[Pokémon] Spirit and Sundown

[Pokemon Girl]

I am a long time writer and possibly publishing a book soon, I hope you enjoy this story ;)

Spirit and Sundown
Chapter 1: Emerges​

The waves swirled visiously around the skirt of the sea, a strange mist at its bay. As the tide changed surprisingly, moonlight was circling a pool of water. Out, from the emerging tide, was a pokemon...​

His colar and sides shined like light crystal, her stomach was a covered blue sparkle.
"LUGIA!" It bellowed, and flew high into the sky, its wings peircing the air with buety, and it flew off into the mountains.​

The rain was a twist, and it followed Lugia's direction, as she circled through the clouds. Faint foghorns past by her from ships leaving Jhoto, and sailing into Kanto.
Her face was soaked, for she had not breathed or felt air for centuries. The breeze was coming closer, as it followed her she turned back.​

When she looked back, a thundershock hit her right in the head, her wings plummeted forward and she began to fall into the tide. Quickly, she re-gained her balance, and sprinted off the nearest boulder looking for the target.​

Off in the distance, a faint balloon was spread across the nightsky. It was a balloon of clear white rubber, flying dazily over the surface of the sea. Printed among it a big red, R , it was sporting two gigantic circlurar plates, each was sparking and letting off bursts of electricity.​

From inside, footstepps were pounding everywhere. Piloting the ship was a man wearing a blue silk cloak with the formal letter R stamped on. From the distance, Lugia was gaining, her eyes narrowed on the blimp. As the blimp emerged from the mist, it appeared to have a net covering the front. It was made of hard poke' wire, and it was flapping in the wind.​

Quickly, the Lugia darted at the blimp, but just as it dove in, the blimp outstreched, and the lugia was trapped in the net, hopelessly burning and shocking and clashing against the wire.​

"Now, that your all traped and annoyed let the new breed of Lugia again," laughed a crue cold voice from inside the blimp.
A new Lugia? Lugia was in trouble now...​

 

[Yusshin]

Review

His colar and sides shined like light crystal

"Colar" is misspelt. This should read "collar".

"Shined" is the wrong tenses; you mean "shone".

The rain was a twist, and it followed Lugia's direction(,) as she circled through the clouds.

Comma misuse. Remove the comma completely.

Faint foghorns past by her from ships leaving Jhoto, and sailing into Kanto.

Definition of "Past"

Definition of "Passed"

I believe you're wanting the second word, "Passed".

Johto is also misspelt here as "Jhoto". You're wanting this to be "Johto".

The breeze was coming closer(,) as it followed her, she turned back.

That comma needs to be a semi-colon.

I added a comma after "her" in red.

When she looked back, a thundershock hit her right in the head, her wings plummeted forward and she began to fall into the tide.

The word "back" was just used at the end of the last sentence, so I suggest changing that. View below.

Huge sentence and it's awkward, especially that clumped-on last part. Perhaps rewrite this to:

"When she looked behind her, a thundershock struck her in the head; her wings plummeted forward as she began to fall towards the tide."

she re-gained her balance

"Re-gained" = "Regained". It's one word.

Off in the distance, a faint balloon was spread across the nightsky.

Another instance of redundant, adjacent words. "Off" was just used at the end of the last sentence. It's technically correct, but it's dull. Remove it here and leave "In the distance,".

It was a balloon of clear white rubber, flying dazily over the surface of the sea

That word was also just used. I was expecting a metaphor here; having not one, I was disappointed.

Printed among it a big red(,) "R" (,)

Two mistakes here.

One, it can't be "printed among". You want to see "printed on it". "Among" doesn't make sense here.

You'll also want to throw in a verb, specifically "to be".

That "R" shouldn't be separated in commas either. Remove the commas and put that "R" in quotes, like I've done twice in this sentence.

The new sentence reads:

Printed on it was a big, red "R" [insert rest of paragraph here].

From inside, footstepps were

You mean "footsteps".

formal letter "R"

Another instance of omitted quotes. I put them in red.

From the distance, Lugia was gaining,

What was Lugia gaining? Weight? Power?

You need a direct object here - "Lugia was gaining on them,".

her eyes narrowed on the blimp. As the blimp emerged

Another word used way too close together. You should change that second "blimp" to "it", or find another word for it. Maybe "aircraft"?

It was made of hard poke' wire, and it was flapping in the wind.

That's actually the only way to spell "poké"-whatever wrong. Get rid of that apostrophe.

Quickly, the Lugia darted at the blimp, but just as it dove in, the blimp outstreched, and the lugia was trapped in the net, hopelessly burning and shocking and clashing against the wire.

That... is a huge sentence. Badly constructed. Split it up into two, maybe even three, sentences and add more details to beef it up. A paragraph =\= one sentence; a paragraph is at least three. There are special circumstances, but a run-on sentence isn't one of them.

"Now, that your all traped and annoyed, let the new breed of Lugia again," laughed a crue cold voice from inside the blimp.

"Traped" = "Trapped"

You omitted a comma after "annoyed"; I added it in red.

"Again"? I think you mean "begin" here.

"Crue" = "Cruel", I'm assuming.

I personally prefer separating adjectives with commas, but you don't have to do that. It's just nicer to read.

A new Lugia? Lugia was in trouble now...

Again, the same word right beside each other. Irk. Rephrase, please.

Overall Impression

The plot seems fine; you need to work on sentence structure and redundancy. I'm not a fan of how you make sentences; they seem like lists, or aren't done in a way that's pleasant to read. Redundancy, as said, is also something you need to work on. Try to use different words for objects, people, etc, often, or it'll become boring.

Also, Lugia is technically a genderless Pokemon. It's a bit odd how you would give it a gender, when it can't have one. I guess that's being creative?

Your spelling seems fine, but make sure you read things over carefully before posting. Wait a few hours and then review what you have, since you'll most likely catch errors better that way. It works for me. That's why I've slowed down writing my 'fic - so I can catch those pesky errors, and not the reviewers!

Your way of giving detail... You do give it, yes, but I get this feeling it's not enough. Maybe that's just me.

Hope to see a longer version at some point; remember: the recommended amount of words for chapters (on average) is 900, and 1400 for one-shot fanfictions.

 

[Pokemon Girl]

Thank you very much for the time you put into correcting my annoying misspellings and such.
I think I will try to put my chapters in word processor before I post them, to check for errors and add detail when needed.
~Pokémon Girl

 

[Yusshin]

Yeah, it's always recommended to use a word processor; it has a built-in spell check function, and it's definitely easier to see what you're writing. If you don't have Microsoft Word, use OpenOffice. It's the same thing with the same stuff. I use it to write my fanfiction, actually.

Hope to see another chapter soon (1000 words minimum).