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Team Rocket Struggle

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Adventure-Chan

*~Have faith~*
    • 312
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    Well here's the sequal to Mystic City adventures. I will give aditional past info in later chapters but, here we go.

    Chapter 1 Narrow Escape...

    "Attention all personal! Breach in sector 12 level 6! All available units report!" As the message blared over the intercom several Rocket agents from different parts of the base ran to the troubled area. The area with the breach was a Pokemon caging facility and several of the cages had been opened and what they had contained released. It was very dark as the rocket agents come upon the scene they see smoke, sparks, injured scientists and gaurds all over the floor, and the source of all the racket a Latios, Lucairo, Swampert, and Mismaguis. The Rockets who had arrived where shaking in fear, they coundn't even get their Poke Balls. The Latios' eyes began to glow and the light struck the Rockets with so much force, when they hit the wall they left a dent in it.

    "Ugh! I'm tired of us doing all the work and you letting Flygon search for a way out!" complained Mismaguis. Lucairo turned to Latios and sighed. Latios nodded and told everyone to follow him. They walked through the dimly lit corridors of the Rocket Lab. This was a different base than the main base. Here Team Rocket tries to make Pokemon more powerful and evil. But, their equipment has been destroyed in the attack of the ecaped Pokemon. The Pokemon came to the edge of two hallways and didn't know which way to go.

    "Nice... Were the heck's Fly... WA!" Flygon flew head first into Lucairo.

    "Gang way!" Flygon yelled. Latios and Swampert sweatdropped.

    "Ugh, nice landing Fly!" said Lucario in a joking tone. Flygon got up and told everyone what he found.

    "Well, theres an exit down there but, it's littered with Rocke... WAH! THERE THEY COME! OUTTA THE WAY!" Flyon headed the oppisite direction and everyone followed in suit.

    "Ya know your a coward Flygon?" said Mismaguis seriously. Flygon stopped turned to face the Rockets and let out a hyper beam attack. The attack struck in a flury of colors and there was no one in sight. Flygon smirked at Mismaguis and she in return sighed.

    "I take it back, your..."

    "Smart?"

    "Let me..."

    "Cute?" Mismaguis blinked and began to angrily float off. Latios and Flygon took off after her with Swampert and Lucario bringing up the rear. They came to yet another fork in the hallway and were disscussing ways of getting out of this mess.

    "Why don't I just use my Hammer Arm to break down the wall?" said Swampert.

    "Uh, why don't split up into two groups and head down each direction." suggested Mismaguis. They broke into an disscusion and came to an conclusion.

    "I think we should try Swampert's idea." said Latios. Everyone shrugged and Swampert walked up to the wall and slamed his arm against it with such force he created an opening. He looked out and saw...

    "Guys! It's safe we're home free!" Swampert jumped down first and landed in some prickle bushes.

    "Ow!!! Who would of thought an Old Pokemon Center would have these kinds of bushes!?" he said as he rubed his hinded end. Latios and Flygon came down with Lucario and Mismaguis on their backs and landed next to Swampert.

    "If it's a Team Rocket Base then yes." said Latios. They headed for the forest near by and stopped to rest when they thought it was safe. Lucario and Swampert gathered wood and started a fire. They sat down and relaxed.

    "So, what do we do now? I mean, Ash might have defeated Team Rocket but, they captured the whole city, so what do you suggest, Jordan?" asked Swampert. The Latios thought a minute and said:

    "You guys stay here, I've got a few stops to make" replied Jordan.

    "Aw... Can't we come?" asked Swampert.

    "Sorry but, I have to do this myself. Go to the garden and find a safe place to hide untill I come back okay?" the Pokemon looked at each other and sighed sadly. Jordan folded his arms back and flew into the darkness to reach his destination...
     
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    OMG!!! A DOUBLE POST!
    j/k :)
    It was ok the story threw me off cus team rocket wasnt in the beginning but theyll come later i guess :)
     
    There were quite a number of word errors (such as "where" instead of "were")

    Your sentence structure could be of higher quality but it is no doubt, better than some writers.

    You lack a good,enforcing vocabulary. With good descriptive words, the reader becomes much more interested in the piece they're reading and can visualize.

    Add these little critiques into consideration and your fan fic skills will improve in vast amounts.

    Good Job nonetheless. =)
     
    I have read your first chapter and i think you should change different things. For example i as a reader don´t know exactly the scenery. There is much talk within the character group but you didn´t put in detailed information or describtion about the surroundings and the base. Hope so read more from ya! ^^
     
    Here's chapter 2. Not my best but, oh well....

    Chapter 2 Family...Reunion?

    "Well... this is awkward..." said May as she stared in the mirror.

    "What's awkward?" asked her brother.

    "That I'm wearing my sister's had me downs! I mean it was nice of her but, I'm not that fond of green..."

    "Well... Our parents are out of town for a week and Crystal has to run the Gym, minus the fact she's a Latias, and she misses Jord..." Max stopped when he heard his sister cry. He walked over to her.

    "I'm sorry Max but, I... miss him alot..." she wiped her eyes and sighed. She and her family hadn't been the same since Jordan went missing. Their parents had left for an meeting and asked Crystal if she'd run the gym, she said yes of course. Crystal had also given her her old outfit, her mom fixed it up as good as new before she gave it to May.

    "I know... So does Crystal... Well I got to go, see ya!" said Max as he ran at the door. May undid her bandanna and lied down on her bed. Ash had gone on another adventure in the region of Sinnoh and she had gone to Johto for awhile but, came home early. She was about to go to sleep when she heard tapping at her window, she pulled back the curtains and saw a Flygon and a Latios.

    "J..Jordan?!" she stammered. The Latios nodded happily as she opened the window. As he entered the room he turned into his human form. He looked at May and smiled.

    "It's good to be home..sis.." May had tears in her eyes as she hugged him. She hadn't seen him in 2 years, it may not have seemed like a long time since then but, it was to May.

    "Jordan...I missed you..." she broke the hug and look up at his face. He looked the same except for a long scar across his face.

    "Well May, I see you got a change of clothes." said Jordan happily.

    "There Crystal's old ones." Just then Crystal and Max came in.

    "What's going on in... Jordan?!" Crystal and Max were suprised.

    "Hey sis." he said with a faint smile. Crystal hugged him and she also noticed a faint scar on his face.

    "What happened to you?" she said as she touched his scar. Jordan turned to the window and began to explain what happened to him.

    "Well as you know I'm a Latios and Team Rocket attacked the Pokemon Center right? Well, I was put into a dark truck and thrown into a cage with other Pokemon in it, well turns out they used to be my Pokemon." Jordan shuddered as he remembered being in that truck. He then regained his posture and went on.

    "We were taken to a weird building that was shrouded in darkness where screams of Pokemon filled the night air as they were being horribly changed into stronger mutant forms of themselves. We were carried down a long gray hall with wet, slime covered, floors to a storage room and thrown in like trash onto the floor. As we sat in the cages for hours a lady walked in with a wip and started hitting anything on sight with it, I was one of the things she hit along with most of my Pokemon."

    "Oh, Jordan... Are you okay?" asked May in a worried tone. Jordan nodded as he sat down next to May on her bed.

    "Well, I glad your back bro!" said Max cheerfully. Jordan then pulled out a single Emerald colored Poke Ball out of an torn knapsack and threw it gently. In a flash of white light stood a small Latias except it was green. It cooed slightly as it looked around the room it was in.

    "Jordan? Who's this?" asked Crystal.

    "Well Crystal, this is our youngest family member and little sister!" replied Jordan. Crystal turned into her Latias form and Jordan turned into his Latios form to play with the young Latias. Then Jordan remembered his 'parents'.

    "Crystal where are mom and dad?" he asked.

    "Oh they'll be out for a few more days, their on a Gym trip." she replied. May decided to go out for a little bit so, she went out the back porch for some air. As she stepped out into the yard she felt something was there with her. She turned to see a small figure floating near her...
     
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    Here's chapter 3! Hope you like it!

    Chapter 3 A Sea of Memories and a plan...

    May saw the figure move closer to her so, she backed away slowly.

    "Do not fear me child" said a voice in her mind. May looked at the figure in front of her, she now saw it was a Latias but, it was black where it was red.

    "Was that you?" she asked.

    "Yes child. I am talking to you telpathicly. If you want to know why I am here, here to see my children."

    "Your children? What children?" May thought a moment and gasped. "It's Jordan and Crystal isn't it?" the Latias nodded. May felt a little sad, she knew she wanted to take them away from them. She went to get Jordan and Crystal, when she got to Crystal's room he saw Crystal rocking the Emerald Latias to sleep and humming the lullaby their mom used to sing them at night. She knocked softly on the wooden door. Crystal looked up and gently placed the young Latias on her pillow, she floated over to May and slowly closed the door.

    "What's the matter sis?" asked Crystal. May bit her lip, she didn't know what to say but, she had to tell her.

    "Y..Your mom's here... Your Latias mom..." she said sadly. Crystal's golden eyes widend, she thought that her true mother was dead. She got Jordan and told him the news, Jordan just turned to the window and sighed heavily.

    "What's wrong bro? Aren't you coming?" she asked placing her paw on his back. He turned and looked in her golden eyes and told her.

    "If we go with our mom, we can never leave to come here again.." he said sadly. Crystal understood what he meant, he had been unable to go anywhere since he had been captured by Team Rocket and tourtured in a cage in which he could bearly move. She said she would discuss this with their mother. Jordan agreed and said he would wait in his room, he looked out into the stary night with a silver lined moon shinying through the black darkness, a cool breeze blew in through the open window and caused Jordan to shiver. With nothing else to do he decided to look around his now unfamiliar room. His room was filled with boxes since his step parents thought he had dissappeared for good, he began to rummage through the boxes and he came across a photo album and a few letters. He opened the photo album and looked at the first picture. He was traveling in Johto at the time, he wore his same clothes except for a brown vest and green hat, becide him was one of his friends named Alex. Alex wore a blue bandanna, a black sweater with a light jacket over it, white shorts, and a waste pack. In his arms he was carrying a young Chikorita, his starter from Proffesor Elm, with the picture he found a letter from Alex it read:

    Dear Jordan,

    Hey Jordan! How's it going with your Pokemon Training? I have just caught a Pupitar and working really hard so it will evolve into a Tyranitar. Sheesh, you know how I told you how I hate my sister since she started training with me? Well, I learned something today, I REALLY hate her! She was talking to bunch of kids while I was facing the other way talking to another trainer then she pulls down my pants! Well I talk to ya later! See ya!
    ~Alex

    Jordan smiled as he remembered the days when he traveled through Johto and seeing that Suicune. He turned to the next page of the album, he was training in kanto at the time with two of his friends Sara and John. The picture showed Jordan ina tree sitting on a branch and Sara leaning against the tree and John talking to him. John was a proud kid with red hair, a white t-shirt with black stripes at the shoulders, and white pants with black stripes at the sides. John had been in an accident when he and Jordan were defending some young Pokemon and their parents. John was hit by falling tree as Jordan tried to help Sara move the Pokemon away. His Pokemon journey was stopped there, both of John's legs were broken along with his left arm. Team Rocket had gone way to far that time, Jordan, John, and Sara hated them ever since. Jordan pulled out John's letter it read:

    Dear Jordan,

    How ya doing? I'm feeling much better and the doctor says I am going too fully recover in a week! By the way how's Pikachu? Still eating behind your back eh? Ha! That was funny when he ate all the food out of your backpack. Well I don't have much else to say, if you got a plan to beat up Team Rocket ya know I'm your guy! See ya later!
    ~John

    After reading the letter a tear came to Jordan's eye. Pikachu and him had been separated ever since he had been kidnapped, he missed him very much. Jordan looked at the last two pictures in the album, the picture on the left page was a picture of Max, May, and Crystal when they were young, Jordan wasn't even part of their family yet. Jordan glanced at the one to the right omly to find it was torn in half. He sighed as he closed the book, looking through his memories didn't ease the troubles of Team Rocket in Mystic City and those terrified people and Pokemon. He then looked at the last line of John's letter, it gave him an idea. He grabbed some paper and wrote down a note telling what he was going to do. He placed on his pillow and he flew out the window to make a few visits...
     
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    Here upon request!

    The first chapter is a bit confusing. You need to take the time to describe what's going on, and draw the reader into your story so that they want to keep reading. And if they get confused that early in the story, then they might turn back.

    Describe the turmoil happening at the Rocket base. Is there smoke, broken walls, screaming? The alarm is blaring, but is there flashing lights, no lights because the Pokemon cut the power? And speaking of the Pokemon, it might be nice to give us some description of them. Same with the humans. At least a little bit so that the reader can form the picture in their minds.

    Grammar is still a problem. There are a lot of misused words or typos that could have been fixed if this was read through before posting. I'll show you one paragraph that had a lot of mistakes.

    "Well as you know I'm a Latios and Team Rocket attacked the Pokemon Center right? Well, I was put into a dark truck and trown into a cage with other Pokemon in it, weel turns out theey used to be my Pokemon." Jordan shuddered as he remmebered being in that truck. He then regained his posture and went on.
    Click to expand...

    Proof-reading is an important part of the writing process. It catches the mistakes that you make when you are writing the story. When you read over your work, you can catch typos, or the characters not acting like they are supposed to, or scenes that need to be changed.

    There is improvement that I can see from the first chapter of your other fanfic. (I never read any farther from where I reviewed.) If you just keep in mind what I told you here, then you should be all set.
     
    Thank you for responding from my request! I wll go back through and fix the errors you pointed out and others I catch.
     
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