Rhyming Stories: The Barboach Who Can't Make Its Mind

[Adam Levine]

There was once a Barboach in a lake,whose mind does nothing to make. A Goldeen asked him,"Do you know where my Basculin be?" Barboach exclaimed,"Um.....I don't know with me!" He wept and then ran away,the Goldeen had nothing left to say.

The Barboach ran away,and he didn't have anything to do,crying,weeping,sobbing,until he saw a Mew. He wondered and wondered,why it was pink,and he had an idea. Until he had to blink.

He found out what it was as soon as it disappeared. He was curious,I thought it was here. He didn't notice he was smart from his father's wish.But this isn't the end of the story. Everything was demolished! A Gyarados came to invade the water,and the water became hotter! Barboach whited out but he knew what to do. The Gyarados was demolished! And everyone screamed out,''Yeehoo!"The Gyarados fainted and Barboach's parents are proud,and then when they saw the Gyarados,they laughed out loud!

What do you think? Do you like it the poem the most? If you just do,please make a post!!!:)[/IMG]

 

[bobandbill]

As it's rhyming and you also called it a poem, I've moved this to the poetry subsection.

I feel the presentation could be better as it's not easy to read for two reasons. One is the text colour you chose, which can be hard to read for people using different forum skins (the one I use is mostly white and so the bright blue text does not stand out too well for me). I recommend just going with the default text colour for posts, particularly with fics and poems.

The other one is spacing - if you put a poem into one paragraph than it can create a wall of text so to speak and also make it harder to read. So for instance with the first few lines, I'd make it like so:

There was once a Barboach in a lake,
whose mind does nothing to make.
A Goldeen asked him, "Do you know where my Basculin be?"
Barboach exclaimed, "Um.....I don't know with me!"
He wept and then ran away,
the Goldeen had nothing left to say.

in which each line ends with the rhyming word. On that note there's some broken images in your post too for me - I don't see any reason for there to be images put into the story though. (Also you'd want a space between a word outside of dialogue and quotation arks - so 'A Goldeen asked him, "Do you know where...', not 'A Goldeen asked him,"Do you know where...').


I'm a bit confused on a few points in the story too. For instance, at first I thought it was about a missing Basculin but there was no further mention of it. And although a Barboach fainting a Gyarados sounds pretty awesome (and I liked how the water got hotter when it appeared) I would have liked to have seen more of the actual battle in the poem - at the moment it says barboach whited out but knew what to do and won, but how is not clear and it feels a bit like a missed opportunity for me. Similarly for the Mew as well - it appeared but didn't add anything to the tale in my opinion, and this line:

He didn't notice he was smart from his father's wish

seemed from nowhere - what father's wish? How did it make him smart?

It's not a bad basis, but I feel it could use more work, partly in presentation and partly in making sure that what is in the story makes sense to the reader.

 

[Palladium]

There was once a Barboach in a lake,whose mind does nothing to make. A Goldeen asked him,"Do you know where my Basculin be?" Barboach exclaimed,"Um.....I don't know with me!" He wept and then ran away,the Goldeen had nothing left to say.

The Barboach ran away,and he didn't have anything to do,crying,weeping,sobbing,until he saw a Mew. He wondered and wondered,why it was pink,and he had an idea. Until he had to blink.

He found out what it was as soon as it disappeared. He was curious,I thought it was here. He didn't notice he was smart from his father's wish.But this isn't the end of the story. Everything was demolished! A Gyarados came to invade the water,and the water became hotter! Barboach whited out but he knew what to do. The Gyarados was demolished! And everyone screamed out,''Yeehoo!"The Gyarados fainted and Barboach's parents are proud,and then when they saw the Gyarados,they laughed out loud!

What do you think? Do you like it the poem the most? If you just do,please make a post!!!:)[/IMG]

Well, to begin with, you should have spaced it as a normal poem, to make it easier to read. There are some strange lines like " I don't know with me!" this sounds weird, but since bob left that alone and he's a native speaker I'll leave that alone.

Why would Barboach weep from not knowing an answer? And about that line "He was smart from his father's wish" is weird. You didn't mention his father before, neither a wish. Why did the water become hotter when Gyarados arrived to the scene? And how did Barboach, that had fainted, demolish Gyarados, a living being ?

The poem is confusing, the outline is good but it could use a lot of work.
Also, if it's a written piece you shouldn't rely on images, those are comics.

That's it, hope it was helpful