Remake of The Great Fossil Rush

[matrixguy25]

Hey ya ^_^

The Great Fossil Rush​

by thematrixguy25

Titles​

Chapter 1: Character Development​

Plot​

Prologue:

There was a small place called Pallet Town that was on a nice beach surrounded by a lot of trees and a large ocean that was red and orange. There was a short light brown haired girl that always stood out on the sand every morning just gazing and crying when the sun was starting to set. Her deep, brown eyes were glazed with tears running down her cheeks. Her clothes looked haggard and dirty. The middle aged girl continued crying none-stop as the sunset reminded her of the days when she was young?the girl's long hair shined in the bright sun light. There was also a tall guy with blond sandy hair that was always slicked back. He likes wearing baggy black jeans with a black short sleave shirt with a red skull on the center of it. The girl is shy and she get's sad alot. She has long blond hair with blue shiney eyes.

?This is it?if I do this quickly?I won't feel anything anymore?? She thought desperately as she tore her eyes from blood red sunset.
She closed her eyes tightly, letting out the final wave of tears from her eyes?

?There's no turning back now??

She could smell the salt ocean water she could imagine the blood red crags below, awaiting her?

She moved slowly towards the salt ocean water and started to cry again. She finally felt a pair of arms wrapped around her hips. She tilts and turns her head side ways and sees her friend Steve with his arms wrapped around her hips. She stares at Steve, "Then she says what's up?"

"Steve says hello not much here neither. "Steve said Jessica how come you look sad and how come you was crying for. "Steve said To Jessica I don't like when you are sad, Steve then said try to think about good things.

"Jessica said I started to feel sad because of what had happened to my little brother who was 5 and that had drowned a year ago. Then all of a sudden I started to remember what had happened a year ago then I started crying again when I started looking at the salty shinny red and orange ocean.
"Steve says it's OK Jessica then hugs her tightly and kisses her.

"Jessica said your right Steve, I will try to think about good things so I don't start to feel sad and start to cry again. Jessica looks up at Steve and said thanks for always being there for me.

"Steve said Jessica I will always be there for you. "Steve then asked Jessica how is she feeling now."

"Jessica said IM feeling a lot better now because I am with you, I am also feeling very grateful because I always have you by my side.

"Steve said to Jessica I am in a very grateful person to because I have you as my best friend to. Steve reaches in his backpack and pulls out his small mirror and then reaches back in his backpack to get his comb and starts to brush and slick his blond sandy hair back. Steve then starts to have thoughts in his mind about how much he really likes Jessica and weather or not he should ask Jessica to be his Girl friend.

"Steve then said hey Jessica can I ask you a question?

"Jessica said sure Steve you can ask me a question.

*******************************************

Steve gets brave finally​

"Steve then finally started to get brave and just came out and said Jessica I have really liked you a lot ever since we was little kids, and I was wording if you would like to be my girl friend."

"Jessica said Steve I have really liked you a lot to, but I was always a shy girl and never really asked you or anybody else because I was scared and thought they would just say no. "Jessica says sure Steve I would like to go out with you.

"Steve said yay!!!!. "Steve then said I am so lucky that I finally stepped up and asked you to be my girl friend.

They spent the whole day together and had a lot of fun. "Jessica said well Steve thanks for being with me. She then said well Steve it's getting late out and we should both get going and go home to go to sleep.

"Steve said you are welcome Jessica, then said yeah your right it's getting really dark out and we should get going and go home and go to sleep.

They both agreed and then kisses and hugged each other and said good night.

They both went home then went to sleep.
*******************************************

 

[Mr Cat Dog]

OK - first off, this fic moves way too fast. In the same chapter, they cover a weeks ground. In this time you could have used this to do chapters about character development, as these people seem to have no personality of what to speak of. Also, why did they just decide to go on a long trip? It seems very impromptu, and a bit unbelievable that these people just suddenly go on a trip like that, without even planning or anything.

There are also quite a number of typos, which can easily be fixed using Microsoft Word or any other word processing programme. There was also a lot of past/present tense mix-up. This isn't script, so that does raise quite a concern fro a reader's point of view. We don't know if it's something that happened a long time ago, or something they are doing as we speak.

What I did like was description in the prologue. It ws a pity that it didn't continue into the main chapter, as that would really have improved it in length and depth. You could have described the characters' feelings in a lot more detail than you did.

Well, this does need a fair bit of work to make it better. Just keep up the good work, and you should be fine. ^_^

"A Vote for Justice is a Vote for MCD"

 

[Pogiforce-14]

It looks more like an outline for a fan fic rather than the actual thing. Especially since you ahve title and plot in glowing red on the top. :\

 

[matrixguy25]

Chapter 2


-The 18 year-old blond haired guy walked back to his house and takes off his blue and gray boots. He dusted off his black short sleeve shirt. And started to straighten up his sandy blonde hair.

Steve finally reached the screen door and pulled it back to open it. The willow door was next. He then shut both doors behind him. He then went and watched TV to see what was on the news. As he was flipping through the TV channel's he saw 1 channel he really likes. It showed a cave called Grandpa Canyon that is well known for rare and powerful pokemon. Steve then thinks to himself and says I should go to the Grandpa Canyons and have a look round.

Steve then grabbed his backpack and started to put his poke balls in it. He picked up his black New York Yankee's cap and put it on so the cap is back words. He then opened up the willow door then the screen name then shut them on his way out. He puts his blue and gray boots back on.

....................................

Next morning: arrived at Jessica's house​

Steve then walks slowly straight towards Jessica's house. And sees Jessica already sitting out on her porch. "Steve then says well good morning to Jessica

"Jessica says good morning to her boy friend Steve. "Jessica starts to say it's really hot out.

"Steve said yup it hot. "Steve then says Jessica do you remember a while back when we was young kids and we had promised our father's we would follow in their foot steps and become 1 of the world's greatest pokemon master's.

"Jessica said yes I still remember."


"Steve said OK Jessica let's go on a long trip so we could follow our dreams and become 1 of the world's greatest pokemon master's like we had promised our father's."

"Jessica said OK let's leave in a few minutes." "Steve said OK let's get ready to leave. A few minutes had passed by and Steve and Jessica was both ready and all set to leave their town. They both started walking north then all of a sudden another tall guy with dark black spiked hair and dark color looking small eyes. He looked about 19 years-old. The guy seems to look in a bad mood.

"The guy said watch where your going. "Steve and Jessica said sorry to the guy. "Steve introduce himself and Jessica to the guy. "The guy I am in a bad mood right now." And I am gonna be going on a long trip to follow my dreams of becoming 1 of the world's greatest pokemon master's.

Steve and Jessica said well what is your name?

"The guy said my name is Ryan. "Steve and Jessica both say OK. They then asked Ryan if he would like them to be his friends. "Ryan said sure let's be friends."

Steve and Jessica said well we are also going on a long trip to become 1 of the world's greatest pokemon master's. They then asked Ryan to tag along with them. "Ryan said sure I 'll go with you guys.
*******************************************

On a quest to follow their father's foot steps​

So all 3 of the middle aged kids decided to go on a long trip because they wanted to follow their father's footsteps to become 1 of the world's greatest pokemon master's, so they started to walk north from their town. After walking north for so many miles into the desert, "Ryan then began to complain because they had walked so many miles in the intense heat without taking a break. They was tired and thirsty. They looked around to see a resting spot and some water. They all stopped to rest and get some water to drink. They started to walk through the desert but all they could see was reddish sand that covered the ground and tall jagged rocks. "Ryan said why did we come all the way out in the middle of nowhere anyway?" Ryan's friends Steve and Jessica laughed at Ryan. "Jessica said to Ryan for someone who wants to become the world's greatest Pokemon master, you sure do complain a lot."

Ryan thought to himself and said becoming the world's greatest Pokemon master has always been one of my dreams. Ever since I was ten years old. Ryan thought to himself again and said it is very amazing on how many pokemon there are out there in the world. That are very powerful. It's gonna be a real challenge to catch and train pokemon to be healthy and powerful.

"Ryan, you have a long way to go to be a Pokemon Trainer, "Steve said.
"Yeah, you are right Steve. I do have a long way to go," Ryan replied.

All three of the middle aged kids kept walking north until they came to a sign. They stopped and read what the sign said. The sign read Viridian City. Steve, Jessica and Ryan Kept walking north then seen a gate. They pushed the gate open and walked into Viridian City. They all looked around and seen many rich people.

They all kept looking around some more and found a bike shop. They entered the bike shop and they bought themselves a bike. They then took their bikes and started to ride them around the large city. They rode their bikes east and found a sign that said Grandpa Canyons on it. They locked their bikes up to a bike rack outside of the Grandpa Canyons opening.


*******************************************

Just had entered the Grandpa Canyons​

They entered the Canyons but it was pitch black inside. Ryan reached into his backpack and pulled out a flash light then turned it on. They started walking a little further in the cave all of a sudden they then fell down a large hole in the ground. They then notice that there was two thief's in the cave with them. 1 was a guy and the other 1 was a girl. The guy had sky blue hair with blue eyes. The girl had strawberry blond long hair with green eyes. They both was wearing black pants with a black shirt. Their black shirts had a big red R on the front of it. Steve, Jessica and Ryan stopped to see what the two thief's was doing. They saw the two thief's well known as Team Rocket and they had just had uncovered a nesting colony of kabutops.

"Steve says uh oh Jessica and Ryan where all in big trouble! There is a nest of Kabuto that just had roe and we are all in really big trouble when they hatch and start attacking us!! And they are very angry kabutops right now. Team Rocket had turned around and saw a group of 3 middle aged kids watching them. Now that the kabutops are very angry they are now attacking everybody. Ryan started to get very annoyed with the kabutops so he got angry and crushed up his fist. Ryan then gets his red and white sphere out.

Go Pikachu!" exclaimed Trainer Ryan, as he through out a red and white sphere. Pikachu came out and eyed his opponents. The wild kabutops flew together as 1 group. "Pikachu, use your thunder attack!" said Trainer Ryan as his pokemon launched the thunder attack right at the group of the angry Kabutops. The kabutops Tried to use sharp sickle. But Ryan said Watch out Pikachu for the sharp sickle! Pikachu started running side to side dodging Kabutops sharp sickle attack. "Your doing great Pikachu! Keep chasing them down with thunder bolt attacks! "commanded Trainer Ryan as his pikachu launched multiple thunder bolts at the fighting Pokemon. All of the Kabutops got even more angrier and started to all attack Pikachu all at once with sharp sickle.

"No Pikachu we cannot lose to a bunch of Very angry Kabutops! Ryan was getting upset cause his Pikachu was getting hurt and started to get mad and crush his fist up. "Trainer Ryan says Pikachu use your thundershock to paralyze them then use thunder on them. Pikachu used thunder on the Kabutops and weaken them up.
.

 

[Mr Cat Dog]

Well, it's nice that you added character development into the first chapter, but I'm not sure that was the greatest of titles for it... if you know what I'm getting at. ^_^

As for this chapter, unfortunately it has many of the same errors, but especially the past/present mix-up. It seems like every sentence delves into something that happened, then re-emerges into something happening now, which can confuse certain readers (like myself) into not particularly understanding what is really going on. This is basic grammar, and if you don't sort it - it could make the fic look potentially shabby.

Another thing is the way you use speech. Give this quote for example:

"Steve says Ryan you have a long way to go to be a pokemon trainer." "Ryan said yeah you are right Steve I do have a long way to go.

Instead, it should be:

"Ryan, you have a long way to go to be a Pokemon Trainer," Steve said.
"Yeah, you are right Steve. I do have a long way to go," Ryan replied.

There is a distinct difference, as I used speech marks just when the characters were speaking. NOT when they were saying things such as said, or their own names.

Also, it still seems to be moving way to quickly. You said, after many weeks, then proceeded to tell the story. Where on earth are they? What are they doing? Are they any closer to becoming Pokemon Masters? It's vital information, and the reader shall become confused if this isn't answered.

Well, this isn't really a substantial improvement. You did introduce more description, but that seemed to be the only thing that you improved on. Many things seemed to go downhill, so it's best to work on them before you put Chapter 3 up.

"A Vote for Justice is a Vote for MCD"

 

[matrixguy25]

rea:hey

What's up all? Thanks Mr Cat Dog and everybody else who had been helping me. I am going through the errors now and im fixing them up. I changed some of the story around and took words out and added new words. Hey
Mr Cat Dog what you said about the character development chapter was true. Can you please suggest any good topics. I tryed to come up with some new ones but it either doesn't fit in with the story or it sounds stupied. Thanks for all the help guys and girls.

 

[Mr Cat Dog]

Well, if they are trying to become Pokemon Masters, then shouldn't they be fighting in some gyms? We haven't actually seen their Pokemon, so there could be a chapter about introducing them or something. Just take it steady. A slow fic that gradually gets through the story is a lot better than a really short fic bursting with action

"A Vote for Justice is a Vote for MCD"

Edit: Sorry, I forgot you added Pokemon in... my mistake ^_^

 

[Frostweaver]

On top of the things Mr Cat Dog pointed about already...

However, adding in the Pokemon like that is just so... eugh... There must be ways you can talk about them without the ugly way of "profiles."

Part of the chapter is named to something related to their fathers' footsteps. Um... do we really know anything about their fathers?

Character description is still close to none, but at least the chapter has more than the previous one.

Rushing is still the main problem... you have to pace yourself slowly. This is rushing too much.

 

[matrixguy25]

Friends introducing pokemon

After the fight inside of Grandpa Canyons with the angry kabutops, "Steve said hey guys look straight ahead there's the exit out of the cave." They all walked out of the exit and found a tree to sit under so they wouldn't be in the bright sun light. "Ryan said hey guys I got a good idea." Steve and Jessica say what is it. "Ryan said well you two had seen my Pikachu let me see what kind of pokemon you guys have.

"Jessica said I will go first, She then reaches into her backpack and pulls out her red and white sphere out.

Go Squirtle!" exclaimed Trainer Jessica, as she threw out a red and white sphere. Pikachu came out and eyed Steve and Ryan.

Jessica said it's OK Squirtle these are our friends.

Jessica said my Squirtle is baby blue like the ocean and he has green eyes. He gets scared a lot and when he does get scared he burps out bubbles.

"Steve said it's my turn now. He then reaches into he's backpack and pulls out he's red and white sphere out. Go Squirtle!" exclaimed Trainer Steve, as he threw out a red and white sphere. Charmander came out and breathed fire out of his mouth. "Steve said Charmander has dark colored eyes. He has a long tail that has a red and yellow flame on it.

"Ryan said OK good we all have introduced our pokemon."

 

[Frostweaver]

-errr... a LOT more time can be spent for the fanfic. It seems awfully easy to just get out of the cave like that. This means again, lack of details

-same as last time, 0 character development

-grammar... major problem

-some things are just unreal about it... after seeing Kabutops the extinct Pokemon, our characters seem unnaturally calm...

-length... this is like 100 words? Not enough, definitely...

 

[TTYO]

I think a nest of Kabuto roe would make our heroes be in trouble when they hatch and attack!!

 

[matrixguy25]

re:hey

I changed the story around alittle but. But I am gonna stuick though. Cuase that other boy said the story goes to fast. Where do you think i should split the Story?

 

[Frostweaver]

um... what do you mean split the story?

 

[matrixguy25]

rea:hey

Hey frostweaver i mean split the story so the story wouldn't go to fast. I sent it to some friends and they all sy the story goes way to fast and that the story should go about 1-2 weeks insteand of it going as fast as it is.