
"Huh? Pokeball, go, er, again!" cried Dawn. This time the barrier showed itself, the same white shadow as before, guarding them from harm yet again...
"'Mesprit?" asked Dawn, eyes wide. "What- what are you doing?" Mesprit was staring at Dawn, apparently communicating with her, because Dawn was steadily nodding. Then Mesprit teleported away.
"Dawn, what was that about? Why did Mesprit come to you again? What did it say?" asked the boy Ash. But Dawn ignored him. She sprayed the two Eons with a Super Potion and let them scamper away.
She stayed silent despite the many questions Ash fired at her.