Team Traitor: A Team Galactic (SATURN) fic

[YourSaturnLullaby]

Chapter One:

"Saturn! Come in Saturn!"

Commander Saturn of Team Galactic set down a magazine. He picked up his walkie talkie and pressed a button. "Master Cyrus, what is your wish?"

"Saturn. For a moment I thought you weren't going to reply. We have a new mission for you. Go to Lake Valor, capture the lengendary pokemon Azelf..."

Saturn didn't hear the rest, only that he was to capture Azelf. He had picked up the magazine again and was cutting out a picture of Jennifer Comet, and putting it in his pocket. Jennifer was the most beautiful and talented young woman in Sinnoh. He had met her before, and she despised him just for being in Team Galactic. That's why he was going to quit.

He jerked up in surprise. "I repeat, it that clear, Saturn?"

Saturn was barely able to pick up his radio watch and reply "Yes Cyrus," in time.

Sighing, he turned on the TV. "This is Jennifer Comet with Jubilife TV. I have just recieved word that Team Galactic has plans to steal Azelf from Lake Valor in Pastoria City!"

Saturn smiled. A few days before, he had secretly called Jubilife TV and told them that Team Galactic was stealing Azelf. It was his first step towards repentance.

"SATURN!!!!" boomed his walkie talkie, or rather Cyrus's voice over it.

A very startled Commander Saturn replied "Yes?" playing innocent.

"DID YOU TELL JUBILIFE TV ABOUT YOUR MISSION?!"

"No Master. I just recieved it."

"GOOD! BECAUSE NOW IT WILL BE DELAYED, PEOPLE WILL BE SWARMING LAKE VALOR, AND I WILL FIND OUT WHO TOLD JUBILIFE TV AND HAVE THEM DESTROYED!!!!!"

Saturn shuddered. Cyrus was good at getting what he wanted. He walked out of his small cabin and into the sunshine.

"There he is! Alright everyone, send out your pokemon!"

Surrounded by people and pokemon, Saturn threw out his own Bronzor and Toxicroak, but to no avail. He fell to his knees, chest heaving.

Looking up, he saw her. Jennifer! How could he have looked so weak against her? Embarrased, he said "Okay, listen. YOu all hate me because of Team Galactic, right? Well guess what? I'm quitting. I'm the one who told Jubilife TV about Azelf.That's supposed to be my mission, but I'm not doing it! In fact, I'll help the rigion save it! You can come after me Cyrus, but I QUIT!"

He threw off his Team Galactic uniform, so he wore an undershirt and boxers. His deep muscles looked very sexy.

Jennifer said "So you've joined the good guys, huh? Well let me show you how to be good."

Saturn walked away with Jennifer, his heart beating at a million mph. He thought he'd explode with desire to have Jennifer.

"AAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHH!"

Cyrus was storming Saturn's cabin, breaking everything in sight. "That traitor! i will strangle him myself!"

he picked up the picture of Jennifer. "Jubilife TV?! AHHHHH!"

Cyrus picked up a bomb, layed it on Saturn's bed, and left. In 5 minutes, ex-Commander Saturn would have nothing left at all.

Jennifer smiled in a flirty way. "I only said I hate you because you were part of Team Galactic. But the truth is... the first time I saw you, I fould you... intriguing. Seductive. Even-sexy."

Saturn opened his mouth to speak, but Jennifer covered his lips with hers. Saturn held her tightly, close to fainting from happiness. But then Jennifer let go and whispered "no... I shouldn't have done that. We just can't... I'm sorry."

Whe walked away from him. It was the fist time that Saturn cried.


If you liked that then tell me and I will post the next chapter! *heart*

 

[Sunyshore]

Grammar fixes in bold.

Chapter One:

"Saturn! Come in, Saturn!"

Commander Saturn of Team Galactic set down a magazine. He picked up his walkie talkie and pressed a button. "Master Cyrus, what is your wish?"

"Come in" makes it sound like Saturn would be right behind the doors of Cyrus' office. At first, I think you should tell about the place where Saturn is. Is he at the Team Galactic's HQ, or walking in a forest, or at his home, or where?

"Saturn. For a moment I thought you weren't going to reply. We have a new mission for you. Go to Lake Valor, and capture the legendary Pokémon Azelf..."

We? Who are "we"? I know you are probably meaning Team Galactic with the "we", but I think "I" would be better because Cyrus knows exactly what he needs (at least it is so in the games, anime and manga) without asking help from scientists, professors etc. Or is it so?

He had picked up the magazine again and was cutting out a picture of Jennifer Comet, and putting it in his pocket. Jennifer was the most beautiful and talented young woman in Sinnoh. He had met her before, and she despised him just for being in Team Galactic. That's why he was going to quit.

Jennifer Comet? I have always thought he has a secret crush on a woman named Jennifer; creepy. XD Anyway, would you mind telling about the magazine to us? What kind of magazine is it? What can you see in the picture? Is Jennifer maybe interwieving a Gym Leader or someone else? I would also like to know about their meeting(s). What had happened when they met? Where had they met?

Sighing, he turned on the TV. "This is Jennifer Comet with Jubilife TV. I have just received word that Team Galactic has plans to steal Azelf from Lake Valor in Pastoria City!" Saturn smiled. A few days before, he had secretly called Jubilife TV and told them that Team Galactic was stealing Azelf. It was his first step towards repentance. "Saturn!!" boomed his walkie talkie, or rather Cyrus's voice over it. "Did you tell Jubilife TV about your mission?!"

It's a not-so-big thing as some others, but, I think, most of the readers prefer seeing lower cases even if a character is yelling with his face red. Also, please less exclamation marks and it will look more professional. The characters can only be angry at each other; they aren't yelling at the readers. ;3

"No Master. I just received it.""Good, because now it will be delayed; people will be swarming Lake Valor! And I will find out who told Jubilife TV about the mission and have them destroyed!"

Like I just said, lower cases would make it easier to read. Added "about the mission" because it would sound better so.

He walked out of his small cabin and into the sunshine. "There he is! Alright, everyone! Send out your Pokémon!" Surrounded by people and Pokémon, Saturn threw out his own Bronzor and Toxicroak, but to no avail. He fell to his knees, chest heaving.

Now, now, now. Where we are and whose car are we driving? Like half of the page would be missing. You know, that doesn't make any kind of sense to anybody if you won't explain a lot more about what just happened. Please, my dear author, answer the readers at least to the questions: "What just happened?", "Why he walked out of his cabin?", Where was that sunshine?" (It could be anywhere: in Sunyshore, or in Veilstone, or in front of a window, please tell more about the places!), "Where did the people and Pokémon just suddenly come from and why did they come?", "Did the Pokémon fight and lose, or didn't the Poké Balls just open?", "Why he fell to his knees?" To put it simple, you should tell us "what, why, where, when and who" and not just quickly write something and leave everything open.

Looking up, he saw her: Jennifer! How could he have looked so weak against her? Embarrased, he said "Okay, listen. You all hate me because of Team Galactic, right? Well, guess what? I'm quitting. I'm the one who told Jubilife TV about Azelf.That was supposed to be my mission, but I'm not doing it! In fact, I'll help you save it! You can come after me Cyrus, but I quit!"

Okay, so at least we get to know that he didn't look pretty strong. And...he fought against Jennifer? Didn't you just say "There he is! Alright, everyone! Send out your Pokémon!"? What did the others' Pokémon do if Jennifer was the only one who fought? Ooor, is it embarrasing to lose, let's say, against 10 Pokémon even if you only have two Pokémon with you? There seem to be pretty big rumours about Saturn's Pokémon's power, or what? Help the region - like the whole region would be needing his help to save Azelf. Maybe...the good old "you" is just OK. ;3

He threw off his Team Galactic uniform uncovering an undershirt and boxers. His deep muscles looked very sexy.

Okay. ^-^' *Blushes* Umm, was he angry or why did he threw off his clothes? If he was angry, "He threw off his Team Galactic uniform angrily..." (or something similar) is your choice, isn't it? "His deep muscles looked very sexy" to me! =D who?

Jennifer said: "So, you've joined the good guys, huh? Well, let me show you how to be good."

Eh, now, is that good for young kids' eyes? I have a feeling this should be rated for K13 at least. o_o' Btw, so, what did happen to Jennifer if she suddenly changed his thoughts about Saturn? Why did she started to like Saturn after Satty had simply said "I quit!"? Had she always had feelings for Saturn?

Saturn walked away with Jennifer, his heart beating at a million mph. He thought he'd explode with desire to have Jennifer.

"His heart jumping like a Spoink" would be a lot sweeter. =3 The guy takes off his clothes after yelling "I'm not part of TG anymore! I'll join the good guys!", the girl just loves to hear that kind of words, and then they just walk away? That doesn't make much sense to me. Explain a lot more, please; tell about the characters' feeling and thoughts, about the places they are in, about the atmosphere, about the things the readers may like to get more information about - and especially: about the important things that the readers will always want to know. Jumping from place and situation to another is never a good choice. Take your time to describe.

"Aargh!" Cyrus was storming in Saturn's cabin, breaking everything in sight. "That traitor! I will strangle him myself!" He picked up the picture of Jennifer. "Jubilife TV?! Aaah!"
Cyrus picked up a bomb, layed it on Saturn's bed, and left. In 5 minutes, ex-Commander Saturn would have nothing left at all.

That was extreme - and even Saturn said "But extremism is never the solution". :/ Okay, he can be furious, but nobody would do something like putting a bomb in an empty bed, not even a mad boss in the Pokemon World, right? Cool down a little bit, and explain things calmly.

Jennifer smiled in a flirty way. "I only said I hate you because you were part of Team Galactic. But the truth is... the first time I saw you, I fould you... intriguing. Seductive. Even sexy."

Well, where's the young couple now? Also, could you finally tell what she has against TG? I would like to know.

Saturn opened his mouth to speak, but Jennifer covered his lips with hers. Saturn held her tightly, close to fainting from happiness. But then Jennifer let go and whispered "No... I shouldn't have done that. We just can't... I'm sorry."

Then she just walked away from him. It was the first time that Saturn cried.

The thoughts of characters; we readers would appreciate to read about their feelings and thoughts. For example: "This...can't be true... Does she really like me?" Saturn thought while Jennifer was holding his sweating hands in her own, warm, hands.". They went somewhere, had a quick kissing lesson there, and then just "Bang! Oops, what are we doing?! Sorry, gotta go. Goodbye!"?

The grammar was enough okay for me, I think. But your main problem is jumping. You just run and run with your story and don't take the time telling what is going on. I really suggest you to explain and describe. When writing, think yourself "Will this make sense to readers? Did I answer why, what, when, where, who and how?" If you just take it calmly and think a little bit before writing instead of rushing, your fics will be a lot better, trust me. Of course writing is supposed to be fun, but also reading is supposed to be fun.

By the way, it's odd that you made Cyrus sound like a person who easily gets mad - in the anime and games he can be quite calm most of the time. But, that goes too as everyone has their own views.

Overall, I was still able to enjoy the chapter. I'm a huge fan of Team Galactic too, you know. Hopefully I could help you, and good luck on writing! I'm looking forward to see a new chapter, if there's going to be one. =)

 

[YourSaturnLullaby]

thanks even though I really don't have time to fix all of that... I can't tell if you were being sarcastic about the jennifer thing. Also if you saw Losing its Lustrous Cyrus gets mad pretty easily. Oh and yes there will be another chapter which I will EDIT before I put it on here.

 

[Incinermyn]

What can I say that Sunyshore didn't sum up well enough. Depth of character, steadiness of plot, and a good sense of detail are the foundations of good fiction writing. Understanding this will take time, YourSaturnLullaby. I mean, your beginner mistakes are clear to anyone who reads this, but there is some potential, so don't just let things go.

 

[Ekeshum]

So, a new Team Galactic fangirl. :) Jennifer Comet, huh? I wonder why you gave her a planetary last name because she's never gonna join Team Galactic... (at least I think) Well, I liked it, post the next chapter soon!

 

[LugiaFreak]

I thought it was good for the most part, but isn't Cyrus supposed to be known for his calm character? I don't know if you were basing the characters off the game or not, but it won't affect the story in any way.

Just an observation. :P