Rise of the Champion

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JADEN133

Fire master
    • 37
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    19
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    • Age 31
    • IN
    • Seen Feb 7, 2006
    Ok, I haven't done this before, but I thought I may give it a try.
    Characters:
    Steven
    Brendan
    Lance
    May
    Wally
    Wallace
    Espy(Espeon thats kinda important later)
    Jaden( Can't leave me out, eh?) :)
    Mike
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    Chapter 1


    It was a warm day as Wally, Brendan, and Jaden walked in Mossdeep City. They were relaxing after defeating Tate and Liza. Jaden watched as his Swampert swam past him. "That Swampert of yours is pretty impressive." Brendan said, and he got ready to stand. But his Golduck knocked him back over, because he had tripped and hurt his knee. "Your Golduck seems to worry about you, Brendan." Jaden said laughing. Wally stayed silent, as if he couldn't speak. Just then, they heard yelling, and then, an explosion. They all rose to their feet, and went to see what is was. In the distance, they could see a man in blue riding a Pokemon to a mountain, and a man on the ground. They ran to see who it was, and they saw a boy, with an injured Kecleon by his side. Jaden looked at the bruises and cuts, and said, "We need to get them to the Pokemon center, now." Wally nodded, and picked up the Kecleon, while Brendan and Jaden picked the boy up, and they satrted walking to the Pokemon Center. After sitting in the Pokemon Center for 3 hours, they took Mike to their room in the hotel. "That man was part of Team Aqua. He wanted my sapphire. I wouldn't give it to him. So he sent out his Mightyena to battle. That explosion was its hyper beam. After I was knocked down, he took my sapphire and left." Mike looked at his Kecleon, and it smiled at him. Wally looked at his Pokedex, which read '97 Pokemon seen, 32 owned' and he put it away. Brendan looked at Mike, and asked him, "Do you know where hes going?" Mike shook his head. Wally looked up and said quietly, "Hes going to Mt.Pyre, the mountain we saw." Jaden stood up and said quickly, "I'll go and catch up to him. Brendan, you and Mike stay here and rest. Wally, you come with me." Wally stood up, and followed Jaden to the ocean peak.
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    Well, let me know how I did for the 1st chapter, and what I can do to improve. Thanks.
     
    First of which, it's not entirely necessary to list out the names of your characters in the beginning. Second of all, there's not much of a character development as we are already introduced with the characters that seem to have a typical one dimensional behaviors. Also, you emphasized a bit on unecessary detail, which is not quite needed when you write stories. If you want to put a certain detail in your story, they better be aiding the plot development and helping it move forward. And as for the general criticisms, you didn't run this through your spellchecker (MS Word) and it's likely that there are some grammar errors here and there. Also, try to improve in your sentence structures as some sentences turned out quite awkward. Some nice descriptions will help, too as yours seems bland without them.

    And if you want to improve more, try going to these threads. They'll help.

    https://www.pokecommunity.com/threads/46646
    https://www.pokecommunity.com/threads/27806
     
    I see. I'm going to read through those a few times, and then I'll try and do better for the next chapter.


    Thanks
     
    *note* Someone please delete this. I'm not going to be writing to this one anymore. I'm currently learning to improve my writing. Thanks.
     
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