Rising Shadows

[Nekomata]

Rising Shadows
(Rated PG-13 for Mild Language and Mild use of Violence)​

One morning, days after the eruption of Mt. Vellenge, a Flareon by the name of Neko is found on the island of Mystella. She has no memories of her past and seems to have an annoying little voice in her head. Meanwhile a strange new force is gaining strength and this time the threat does not remain in Aryll, Laokia and Memoria alone, but all seven regions. The problem is that the region have never cooperated with each other, and don't intend to do so any time soon. Neko will be forced through many hard times filled with choices. She must make allies and follow her instincts as she discovers more about her past as well as the forgotten history of the lands.

Note: This is not a Mystery Dungeon Fan-fic.

This is a fic I started back in September, and I do have about 30 chapters completed. Although, I plan on posting one at a time, usually I don't post until I get some feedback on a particular chapter. Seven of the first nine chapters were under two pages, two of those seven just barely under. I have continued the story without turning back because I had school and didn't have the necessary time to provide the occasional new chapter and to redo the older chapters. I plan to redo those seven, not entirely, but simply to improve them so they can be posted here. I have made exactly thirty chapters at this point, most of which are between three to five pages long.

This fic was originally started to help stimulate my writing techniques after summer break, which it succesfully did after writing almost non-stop for a few weeks and tossing out a few ideas. Soon I started to get into the fic, and with some encouragement that I got from a few people I asked to read it, I decided to continue it for sheer joy.

The inspiration of the fic comes from many places. A proboards site was once made for invited Pokemon Crater Members to join. I was one of them. There was a roleplay board there and a single thread for the roleplay. Me and my friend (some times another person or two would join us for a few pages) roleplayed for over 80 pages non-stop until the day the admin moved the forums. I can't say it was literate, as this was before the time I learned to write properly, but I can say I had a blast. That forum doesn't exist anymore, and I no longer have any contact with those who I roleplayed with.

The other big inspiration is the Laokia Region Roleplay. I joined there only about 8 months ago amazed at how a organized roleplay was. I was a better writer at this point after joining a Warriors RP (by Erin Hunter) a year before. I as a graphic mod work with sprites often, and usually went through the Laokia region Pokedex to look at the sprites submitted by mods and members alike. I decided after a few months that I'd include some of these exclusive Pokemon in my fic. Some are splices, others are fusions, and then there are the scratches. It added a whole new idea for the fic.

I have asked permission from the Laokia admin to use the regions of Laokia, Aryll and any submitted Pokemon in the Dex. Putting this out there in case some one has to ask.

The original prolouge to the fic is well, short and vague. I intended to make it vague, as the parts that are missing will be explained. But as I am revamping the first 9 chapters of my fic, I may as well add a little more to the Prolouge. This will show something that has yet to be revieled in my fic so far, and will become clear as you read on. You people here better feel special, as I'm adding more to the prolouge for you! This is something that the other two sites that have read any of this fic have never seen. Another change from the other sites that shall be here is my format. I normally have everything centered, but her I shall not!

Note: The second half of the prolouge is unaltered from the original. A re-written and much more descriptive version is PART of the fic. So don't bug me about that. Please, and Thank you!

Another Note: Of the chapters I plan to redo, I only have one done. I shall edit the post with the new chapter when they are ready for those to see any significant change, I will announce any edited chapters in the 'Comments/Notes' part at the end of each chapter. I appreciate critisism and comments. I even take idea suggestions sometimes.

Chapter List

Part One​

Chapter One: Lost
Chapter Two: First Encounter
Chapter Three: Drifting
Chapter Four: Shadows
Chapter Five: Letter
Chapter Six: Mainland
Chapter Seven: Starfall Town
Chapter Eight: Rising Shadows
Chapter Nine: Awakened
Chapter Ten: Azreka Forest
Chapter Eleven: Shadows
Chapter Twelve: Demons
Chapter Thirteen: Past
Chapter Fourteen: Star
Chapter Fifteen: Missing
Chapter Sixteen: Meeting
Chapter Seventeen: Rushed
Chapter Eighteen: Trapped
Chapter Nineteen: Prolouge
Chapter Twenty: Unite or Die

Part Two​

Chapter One: The Beginning
Chapter Two: Escape
Chapter Three: Storm
Chapter Four: War
Chapter Five: Hunt
Chapter Six: Betrayal
Chapter Seven: Nya
Chapter Eight: Prophecy
Chapter Nine: Allies
Chapter Ten: A Final Stand
Chapter Eleven:
Chapter Twelve:
Chapter Thirteen:
Chapter Fourteen:
Chapter Fifteen:
Chapter Sixteen:
Chapter Seventeen:
Chapter Eighteen:
Chapter Nineteen:
Chapter Twenty:

Main Characters​

Neko - A flareon who was found on Mystella island by Mist and Talon. She has no memories of her past.

Talon - A sarcastic and serious Zangoose. Despite his appearance, he is kind-hearted.

Mist - An Air-headed Mimagius who loves to sing, dance, play, shop and/or anything that can possibly annoy some one else.

Storm - A Crystal Absol who appears quite crazy like mist.

Leah - A brave Espeon who would do anything to stop evil and protect the ones she cares for.

Prologue​

"Akuma, your plans end here." A gentle and commanding voice echoed through the mountaintop where a beautiful city stood. "I will not allow you to harm more innocent Pokemon in order to achieve whatever treacherous goals you have." The speaker was a large white Pokemon with soft blue fur that covered her chest. The form of her body was cat like, with more tufts of soft blue fur around her ankles and a fluffy soft blue tail. Her eyes were a deep emerald green that had a comforting shine to them.

Another Pokemon looked mockingly at the Angelic Pokemon. "Do you honestly believe you can stop me?" This Pokemon had the same shape, except his fur was black and red. The red tufts of fur on his chest and paws were all ragged, just as his tail. His eyes were a deep blood red, showing the exact opposite of his enemy. Hate. "I'd turn tail and flee if I were you, after all... Sky Dragon City will be as good as gone." The Demon Pokemon laughed before attacking its enemy with a ball of Dark Aura.

What do I do? A small Espeon peered from the shadows, standing behind an Umbreon. The purple Pokemon watched as the two Legendary Pokemon clashed several times, with no clear end to the battle. "Zeon... what do we do?" Her voice held no hint of fear, only a note of concern for the Angelic Pokemon who was fighting.

The Black Pokemon simply remained silent for a while watching as the fight unfolded. Another dark ball shot through the sky at the white Pokemon, knocking her on the floor. "Zeon! We have to help!" The tide of the battle had turned in the favor of the Demon Pokemon. "Are we just going to stand her and lit him win this? We've fought so hard to defeat him!"

The yellow bands on Zeon began to glow for several moments. "Our Lord wishes for us to enter the fight now." The Umbreon took several steps forward. "Now is the time, we distract Akuma and buy Tenshi some time!" The Espeon nodded and both shot out of cover into the field. They did not enter the battlefield alone. Several other Pokemon came in to help. A dog like Pokemon entered in, crystals jutting out of his back like spines, next to a aquatic one with an tri-forked tail and a darker blue helmet covering its face. A silent shadow floated by them all waving the unusual and ghost like shadows back and forth.

All of the Pokemon in the area shot their strongest attacks at Akuma. "I'm sorry, but was that supposed to defeat me?" The Pokemon held the ground as an odd feeling arose around all the Pokemon making them all unable to move. "Tenshi, it appears that you followers are about to betray you. I'm sorry Akuma, you may be able to control us, but you can't control the protectors of Aryll or Tenshi! The Espeon grinned aware that the battle was about to end.

A small bright light shone above the Angel Pokemon's head, glowing with more intensity every second. "Akuma, this next move shall end this battle." Akuma growled and began to work on a counter attack, storing a massive amount of dark energy into another orb. The two attacks shot at each other with great force, but even after being shot out the ball of light only grew in intensity until it was impossible to see anything. When the light finally subsided, both Akuma and Tenshi were gone.

~*~*~*~

"Neko! Get out of here.... NOW!" A large boulder landed nearby a dragon-like Pokemon as it shot flames a massive Pokemon. The Pokemon, a Charizard, quickly tried to avoid the rock, taking a hit to his wing. He grunted with the effort of getting up, quickly countering with a Dragon Rage attack. A Flareon shot out from behind the Charizard sending many oddly colored flames at the enormous Pokemon.

"I'm not leaving you here, not as long as Groudon stands." the Flareon replied keeping a battle stance ready to avoid another hit if necessary. The fight had seemed to go along smoothly, until another earthquake had started. The Groudon reached forward swinging its large claws at the Flareon.

"I told you to get out!" The dragon Pokemon repeated in a harsh tone, quickly intercepting the attack, holding off the white claws. Another shake hit the area, causing several more boulders to tumble down landing on both Groudon and the floor. Unmoved by the boulders the ground type Pokemon quickly pushed the Charizard away, aiming another attack at the Flareon.

The Flareon didn't have a chance to reply as lava started to well around the arena in which they fought. A bright and burning light soon blinded both of the fire type Pokemon, followed by an enormous explosion.

 

[Nekomata]

Part One
Chapter One
Lost​

"Hey, Over here!"​

Whats going on?​

"Where?"​

Voices?​

"Is she okay?"​

"What do I look like? A Chansey?"​

"Put on a little wait and maybe…"​

"Just shut up and help me find some berries or something…"​

"Alrighty."​

Where am I… The Flareon struggled to get up, wincing as a sharp pain struck her leg. Is it broken? She managed to sit up comfortably after a bit No, it just hurts. "Your awake!" A purple ghost like Pokemon hovered over her. There were red jewels around her neck and on her head it seemed like she was wearing a hat. "Are you alright there?" It was clearly a Mismagius, though this one looked more air headed than most. "Oh! What's your name!"​

"Um… I'm Neko." She replied trying to stretch her stiff leg. "Where the hell am I?" She opened her eyes and peered around, ignoring the bright light. Great… looks like a tropical rainforest… If there was anything she knew she disliked, it was wet and humid places. What else could you expect from a fire type Pokemon? A second Pokemon came up to Neko, dropping a few oran berries at her paws. This second Pokemon was a Zangoose, with the red streaks in the usual pattern. "And… who are you?"​

"Your certainly an odd one!" Mist grinned and spun around Neko before replying to the question. "We find you out her half-dead and all you want to know is our names?" The ghost type Pokemon laughed before continuing. "I'm Mist, and the grouch over there is Talon." Talon gave a cold stare at Mist before sitting down at the base of a nearby tree. "He's not as mean as he looks, he just doesn't like others to know that he really is nice."​

"So, are you going to tell us what happened to you? Or will let Mist die of curiosity?" Talon broke his brief moment of silence and gave a short glance at Neko before closing his eyes. Neko dug into her mind trying to recall what exactly caused her to end up on such a miserable island. That's when she realized something.​

She couldn't remember anything.​

Well, except for her own name, assuming that she is using the right name. She sighed as she thought it couldn't get any worst being stuck in such a wet and humid place without realizing that she had no memories of her past. She continued to dig through her mind only to hit stones each time. "I can't… remember." She shook her head hoping that it would give her something else. "Also… are either one of you willing to answer my first question?"​

Mist looked blankly at thin air for a moment before looking at Neko. "What?" She really is clueless isn't she? "Oh, yeah… You are on the off-coast island of Mystella." Mist began to juggle the berries in the air with her psychic attack until one of them fell and landed right on Neko's head. "Whoops!" Mist quickly began to mess with the berries again swirling them in odd patterns.​

Talon sighed. "She isn't helping much is she?" Talon spoke casually. "All we know is that you some how ended up on this near-deserted island off the coast of Memoria." Talon got up and stretched. "Mystella is one of many small islands in the area, second largest actually, but tiny compared to Cazerad, the largest. Across the sea for a few miles is the region of Memoria."​

Mist cut in after finally boring with the berries. "According to rumors there has been a lot of trouble going on in Memoria recently. You know… mysterious kidnappings, murder, destruction, chaos… thankfully the area that we visit occasionally has been left alone." Neko stared at Mist for a moment. Is that supposed to make me feel better?​

Neko thought over what she was just told. She wasn't pleased about being on some island, but the word Cazerad seemed to prod something deep in her mind. "Do you mind telling more about Caze… Cazer-whatever?" Sounds familiar… but from where?​

Talon twitched one of his ears with an annoyed look, but didn't complain as he began to explain. "As I said earlier, Cazerad Island is about twice the size of Mystella, and has several small mountains on it. The forests around the mountains are supposedly deserted based on what we have learned… we don't know for sure because all Pokemon that go there never return."​

"Pleasant." Neko muttered dryly before finally eating the oran berries that Mist was playing around with a few minutes ago. A soft and cheerful humming could be heard in the background as Neko patiently awaited for something to happen.​

Talon's eyes quickly skimmed over some nearby bushes as a small rustle could be heard. His body presumed a battle stance as he turned towards where the noise had first come from. The look in his eyes was clearly hostile towards whatever was there. I hope they don't assume that I can't fight. Neko took a few steps forward to stand next to Talon.​

She may not remember a thing, but she knew her instincts would guide her through a battle. Unless it was a large ambush she and the two insane Pokemon around her would most likely be able to take whatever was in there, or so she hoped. Where is Mist? Neko looked to see Mist playing around with a few flower petals clearly oblivious to the scene that was about to unfold. Why am I not surprised.​

Comments/Notes​

This is actually the remake of Chapter One. The original was slightly shorter as I added more detail into this one but completely removed a paragraph or two. I still prefer the new one do to more detail and better wording. If this wasn't made clear earlier, this is not a Mystery Dungeon Fic at all. It's my own little idea inspired by many different things. A brief summary of what to expect in this fic region wise. Also - Aipom does not normally learn Quick Attack, this was my fault, but I decided to keep it in the remake.​

First there is Kanto, Jhoto, Hoenn, and Sinnoh. (Sorry, no Orre and such). Then there are the two regions from the Laokia Region Roleplay. Laokia, and Aryll. Then the last one is original to this fic, Memoria. In the Laokia Roleplay there are many fakemon, a few of which will appear in this fic, most likely in the Laokia, Aryll, and Memoria regions, where most of the fic so far will be set.​

The two pokemon fighting in the start of the prologue are two Laokian Legendary Pokemon. Akuma, the demon, and Tenshi, the Angel. There are also three new types (maybe going to add the fourth recently released in Laokia/Aryll). Marine, Crystal, and Shadow. If you look at the prolouge, they are in there.​

The fic can get confusing at times according to some people, while others just get right away. If you have any questions, comments or critisism it will all be responded to below the next chapter in the 'Comments/Notes' area. Questions will be answered the best I can without ruining or spoiling the plot. Comments will be replied to with some random response. I will do my best to improve using the critisism I get, though as I have written a lot more to this fic than I have posted you may not see your critisism appllied until Part Two of the fic, though you will still see where the improvements begin from other critisism. (Note: I am rewriting the 1st nine chapters, so they may or may not be better than other chapters in part One. If you wish to see the original of each chapter ask and I shall edit the post by adding original to the bottom as they are normally shorter than the rewrites.)​

Thanks for reading! (By the way, I love seeing posts with Questions, comments and Critisism. It's knowing that I have readers that encourages me to write more!)​

 

[delongbi]

Hello!

Well, I like the sound of this fic! Nice prologue and first chapter!

I'll start with the grammar things I caught.

"Put on a little wait and maybe…"​

The weight you're talking about is weight (mass), not wait (stop).

She managed to sit up comfortably after a bit No, it just hurts. "Your awake!"

Should be "You're awake!" and I think you're missing a period after bit.

"Your certainly an odd one!"

Again, should be "you're" not "your" because it is an abbriviation for "you are".

"So, are

The "" are facing the wrong way here.

ghost like

I'm pretty sure you need a dash between those two. Ghost-like.

towards whatever

I believe it should be toward, but I'm not sure about that one.

This isn't exactly a grammar thing, but still something to consider. You changed tenses here:

Well, except for her own name, assuming that she is using the right name. She sighed as she thought it couldn't get any worst being stuck in such a wet and humid place without realizing that she had no memories of her past. She continued to dig through her mind only to hit stones each time.

You use is, and then go back to using past tense. It sounds awkward. I would replace "is" with "was". Stick to one tense.

Bleh... sorry about all that. I sometimes get into a nit-picky mode...

Anyway, to the actual story.

I like what you set up here. It leaves the reader curious about what comes next, even though the prologue is a bit confusing.

However, Neko's reaction to losing her memory is strangely calm. She does not seem at all confused, which seems a bit unrealistic to me. And then she goes on to say she is ready to fight? I know she is a Pokemon with instincts, but she doesn't seem at all dissoriented when she doesn't remember a thing but her own name!

Also, I can't decide if I really like or dislike your writing style. There are a lot of point of view shifts, which makes it confusing and a bit bizarre. However, it can probably have a pretty cool affect if it's used the right way. Hard to tell right now.

Anywho, overall, it seems like a pretty good beginning. I'll keep reading, especially because I'm sure your writing improved over the following chapters.

I would recommend revising a bit more before posting to get out the little grammar things.

Hope I didn't come off too harsh. Really, it's a great start. Keep writing! (or in this case, revising / posting?) :)

 

[Nekomata]

Part One
Chapter Two
First Encounter​

Silence grasped the area for several long moments before an oddly colored Pokemon stepped out. It was monkey like, with a hand on its tail. The Pokemon was clearly an Aipom , but what was so strange about it was its coloring. Instead of the usual purple and tan like color Aipoms normally have, this one was mostly black with a blood red underbelly, face, hand, and ears. An unusual feeling was emitted from the peculiar Pokemon.​

What in the world? Neko growled softly as two other Aipom came out, both instead these were normal looking unlike the first. Three on three… sounds fair. Or it would be if Mist was paying attention. The look on Talon's face made it seem like he would be able to take all three down alone if needed.​

The unusual Aipom looked at Talon for a brief moment before closing it's eyes and shooting off into a Quick Attack. Two can play at that game. Neko winced as she built a lot of pressure into her leg to counter the black Pokemon's attack with a Quick Attack of her own. Her attack intercepted the Aipom's who looked shocked that Neko stepped in. The black Pokemon frowned and waved its tail towards its companions.​

As if on cue all three of the Aipoms shot of an array of golden stars. Unable to dodge the attack both Neko and Talon suffered some damage. "Not you again." Talon growled, now standing in front of the first Aipom, sending his claws down and its head. He knows them? Neko was shocked by Talon's speed and strength, it was as if he teleported to be in front of the oddly colored Demon Aipom.​

Neko had let her guard down long enough to be surprised by one of the Aipom who was now about to hit her with a glowing tail. The attack didn't do much damage, but she knew better than to get distracted like that again. As soon as she recovered she quickly shot a stream of fire at one of the Aipoms breaking its concentration.​

Where in the world did Mist go? Neko could see Mist watching silently in the background. She's not fighting? Hmm… Neko shrugged, the crazy ghost probably assumed that she and Talon could handle the Aipoms. One of the Aipoms let out a deafening screech, making all of the Pokemon, even the other Aipom, stop and cover their ears.​

In that moment Talon was hit by a Focus Punch and was sent flying several feet. "Damn Aipom." He growled before disappearing once again with a Quick Attack and slamming the Aipom down hard with a Crush Claw attack, leaving it knocked out. The second ordinary Aipom thought it would try attacking Talon from behind, but was only sent back flying as talon quickly turned around and sliced it with a Night Slash Attack.​

The two remaining Aipom glanced wearily at Neko and Talon, deciding weather to flee or not. At that moment the darkly colored one waved it's tail again for a signal to attack. The Aipom both starting screeching into the air, drowning out any nearby sounds. I think I know why Talon doesn't like Aipom now… Neko folded her ears flat against her head and sent out another stream of flames, knocking both Pokemon over.​

The second normal looking Aipom looked at Talon and started to dash at him before quickly veering off to strike at Neko with an Iron Tail attack, doing little damage once again. As it turned to gain distance again Neko gave chases, her fangs began to burn with fire just as she bit onto its tail and threw it towards Talon who used Crush Claw once again to send it whimpering away with its friend.​

Now only one Aipom remained. The odd black and red one that Talon seemed to dislike most. The Aipom gave a serious look at Talon and Neko and let out several bolts of electricity, most of which hit Neko. She winced in pain as she felt the shock charge through her body, nearly numbing it to paralysis. She shook her head and let out another Flamethrower towards the unusual Pokemon, only for the Pokemon to jump away and the fire to dissolve in a puddle of water.​

In an instant Talon was behind the Aipom, smashing it down with many kicks and punches. It was hard to imagine the Aipom being able to do anything after this attack based on the heavy impact of each blow. After what seemed like several minutes the Aipom was on the ground dazed and tired out. "Lets go now." Talon started to walk away with the same serious expression on his face.​

"Um… do you have something against Aipoms?" Neko dared ask Talon. If any Pokemon looked like a cereal killer or merciless murderer it was Talon. Neko waited for a reply but Talon simply walked past and ignored her comment. I'm so glad I got to meet some friendly Pokemon out here. She thought dryly forgetting that Mist was still around.​

Mist floated over to Neko's side with the same cheerful carefree look on her face. "Don't mind him, like I said earlier, he's a grouch most of the time." Most of the time? Or all of the time? Neko looked behind her to see the black and red Aipom giving her and Talon an annoyed look before it fled into the forest. What a day… It was then that Neko realized that it was only noon at the latest.​

Neko hesitated for a bit. Should she follow Talon and Mist? After all, she had no idea where in the world she was, or what she was going to do. "Don't worry about it, you can come along. Talon wouldn't dare complain about it." She acts as if she knows that for a fact. Neko shrugged and began to follow the two Pokemon. At least Mist was kind, however crazy and air headed.​

Neko sighed as she walked along with her two new 'friends.' If this is how everyday of her life was going to be, she might as well say good bye to any sanity she may have known in her past. All she could think about was the odd Pokemon for some time. The colors of the Pokemon seemed almost… evil, but the Pokemon itself didn't seem like it. Sure it attacked them, but there was something more to the whole thing.​

Comments/Notes
This is also a quick remake of the original chapter... it was quite hard to finish and improve to a 2 page min (which I aim t get for at least 90% of the time) because the original was really six paragraphs. But I am pleased that I managed to do it in a fair amount of time so I can get to work on continueing the story for the day rather then rewriting all day.​

The Aipom is not a shiny, and it is not painted xD Not sure what else to note on here, without ruining any part of the story. ^^​

Bleh... sorry about all that. I sometimes get into a nit-picky mode...

Anyway, to the actual story.

I like what you set up here. It leaves the reader curious about what comes next, even though the prologue is a bit confusing.​

However, Neko's reaction to losing her memory is strangely calm. She does not seem at all confused, which seems a bit unrealistic to me. And then she goes on to say she is ready to fight? I know she is a Pokemon with instincts, but she doesn't seem at all dissoriented when she doesn't remember a thing but her own name!​

Also, I can't decide if I really like or dislike your writing style. There are a lot of point of view shifts, which makes it confusing and a bit bizarre. However, it can probably have a pretty cool affect if it's used the right way. Hard to tell right now.​

Anywho, overall, it seems like a pretty good beginning. I'll keep reading, especially because I'm sure your writing improved over the following chapters.​

I would recommend revising a bit more before posting to get out the little grammer things.​

Hope I didn't come off too harsh. Really, it's a great start. Keep writing! (or in this case, revising / posting?)​

Don't worry bout being nit-picky xD reviewing my own fic is very uneffective xD I do mistakes and typos left and right, knowing they are wrong but not noticing them. I normally don't fix them right away (as this fic is on like... 4 different sites, and that gets annoying after a bit). Thanks, I tend to pay more attention to certain mistakes when they are pointed out xD

The prolouge is confusing, normally to those who are not in the Laokia Region Roleplay site, as they already know many of the fakemon and such, things will get clear soon though. And yes, most of my chapters will leave off with some sort of suspense.​

I know what you mean about Neko being so calm... but it is in her personality sorta. Something is keeping her calm. You'll find out a little more I think in Ch. 9 (Awakened). It doesn't explain much, but most people assume that by that point. Neko's personality can be best described as some one who is quite calm, sarcastic and quiet... shes a weird one... but hey, you wouldn't want to have just any other ordinary character now would you? xD (I fail at that...)​

My writing style... I've heard people call it weird a hundred times over. I don't really pay attention how I write... I just write, dunno. View shifts... are not supposed to be in chapter one X_x they are normally marked with '~*~*~*~' so if it appears that way, its my ability to fail at keeping consistancy with anything unless I do it all at once. Shift views will be quite often as you get into later chapters as Neko woun't be stuck with Talon and Mist forever, and the introduction of a new character that has no idea who any of the three are.​

I know my writing has improved since the start, and these rewrites can't show that, seeing that I'm limited to only adding more detail to the chapters rather than adding more story to them and such. These chapters may come off as short at first, but soon they average from 3-6 pages in length. (Ariel, Size 12) I try not to force my writing... thats when things start going bad X_x I have to be in it for it to come out good xD which is why I was up til 4 AM writing Chapter 10 of Part Two... six and a half pages of writing.​

Thanks for looking at the fic, and no you were not too harsh... you should have seen one response I got at serebii... it ticked me off to no end. Basically it was to stick with roleplaying. I like to know that people are reading, it helps motivate me xD Thanks!​

EDIT: I meant to work on rewriting Chapter three today (Jan. 30) but It's been a long day and I have no muse at all. Sorry! I'll try getting something done this weekend. Unless some one wants me to post the original short and terrible version of it.
​

 

[delongbi]

Again, grammar crud first.

Neko growled softly as two other Aipom came out, both instead these were normal looking unlike the first.

Maybe you meant but? Dunno. That sentance doesn't make much sense...

Aipoms breaking its concentration.

Should be their, not its. And I believe there should be a comma between breaking and its.

even the other Aipom, stop

Sometimes you use Aipom as plural, and sometimes Aipoms. I'm not sure which is actually correct, but I would try to be consistent.

as talon quickly

Should be capitalized.

weather to

That's the weather outside. It should be whether.

Ok, onto other things.

All she could think about was the odd Pokemon for some time.

That took me a moment because I thought Neko was still referring to Talon and Mist, hahaha!

My writing style... I've heard people call it weird a hundred times over.

So here is a quote I thought there was a point of view change.

Mist looked blankly at thin air for a moment before looking at Neko. "What?" She really is clueless isn't she? "Oh, yeah… You are on the off-coast island of Mystella."

It seemed like I was reading Mist's thoughts. Though, now that I look back on it, I suppose Neko could be thinking the same. So was it supposed to be Neko's thoughts?

Overall, I liked this chapter, though not as much as the first. I still think it is weird that Neko is still calm...

The colors of the Pokemon seemed almost… evil, but the Pokemon itself didn't seem like it. Sure it attacked them, but there was something more to the whole thing.

I know that is foreshadowing, but I'm not quite sure how Neko could know the Pokemon seemed evil but really wasn't.

I did like that connection to the prologue- there was a Pokemon that was a different color there too.

Again, I would definetly work on the editing. Maybe have a friend revise it before you post it? That's what I do.

I am curious to see where this story is going. I think you could use a bit more excitement in the battle... it was almost Pokemon A did this attack, and then Pokemon B did that attack. But overall, I still like the idea.

Thanks for looking at the fic, and no you were not too harsh... you should have seen one response I got at serebii... it ticked me off to no end. Basically it was to stick with roleplaying. I like to know that people are reading, it helps motivate me xD Thanks!

Awe, no problem. Actually, the same thing happened to me when I posted on serebii. It was a real blow to my self-esteem and actually stopped me from writing for half a year... I only recently started again. That's why I try not to sound too harsh- I want people to keep writing, otherwise I wouldn't bother reviewing! I don't want what happened to me to stop anyone else.

So thanks for writing! And keep it up!