[Pokémon] Relaxation

[IanDonyer]

RELAXATION​

A Pokemon Oneshot​

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Prodigy Gold gets some last moments of relaxation in before his most challenging endeavor yet - interesting definition of relaxation.​

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The wind blew gently through the quiet town of New Bark; perhaps the only sound, really, that was common in the area. But another sound permeated the usual silence. The town was now abuzz to meet its most famous face, recognized by all of the Johto region and quickly becoming a known face in Kanto.

He was the quiet town boy parallel to the legendary Red; the boy who swept through the Johto Gym Challenge faster than any ever recorded.

He was called Gold.

"Looks like Togetic and Marill are having a blast," Lyra said with a wide grin spread on her lips. "Don't you think so?"

The two childhood friends sat in lawn chairs, spread out and relaxing in the light blast of the sun of the day. Both of them were dressed in shorts, short-sleeve t-shirts and each in their signature hats: Gold in his yellow and black backwards cap, Lyra in her odd white hat with the Pokeball symbol.

They sat and watched their Pokemon playing around in the streets (not really a danger, considering no cars had ever passed through the place: and quite frankly, these little guys could hurt any cars that did somehow pass through more than the cars could hurt them), each of them finding it quite the interesting show. Gold hadn't had the opportunity to sit down and relax like this since he left this town for the first time. He had, as he had said multiple times since coming back, "really friggin' missed this".

Gold's Togetic and Lyra's Marill were playing what appeared to be some form of tag. Togetic was running around in the air chasing after the rolling ball of blue. Marill was making sounds that sounded an awful lot like a human's giggle, while Togetic seemed to be taking this seriously, as if it were a challenge to him.

Marill, after taking a quick glance back to see how close Togetic was, then ran face first into the mass of brown fur that dazed lazily on the ground called Mamoswine.

Gold grinned himself as Togetic took this opportunity to grab Marill under the arms and lift her up with him. The two soared around in the air in circles, Marill flailing her arms as if in a panic even though the expression on her face made it obvious that she was having the time of her life.

"Yeah," Gold said. "Just glad they didn't wake up Mamoswine... would have made a roar that'd wake up people in Cianwood."

Lyra giggled, and Gold shut his eyes for a moment to allow himself a bit more relaxation. However, he heard a sound seconds later that caused him to jolt straight up and almost fall out of the lawn chair. Gold looked to the east at the sound of a loud, splintering crash... and sighed.

Lyra burst into laughter.

The lighter brown-furred rat stood in front of a totally downed tree, a satisfied look in its eyes. He clicked his teeth together and then picked up one of the fallen tree's branches and ran over to the side of Gold's lawn chair, circling around for a moment before sitting down. Raticate's obsession with chewing could really be problematic sometimes.

Gold had to get up and move his chair, otherwise he would have been sitting underneath a tree limb. As he did, he moved closer to the lake east of New Bark and very close to his home, and in the process got a glance of the red Pokemon in the water, simply sitting there, one pincer raised while the other was on the ground. His Kingler. He smiled.

Lyra's laughter calmed down, and Gold watched as the last two members of his team lay nearby Mamoswine, resting comfortably with each other: A large blue rope of skin called Dragonair lay there, his starting Pokemon Typhlosion lying inside the coil. The two were attached to each other, even though Dragonair was the most recent addition to the team, received from Clair's grandfather.

Gold let loose a sigh and closed his eyes. His last moments of relaxation were gone, that he knew: he was too excited to relax.

For soon, he, Typhlosion, Raticate, Togetic, Kingler, Mamoswine and Dragonair would be taking on the Pokemon Elite.

 

[Daydream]

This was a... How can I put it? Cute little read. I really enjoyed it.~

Lyra giggled, and Gold shut his eyes for a moment to allow himself a bit more relaxation; however, he heard a sound seconds later that caused him to jolt straight up and almost fall out of the lawn chair.

This may just be me, but I think where you have the semi-colon it would work better as a full stop. It sounds better as two separate sentences.

A loud splintering crash, and Gold glanced toward the east: and let loose a loud sigh.

Here too, could possibly use some restructuring. "A loud splintering crash, and Gold glanced toward the east, then let loose a loud sigh." May be better?

even though Dragonair was the most recent addition to the team, received by Clair's grandfather.

It should be received from. Otherwise it sounds like Clair's grandfather is receiving the Dragonair.

Overall, a good read and there aren't any major grammatical errors to pick up on and even most of the stuff I picked up on could just be based on personal opinion. :D

Also, the title leads me to believe this fic is a one-shot but the ending leads me to believe you could be showing us some Gold vs Elite action. Either way, I enjoyed it!

 

[IanDonyer]

This was a... How can I put it? Cute little read. I really enjoyed it.~

Thanks!


This may just be me, but I think where you have the semi-colon it would work better as a full stop. It sounds better as two separate sentences.

It does, now that I think about it. Thanks.


Here too, could possibly use some restructuring. "A loud splintering crash, and Gold glanced toward the east, then let loose a loud sigh." May be better?

Though it over, and rearranged it so it sounds better than that. IMO anyway.


It should be received from. Otherwise it sounds like Clair's grandfather is receiving the Dragonair.

You're right. My bad.

Overall, a good read and there aren't any major grammatical errors to pick up on and even most of the stuff I picked up on could just be based on personal opinion. :D

Also, the title leads me to believe this fic is a one-shot but the ending leads me to believe you could be showing us some Gold vs Elite action. Either way, I enjoyed it!

Okay, I've heard that twice now. I'll ask: Does anyone -want- me to expand this a bit? It wouldn't be more than two or three extra chapters, and would pretty much a video game adaptation (I'd throw in a twist or turn for the purpose of a good read of course), but...

Anyways, thanks for the review! I'm glad you liked it.

 

[Dragonite Ernston]

Yes, this was quite the "cute little read".

Uh, just one thing I thought you might want to change:

For soon, he, Typhlosion, Raticate, Togetic, Kingler, Mamoswine and Dragonair would be taking on the Pokemon Elite.

That list just seems funny to me. It stuck out just the littlest bit. Why did you need to include that, instead of just using "he and his team"?

But that's about it.

 

[Miz en Scène]

VBulletin formatting is the worst isnt't it? Most of your lines have too large a gap in between, and it happens a alot when I paste from word and try to double space my lines before they get squahed together by the system.

Uh, just one thing I thought you might want to change

For soon, he, Typhlosion, Raticate, Togetic, Kingler, Mamoswine and Dragonair would be taking on the Pokemon Elite.

That list just seems funny to me. It stuck out just the littlest bit. Why did you need to include that, instead of just using "he and his team"?

Because using lists is an effective way of emphasis in that it draws the readers attention towards the individual points of the list elements.

Anyway, review.

I'd love to call this story an anecdote, but I'm not sure if the word anecdote allows for fiction. Regardless, if this were a real life event, which it obviously isn't, I'd refer to it as an anecdote simply because of how realistically you've portrayed the characters and their various interactions in the piece. That said, very good work on the description, I mean 'very'. In my mind's eye, the descriptions helped play out a most relaxing scene, something that I'd really usually expect from a Pokemon filler episode. Again, kudos to you on that.

Aside from that, amazing characterization on the part of Gold and Lyra. I don't actually read the Manga, so I wouldn't know how they actually behave canonically, but I'd expect them to behave like this if it were canon. It's just perfect. I find it great how their actions are so fluid and the transition between scenes so flawless.

On to mistakes, I had to be really pedantic when going through the fic because a once-over didn't really get me anywhee with fault-finding. Overall, nothing too jarring stood out. I found one, though.

A large blue rope of skin called Dragonair lay there, his starting Pokemon Typhlosion laying inside her.

I would suggest lying inside the coil. Lying because 'laying' is awkward and refers to the act of putting something to rest horizontally, while lying is the actual present participle of lie. As for inside her vs. inside the coil, I sugested that because lying inside her would literally imply the Typhlosion lying inside the Dragonair's stomach. Lying inside the coil would be more appropriate in this case.

 

[IanDonyer]

Yes, this was quite the "cute little read".

Uh, just one thing I thought you might want to change:



That list just seems funny to me. It stuck out just the littlest bit. Why did you need to include that, instead of just using "he and his team"?

Because, in a shorter way of the way Mizan said it, for emphasis.
But that's about it.

I'm glad you liked it. Comment in bold.

VBulletin formatting is the worst isnt't it? Most of your lines have too large a gap in between, and it happens a alot when I paste from word and try to double space my lines before they get squahed together by the system.

- I KNOW -, RIGHT?

Because using lists is an effective way of emphasis in that it draws the readers attention towards the individual points of the list elements.

Anyway, review.

I'd love to call this story an anecdote, but I'm not sure if the word anecdote allows for fiction. Regardless, if this were a real life event, which it obviously isn't, I'd refer to it as an anecdote simply because of how realistically you've portrayed the characters and their various interactions in the piece. That said, very good work on the description, I mean 'very'. In my mind's eye, the descriptions helped play out a most relaxing scene, something that I'd really usually expect from a Pokemon filler episode. Again, kudos to you on that.

Flattered. Thank you.

Aside from that, amazing characterization on the part of Gold and Lyra. I don't actually read the Manga, so I wouldn't know how they actually behave canonically, but I'd expect them to behave like this if it were canon. It's just perfect. I find it great how their actions are so fluid and the transition between scenes so flawless.

Manga? There is no manga featuring a Lyra, to my knowledge. =p This is gameverse. Done simply for the fact that I wanted to write, inspired by a short amount of time I'd saved and turned off the game in New Bark before going to the E4 on Soul Silver.

On to mistakes, I had to be really pedantic when going through the fic because a once-over didn't really get me anywhee with fault-finding. Overall, nothing too jarring stood out. I found one, though.

I would suggest lying inside the coil. Lying because 'laying' is awkward and refers to the act of putting something to rest horizontally, while lying is the actual present participle of lie. As for inside her vs. inside the coil, I sugested that because lying inside her would literally imply the Typhlosion lying inside the Dragonair's stomach. Lying inside the coil would be more appropriate in this case.

But I did intend to imply he was lying inside the Dragonair's stomach. Typloshion is obviously a dragon serial murderer - or Luke Skywalker using a Tonton (or whatever you call 'em).

Hehe. =p Really though, thanks for that. Sounds a lot better now that I think about it.

Thanks for the review! I'm glad you liked it. Comments in italics (as to not confuse from the bold you've already put in =p).