Sinnoh Crystal

[Magmortar_Hunter X]

Prologue

Our hero, Drex has come to fight the evil lurking within Sinnoh, with his friends Zero and Krystal are here to defeat it, while they still earn their badges, this is their story....

"Mom, where are you!I want this shirt!", said Krystal.

"AAAAAAAH!It's $90!", said her mom.

"It's okay, don't freak out mom. Let's go to the cashier."

"Hey, i'd like to purchase this dress for my daughter, so can you hurry up i have meeting to go to."

"Hey, that dress is awfully expensive, are you sure you wanna buy it?", said the cashier while a Electivire was standing near him.

"Yes, it's for my daughter i don't know why she wants it.", said Krystal's mom

"Hey you know what i'll let my manager talk to you and hopefully make the price a bit lower.",said the cashier.

"Thank you very much young man!", said the lady.

"Hey Drex, we have a customer!", screamed the cashier.

"Im coming Zero.", said Drex

So then Drex walked up to the lady.

"What do you need ma'am?", said Drex

"I want to buy this dress but it's so expensive, so i was wondering could you make it a little bit cheaper?", said Krystal's mom.

"Yes, i could how 'bout $60?"

"Oh yes, thank you young man!"

So then the lady purchased the dress for her daughter, so then they left the store since, Zero and Drex had to leave too.

"C'mon Electivire we got to find that girl.",said Drex.

"Let's go Drex, she's the one with the Pearl.", said Zero.

"She's the Pearl, Im the Platinum while your the Diamond Zero.", said Drex

"Let's go then.", said Zero.

 

[Spinor]

Ok...

Just because I tend to be nice, I will say a list of what's wrong:

• What is happening?
• Where are we?
• Where are the Pokemon?
• What happened before this?
• I'm lost
• Trainers go with their mothers?
• Why is the Chapter err.. Prologue? Epilogue? Text Block short?
• What do I look like? Who is she? How did I get here? Am I blind or something?
• It's really a real life fact were you can go to the cashier and get it at a lower price? No kiddin
• Is she supposed to be old? Young? 10? Bearded? Where is the background info?
• Did the cashier scream? Ask? Say? Propose?! What is happening!?
• Ok... What does this block of text have to do with anything if all I know is they are on a journey to stop evil...

All the questions I asked myself while reading it. Not to be mean, but it's true.

Further details, comments and questions take em to PM. Take complaints to the bottom of the Grand Canyon

Sorry if I sounded mean, but it's as basic as I can put my criticism.

 

[Alter Ego]

Our hero, Drex has come to fight the evil lurking within Sinnoh, with his friends Zero and Krystal are here to defeat it, while they still earn their badges, this is their story....

Well, that's good to know. Now if only I knew who this Drex character - or anybody else - is, why he and those others care about this evil in the first place, and what anything looks like, we would have what we call a beginning to a story. This is just...really something completely out of nowhere. Rather than starting by throwing the conflict straight at your reader's face like this - without any indication of who the people involved in it actually are or what they are aiming at - how about first establishing your main characters both in appearance and personality, and - most importantly - establishing a reason for them to be involved in the first place?

"Mom, where are you!I want this shirt!", said Krystal.

"AAAAAAAH!It's $90!", said her mom.

...these people sure speak with a lot of exclamation marks. x.O Do remember, exclamation marks stand for very loud, very obnoxious volumes and should be used sparingly. I also don't really see 'said' as fitting in with that many exclamation marks, as it's far too neutral a term. Also, detail, detail, detail. What does Krystal look like? What does her mom look like? What's going on? Is Krystal a whiny type who does this sort of thing on a regular basis? What is the tone behind these exclamations here? Is that a shocked 'AAAAAH!' or a raging berserker 'AAAAAH!' or perhaps a delighted fangirl 'AAAAAH!'? The tone makes a huge difference for the interpretation of this situation. And what are we doing here in the first place, anyway? Wasn't Krystal one of those people who were supposed to be fighting the big bads? What's she doing goofing around with her mother? o.O

"It's okay, don't freak out mom. Let's go to the cashier."

"Hey, i'd like to purchase this dress for my daughter, so can you hurry up i have meeting to go to."

Well, that's one well-trained mum. One second she is screaming like a banshee and one command later she is obediently purchasing an overpriced piece of fabric? Yeaaah...not quite understanding her actions here. oO

"Hey, that dress is awfully expensive, are you sure you wanna buy it?", said the cashier while a Electivire was standing near him.

...wait, what do they teach these cashiers in employee training? This guy should be saying "excellent choice, m'am', that will be $90, thank you. Can I interest you in anything else?"; not purposefully trying to lower store profit. Again, we need additional information on what's going on here to understand the reason for why the clerk is acting in such a counter-intuitive manner. Are they friends? Is he just a very moral kind of person? Or is Krystal's mother a hot shoujou mum who's womanly viles have seduced this humble clerk? And what's the Electivire doing there anyway? I mean, why do you see fit to mention the critter when it's not accomplishing any actual purpose in the story? Relevance, please. Relevance. Explain what is relevant to the current happenings and leave the rest of it out.

"Yes, it's for my daughter i don't know why she wants it.", said Krystal's mom

Way to go teaching your daughter about responsible spending, Mrs. Krystal's mom. Way to go.

"Hey you know what i'll let my manager talk to you and hopefully make the price a bit lower.",said the cashier.

I find myself wondering what kind of manager would even give the time of the day for something like this.

"Thank you very much young man!", said the lady.

Again with an exclamation mark. It's a wonder no-one has asked her to turn down the volume yet.

"Hey Drex, we have a customer!", screamed the cashier.

...screamed? Is he in pain or something? x.O Then again, if that's the way everyone in the store communicates, I guess it would explain why no-one is paying attention to the mother-daugther shouting match.

"What do you need ma'am?", said Drex

"I want to buy this dress but it's so expensive, so i was wondering could you make it a little bit cheaper?", said Krystal's mom.

"Yes, i could how 'bout $60?"

$30 off right of the bat? I am seriously starting to wonder what kind of policy this store is run on. oo

"C'mon Electivire we got to find that girl.",said Drex.

"Let's go Drex, she's the one with the Pearl.", said Zero.

"She's the Pearl, Im the Platinum while your the Diamond Zero.", said Drex

"Let's go then.", said Zero.

...oh, right, the PEARL. That explains everything. Krystal the Pearl. Yeah.

This whole prologue is just...nonsensical, really. We are in some kind of a store somewhere where people we know nothing about (excluding the fact that they love to shout and scream, apparently) are talking about things that make no sense. We have no indication of their appearance, personalities, or even general age group. Heck, we don't even know what time of the day it is, what season of the year, what part of the world map this transpires in. Maintaining suspense by not revealing everything at the get-go is all well and good, but you should give something to let the reader have a clue about what's going on and spark their interest.

Just...needs a whole lot of improvement on the description front here. Remember: show, don't tell. As it is, you are telling us that Drex and Zero (and apparently Krystal for some reason) are going to fight the big bad, but you are showing us nothing of them doing so or even having any desire or reason to do so. Similarly, you tell us that the woman is buying a dress for her daughter, but nothing in that entire scene is actually shown (as in, described). Description is essential for visualization, and as it is you are givign no way for me to visualize anything. Add that to the fact that none of the exchanges here really make much logical sense and we have a problem. Namely, a problem not making sense and not really creating anticipation for the actual chapters.

I'd suggest some heavy revision work on this, because as it is, it really does look rushed. :\

 

[Magmortar_Hunter X]

Drex's future Pokemon and his image.

Zero's future Pokemon and his image

Krystal's future Pokemon and her current image.

Those are the Trainer Cards.
____________________________________________________________

Okay, i'll follow these rules so this thread doesn't get locked since i want it to stay open.