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silvers secret

Gaia

I'm ur God
    • 30
    Posts
    20
    Years
    This my first fic.Hope u like it.
    4 years ago...

    silver looked at the children play with their pokemon.Scorning,he Rembered that he had to see his father he ran out of the room only to find him."Fater what do u want of me" asked Silver.Silvers father stared at him silently and responded" Go to Elms laboratory.Steal one of his pokemon and report back to me.In the meantime take this pokemon for protection"Out of the darkness a Nidoqueen appeared and hugged Silver.

    4 years later...
    "no way" murmured gold."U better believe it"said Silver.Giovanni's...
     
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    erm... it was short... lacked puntuation.... and needs better word choice... heck, i could probly write a review longer than that! intresting idea, but it lack a lot.... it lacks a BIG lot....
     
    I thought the ending would be a good cliffhanger.BTW Silver is te main character

    is my father" confessed Silver. "He told me to steal a pokemon so I stole Totodile.*he feeds Feraligatr*So now that you know my secret.I'll have to destroy you.I can't let anyone know my secret."*takes out a flashing sword*Gold I'm sorry but I have to do this"Gold stared at me in disbelief."and all this time...i thought your intention was to help us."All of a sudden I fell to the ground my sleeve ripped with blood pouring out.With shocked eyes he looked at the dark figure behind Gold.''Mew...Two...It can't be... "As I saw it disapear I felt 3 feelings:hatred ,jealousy and... understanding.I knew that my time had come to meet my true master.As he faded out I saw Gold snickering at me evilly.

    Somewhere else...
    As I woke up I saw a beatiful girl.Her hair was dark and white at the same time.She wore brown sandals and a green shirt.Her face looked gentle and anxious about me.I stared at her...She stared at me back.
    ------------------
    I'm too lazy to write mor.I'll edit later
     
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    It's kinda lacking on some things. First of all, the plot is a bit hazy...yeah.
    There's are grammar and spelling mistakes and all of which can be corrected with Microsoft Word. Even though the idea is interesting, I'm a little bit biased towards the names because I'm a fan of Pokespecial myself and whenever you mention "Silver" or "Gold" it gives me some sort of a mental picture of the Silver with the Sneasel hugging his leg and the Gold with the Aipom on his head. ... so...we can only hope to improve here.

    https://www.pokecommunity.com/threads/18984
    That thread over there might help you...
     
    Ok.I'll try to do better since it's my first fic.Anyways..
    "Are you alright?"asked the girl.'"Hugh...i guess?"I responded embarassingly."Oh good...*sighs*You've been asleep for months!"I bolted up quickly staring at her."M-months?Where are my pokemon?""Pokemon? what's that?is that when you poke me?If so...I'll let you poke me"I stared at her and thought"why doesn't she know what pokemon are?".I looked around to find myself in a warm cheery hut.I smelled the air and saw a strange chld looking at me...
     
    I'll do the next part tommrow afternoon...NOT!
    ''Where am I?Who are you?"I asked."I am Diamond and this is Emerald.We are brother and sister"she said." I looked at the so called brother and sister and remembered my own sister...

    Note:this is a Silver flashback!
    "Big brother... wake up*5 seconds pass*WAKE UP!"As I woke up I saw my sister, Pearl.She wore a black apron,white shoes, red pants, and an orange shirt."Father would like to see you..."OI looked at her and got up.I stared at her,teary eyed and without thought hugged her
     
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    she stared at me in disbelief.I had always hated her but that moment I loved her..."Big bro what are you doing to me?"I looked at her and then left the room.As I was walking along the dark hallways I saw many pictures of my father. When I came to the final picture I looked at it with fear.Wht if he forces me to leave Pearl?I can't let that happen...Vaaaa, Essss...I heard a gentle,soft sound that strangely comforted me.I turned around to find a Vaporeon and Espeon.As I looked at them with great admiration.i noticed that they could talk!
    Note:the following is a script.
    Vapor: Don't be sad.
    Espeon:We will protect you...
    Both:The world is yours...You must save it...

    End of flashback
    As I ate the porridge they supplied me with I looked the village.It was bustling with many children playing a game.Curious, I left the hut to see what they were playing.
    Just as I was about to reach the market my forehead seared with pain. I knew that he came back to haunt me..."I must find my masters..."Once again I saw Gold...

    *dramatic music plays**stone sculpture appears*
    Long ago it was stated that when an evil Mew is born
    A Espeon and Vaporeon would save the universe from it's wrath with the power of Silver.Now that it has been played humans must suffer from their own greed...

    The gentle waves splashed on my barefeet as I was surfing."Feraligatr,watch out!We've got to stay clear of the waves."All of a suuden a gigantic tidal wave appeared and hit us directly.I screamed...I thought I would drown...Never did I know that this moment would change my view of friendship forever...
     
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    Er...there's the edit button there. You can only double/tripple post if you finished one chapter or if the chapter doesn't fit.
     
    yeah, what oni said. its intresting, but a bit hazy...
     
    I'm trying to do my best since I don't read the manga that much.What did you think my legend? BTW i read ur bio so I added the Espeon and Vaporeon
     
    The plot seems pretty good, and I like the naming conventions you're using, but I'd suggest using more paragraphs. "TIPS" is a good way to remember - Time, Idea, Place, Speaker are when you should change paragraphs. Also, if you're using the prose format, rather than in script or chat RPing, you should describe actions rather than *action*. It not only makes your story longer, but it makes it more interesting, and helps give more insight into your characters and they way they do things. Show, don't tell.

    I'd suggest using MSWord or another program that has a spellchecker to type your story. If you don't have any, https://www.spellcheck.net/ is a free online spelling checker that you can use to help make your stories error-free.

    Also, it might help if you try and stick to one story-telling style rather than switching from third-person to first-person to script. It makes it easier for you if you stay consistent.

    Anyway, the plot is generally the hardest part to fix, so keep on writing! You get better with practice. Good luck!
     
    yeah, like twi said, it has a LOT of errors... but still a good plot.^^
     
    Just when I thought I was going to die I was saved.when I woke up I was in a dark hallway full of webs."This place is familiar..."As I turned around I saw something that made my heart skip a beat."Welcome back,Silver.Don't you remember us?We have your friends with us.""Th-this is where I grew up..."As I looked at Espeon,Vaporeon, and my friends I wondered how they knew I was here. Aparrently Espeon had warned them of the danger and teleported them here. Also the Gold I saw when I blacked out was actually Mewtwo mocking me..."Blaine died a couple of months.Ever since then Mewtwos been on a rampage to destroy mankind."admitted Yellow."Without him he can't control his powers."added Green."Only certain people can defeat Mewtwo and thankfully we have them all except for one and that is...


    Mew,"Espeon admitted."Without it we r doomed"I looked at the pokemon and wondered if what they said was true.BEep!BeEP!BEEP!Red put his hand on his pocket to reveal a cellphone.

    -------------------------
    I'll write more later
     
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    Why do I have the distinct impression you're typing this up in the quick reply box...

    Erm, take consideration of what the people here are giving advice to. MS word is a helpful tool for writing, since it mostly corrects your grammar and spelling errors. Also, patience. Take your time and choose your pace in writing. A chapter can take up to a month even, but this obviously shows you've done no editing, revising, or reading the helpful constructive criticisms here.

    The idea is unique and has potential, but try to greatly improvise on your grammar area, where it hurts the story most. Most importantly, take your time into typing out these things...

    ^^ Otherwise, you'll do great! Good luck.
     
    I noticed that you're not using a Ms Word Gaia. That way you can write the story better. Also I noticed that there is u instead of you. For me, that is kind of disturbing if you use it in a story. Anyway, good plot, but lots of errors. Just do it in a MS Word and you'll be fine.

    ~~ E.U ~~
     
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