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Split Story (Lily & JA): <currently untitled>

Geometric-sama

The Manly Man of Steel
  • 11,440
    Posts
    20
    Years
    <currently untitled>
    by Jedi_Amara and LilyPichu

    Authors' Notes: Welcome to our new project! This is the first time either of us has seriously tried a chapter fic, and we're doing it together. Lily's doing the odd-numbered chapters, and JA's doing the even-numbered chapters as well as starting it off with the prologue. Enjoy~ Oh, and we haven't worked out a title yet, you can suggest one if you'd like.

    Disclaimers: We don't own Pok?mon or any related names/indicia, but we do own our original characters.

    Spelling/Language: Australian for JA's chapters; US for Lily's chapters. (Odd, huh? XD)

    -------------

    Prologue

    Darkness came early in winter.

    The boy leaned against the post, kicking halfheartedly at the snow. Above him, the old street lamp glowed softly, illuminating the white-covered ground with a pool of golden light. It was quiet, save for the occasional car that flashed past with the roar of an engine, and he was content to simply stand and think. Think about what he was leaving behind. Think of the people he'd known. Of the people he'd never known.

    Eyes watched the boy from behind.

    Headlights shone in the distance, becoming brighter as the car neared him. It pulled up to the kerb; the engine sputtered in the cold, then stopped. The boy reached for the door, but it swung open before he could touch it. With a quick shake of his head, he climbed into the high seat and closed the door, pulling his cloak tightly around him.

    In the distance, a fire went out.
     

    lilbluecorsola

    ~¤Sea Priestess¤~
  • 140
    Posts
    19
    Years
    Another chapter fic by Lileh? O.O *dies*

    ^^; Anyhoo, since you're the one who wrote the Prologue, I suppose I shall be addressing you, JA.

    Nice, dramatic(?) approach. A little short, but it's a Prologue, so that's understandable.

    No mistakes I found other than 'kerb'. (Not sure if that's correct in Australian or not.)

    What I like about it is the simple organization of it all. Three short, dramatic sentences seperated by one paragraph of description in between creates an easy, pleasing look. Description itself was good too.

    This seems promising. Leaves me wondering what this is all about.

    I await your next chapter. (^.~)
     

    Act

    Let's Go Rangers!
  • 528
    Posts
    19
    Years
    Not bad at all. Two little complaints.

    It was quiet, save for the occasional car that flashed past with the roar of an engine, and he was content to simply stand and think. Think about what he was leaving behind. Think of the people he'd known. Of the people he'd never known.

    This is very awkward. The... ah, I'm having a grammatical mentalblock but it starts with an a... portion between the commas is long and throws off the sentence. Also, the fragments... I get the feeling you're trying to convey, but I think it could be done grmmatical..ly...er... Not to mention that it could easily mean something quite different then what you've meant it to. Here's what I'd suggest:

    It was quiet, save for the occasional car that flashed past with the roar of an engine. He was content to simply stand and think...about what he was leaving behind... of the people he'd known... of the people he'd never known.

    Just flows better in my opinion.

    Also... kerb? Curb, last I checked. Not the most phoenetic of words, but what do the Phoenecians know anyway?

    Not much to say for an abrupt prologue. I await.
     
    Last edited:

    Lily

    ◕ ‿‿ ◕ double rainbow.
  • 3,329
    Posts
    19
    Years
    Actually, this one was the first one. I began my other one shortly after this. X3

    Ummm JA...do you mind if I post it within a week or more? ;_; I'm multitasking. So sorry!
     

    Geometric-sama

    The Manly Man of Steel
  • 11,440
    Posts
    20
    Years
    Sure thing Lily. ^^; The "kerb" thing is probably Australian then. It's definitely right for here. With the "think about" thing, I wanted to give it that very cut off feel ^^
     
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