Revenge (A one-shot)

for him.

I'm trash.
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    • Age 29
    • Seen Aug 6, 2023
    AN: I was looking through the files on my laptop and found a one shot I wrote last year. I decided to post it here with a modification or two. I hope you all enjoy it.

    Revenge
    A shadow had slipped inside an apartment. The windows weren't closed so plenty of the moon's light had entered into the house. It was the only light the apartment provided.

    The shadow had adjusted his clothes. The tie was undone, but left dangling on the sides. The shadow let out a soft, muffled cough. Eyes soon turned to the clock that was above him and waited the red hand to reach twelve.

    It was time.

    The shadow had watched the person who was living here for weeks. Just watching, taking note of all her habits, patterns, and anything in particular about the new life the woman had created for herself. He even checked if she was going to any unsuspected events. Tonight was the perfect night to get his revenge; the best thing about it was that she wouldn't know it would be him.

    The man that had snuck into the woman's apartment walked in its hallways. There were doors to his side, but he paid no mind. He knew which room it was, the one he was looking for. He reached to the door at the end of the hall and slowly opened it just enough to let himself in.

    His victim was sleeping peacefully under the covers. Her long brown hair had made a field on top of her pillow, her soft and beautiful lips would open to murmur something before shutting, and her skin was reflecting the moon's beams.

    The man that had entered the room had put his face in the light. Blonde messy hair had framed the man's face, his green eyes shining in hatred, his unhealthy pallor skin, and the hollows in his cheeks made it obvious that he hadn't eaten in the past few days.

    He moved closer until he was a fair distance from the bed. His hand went to cover her mouth, to silence the screams she would make once he done what he was here to do.

    He grabbed a knife out of his pocket and licked it, "Revenge is sweet, isn't it Kathy?"

    Soon the knife had pierced flesh and muffled screams sounded. No one ever knew what happened until the next morning.
     
    :0 Very short and simple.

    Hmm..one thing I have a problem with is how it's a bit too straightforward. Guy comes in, kills her, that's that. There's also not enough attraction to Kathy and the murderer to make us really care about what's going on. Your wording can be a little excessive, too. In really short stories, I would suggest presenting most of the plot in an active, not passive, tone.

    A shadow slipped inside an apartment. Moonlight entered the open windows--the only light the apartment provided.

    You can cut back on a lot and make the story more interesting overall! I also think you need to add..hm, a twist? Something extra, to really make it stand out. As it stands, I don't think there is much of a plot.

    Anyway, that's my small review. ^^
     
    @Lilly: Thank you for your feedback. :D I highly appreciated. Mostly I wrote this because I was having a hard time getting my ideas out of my brain and on paper. (Plus I used it to get back to the writing swing, but that didn't work out.) Anyways I really did enjoy reading your review. :D
     
    Oh, no problem! You should visit this story again, though. It can be challenging to write a short story your length and really make it stand out, but if you can pull it off, the results will be absolutely fantastic.

    Anyway, good luck if you do. :D
     
    Yeah I'll think about it. :D Thanks again for tearing apart and telling me what you feel is wrong with it.
     
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