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Redford One: Perfection, Friend of Foe?

klaus

I know, i'm sexy.
15
Posts
19
Years
  • Prolouge


    A hauntingly silent building stood in the distance and its mournful stare looked out over the small village below. It stared down, waiting, waiting for something, someone, a victim maybe? A light breeze wafted through the air, causing trees to sway back and forth, as if they were dancing.
    Redford, the perfect place. All were happy there, all the time, everyday.

    Each cabin looked the same. They were small, and couldn?t have had more four or five rooms. The outside of the cabin was brown with the rustic log look. The front door was located in the exact middle of the building and one window on each side of the door.

    The lawn that surrounded each building was the same as well. It was well-kept and perfectly groomed.

    The cobbled stone street was remarkable, each stone shone brilliantly, as if one had went out there and scrubbed each one of those bloody stones by hand, with a toothbrush.

    Again, that building still stared out over the village. What was it waiting for, or, better yet, who was it waiting for? Yet, we look over at the still silent building and see a group of people leading another person up the driveway of the building.

    The people leading the person, who was a woman, were nurses. Each one wore a skirt the showed more than a Pokemon health professional should. Their pink hair, resembling rings, was coming down from the back of their heads. They led the woman, who wasn?t struggling one bit, silly woman, up the hill that led into the strange building. The Nurse?s, who were called Nurse Joy?s, could be heard saying;

    ?Don?t worry, Lily, as soon as we get you up to our registration building, we can make you an official citizen of Redford? Joy?s voice was murderously quite and even though it was the middle of the day, her voice was as quite as if she was speaking to a small child, asleep in it?s room.

    As the Pokemon medical professionals led the woman into the building, it become, again, sad and upset. Why was it so sad looking? They were just taking the woman to register her. What harm could that hold?

    The light?s in the building went slowly dim, soon they went out all together.

    The smell of rubber filled the air.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    They next day was cloudy, vile and just an all around bad day. A mist kind of hung over the village. That same mist seemed to come every time a villager entered the Joy?s Hall. The door to one of the cabins opened. Out stepped a woman in her late teens. She had strawberry blond hair that, even though the day was nasty, shone and somewhat brightened up the day. Her purple dress fit snug around her wait. Her shoe?s were black and shiny. She also wore a pair of fishnet stockings, you know, the ripped kind. A small yellow rodent stepped out beside her, he was cute and only a foot tall,with red pouch?s on his cheeks.

    ?Pika? cried the small Pokemon. Yesterday, it?s trainer had been different. She had been fun. Today, all she was concerned about was giving it enough food and cleaning the cabin. He missed Lily.

    She stepped out side into the mist. The only thing that compared to the day was her hard cold eyes. They were black and had no love in them what so ever. Walking over to get the paper, she bent down and picked up the rolled up paper. She bent down stiff and mechanically. She straitened up and walked back in, shutting the door behind her.

    What had happend in the Hall?




    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    I hope it's better than the first go.

    As always, be kind to the mime.
     
    Last edited:

    Negrek

    Am I more than you bargained for yet?
    339
    Posts
    18
    Years
  • Here's your review... sorry I never responded to the PM, but I didn't know whether or not I'd have time to do it, but I found a bit, so here we are.

    Perfection, it?s a crucial thing, is it not?
    No. Since it's impossible to be perfect, then it can't be crucial or we would all cease to exist. Assuming that we ever existed in the first place.

    A light breeze wafted through the air, causing a few tree?s to sway.
    A few tree's whats, pray?

    The sad building still viewing the small land below.
    I seriously have no clue what this means. Really.

    Small, couldn?t have had more four or five rooms.
    That's a fragment. Consider tacking it onto the sentence prior with a colon.




    ...neat and clean,.
    Random comma.

    A hauntingly silent building stood in the distance, its mournful stare looked out over the small village below.
    You know the difference between it's and its, right? Also, this sentence is a comma splice. You need a conjunction of some kind between the comma and its, or you need to change the comma to a period.

    The outside was brown the rustic log cabin look.
    This sentence is very shakily constructed. A comma after brown, if nothing else, but you could seriously look to reword this.

    It was well-kept and perfectly groomed. This was a perfect place, wasn?t it?

    How do we know they didn?t?


    Yet, we look over at the still silent building and see a group of people leading another person up the building.
    Up the building? Yeesh, they could try knocking before scaling the east wall...

    The people leading the person, who was a woman, were, as I see ,nurse?s.
    Oh, please. Proofread.

    Each one wore a skirt the showed more than a Pokemon health professional should.
    The difference between than and then: then applies only to time (It happened then.) Than is used in comparing things (It was better then than it is now.)

    They had large pink rings that was their hair, coming off the side?s of their heads.
    Okay, seriously. Rings that was? Side's of their hair? You really, really need to pay attention in English class. Not to be mean, or anything, but these are concepts that you should have mastered by the time you left elementary school. It's okay if you're new to fanfiction and all, but these are really bad mistakes that just make you look dumb.

    Basically, that's what I'm going to recommend for the remainder of this. Find someone who knows basic punctuation and grammar rules, and get them to edit it for you. Alternatively, learn them yourself. There's at least one mistake in every single sentence of the prologue, even though it's short. That's not really the way that you want your 'fic to be. It's one thing to make a mistake now and then, and it's another to not know your stuff. Please take a careful look at your work before posting it publicly; you're not giving people a very good first impression of yourself with work that comes off as sloppy and juvenile.

    The prologue comes off as being a bit too much like an essay. You pretty much have your introduction, body, and conclusion, and this form seems very out of place for a narrative. It just doesn't seem that exciting or intriguing. The sentence structure is a bit simplistic, and it's rather repetitive. After hammering the point home over and over, it gets a bit tedious.

    Sorry, but I'm not really impressed with this at all.
     

    klaus

    I know, i'm sexy.
    15
    Posts
    19
    Years
  • K, yeah,they didn't teach us anything in English back then, I was lucky to have
    learned nouns.

    Thanks for reading it, sorry you weren't impressed. I'm going to work on this and it shall be great, thanks again.

    As always, be kind to the mime.
     
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