[Pokémon] [SWC] Pokémon Chrysalis: Assault on Woodville

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    • Seen Oct 22, 2012
    This was my SWC entry for this year. Based on a scene from the hack/game I'll probably never get around to making, here is Pokémon Chrysalis: Assault on Woodville!



    ***



    The Swellow soared high above the region of Narava, towards the lush and sprawling Grey Forest. As the towers of Metroburg City receded in the distance, the young girl perched atop her Swellow looked once more at the message on her phone. Her brown hair billowed behind her in the wind as she read.

    Sis,
    Get to Woodville, now! Something seriously weird is happening!
    Marco

    There had been no time to argue with that. No sooner had she stepped triumphantly out of the Metroburg Gym than the message came through, prompting her to hastily stow the Spark Badge in her badge case and fly like the winds – but what could her brother possibly mean by "something weird"?
    Marci peered down at the ground, recognising the perpetual cloud over the Penumbra valley. Good, almost there. "How you doing, buddy?" she asked gently, stroking Swellow's back feathers.
    "Swellow!" The cry was robust. Swellow was well-rested, having spent the battle with gym leader Maggie tucked securely inside its ball.
    "Good… There's Woodville!"

    Above the trees of the Grey Forest rose the buildings of Woodville City, which lauded itself as "a city steeped in nature's blessings". Behind the city, in the distance, loomed the mighty Basalt Mountains, which cast their shadow over the forest. Marci didn't know much about the mountains: only that they were supposedly riddled with caves and tunnels.
    The Swellow drifted down, becoming an impressive sight as it swooped low over one of Woodville's many leafy boulevards, before gently alighting in front of the Pokémon Center.
    "Good job, buddy. Return!" A flash of red light and Swellow was back in its Pokéball.
    Marci flipped her phone open and dialled her brother's number.
    "Marco? It's me. I just got to Woodville. Where are you?"
    "In front of the Gym. Hurry! You gotta see this!"

    A short bike ride later and Marci was among a crowd gathered in front of Woodville Gym. Pushing her way to the front, her blood ran cold as she saw Woodville's Gym Leader, Melissa, squaring off against three women. Though she hadn't seen this particular trio before, their green uniforms and blank yellow eyes betrayed them. Marci knew those uniforms and that skin-crawling yellow stare from the Gritsmoke City warehouse she had raided in search of a missing Combee.
    The Hive had come to Woodville City.
    "Surrender to us," the Hive Workers said as one. "It is useless to resist."
    "No!" Melissa said defiantly, struggling to her feet. She was bleeding from multiple wounds. "Scyther, Pinsir, come back to me!"
    Scyther and Pinsir refused to budge, staring emotionlessly at their erstwhile Trainer.
    "S-Scyther, Pinsir, what's wrong?"
    "They are of the Hive now. As you will be. You shall become Hive Queen." Again came the chilling voices of the three women, as if they were a single unit. "Surrender to us. You must awaken our master."
    "N-never!" Melissa winced and made one last entreaty. "Beedrill, please! You know me! I raised you from a Weedle!"
    The Beedrill hovered impassively before her.
    "If you will not surrender, then you must be taken." The Hive trio, as one, raised their hands. Melissa's Pokémon surrounded her and yanked her off her feet.
    "No!" she screamed, kicking out. "Somebody please help!"
    "Let her go!" Marco and Marci dashed forward from the crowd. The two siblings each gave their twin a curt nod of greeting before facing the Hive Workers.
    "Intruders," said one Worker.
    "Interlopers," said the second.
    "Defend the Hive Queen. Destroy the interlopers," the third ordered.
    "The interlopers will be destroyed," the first two droned, before stepping up to face Marco and Marci. Simultaneously, they each raised a Pokéball and released a pair of Vespiquen.
    "Blaziken, I choose you!" Marco's Blaziken appeared on the field in a flash of light.
    "Go, Swellow!"
    Swellow crowed as it burst from its ball.
    "Attack them," the Hive Workers said in unison. The two Vespiquen raised their undersides, and clouds of stinging insects swarmed over Swellow and Blaziken.
    "Blaziken, use Flamethrower!"
    "Swellow, Aerial Ace!"
    A plume of fire cut through the swarm and, just behind it, Swellow flew with wings outstretched and slammed into one of the Vespiquen. The Beehive Pokémon swayed unsteadily in the air before collapsing to the ground.
    "The interlopers are strong," said one of the Workers.
    "The girl was in the warehouse."
    "The girl attacked the Hive."
    "She will be valuable." The two Hive Workers turned their impassive faces towards Marci, and suddenly a huge pressure bore down on her mind.
    "Gaaah!" She sank to her knees, gripping her head.
    "Marci?!" Marco ran to her side, the battle forgotten.
    The force pressed into her mind, worming its way deep down. "Surrender your will," it said. "Become one with The Hive. Serve our master." It penetrated further and further, flensing away the layers of resistance, dismantling who she was as it went. Down, down, down… until it reached her very core.
    And the core whispered, no.
    I've seen what you did in Gritsmoke. I can't let you take Melissa. I don't know what you're planning but I WON'T LET YOU GO THROUGH WITH IT!
    "SWELLOW, AIR SLASH, NOW!" she screamed.
    With a swipe of Swellow's wing, a ball of wind whistled through the air at blinding speed and slammed into the remaining Vespiquen, which dropped like a sack of hammers. Out for the count.
    The Hive Workers recalled their Vespiquen. "Delaying action complete," they announced. "The Hive Queen is secure."
    To the twins' horror, the tiny dot that was Beedrill, Melissa and the third Hive Worker disappeared over the horizon, headed for Narava's great central desert.
    As the police snapped handcuffs on the defeated Hive Workers, Marco turned to his sister. "Are… are you alright? Your eyes turned yellow for a second there…"
    "I'm fine." She faced him, a look of grim determination on her face. "You stay here and make sure everyone else is alright. I'll go after them. I have a feeling I know where they're headed."
    "Where are you going?"
    She climbed onto Swellow's back. "Paying a return visit to Wellspring City. I have a feeling there's a reason nobody is allowed into those ruins in the desert."
    "Be careful, sis."
    "I will, bro." With a flap of its wings, Swellow and its passenger took off, wheeling overhead before flying in pursuit of the kidnapped Gym Leader… and hoping that when they reached their destination, they wouldn't be too late.
     
    Hey! Decided to try to review all of the SWC stories posted here. Sorry for the lateness. Been quite busy the last couple weeks. >.> For my SWC reviews I decided to divide it into three sections, the same ones from the contest. However, not going to show the individual scores I, so if you want to see them I can PM them to you (still have the scores saved).

    Grammar/Spelling:
    For the most part grammar and spelling are fine. I see a couple typos, one being "dialled" instead of "dialed." Your biggest problem though are awkward sentences. There's two examples I'll pull out.

    "They are of the Hive now. As you will be. You shall become Hive Queen."
    This sentence is a bit awkward to me. I think "They are of the Hive now, as you will be" would sound better.

    To the twins' horror, the tiny dot that was Beedrill, Melissa and the third Hive Worker disappeared over the horizon, headed for Narava's great central desert.
    This seems a bit awkward too, not sure what you're trying to say in that sentence. Probably reread it to yourself and then rewrite to make it clearer because I don't have any suggestions at the moment. XD

    Writing style:
    I like the writing style as I'm able to read the action quickly and that's a good thing, although a few parts I feel you could expand on the description, emotional and physical, to give the writing a better effect.

    Swellow crowed as it burst from its ball.
    Some parts you wrote the action but not going further with showing the character's feelings after that. For instance, in that sentence I think you can spice up that part with maybe putting "crowed its battle cry" or add "The way the Pokemon flapped its wings in an intimidating manner showed it was ready for battle," would give the readers a better idea that the Swellow is pumped for battle.

    Story/Prompt:
    I enjoyed the story a lot. People worshipping bee Pokemon? Creepy but awesome. The battle is fast-paced but good as I'm not a big fan of drawn out battles. Only huge problem though is the beginning seems like I'm rushed right into the action without knowing what is going on and ending seems like the story is incomplete and there is more to tell. This story could be better if in the beginning I get a better idea of the situation at hand and that the ending feels more conclusive.
     
    Thanks for the review!

    Ah, now, the spelling I can explain. I'm Australian.

    Yeah, this story was supposed to be a scene from a hack/game, but it'll probably end up never being made.
    Spoiler:


    Here's the region map if anyone's interested:
    Spoiler:
     
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