[Pokémon] Seeds

[Jaegir]

Prologue
"Why are you trying to steal my Pokemon?" says a young damsel in distress on the television screen. "It's for your country ma'am!" say the evil goons of The Government. "Stop right there!" Two mysterious figures in black stand in front of the woman, protecting her. "Oh no, it's Team Rocket!"
"That's right! And The Government is not going to lay a hand on The People's Pokemon!"
They proceed to fight and the goons proceed to lose. "Let's get outta here!" The baddies leave the woman her Pokemon and dash. "How can I ever repay you Team Rocket?"
"Simple ma'am, just support your local branch!" (Paid for by Silph Co.)

A young man sitting in front of his T.V. eating cereal just wants to watch cartoons. This is the third Team Rocket commercial in a row. He was just about to give up when his father walked in. "Not busy? Maybe you and I can go patrol the town together?" "Actually I was just sitting down." Another Team Rocket commercial just aired. "Is that the one with me?"
"They're all the one with you."
"Ah... well, when you're ready to join the ranks, I can get you in pretty far Jim."
"I don't want to be a grunt."
"I'll make sure they put you in a high rank."
"I don't want to do it." There was a silence. This is normal. "I remember when I took you to your first parade..." His father was looking at a photo on a wall, as if he could see that whole day through the tiny frame. "You told me you wanted to be just like me. You're just a kid. You're too young to make these kind of decisions."
"Are we done?"
Another silence.
"Not for a long time."
It was the last thing his father had said to him. During the night the authorities believed that he was kidnapped. They didn't want to help the family of a Rocket. So they dropped it. Luckily, Team Rocket would help support their family under the condition the young man join as a grunt. His life and death. This is the story of James and how he saved the world.

Next: Chapter I - James:First Mission

Let me know if any want me to finish it. I have the story all planned out but I don't want to continue if its crap.

Honesty is accepted.

 

[Yusshin]

You need to work on structure. For example, space your paragraphs with the Enter key. Although in novels, they're clumped together, it's different on a forum. It's easier to read something that separates each paragraph by a unique line when you're reading on the computer.

An example of this format is my fanfic, or the Mentor fanfic. Every paragraph is spaced out to permit better reading.

"Why are you trying to steal my Pokemon?" says a young damsel in distress on the television screen. "It's for your country ma'am!" say the evil goons of The Government. "Stop right there!" Two mysterious figures in black stand in front of the woman, protecting her. "Oh no, it's Team Rocket!"

Here, you clump two dialogues together, or possibly even three. Separate them.

Although I'm not a fan of stories written in the present tense, that's your choice, and not a fault at all. I'm just mentioning preference.

Avoid using abbreviations, too. Rather than writing "T.V.", use "television".

A young man sitting in front of his T.V. eating cereal just wants to watch cartoons. This is the third Team Rocket commercial in a row. He was just about to give up when his father walked in. "Not busy? Maybe you and I can go patrol the town together?"

That dialogue needs a separate paragraph.

"Actually, I was just sitting down."

An omitted comma; I marked it in red.

"They're all the one with you."

This sentence is a bit awkward; if your character really speaks like that, that's fine. Different rules apply to dialogue and narration, though, so make sure not to mix it.

"Ah... well, when you're ready to join the ranks, I can get you in pretty far, Jim."

Another omitted comma.

They didn't want to help the family of a Rocket. So they dropped it.

Typically, you can't start sentences with "So", thus place a comma instead of a period and use a lower-case "s" to fix this.

You're also not very descriptive; you don't describe speech very well, or extra action tidbits. You should be describing a character through speech and gestures, and perhaps throwing in a direct description. For example:

"I'd love to go to the movies with you!" Ginette cried in zeal, twisting her long, curly brown hair around her finger. She had been waiting for this opportunity for a long time.

So now what do we know about Ginette? She has long, curly brown hair, and she's obviously lusting after this one guy. She also seems to enjoy the movies, especially since now she can go with that boy she likes.

We got all that from a few short sentences, and dialogue. You should develop, not dialogue, but gestures more. Right now, it just looks like two apathetic people talking to each other with a few actions here and there, but nothing to really detail their personalities / outer appearance.

It's a good start, though. I encourage you to keep going :) A Team Rocket story is always nice, and if you pull it off right, who knows? You might even get it placed in the Archive for amazing fanfictions when it's done!

 

[Jaegir]

Appreciate the help. Working on the next part.

 

[Jaegir]

I split things and stuff into paragraphs this time!

Chapter I - James: First Mission

James stood at attention. For the past two weeks he's done nothing but rigorous training. He felt like he could faint from sleep deprivation, but the idea of becoming what his father always wanted him to become was just at hand. He was not alone. There were other trainees there. What was their motivation? Why did they want to "join the cause"? James still didn't understand "the cause". But he pretended to, for his mom, for his dad.
Two men dressed in very fancy suits with a big, red, "R" badge across their right shoulder walked up to the row of young men and women.
"Do you know why you're here?" one of them addressed. "You are here for many reasons I assume. Some greater than others..."
He glanced at James.
"But aside from your personal reasons you are here for one thing only. What is that Rockets?"
The trainees began in unison to recite the Rocket creed.

To protect the world from devastation,
to unite all peoples within our nation,
to denounce the evils of hate and lies,
to extend our reach to beyond the skies.
Out of the darkness and into the light,
surrender now or prepare to fight!

The man who hadn't spoken yet smiled. "Congratulations, you are all now graduates of Rocket Academy."
The auditorium lit up. It was a large auditorium. Team Rocket decided to build schools across the land in order to teach children how to protect themselves against evil. James and his class walked off the stage and into the audience to find their parents.
"Your father would have been proud you know?"
"Yeah, I know." He hugged his mom and had a look in his eyes of false happiness. Is this what he really wanted?

After the following party just as he was about to leave home one of the finely dressed men from earlier came up to him.
"Excuse me, but I would like to have a word with James in private. If you don't mind?"
"It's fine, don't keep him too late."
"I'll make sure he makes it home."
After his mother left the man turned to James. "James, you are one of the most high scoring students we have ever had. We want you starting off in the field."
"Already? I don't have any experience with Pokemon."
"You don't need to worry about that. Your partner will be very helpful."
"Partner?"
"We don't have anyone working alone anymore." James understood. "We want you to start tomorrow."
"Well, I am willing for The Cause."
He smiled. "Wonderful, we need you to rescue someone for us."

Chapter II - Michael: The Legend

 

[Jaegir]

Before I write this I want to say that this story does have a definite ending to it.

Chapter II - Michael: The Legend

James had just finished his ice cream when his dad picked him up to see the floats.
"There's our float James!" He pointed at the Team Rocket float where there was a man who was dressed differently than the Rocket grunts on the float.
"That man right there, he's our leader. One day he'll save us all."
James didn't care, he was out of ice cream.
"Want me to get you another one little guy?"
"Please don't Mike, he'll never go to sleep if he eats another."
"One more wont hurt will it?"
"Your uncle Mike spoils you too much."


After putting on his uniform James was led to a lab filled with scientist scurrying around.
An old woman in a lab coat walked up to James.
"Please come with me."
She led James into another room where the guy who gave him and his classmates their badges was sitting talking to a girl who looks familiar. "James, this is your partner. She graduated with you last night and she is one of our best trainers."
She had a straight face on but it felt like she was angry at someone.
"My name is Jessica, fifth rank." It felt like she was about to stab someone at any moment.
"I thought only forth ranks got to do field missions."
Their higher up stood and it became apparent that he was the source of her anger when she turned only her head to look at him.
"Here's your Pokemon." He put a case on the table and opened it. There was one lone Pokeball in it.
"What is it?"
"It's a Beldum." Jessica replied.
"We want you to this one because of its massive intelligence and almost infinite memory."
"Why would I need that?"
"You won't, we will." Saying that he left. James started feeling cold being alone in that room with Jessica.
"This Beldum knows psychic and steel moves, when you put him out don't tell him anything, he knows way more than you." Saying that she left.

James and Jessica were walking around a stockyard looking for the person.
"Ok, we haven't talked since we left, and I'm ok with that, but I don't want their to be any hard feelings between us."
"It's not you it's me."
James felt puzzled and relieved.
"Who are we looking for?"
Before she could answer she heard a slight pounding coming from somewhere. It was from a outhouse boarded up and chained shut.
"There he is, go Ivysaur!" She threw a Pokeball and a Ivysaur came out of it.
"Use your vines to tear apart that outhouse. As it was tearing it apart they saw some lights coming from behind them.
"This guy is one of Team Rockets greatest assets. He used to be a member of the Elite Four." When the outhouse was taken apart there left was a guy with a bag over his head and his hands bound. James pulled of the bag.
"James?" said Michael.

Chapter III: Jessica: Heart of Gold